I lie in bed, reliving prom. That was the last bit of normalcy between Ian and me. Not to mention that it was simply wonderful. But yeah. Something hasn’t been quite right with Ian since he came to visit me. We still talk, but not every single day. Now, it’s every other day. It’s like he’s putting distance between us. It’s worrying me. Everything seemed perfect. I don’t have a single clue what could’ve gone wrong.
My phone dings and I pick it up from where it’s lying next to me on the bed.
Ian: I’ll be there this weekend. Coming in Friday and leaving Monday. Wish I could stay longer, but that’s all I can afford.
Graduation is this weekend. I told him I had a ticket saved for him, if he wanted to come. Honestly, I didn’t think he would since things have been a little weird between us. I’m glad because I’m hoping that by seeing him, it will relieve the tension between us.
Me: Can’t wait! Thanks!
I have to admit. Him coming to prom and now to my graduation makes me feel a little guilty that I didn’t at least go to his graduation. But considering my mom didn’t know about him until a few months ago, I couldn’t go. He didn’t ask me to come either. Maybe he didn’t want me there.
I’m starting to think that despite him saying we’re always going to be close, we’re growing apart. That’s been my main fear since he started college. What if he has a girlfriend he’s crazy about? He hasn’t mentioned anyone and he always tells me, so maybe that’s not it. It could be nothing in particular. He could’ve realized that we were dumb teenagers and it’s time to move our separate ways.
The problem is I love him. Crazy, head over heels, dying to be with him, duct tape my mouth so I don’t blurt it out at every turn, in love with him. It seems inevitable that I’ve reached this point. However, I’m terrified. Especially because Ian doesn’t text me anymore for the rest of the week. It’s weird. It’s not right. Fear of losing him leads me to make a decision. I’ll tell him I love him. That has to bring us closer.
If he loves me back, that is.
If not? Well, I’m fucked.
“Where are you going?” Mom asks me. She’s popped into my room to find me packing a bag of clothes.
“Ian is coming for my graduation and I’m staying at the hotel with him.”
I can feel her glare into my back. She was pissed when I came home the morning after prom. She didn’t know which should piss her off more. The fact that I didn’t come home or that I spent time with a guy she knew nothing about. I had to fill her in about Ian and for the first time in years, she called my father to see if I was telling the truth about him. She was even more pissed when she then found out I spent most of the week I was up there for Christmas with Ian instead of Dad.
Mom is not a fan of Ian Rhett.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
“Well, I’m going anyway. He’s coming all this way, Mom. Why would I not spend as much time as I can with him?”
“You’re too young to be wrapped up in a guy like this, especially when it’s long distance.”
“We’re not in a relationship,” I immediately say. “We’re best friends is all.”
“So you haven’t kissed him? You haven’t slept with him?” My cheeks burn and she says, “That’s what I thought. It’s even worse that you aren’t in a relationship with him.”
“Mom, stop.”
“I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Ian wouldn’t hurt me.” The words come too quickly.
Mom leaves me to finish packing and I wait for Ian to text me of his arrival. I’ve been feeling weird all week and I’m starting to feel sick, but it’s probably because I’m nervous. When Ian texts me, I leave the house without saying goodbye to anyone. No one is a fan of Ian, so I avoid their looks conveying that I’m an idiot.
I find Ian’s hotel room and knock. The door swings open. He grabs my wrist and yanks me into the room. He looks as handsome as always. That beard is still on his face. I don’t know what he would even look like without it now. Ian immediately has me pressed against the door and is kissing me. This is how I know things will be okay. His kiss is urgent and hungry like he needs me right this very second because he’s been starving for me. That has to be a good sign.
Soon, we’re in the bed and in the midst of things. Ian’s green eyes are wide open as his hips move slowly. There’s so much emotion there. The sensations are overwhelming. He brings us to our climaxes and kisses me softly, slowly, taking his time.
Before I can help myself, I whisper, “I love you.”
Ian tenses. Shit. That’s not the response I was hoping for! He pulls out of me, squeezing his eyes closed like it’s painful.
“Babe.” That’s it. That’s all he says.
My heart beats faster in preparation for the bad news as he rolls off of me and I cover myself with the sheets. I keep waiting for him to say more, but he doesn’t. His eyes are closed. Every so often, he shakes his head.
“That’s it?” I whisper. “That’s all you’re going to say?”
He opens his eyes and turns his head toward me. “You can’t.”
“What? Why not?”
Ian sighs. It’s tempting to punch him because it’s one of those sighs like geez, do I really have to explain this? “It’s pointless right now, Sydney, and we’re just friends. We couldn’t have a relationship even if I wanted one.” He stops to let that sink in. The fact that we’re pointless. That we’re “just friends.” That he doesn’t want a relationship with me. It all hurts so much.
