Chapter Five
~ Cyan ~
I sat on the side of the bed with Ivy cradled against my chest. I wasn’t sure how my request to be allowed to love her had led to her sobbing, but that was where we were. My woman had something heavy weighing her down, and it was my job to figure out what it was.
Ivy was my mate. I’d known it from the moment I’d lain eyes on her. She was my chance for happiness, the woman I would fall in love with and spend the rest of my life worshipping. If I could only get her to stop crying and talk to me.
Right then, the best I could do was offer comfort. I held her to me, stroking one palm up and down her spine while she cried. I had no idea how much she had bottled up inside her, but it seemed as if far more than my question had brought this on. It made me wonder if she’d grieved for Rowan, if anyone had checked since he’d been gone to make sure she was okay? It certainly hadn’t seemed like it earlier, with the three idiots in the parking lot. How long had she been putting up with shit like that?
“I’ve got you, baby,” I tried to reassure her. There were few times in my life when I’d felt helpless. This was one of them. I wanted to say all the right things, do all the right things, but I was clueless when it came to crying women. All I knew was Ivy mattered.
“Oh, my God! This is stupid.” Ivy pushed her head off my chest and rubbed her face with her hands. “I don’t cry.”
“Nothing you do could ever be stupid.”
“Cyan—”
“Except kicking me out,” I interrupted. “That would be really stupid.”
Ivy laughed, her lips tipping up at the corners.
“That’s better.” I bent down, intent on kissing her lips. Her eyes widened. Her breath caught. Then she turned her head at the last moment, and I met the satiny smoothness of her cheek instead. I nuzzled her, working my way up to her ear where I gripped the lobe with my teeth, giving it a tug.
“Cyan.”
God, I loved the breathy way she called my name. I turned on the bed, placing her gently on her back and coming over her. I kissed my way to her neck, sucking at the curve there.
“This is crazy.”
“Crazy,” I agreed. The way she turned me inside out was crazy. The way she smelled so delicious was crazy. The way touching her, tasting her, made my heart beat a fast staccato was crazy.
“We have to stop.”
“No, we really don’t.” I needed her like air. Stop? Stopping was crazy, but I pulled back, meeting her gaze and seeing the uncertainty there. I lowered my head and shook it while blowing out a breath.
“Are you okay?” Her voice was small, and that gave me the impetus to push off and settle beside her on the bed. I lay on my side, chin propped on my palm as I gazed at her.
“What’s going on in that head of yours, Ivy?”
“I…” She took her bottom lip between her teeth as she sat up to face me. “This is overwhelming. I don’t do this.” She waved her hand back and forth between us.
“This?” I questioned.
“One-night stands or whatever this is.”
I lifted one brow, doing my best to hold back my growl. I’d already told her repeatedly she was my mate. Something in my gaze must have reminded her of my earlier words.
“You don’t just meet someone and decide they’re your mate.”
“Why?” I asked.
She opened her mouth and closed it. Opened it again and paused before shaking her head. “You just don’t.”
“Why?” I countered again. “Bastion saw a picture of Raina and knew she was it for him.” And yeah, I’d considered him crazy at the time, but I was onboard now. I had a completely different perspective since I’d met Ivy.
“Sharing your alpha’s insanity doesn’t make either of you sane,” she informed me. “We don’t know each other, Cyan. I don’t know anything about you except that you’re a member of the James Pack. I don’t know where you came from. How you came to be with Bastion. If you have any family. And what do you know about me? Other than you want me?”
“I know you’d do anything to help your friends. I saw that tonight with Raina Byrd. I know you’re grieving for the loss of another friend, Rowan Byrd, and I think tonight might have been the first time you’ve cried since you lost him.”
Her eyes flared at my words, enough of an acknowledgement for me to know I was right.
“I know you have a precocious little sister you love. I know you’ve probably been dealing with guys like Austin and his buddies most of your life because of something you have no control over. Your mother. Yes, I want you, but we both know it’s more than that. If you need a little more time to realize it, I’ll wait.”
“How…?”
I brushed a finger along her cheek, taking in her stunned expression. “Because I pay attention to what matters, and you matter. Do I know everything about you? No, but that’s okay. We have a lifetime. All I know is the moment I saw you, my heart recognized yours. Tell me you feel nothing. Tell me this is all in my head, and I’ll walk away.”
Her lush lips parted, but no words came out.
“I don’t know if I can do this,” she said again, and my temper had me gritting my teeth.
“I told you there’s more here than a one-night stand.” I was upset, and though I tried to hide it, I’m sure she heard the frustration in my voice.
“I know that,” she snapped, crossing her legs and glaring at me. “I meant mating. I’m not sure I’m cut out to be a mate.”
“Why?”
“Why do you keep asking that? Are you two?”
There was fire in her eyes now. It looked good on her. Better yet, it erased the sadness that had been there. I sat up, turning to ease my back against her headboard, and Ivy adjusted her position, so she sat facing me. I lifted an eyebrow at her. That question didn’t deserve an answer. She was stalling, and we both knew it.
