Bermangogglebloodynose was seated on my couch. Sassy had found some plastic for him to sit on so he wouldn’t destroy my beautiful sofa. Fabio circled him, looking at the warlock from all angles. Roy wasn’t a happy camper at the moment. Fabio was enjoying himself a bit too much for Roy’s pleasure.

“Explain to me again how this happened,” Fabio asked as he continued examine Bermangoggleshitz’s broken nose with amusement.

“Marge kicked his ass while tied to a chair, using no magic at all,” Sassy said.

“And you did nothing?” Fabio asked Roy.

“Define nothing,” Roy said.

“I meant nothing to deserve this.” Fabio gestured to the bloody mess that doubled as Bermangoggleshitz’s face.

Thankfully Fabio had been at Mac’s and my house when we’d arrived. He was playing with the twins—or more likely teaching them something wildly illegal. At least the cats weren’t here to add to the shit show. Mac was in town dealing with some inebriated raccoon Shifters who thought peeing a huge heart on Main Street in broad daylight was an outstanding idea.

Fabdudio had taken one look at Roy and burst into laughter. Roy wasn’t too amused, but as he needed Fabio to heal him, he simply grunted and flipped my father off.

“Well,” Roy said with a very small grim smile pulling at his lips. “If you want to add up past offenses, I’d be at a loss as how to answer that.”

“Ahhh.” Fabio nodded and chuckled. “Then my guess would be that this is the tip of the iceberg. You should probably watch your back… or your crotch, if you want to keep it intact.”

“She nailed that too,” Sassy volunteered.

“I didn’t see it coming,” Roy admitted sheepishly. “And I wouldn’t have done anything even if I had. I believe that kicking my ass or lodging my testicles in my throat is on Marge’s bucket list.”

“I think she likes him,” I said, bouncing Henry and Audrey on my knees and kissing their adorable chubby faces. “Marge has an odd and rather violent way of showing it, but she did live in a wrinkle by herself for hundreds of years. Her people skills could use some work.”

“You think I have a chance?” Bermangoggleshitz asked doubtfully.

“Not the way you’re working it at the moment,” I replied, scrunching my nose and giving him a thumbs down on his wooing ability.

“Look, Rad,” Sassy said taking Henry into her arms and cuddling him. “Ol’ Cookie Witch doesn’t really like idiots all that much. I’m the exception since I have to take over her suck ass job eventually. You are kind of the King of Idiots. You feel me?”

“Umm…” Roy always seemed to be at a loss where conversing with his spawn was concerned. He definitely wasn’t the only one. We were just more used to Sassy’s convoluted train of thought.

“So I say you play hard to get,” she went on oblivious to her father’s bewilderment. “You know… start dating a few gals in town, walk around shirtless, flex a lot, take a shower with the door open. Make Marge see what she’s missing.”

“Umm… nope.” I shot that one down immediately. “First off, that’s a shitty idea. If you were listening to Marge’s list of Bermangoggledumbass’s transgressions, you’d recall she kneed his nuts because he cheated on her—which is very, very bad in case you didn’t know,” I told an embarrassed Bermangoggleshitz. “Second off, even though you’re improving in the looks department, you’re still pretty much half-buttass ugly. I think you’re gonna just have to go with your gut. What do you usually do to get a gal?”

“Umm…” Again Roy was at a loss.

“Dude,” I said with an eye roll. “You can’t tell me you haven’t dated since you screwed over Marge. That had to be hundreds of years ago.”

“Define date,” he requested, truly puzzled.

Blowing out a long put upon sigh, I eyed the enormous warlock with the bloody broken nose. What I was about to offer was redonkulous, but… if I couldn’t heal with magic, maybe I could heal in other ways.

“How about this…” I said slowly, wondering if I had gone insane. No wait. I was completely insane and about to prove it. Whatever. It felt right. “I’ll help you not be such a jackwad in the Marge department and you lay off the pushups when you train me.”