“You don’t love me back?” God, I need to puke. I swallow down the bile rising in my throat.
“We’re friends. That’s all.”
“Then why are we having sex if it’s not even a little more than that?” All he does is shrug. Shrug! I sit up and slap his arm. “You’re a fucking asshole, Ian! We aren’t just friends. I don’t know if we’ve ever been just friends.”
“Well, we are!” He sits up as well. “That’s it, Sydney.”
“Bull. Shit. Twice now you’ve driven twenty-one hours straight to see me. No one does that for just anyone!”
“You’re right. I did that for my best friend.”
I huff and look away from him. This is a disaster. How can he think we’re only friends? How can he be so cold toward me right now? This doesn’t make sense. “Why don’t you want more?”
“Because I don’t. I don’t want a commitment. You’re the type of girl who deserves the whole nine yards and I don’t want any of that with you.” He’s killing me. I don’t know how I’m still breathing. It’s not that he doesn’t want a relationship in general. He doesn’t want that with me. Ian is quiet for a moment. “Fuck, Sydney. I have a girlfriend.”
My body locks up. “Since when?”
“Since right before prom,” he replies quietly.
“And you still slept with me? You’re cheating on her with me!” I shout. His jaw drops, his eyes widening, as if it just now occurred to him.
“Shit. I just...when I come to see you, she never crosses my mind, so I didn’t even think that I shouldn’t.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have! I can’t believe you! Are you sleeping with her, too?”
Ian glances down at his lap. That’s all the confirmation I need.
This time, I have no choice but to run for the bathroom and throw up. It’s one thing to date other people, but at no point should he be sleeping with us both.
“Babe,” he says softly.
“Don’t call me that!” I push his hands away, not wanting his help to hold my hair out of the way. Another round of vomit comes. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and face him afterward. “You don’t love me? Not even a little?” I hate that my voice cracks. I hate that I’m still hoping this train wreck can somehow be salvaged.
“No,” he answers with such simplicity I want to slap him.
The tears won’t be withheld anymore as my heart hardens. “Fine.” I shove his arm as I move past him. He doesn’t say anything at all as I get dressed and grab my bag. I don’t know what bothers me more. The fact that he slept me while having a girlfriend or the fact that he had no problem at all telling me he doesn’t love me.
As I open the door to leave, he says, “Maybe we shouldn’t sleep together anymore.”
“You think?” I snap. “You’re a fucking idiot if you think I’m ever going to sleep with you again, especially if you have a girlfriend. That’s wrong, Ian.”
“I know.” At least he sounds ashamed of himself.
“Does she know about me at all?”
He shakes his head.
“Then what do you tell her?”
“That I’m visiting family.” He swallows hard and meets my gaze. “I’m sorry, Sydney.”
“Yeah, me too.” With that, I leave. I can’t leave the parking lot because I break down crying in my car. This is not how it was supposed to happen. We probably shouldn’t talk at all anymore if he has a girlfriend. How pathetic is that? I still want to be friends with him. Realistically, I don’t think I can do it. Not for a long time at least. If he had shut me down easy, we could have moved on like it never happened.
Instead, he destroyed me and let me in on the fact that he cheated with me.
Eventually, I make it back to the house. Logan seems to be the only one home.
“Where is everyone else?”
“They all went to grab dinner. What are you doing here? What happened?” He wipes a few stray tears from my cheeks.
“It’s over.”
Logan wraps his arms around me and I lean into him. “What are you talking about?”
“It’s over,” I repeat. How can I get any clearer than that?
“For good?”
“Maybe.” How pathetic am I that I’m still holding onto hope?
“Aw, Syd. I’m sorry.”
Somehow, I don’t think he really means it. I cry on his shoulder for a while, but when I hear doors shutting outside, I go upstairs to my room. I stay in bed for the rest of the night. What does it mean that he never thought about her while he was with me? Does that mean anything? It’s still wrong, so I shouldn’t get my hopes up over it. Ian keeps saying he doesn’t want me. Why would he start lying to me now? He must have meant it.
The next morning, I head to the hotel first thing. I don’t want to end on a bad note even though we’re ending. I knock on his door for five minutes and there’s no answer. Surely, he’s not going to ignore me. Oh god. What if he’s already left? He wouldn’t, would he?
“Excuse me,” I say to the receptionist. “Can you tell me if the person in room 205 checked out this morning?”
She does a quick check. “He actually checked out last night.”
“Thanks.”
Damn it. There’s no time to cry. I have a stupid graduation to get ready for.
