Life goes on. It really does. You go through things that you’d never thought would happen. You cry, you break … and life around you still goes on.
God knows that I’d gone through a lot. My grandfather and my parents died on me. My brother betrayed me. And my grandmother, the one I considered my other mother, couldn’t even remember I existed.
I’d survived all of that; I did cry, and I did break. But with time, and with one more horrifying thing happening right after another, I’d learned to restore my heart and my faith, to pull myself together and keep going. Because, simply, life goes on.
When I lost my parents, it had taken me far too long to recover. I remember walking on the street, meeting people and talking on the phone with others. I remember seeing them smiling, hearing their voices, carefree and cheerful. I even remember that one of them made a joke and laughed while right in front of me.
The thoughts of ‘How could they?’ and ‘How dare he?’ wouldn’t leave my mind. I used to look at people and wonder, ‘Why aren’t they as sad as I am?’ I expected everyone to be as broken as I was. My parents had died, why weren’t they upset anymore? That guy was my dad’s best friend. This woman was so close to my mother. Such thoughts always seemed to be present in my mind.
But time taught me the one ultimate law about life, it goes on.
Unfortunately, nothing had prepared me for what Talia and her brother had done to me and to my family: my husband and siblings-in-law. The hurt was real and the pain was unbearable. And to top it all off, Mazen’s heart was bleeding inside his chest. I could feel it. Because my heart was bleeding right along with his.
This alone was almost enough for me to believe that my heart had been broken beyond repair. But my faith in how strong Mazen was, made me sure that it would pass. It had to. Because I couldn’t have it any other way. I didn’t know how to have it any other way.
A week had passed. Then it was two. I kept waiting for my grief to lighten, but it didn’t. I wanted to reach that level where I wouldn’t cry every time I thought about the loss of my unborn child. I wished with my whole heart to reach the point where I didn’t count every single day that passed since I’d known of what I had lost. I prayed that I would only think once a day about my baby and how it had been killed before it even got to live, instead of ten times every other second.
But it was in vain. Everything was in vain.
It wasn’t until a month had passed since the beheading that I realized I was waiting for Mazen to pick up my broken pieces and put them back together. He didn’t. Mazen was as miserable as I was, if not even more so.
But his hugs comforted me, and his kisses whispered silently of his undying love. His love and care still shone behind the dark shadows of his broken heart.
It kept me going.
His kind words which rang over and over in my ears kept me going:
“You’re strong because of you. Not because of me. Let the strength grow from inside you, not because of who’s standing next to you. I know you can do it. You’re so much stronger than you think you are. With or without me.”
I made it my life’s goal to prove him right, and I stayed strong. Well, as much as I could.
It was just another morning when the beautiful scent of my husband’s cologne woke me as he bent down for a goodbye kiss before he had to leave for the day.
This time I didn’t let him go after he placed a kiss on my forehead. I pulled him to me by the neck and hugged him, with my eyes still closed as sleepiness hadn’t quite left me yet.
“Oh, good morning, princess.” Mazen said into my neck. “I didn’t mean to wake you, but you probably should get up.” He kissed my naked shoulder lightly.
“Mmhmm,” was all I said, still holding him to me. I was absolutely sure I had messed up his ghutra.
Mazen chuckled softly. “As much as I wish to stay this way forever, I sadly have to go,” he said with another peck of his lips, right under my chin this time, and then he pulled away despite my grumpy protests.
“Come home early tonight,” I told him.
“I promise to try my best.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, Marie.” It was the last thing I heard before I dozed off again. I’d had a very long day yesterday, and I got back so late that I could barely stand on my feet; it was no wonder I couldn’t open my eyes.
“Your Majesty? Your Majesty?”
“Huh?”
“Forgive me, Your Majesty,” Donia said. “The private secretary, the palace managers, and your stylist are waiting for Your Majesty to wake up. Do I tell them to leave?”
“Oh, no. I’m awake.” I sat up and shot out of bed, as there was no escaping my responsibilities. “Make me some coffee, please.”
“But His Majesty sai–”
“I know what he said,” I interrupted her. “It will be our little secret.”
“Um ...”
“Please?” I begged, fully aware that she hated disobeying Mazen’s orders. He had told her not to let me drink coffee before breakfast because of my sensitive stomach, but I really needed it.
“Of course, Your Majesty,” she smiled before leaving to get my coffee.
About half an hour, one shower, and a strong cup of coffee later, I was sitting in front of my dresser as my hairstylist worked on my hair and one of my private secretaries recited my meetings for the day.
“No, please reschedule any meetings after six to another day. I want to be back here early for a change,” I said. I’d been working non-stop for the past month, trying to bury my sadness under tons of duties and work, but getting back last night for the first time ever to a sleeping Mazen told me that things had to change.
“As you please, Your Majesty,” Rana said, “but there’s just one thing that I need to schedule today, if you don’t mind.”
“What is it?” I asked as I looked at the mirror to see what the hairstylist was doing to my hair.