Roy stood and his eyes narrowed as he considered my offer. He appeared hopeful and terrified at the same time. He was smarter than he looked.

“Are those your only terms?” he inquired with a raised brow.

“Of course not,” I answered with a laugh. “I don’t have to call you Mr. Roy and you design a pair of boots similar to yours for me.”

“And me,” Sassy chimed in.

“And Sassy,” I amended.

“Roy designs shoes?” Fabio asked, surprised.

“For Prada, Jimmy Choo and Manalo Blahnik,” I told my dad.

Without missing a single beat, Fabio was on it. “I’d like a pair in black.”

Shaking his head, Roy chuckled. “Fine. Boots all around. You really think you can help me?”

“No clue, but I can certainly do better than you’re doing right now.”

“Zelda has a point, Rad,” Sassy said. “Your skills suck.”

“Fine. I accept,” Roy said, still looking petrified.

“Well, good luck to you,” Fabio told him. “However, I believe we should take care of that nose before you let Zelda become your Cyrano De Bergerac.”

“It’s Houston,” Sassy corrected Fabio. “Zelda changed her name to Houston, not Cerano De Buttcrack.”

“Right,” Fabio said, knowing far better than to try to correct Sassy or explain what he’d meant. “Sit down, Roy.”

Roy sat.

Fabio healed.

Kind of…

It was a known fact that female witch healers were far stronger than male warlock healers. I’d just never seen proof until now.

“Umm… Fabdudio,” I said, wincing as he hopped around the room groaning in pain and frantically searching for something to stem the blood now pouring from his own nose.

Bermangoggleshitz was completely fine—nose as good as new. My dad? Not so much.

“Is that supposed to happen?” Roy asked, shocked.

“No,” I replied, grabbing a clean burb cloth and shoving it into my dad’s hands. “What gives?”

“Not sure,” Fabio said as confused as Roy. “I normally take on the pain of what I heal—not the actual injury. This is odd.”

“Sit down and put your head back,” Sassy instructed. “I’m gonna go find some fucking Windex.”

“Do not let her use Windex on my face,” Fabio begged as he shoved the edges of the burb cloth up each nostril.

“It worked in My Big Fat Greek Wedding,” Roy pointed out.

“Oh my Goddess,” I grumbled. “She is so your daughter.”

While I pondered what in the ever-loving hell to do, Sassy arrived with the Windex, which my father promptly conjured into a Birkin bag. Sassy was so taken with the purse, she forgot all about spraying my dad’s face with window cleaner.

“I’m no good at this,” Fabio said. “We could be in big trouble here if someone gets seriously injured.”

“Buwsit Crapass,” Henry said, standing up on his chunky baby legs and pointing his finger at his defeated grandfather.

“Buzzhit Kapass,” Audrey joined in.

She, too pointed at Fabio. Both of my children were grinning from ear to ear and I let my head fall in defeat. I was fairly sure their first words were definitely profane.

It was now official. I sucked ass as a mom.

“What did they say?” Bermangoggleshitz asked.

“I speak baby,” Sassy announced. “They said, ‘bullshit I crapped my pants’ or they might have said, ‘Krampas is a bullshit movie’ or most likely they said, ‘bullshit Grandpa’. The only word I’m sure of is bullshit.”

Before I could cry or admonish my gorgeous babies for swearing, they crawled over to Fabio and onto his lap. Gently touching his face and whispering nonsensical loving words they closed their eyes and hummed.

The atmosphere of the room went from normal to magical in a split second. Tiny golden sparks danced around my children’s red curls like miniature sparkling halos. Their giggles produced more sparkles in pinks, teals and silver. Fabio was covered from head to toe in an enchantment like I’d never witnessed. As the magic drifted away, Fabio sighed with contented relief.

“Busssit Crapass,” Audrey said, planting a wet kiss on Fabio’s perfectly healed nose.