Two months pass. I’m a horrible human being because all I’ve wanted to do is text Ian and say that I don’t care what kind of person it makes me, I’ll have him any way he wants me. I haven’t done that, but it’s bad that I want to. I miss him so much. We haven’t talked at all. Not one text. It’s good since he has a girlfriend and since I’m in love with someone who apparently doesn’t love me at all, but we were friends, too.
If we were to talk again, I’d have to keep my distance. Friends only is exactly what we would be. My heart still feels like it’s burning from the pain. My stomach rolls. Ugh. I rush to the bathroom for the billionth time to throw up. I’ve been sick for what feels like forever. Sometimes, I feel decent, and then others, I don’t. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. At least I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. I can’t keep going on like this.
“Still feeling bad?” Carey asks as she comes into my room.
“Yeah. Between the puking and the exhaustion, I’m hardly enjoying my summer.”
She sits on the edge of my bed. “Is there any chance you could be pregnant?”
I momentarily freeze as I crawl into bed. “What? No.” I slide under the covers. “I mean, my last period was...” My voice trails off. “The last time I had sex was...” Shit. Ian and I didn’t use protection last time we were together. I haven’t had a period since then either. Oh my god. This can’t be happening. “Will you go with me to the store?” I can’t wait until tomorrow to ask the doctor about it.
“Yeah,” she says softly. I get dressed and we leave the house to drive a few towns over. I don’t want to chance anyone seeing me. On the drive there, Carey asks, “What if you are?”
“I don’t know.” I’m supposed to start college in the fall. Ian doesn’t live here; we aren’t even talking right now! What are we going to do if I’m pregnant? How could we be so stupid? How did we not think about it? Why did I never think to get on birth control? All of these questions are possibly coming way too late.
I buy a pregnancy test and go into the store’s bathroom to take it. An agonizing few minutes pass. I nearly faint when I see the results.
“We aren’t talking,” I whisper. “He doesn’t want to be with me, Carey. Why would he want anything to do with this baby? How am I supposed to tell him? I don’t have his number anymore.” Having his number in my phone was too tempting. Logan is the one who deleted his number and our thread of texts. I have no way of contacting him.
“You can’t find him online?”
“He’s not on it.”
“Maybe get up with his dad and do it that way?”
That might work. Mr. Rhett’s phone number might be listed in the phone book and Dad could get that for me. I’ll go to the doctor tomorrow, call Mr. Rhett, and tell him to get Ian to call me.
Logan and Carey both go to the doctor with me. I’m two months along in my pregnancy. They hug me as I cry. This changes everything. I have to tell my parents, too. But first, I need to get in touch with Mr. Rhett. Dad texted me his number last night. I wait until around six that evening to call Mr. Rhett.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Mr. Rhett. It’s Sydney Jarvis.”
“Oh, Sydney. How are you?” He sounds less than thrilled to hear from me.
“I’m okay. I’m sure you’re aware that Ian and I haven’t spoken in a while.”
“Yes.”
I clear my throat. He’s not making this easy. “Well, I deleted his number and I’m pregnant,” I blurt out. “He should know.” What I should do is ask for his number, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to talk to him yet. Maybe his dad can break the news to him for me. “Can you pass that info along to him for me please?” I start spewing shit I don’t even think I mean. “He doesn’t have to be a part of the baby’s life or anything if he doesn’t want to be, but I wanted him to be able to make the choice. Just have him call or text me.” I ramble off my phone number on the off chance that Ian did the same thing I did. “Will you tell him?”
Mr. Rhett is quiet for what feels like a lifetime. “I’ll tell him.”
“Thank you. I’d do it myself, but I’m not going to lie; he broke my heart the last time he was here, and I’m a chicken. Tell him what I said, okay?”
“I will do that,” he promises.
“Thanks. Bye.”
Telling my parents is easier than that phone call. Even talking to his father sends me into a sobbing fit. My parents think I’m an idiot for being reckless, but Mom says she won’t abandon me. There’s a change of college plans, too. She thinks my first two years will be easier if I start at a community college. I also get a job. During all of these changes, I wait for Ian to call or text me. At least to tell me if he’s going to have any part of this.
I call Mr. Rhett two more times, leaving a message the first time. The second time, Mr. Rhett answers.
“I haven’t heard from Ian. Did you tell him?”
“Yes, I told him.”
“Oh.” And he hasn’t messaged me at all? My throat tightens. He must have taken advantage of the fact that I said he didn’t have to be a part of the baby’s life if he didn’t want to be.
“I’m sorry, Sydney,” Mr. Rhett says.
“That’s okay. Thanks.” I hang up without another word, sobbing immediately.
Looks like I’m on my own. How I ever fell in love with someone who would completely abandon me and our baby, I don’t know. It won’t ever happen again, though.
Least of all with Ian Rhett.