Chapter Nine
Leni
LIAM WASN’T LYING WHEN HE said his office could use some work. When he first offered me the job, I thought it was just to be nice—a favor to me. And, though I think it started that way, now that I’m here, I realize he needs some help. He’s so busy all the time with things that have to be done on the ranch that he doesn’t have time for the things that should be done in his office.
I’m sitting on the office floor, legs crossed, amid piles of paperwork, when Liam walks in, carrying two brown bags.
“I brought lunch, courtesy of Mimi,” he says with a smile. “Wanna head outside for a picnic?”
I shake my head. “I can’t.” I continue when I see his smile fade, “I can’t lose my place, Liam. Look.” I point to a stack of receipts next to me. “These are the expenses from the first quarter of the year. Then, these are the second.” I place my finger atop another pile. I continue to point to all the piles around me. “This is the third quarter. These are expenses and itemized deductions. These are your mile calculations. These are the receipts that have been added up, and these still need to be.” After I’ve explained what another twenty piles are, I say, “I can’t get up now. I know this doesn’t look organized, but as long as I sit right here, I know what everything is. If I get up and lose my bearings, I’m going to be so lost. I can’t go through all these papers again.” I move my head from side to side. “I wouldn’t make it,” I say dramatically with a laugh.
Liam chuckles. “Okay, but as long as you stay in that position . . . you’re good?”
“Yes.” I nod. “As long as I sit right here, I know what everything is, and it all makes sense. It’s organized chaos. If I move at this point, it’s going to be just utter chaos.”
“All right. Well then, we’ll have a picnic right here on the floor. Sound good?”
“Yes!”
“So, I’m just going to plop down right here in front of . . .” He points to a stack of receipts.
“Those are the ones I have questions about,” I answer.
“Perfect,” he says. “Well, we can address those after lunch.”
He hands me a sacked lunch, and I pull out a sandwich.
“Thank you. I’m starving. So, how’s life out on the ranch today?”
“Good. You should come out when you’re able to leave your insane amount of piles. There are several cows that are due to give birth any day. You might catch a birth.”
“Really?” I ask in awe.
“Yeah. Remember the first time you saw one?”
“I do.” I nod. “What were we? Seven and eight?”
“Yeah, it was your second summer here, so you were seven.”
I think back to that early summer day. Liam excitedly ran up to Mimi’s and grabbed me by the hand, telling me that a cow was having a baby. The two of us sprinted as fast as we could across Mimi’s land until we made it to the cow. I remember the birth itself being a little gross but fascinating. The baby calf was the cutest thing ever though.
“Oh, I love how the calves suck your fingers. Remember that?”
I recall going to visit that fuzzy little calf every day. He would suck on my pointer finger like it was a bottle. Liam and I used to giggle nonstop when we put our fingers in the calf’s mouth.
Liam wears a wistful smile. “Yeah, I do.”
“Do you remember what we named the first one I saw being born? It was something with an R.”
“You named him Rusty Roo.” Liam grins.
“Oh, that’s right.” I nod. “I get the Rusty part because of his coloring, but where did I get the Roo part?”
“I have no idea.” He chuckles, shaking his head.
“That was a fun summer.”
“It was,” Liam agrees. “Do you remember what else you did that summer the day before your mom came to get you?”
I let out a sigh. “Uh, yeah. I took Mimi’s kitchen shears, pulled my hair back in a ponytail, and cut it right off. I knew my mother would hate my hair short. I was a rebellious little thing, wasn’t I?”
“Was? As in past tense?” he kids.
“Ha-ha.” I squint my eyes toward Liam. “You would have been, too, if you’d had a mother like mine.”
“Probably so.”
“Oh, definitely so. Your mom is nice and normal. Mine is just so . . .” My voice trail off because I can’t think of the right words to describe my mother.
Distant? Cold? Snobby? Cruel?
Maybe cruel is a little harsh. She never physically hurt me, but I’ve come to realize that words are often more damaging than physical marks. Maybe it would have been better if she’d hit me. Maybe then she wouldn’t have felt the need to lash out at me with her vile statements so often. Over time, the memories of her words have faded. But then there are some exchanges between the two of us that will forever be ingrained in my mind, weighing deeply on my heart. No matter how often I tell myself that it doesn’t matter what my parents think of me or say to me, there’s a small girl within me who still aches for the approval that will never come.
“Hey”—Liam gently touches the top of my hand—“where’d you go?”
I press my lips together in a line before saying, “It doesn’t matter.”
“It does though.”
“Nah, I don’t really want to talk about my parents, Liam. You and I both know the type of people they are. There’s no use in wasting a second of my time worrying over what I wish they’d do or say or what they hadn’t done or said. It’s not important.”
“Well, sometimes, it helps to talk about it. Maybe, if you give voice to your hurts, you can let them go.” He sets his bottle of water down and extends his arms out toward me, taking my hands in his.
I suck in a breath at his touch. His grasp is so firm yet comforting. His skin is rough yet soothing. I look from our joined hands up to his face. I swallow and clear my throat.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I say again, more softly this time.
“All right. Well, if you do, you know I’m here for you. I’m a good listener.” Liam gives me a warm smile.
I still don’t understand why he cares so much for me, given our history, but I’m grateful that he does.
“Okay,” I almost whisper.
My gaze falls back down to our hands, which are still entwined together. My heart pounds rapidly within my chest as I wait for Liam to let me go. I bring my stare up to meet his.
