Mihr

It has been five days since Fern collapsed in my arms, but it may as well have been a lifetime.

I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I can’t think straight. I can barely even breathe. My muscles ache, even my heart pounds a different beat. I feel sick.

I’ve never known torture like it. I understand now what it truly feels like to be a prisoner in Queen Adrielle’s castle. I understand what pure fear is. I see it on Ether’s face, on Gabe’s, and even though I want to kill him for what he has done, I have no fight left to do even that. His own guilt is enough of a punishment. My own guilt is weighing heavy on my shoulders.

Why didn’t she listen to me? Why did any of us believe it would be okay? Why, in all that is Life, did we think Gabe would be able to control himself? More to the point, why did we leave her with him? We are all to blame.

Gabe for his kiss of death.

Ether for ignoring his own judgement.

Tillan for believing Fern should be able to choose.

Fern for thinking she was never in danger.

And me for letting her walk into death’s jaws.

None of Tillan’s elixirs have worked. She has gone through every combination she can think of, but all for nothing. Every day we have taken Fern to the ground, watched as the blue veins wound around her body. Yet they don’t seem to be able to regenerate her either.

She is being torn apart with pain in front of our eyes and there is nothing any of us can do about it. She is dying, and it isn’t peaceful, or gentle. Her screams of pain and hours of hallucinations and nonsensical mumblings tear at my skin, bury into my muscle and score my bones. Sweat pours from her greying skin. Her nails are broken from gripping so hard to the mattress she lies upon. Her muscles are rigid, her pulse rapid, her breathing shallow.

“Mihr, I am running out of ideas. The elixirs are useless, she isn’t regenerating. I don’t know how else to help her,” Tillan says gently. The tone of her voice tells me she is defeated. I turn on her.

“Think of something else. You’re supposed to be the wisest of us all. You’re supposed to know what to do!” I sign angrily.

Ether enters the room behind her. He looks just as grey as I do, as Fern does.

“This isn’t Tillan’s fault,” he says.

“No, it’s mine,” Gabe says, as he follows Ether into the room. To look at him you would think he was dying too. I wish he were.

“Don’t come near her,” I seethe, my fingers shaking with anger. “You’ve done enough damage.”

“She’s too far gone for his presence to make any difference now,” Tillan says.

“I don’t care, I don’t want him anywhere near her,” I say, punctuating the air with my fingers. Gabe flinches but he takes my anger, absorbs it. My friend, my brother, is now someone I can’t bear to look at. My wings shoot out from my back, shielding Fern from everyone bar me. She groans, her body convulses. Leaning over, I press my hand against her bare arm. Her skin is clammy, cold. My touch does nothing to warm it. I’ve been trying for days, running my hands over her skin. Tillan had thought it might help, given the Harmonious bond. But it hasn’t. Nothing has.

“Fern, can you hear me? It’s Mihr, we are all here. Don’t leave us just yet,” I rasp, the sound of my speaking voice unfamiliar to me after so long.

“Mihr…” Ether starts. I know he’s surprised to hear me speak, even though I broke my centuries of silence when I sang to Fern almost a week ago.

“I thought if she heard my voice…”

“You thought she’d suddenly wake up and throw herself into your arms, just by the sound of your voice?” Gabe says, a note of derision in his voice.

I stand, my wings snapping back into place as I whirl on my feet and stalk towards him. “You dare to ridicule me after what you’ve done? Look at the pain she’s in just because you couldn’t control yourself,” I say, poking my finger into his chest. “Look what your selfishness, your weakness, has done. You don’t love her, how can you when this is what you’ve done? LOOK AT HER!” I shout. Gabe and Ether flinch as my anger finally finds its release with a voice that hasn’t uttered any words since I took that first life.

“I tried to walk away. Mihr, I tried,” Gabe says, punching his fist into his chest. “Something in here stopped me. I couldn’t do it. Fern couldn’t either. Something was happening between us. It didn’t feel wrong. I can’t explain it… I’ve been thinking about it. I don’t think you should have stopped us…”

“Not stopped you?! Are you fucking insane, Gabe? You were killing her!”

“No, no I wasn’t. It felt different.”

“Different to Carlotta? Different to the hundreds, thousands of lives you’ve taken?!” I press, anger and pain and hopelessness leaking out of me now.