“The Queen Mother has requested a private meeting with you.”
I turned my head abruptly toward my private secretary’s direction at the sound of her words, forcing my hairstylist to stop her work on my hair. “The Queen Mother?”
“Yes, Your Majesty,”
“A meeting with me?” Why would she request a meeting with me, knowing full well that her company wasn’t something that I’d ever enjoyed?
“Yes, Your Majesty. Would you like for me to put it at the end of today’s schedule, or before the first meeting?” Rana asked.
It took only half a minute before I decided. “Inform her that I apologize for declining her request. My time is limited, and my schedule is full.”
While I worked that day, I couldn’t stop wondering why my mother-in-law had requested a meeting with me – a private one, that is. What could she need? Or better yet, what was it that she wanted me to do for her?
I couldn’t think of anything good that could come out of meeting with this woman. She hadn’t bothered me since the day of the incident. We hadn’t spoken since the day I came back to the Kingdom. I don’t think of that thing anymore, but there was no way that I would forget the look on her face as she left her niece’s cell the night before the beheading.
She was heartbroken, and that wasn’t something I’d expected, even from someone as messed up as her.
All I could think was, ‘If you were that sad for the defeat of my enemy – then you can’t really be my friend’. Not that being friends with her was even an option, but I was very certain that nothing good would come out of me speaking with her, so I didn’t bother.
That didn’t stop my curiosity about what she could want from me. But my ill feelings for that woman won out over my curiosity and I simply let it go. Nothing she had to say could interest me.
“Your Majesty, Princess Rosanna is here for your meeting,” Manar informed me.
“Let her in, please,” I replied, signing the last of the papers that another private secretary had placed in front of me.
“Good afternoon, Your Majesty,” Rosanna greeted me as soon as she stepped into my office.
“Hey!” I got up and left my desk to meet her halfway with a tight hug. Even though this was a formal meeting, I couldn’t resist hugging my best friend. I could tell just by the tone of her voice that she needed it; something was bothering her. I had a small idea of what could be upsetting her, and I absolutely hated it.
Rosanna’s eyes narrowed a little as she offered me a small smile, confirming my earlier impression that she was feeling down.
“Give us some privacy, please,” I ordered, dismissing everyone that was in the office.
Once we were left alone, Rosanna pulled down her face cover, and with a smile, I guided her to one of the couches at the far corner of my office.
“I brought you the updated version of the pro–” Rosanna started, but I had to interrupt her.
“That can wait. Tell me how the appointment with your gynecologist went.” I had to ask since I was sure that whatever Dr. Hadeer had told her had everything to do with her current mood.
Rosanna let go of a long exhale of breath and shook her head before she spoke, “Nothing happened there.” Her gaze didn’t leave the floor as she said the three words.
“What do you mean ‘Nothing happened there’?” I asked with a frown on my face, confused.
“She had nothing new to tell me.” Rosanna shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t even know why I’m upset. Like, I didn’t expect her to tell me that I’m pregnant or something … but I guess I just needed to hear anything positive, maybe.”
“But she didn’t tell you anything negative – that’s a good thing, Rosanna,” I assured her, reaching for her hand and giving it a squeeze.
“I guess.”
“It’s still too soon. All we can do now is wait,” I paused, “and have lots of sex.” I tried to cheer her up with my lame joke.
My heart was aching, and my chest was burning with worry and sadness. But I couldn’t let that show in front of Rosanna. She was always there to lift up my spirits. It was a small thing to hold her hand now when she needed it the most.
Rosanna had it much worse than I did; I couldn’t believe how strong she was. I couldn’t imagine being in her shoes. Heck, I only had a small sip from the glass of betrayal that killed my unborn baby. She drank the whole bottle. I was heartbroken and miserable; I had no idea how Rosanna was able to function after all of she had gone through. I know I wouldn’t have been able to.
It was an inspiring and wrenching thing to see all at the same time.
Rosanna’s lips formed a small smile. “That’s the only reason I haven’t lost my mind over trying so much yet.”
I smiled back. “We promised each other not to stress about it, remember?”
“You’re right,” she nodded. “I’m sorry for … being this way. It just gets hard sometimes. It’s like – I’m right back to the person I was during my first two years of marriage, crazily obsessed with getting pregnant.”
“Hey, it’s all right. I really understand.”
Oh, how well I understood how she was feeling.
“I know you do. Even though I wish you didn’t.” She shook her head.
God only knows how I wished the same for her, but I’d come to accept what happened, because life goes on.
A little after six, I went back to my wing, and I was greeted by Hana, my other servant. I responded to her greeting with a smile and asked if Donia had arranged everything I’d asked for her to do.
“Yes, Your Majesty, everything is set just as you requested.” Hana replied.
“That’s great. Has Donia left already?”
“She has. Would you like for me to prepare you a snack to eat before His Majesty’s arrival?”
“No. I’ll wait for him,” I said. “I’ll go change my clothes and then I’ll need your help with a few things.”