“Why do you think you’re not cut out to be a mate?” I finally broke the silence.
“My…mother told me she tried to mate with my father when she found out she was pregnant with me, but she couldn’t. She said once she discovered the pleasure of sex, she couldn’t stop. She…” Ivy broke off, closed her eyes and shook her head.
“I’m not like that, Ivy.” I took her hands in mine. I’m sure my gaze was pleading with her. “I know you don’t know everything about me. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. All you have to do is ask.”
She shook her head again, one hand covering her mouth, so I started talking.
“My dad was alpha of our pack. My mom was his lover, but they never officially mated. He died when I was still a baby. My uncle took over as alpha. Told my mom he was happy to take care of her. I wasn’t included. Can’t have the previous alpha’s bastard kid around.”
“Where did your mom go?”
I smiled. “It says a lot about you that you’d ask that.” I reached out and brushed my fingers along her cheek again. “My mom stayed. She had an opportunity to acquire a position within the pack that she’d never had with my dad. She took it. She had more kids. Two boys and a girl. The oldest son is set to take his father’s place as alpha.”
“But that position is yours. Your family has to know that.”
“Bastion James and the James pack are my family. Not a woman who gave me away as if I had no meaning. Not an uncle who both feared and hated me when I was still an infant. And certainly not a pack that stood by and did nothing to prevent it. I know what it means to have someone walk away from you.”
“Cyan—”
“My heart’s been tangled up with you since the moment I saw you, woman. You think I’ll get a taste of you and head on to the next piece of ass that walks by? You’re wrong.”
“You don’t know that,” Ivy scoffed.
“The fuck I don’t!” I all but roared.
Ivy slapped a hand over my mouth. “Hush, you’ll wake up Jasmine.”
I tried to talk, but my words were muffled by her hand, so I flicked out my tongue and licked her palm. I felt the current run between us and knew from the way her nostrils flared that she felt it, too. Then her palm was gone, disappearing into her lap. Her nipples were hard, though. I didn’t miss the way they poked against her shirt as if begging for my touch, for the feel of my lips and tongue.
“I meant there’s no way you can know how you’ll feel in the future.”
“Should I remind you that I’m the insane man who took one look at you and saw my future?”
“Probably not. Besides, it’s not you I’m worried about.”
“Who the hell are you worried about then?”
Had she loved someone else? Was there another man in her life? Rowan had been a friend, but had she wanted something more? She’d said he’d been like a brother, but had that been his choice or hers?
“Were you in love with Rowan Byrd?”
“What? Where did that come from?”
“Answer the question.”
“We’ve already had this conversation. I told you he was like a brother to me.”
“Did you want more?”
“What? No!”
“Did you love him?”
“Yes, of course, I did. Like a brother. He was family, Cyan. We shared a laugh every now and then. Maybe a hug on occasion. I never slept with him. I never wanted to. I’ve never slept with anyone. I’m a virgin.”
My dick gave a huge salute to that. Virgin. It didn’t matter in the sense that I would have thought less of her or not wanted her as much if she were experienced. Nothing could do that. It mattered in ways I’d never considered. Knowing I’d be her first, her last, her always, it made me wish I could say the same to her.
Then it hit me. Her worry. Her fear. It wasn’t about me. She’d guarded her virginity out of fear. And there was one person to blame. Her mother.
“What are you afraid of?” I asked.
“I don’t want to be like her,” Ivy whispered. “I can’t take the risk I might be like her.”
“You’re nothing like her.”
She smiled, but it was tinged with sadness. “Something else you just know?”
“Tell me this? You love Jasmine?”
“Of course, I do.” That had her back up.
“Ever think of leaving her?”
“Never. My sister is my whole world.”
“But your mom did.”
“Ah, I see what you’re doing now. It’s not the same though.”
“Why? Because you’re a virgin? You honestly think there’s a chance you’ll want to leave her after you have sex with me?”
“No. I’ll never leave her.”
“Then you’re afraid we’ll have sex and what? You won’t be satisfied with just me?”
She paled.
“Maybe, there’s a chance you’ll become insatiable for one man. Did you ever think of that?”
She shook her head. “My mom—”
“Isn’t you. I don’t need to know her to know that’s true. She left, and you stayed. You stayed, and you loved Jasmine, and Rowan, and from what I can tell, Raina. So what do you say we put this fear of yours behind us, so we can move on.” I stood up and reached for my belt.
“What the hell are you doing?” she demanded, coming up on her knees on the bed.
God, I wanted her on her knees. Seeing her like that had my cock throbbing against my zipper. If I didn’t unzip soon, I’d bust the damn thing.
“Stripping. You can join me, or I’m happy to help you when I’m done. Then we’re going to make love on this bed for the rest of the night. I’m going to fuck all those thoughts out of your head.”
She licked her lips, but she wasn’t saying no.
“Then?”
I leaned in, bracing my shin along the mattress as I gripped her chin and tugged her face up. “I’m going to show you I’m the only man you’ll ever want or need.”