“I’m thinking they just named you Crapass,” Sassy said with a laugh.

“They can call me whatever they want,” Fabio said, cuddling my children close and showering them with kisses. “Anything their little hearts desire and I will answer to it.”

“My Goddess,” Bermangoggleshitz gasped out. “They shift and heal? What else can they do?”

My head whipped around so fast, Roy jumped back to avoid ending up crispy. Black sparks flew from my fingertips and I was this close to blasting Roy to the Next Adventure.

“You. Saw. Nothing,” I ground out through clenched teeth. “Do you feel me? I don’t care how powerful you are or how semi-evil, I will take you to hell and drop you off if you tell anyone about my children.”

Bermangoggleshitz observed me with a small smile playing on his lips. “Do you love your dark magic right now?”

His question threw me.

“I love that I could end you if you wanted to harm my children,” I growled.

“So you do love it?” he pressed.

Inhaling deeply through my nose, I got a handle on my fury. The black magic receded and I stared him right in the eye. “Yes, I love it right now.”

“Do you think fate wanted you to have this particular gift to protect what is yours?” Bermangoggleshitz asked.

“Fate is as crazy as a motherhumpin’ loon. And the answer is… I don’t know,” I snapped, getting more confused. “So fine… maybe I can learn to love my dark side, but I still don’t know how to control it.”

“I’d say you’re doing pretty good, Houston,” Sassy chimed in. “Rad, do you have more than one badoinkadoink at the moment?”

Fabio’s bark of laughter and Roy’s gasp of horror would have been hilarious if all of this wasn’t so farked up.

Quickly turning his back to us, Bermangoggleshitz checked his man bits and sighed dramatically in relief. “Only one,” he said.

“See?” Sassy squealed, grabbing me and hugging me tight. “You were furious at my Rad, but you didn’t multiply his knob even though your dark magic was on full display. You’ve so got this, dude.”

“That’s a bit premature—no genital pun intended,” Roy said. “But we’ve made progress. And Zelda, you have my word that I will never reveal anything about your children.”

“Your word means nothing to me,” I told him flatly. “You come with a really bad track record.”

Bermangoggleshitz bowed his head in shame and understanding. “What can I do to assure you?”

I didn’t have to think at all. The most binding oath we had was Witches Honor—or in a male’s case—Warlock’s Honor. However, I had a little extra twist.

“You will swear on your honor, promising the Goddess to give up all your power and become human if you should break your vow.”

Fabio’s sharp intake of breath and Sassy’s gasp made me very aware of the gauntlet I’d just thrown down, but I stood by it. I would die for my children and no one was going to harm them on my clock.

“I will swear,” Bermangoggleshitz said without a beat of hesitation.

His immediate response surprised me, but a lot of things about Bermangoggleshitz were beginning to surprise me.

“Let’s do this outside,” Fabio suggested. “The Goddess will most certainly have something to add to the conversation and I’d think lightning in the house wouldn’t go over too well with Mac.”

“Excellent idea,” Bermangoggleshitz concurred as he walked to the front door and opened it.

“You’re probably gonna get an ass zapping from the Goddess. I get one at least once a week and I’m way better behaved than you are,” Sassy said, skipping out of the house after her father.

Fabio stood up with a baby in each arm. “You’re a good mother, my child.”

“Their first word was bullshit. That’s not really great parenting,” I said, mortified. “Don’t know how I’m gonna explain that one to Mac.”

Fabio laughed and planted a kiss on the top of my head. “Mac will be fine. He loves you and your potty mouth. I promise. You really ready to force Bermangoggleshitz’s hand?”

“Yep. That doesn’t faze me at all. Henry and Audrey will always come first.”

“As I said… you are a wonderful mother.”

“You’re actually a pretty good dad and Crapass, too,” I shot back.

“Crapass,” Henry and Audrey sang as we walked out the front door together.

I suppose his name could have been worse, but I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how.