“Of course, Your Majesty. May I help you get dressed?”
“No, it’s fine. I’ll call you when I’m finished.” I offered her a small smile, dismissing her.
My plan was to get everything done before Mazen left his office. I wanted to wait for him by the door for a change. It had been him waiting for me almost every night for the past month. I felt awful for keeping him waiting that way, and I wanted tonight to be special.
Dressing in something that I knew Mazen would like and cooking him one of his favorite meals were two of the many things I’d planned for the night.
Donia helped me with the hundred candles I’d requested to have brought to our bedroom, and they were finally lit just mere minutes before Mazen was due to step inside the wing. The last thing I did was to shower the floor with red rosebuds and spray the place with his favorite incense, Sandalwood.
With a broad smile on my face, I greeted my husband, “Welcome back, Your Majesty,”
His surprised eyes and the smile on his lips were enough of a reward for all of the efforts I’d made to make our night together as warm and cozy as possible.
“Princess, what a pleasant surprise.” Mazen kissed me hard on my lips, then took me in his arms for one long hug that removed all of the stress of the day. I was pretty sure he was feeling just the same, and I wasn’t going to pull back until he was ready to let go.
“I wanted to make tonight special,” I whispered into his chest.
Mazen pulled back slightly and looked into my eyes. “Every day and every night with you is special, Marie,” he whispered back, and it warmed my heart like a beautiful ray of sunshine lighting up a dark room. “But what’s the occasion?”
“You.”
There was nothing in the world that made me happier than being in Mazen’s arms. His voice was a calming lullaby that I could listen to all night without ever getting bored. One look into his eyes was enough to make me feel whole. One touch of his hands was enough to make me feel safe. He was my whole world, my rock, and my light.
We spent the whole night talking and touching. I’d missed him so much. There was nothing that I hated more than the fact that we had been distant for the past few weeks.
Every day we discussed a thing or two, and every night we held each other tight, but I knew very well that things weren’t the same, and I couldn’t help but wonder if they’d ever get back to normal.
What concerned me the most was Mazen. His smiles never reached his eyes anymore. His laughs weren’t genuine. His shoulders were heavier than I’d ever felt them to be.
Guilt was eating at his soul, still.
We never really talked about his cousins. I wanted to put everything behind us. But you could feel it; you could feel the damage they’d done to our lives. The best I could do was to wait for time to heal, to turn everything back to the way it was.
However, I also tried, a lot. I tried to race time and get everything fixed with my own hands. I tried to pull just one genuine smile from my love’s lips. But I always failed. He was only doing it for my sake, as he always did.
I didn’t let go of hope, I knew that someday soon I would once again see him as the man I fell in love with: playful and passionate. He had to be, because I needed him.
“Marie? Are you still awake?” Mazen asked later that night. My back was against his bare chest as I used his arm as a pillow, while his other arm hugged me tightly to his body.
“Mmhmm,” was my reply. Little did he know that I wasn’t even close to being sleepy, even after the mind-blowing sex – my mind still couldn’t find a way to relax.
“There’s something I want to tell you, but I’m not sure if you’ll want to hear it.”
I frowned. “What is it?”
“My mother sent me a message today.”
My body went tense, and I thought Mazen could feel it because the hand that was hugging me started rubbing my naked shoulder lazily. “Aha?”
“She says she wants to meet with you.”
“I know,” I sighed.
“I will never force you to do something that you don’t want to do, princess. You know that,” he said. “But I think you should accept the invitation.”
My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. I was shocked that Mazen of all people would say that. He knew exactly how I felt about his mother.
“Are you serious?” I made a move to turn around but he held me in place. I had a feeling that he didn’t want to look me in the eyes while he said what he knew I wouldn’t like hearing.
“Listen to me, Marie. All I’m saying is you should just give her a chance to say what she needs to tell you. It might be important.”
“Do you know what she wants to talk about?”
“I do,” he admitted.
“Why don’t you tell me about it yourself then? Why do I have to meet with her?”
“It’s better if you hear it from her,” Mazen said, and I pursed my lips.
Mazen had a point when he said it might be important. If he thought I should meet her, knowing full well that I didn’t like to be in her presence, then it must be something that was better done than denied.
But I couldn’t – just thinking about talking to her face to face was annoying me to the point I started gritting my teeth. It was frustrating.
“Just think about it, my princess,” Mazen said sleepily after a long pause of silence, placing a kiss on my back where my shoulders met.
Like everything that was Mazen, just that small kiss was enough to ease my frustration. It was like magic. Always.
A few minutes later, I spoke once again, aware that Mazen was almost asleep. “Mazen, tell me something good about your mother.” Maybe I wanted to hear just one reason why I should swallow the idea of accepting her invitation.
Mazen’s answer was sleepy and short, but it held the most truthful fact “She gave me life, and made me the person that I am.”
I squeezed my eyes shut. She did give life to the person whom my world revolved around. It was enough reason to make me give her a chance.
“I’ll do it.”