His grasp remains steady. With just this simple gesture, he makes me feel accepted, content, and though it causes the butterflies to take flight within my belly, I feel cherished.
My eyes find his, and I’m lost. My heartbeats become louder within me, each one pumping out a rhythm, a frenzied beat of palpitations that are partially confused and needy.
His penetrating stare holds me in this place where time is measured by weighted breaths and a nervous swallow, the thumping of my heart and a bite of my lip. I should pull my hand from his. I should break our gaze, but I can’t, and sweet baby Jesus . . . I don’t want to. He lowers his eyes to my lips before his rub together.
I see the intent in his eyes as he leans in. I hesitate only a moment before I move forward to meet him.
The small voice in my head tells me to stop, but I can’t. I won’t.
He releases my hands and raises his. The skin of his palm lightly grazes my cheek before he threads his fingers through my hair. He tightens his grip against my scalp and pulls slightly before his lips find mine. I release a groan into his mouth, unable to stop it.
His lips are soft and incredibly intoxicating as they move against my own. I raise my hands to his face and cover his cheeks and strong jaw. My body trembles with what feels like years of want for Liam Moore.
Soft kisses become harder. My mouth opens wider, allowing Liam’s tongue to enter, moving with mine in a dance that only we could make. The kiss is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. It’s real. It’s raw. And it’s perfect. Though I’ve kissed before, Liam’s mouth makes me realize that I’ve never truly been kissed, never like this.
I never want it to stop. In fact, I want so much more. Liam seems to read my mind because he lowers us to the ground, his lips never leaving mine. Papers crinkle beneath my back as Liam’s strong body presses against me. I trail my hands down his face and grip his arms. He’s so strong, and his perfectly sculpted muscles are so incredible, I want to trail my tongue over every single one.
Liam keeps one hand threaded in my hair and continues to pull my face into his while his free hand trails over my body. My skin burns beneath his touch, and I want more. I want him to rip my clothes off and touch me everywhere. The need between my legs is almost unbearable, and I want to beg Liam to touch me there, but he doesn’t.
We’ve been kissing for so long that I can barely feel my lips when he pulls away. I gasp as I pull air into my lungs. My entire body hums with desire. Liam lies beside me as we stare toward the ceiling.
Wow, is all I can think.
Liam Moore has skills. I’m honestly not surprised. I somehow always knew he did.
I’m the first to speak. “Wow, that was . . .” My voice trails off, as I’m unable to put my reaction to the kiss into words.
“Yeah,” Liam agrees. He turns to the side and faces me, resting his head on his propped up hand. “I think some of your piles got ruined.” He grins.
I pout my lips before the corners rise into a grin. “It seems they did.” I dismissively wave my hand before me. “Whatever. You’re the one paying me to organize them all again.”
“And it’s completely worth it.” Liam tucks a lock of my hair behind my ear. “I have a secret to tell you.”
I turn toward him and rest my head up on my hand, mirroring him. “What’s that?”
Our faces are mere inches apart, and my recently slowed heart starts to increase its cadence once more.
Liam brings his thumb up to my lips and pulls them down. He breathes in deeply. “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember, Leni Turner.”
My eyes go wide, and my lungs seem to stop working because I suddenly can’t breathe. I jump up from the floor and press my fingers to my temples.
Crap. Crap. Crap.
“Don’t freak out. It’s not a big deal. I just felt like telling you that after that kiss. I didn’t mean to scare you”—he gestures toward me—“or make you feel however it is that you’re feeling right now. Breathe, Leni. Your face is turning red.”
I suck in air and hold my hand out when Liam tries to come closer to comfort me.
“Liam,” I say sadly with a shake of my head.
Ugh. I should’ve known. With a kiss like that, of course he has feelings for me. I’m so stupid.
“Len, it doesn’t change anything. We can still continue as we are. We can take it slow.”
I release a sigh. Frowning, I look into his worried brown eyes. “It changes everything, Liam. We can’t . . . I mean, I . . . it’s not like that for me. You’re not right for me. This place isn’t right for me. I’m getting out of Texas the second I can. This isn’t where I’m supposed to be.”
I search his eyes, praying to find understanding. He has to know that something between us could never work.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you,” I say. “It was a mistake.”
“It sure as hell didn’t feel like a mistake, Leni. I know you felt it, too. There’s something really good here.”
He reaches out for me, and I take a step back.
“Do you know what I felt, Liam? I felt horny. I wanted you to fuck me. That’s what I wanted. A hard fuck to get rid of some of this tension, to feel good. Nothing more. I can’t love you. I can’t be with you the way that you want me to. It’s never been in the cards for me, and you know it.” My voice quivers with anger—toward me, at Liam, over this whole situation.
Truthfully, I can only be mad at myself. Regardless of whether or not I acknowledged it, I saw the emotions within Liam building. The sweetness, the grand gestures, the flirty smiles, the way he always seems to be watching me. I knew; of course I knew. And yet I let the situation get out of control. I let him freaking kiss me. Yeah, this is all on me.
Liam scoffs, and his eyes radiate with something between hurt and fury. “You could never be just a fuck buddy to me, Len.”
I shrug. “And you could never be anything more to me.”
Liam stares at me, his expression pained.
“I . . . I’m going to call it a day. I’ll work on this mess tomorrow.”
He nods once, and I walk out of the office as quickly as possible. I don’t turn back around to look at him before I leave, but I don’t need to. I know the heartbreaking expression he wears without even seeing it. I know it because I saw it when I was sixteen, and it’s been haunting me ever since.