“Yes. Yes, it was,” he insists, stepping closer to me.

“Get out of here, Gabe, before I rip your head from your shoulders!” I shout.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Ether pull up to his full height, even though it seems to hurt him to do so.

“Fight, try and kill each other if you must, but I for one am done with your shit. We have ALL failed Fern. Now we have to fix this mess,” Ether snaps. “Let us try and regenerate her again.”

Both Gabe and I are breathing heavily, both on the cusp of brawling again.

“Ether, it doesn’t work,” I say.

“Then what else can we do? Perhaps we should take her back to her home. There might be somebody there that can help her.”

“NO!” both Gabe and I say simultaneously. At least Fern remaining with us is something we agree on.

“That creature is still out there. Besides, nothing I have seen in the place where Fern works has ever been able to bring back those people I released from life. They try, this race of people Fern has lived among, but to no avail. We will not find a cure there,” Gabe adds.

“You still believe she can be helped?” I say. “Are you so blind that you cannot see what is right in front of you?”

Gabe opens his mouth to respond but behind us Fern starts to shout incoherently. The words are jumbled, backwards. Her head thrashes as she fights against the pain. I forget my argument with Gabe and rush to her side. Placing one palm against her head, and one against her chest to hold her steady, I bend down and whisper in her ear.

“Hush now, Fern. I’m here. We all are. Try to hold on.”

I stare at her beautiful face that is now losing colour rapidly. If she is going to die, then she won’t be doing it here in Tillan’s house. It isn’t sacred enough. Making a decision, I scoop her up into my arms and stand.

“I’m taking her to the temple. This will not be the place her life comes to an end,” I say. Gabe and Ether exchange looks, then step aside, their faces ashen.

Ether lays a hand on my shoulder. “Gabe and I will come with you.”

“As you wish.”

“I would like to attend too,” Tillan adds, her eyes softening as she looks at Fern.

“No. This is our responsibility. Thank you for trying, Tillan.” I dip my head, acknowledging her efforts, then leave. She doesn’t try to protest.

Stepping out onto Tillan’s balcony, I can see that the sky is still its usual deep pink; the only difference marking it night instead of day is the fact that the rest of Clan Vitae are sleeping. In Utero, our body clocks run in time with this place we call home. During the day, the veins within the soft, spongy ground light up blue. At night, their light dims to a barely perceived glow like they are now. I’m desperate for sleep, having ignored my own body clock these past five days. Perhaps I shall finally have the strength to sleep for eternity now all hopes of a future are gone. Adjusting Fern in my arms and holding her tightly against my chest, I launch into the air.

It is more difficult for me to fly. Fern is still no weight in my arms, but I am exhausted and bone weary. Behind me I hear the soft whoosh of more wings taking flight and know that both Ether and Gabe are following.

It takes a good while to reach the temple, my fatigue making it difficult. Although still muttering, Fern has not convulsed or twitched with pain since leaving Tillan’s home and though this makes it easier to fly, it doesn’t make me feel any better. At least with pain, there is still fight. Her stillness scares me now.

Eventually, I see the curved wooden roof of the temple and the blinking flames of the candles just beyond the entrance. The candles are always lit to remind Clan Vitae that even in the darkest of times there will forever be hope. Another reminder of a past where life was abundant and filled with joy. I used to be comforted by that. Not anymore.

Landing on unsteady feet, I make my way into the temple. It is not a large space, only able to fit half a dozen angels at one time. There are no places to sit, just bare stone walls and floor. The candles are placed around the edges of the room, and on the dais is a statue of a mother holding her newborn. She is gazing with such love at her baby. I look away, it reminds me too much of the soul I have taken repeatedly to save my own.

Gabe and Ether enter behind me.

“You should lay her down, Mihr. You’re exhausted,” Ether says, his own voice telling me he feels much the same.

“The floor is cold, I shall sit with her in my arms.”

Entering the centre of the temple, I make myself as comfortable as I can on the cold stone floor. Fern barely makes a noise as I settle her in my arms and place my hand on the centre of her chest. I can barely feel the thump of her heart. “She is fading.” My wings automatically wrap around her in a protective embrace.

“Mihr, please let me touch her,” Gabe implores, dropping to his knees in front of us. I look up at him through the dip of my joined wings.

“You’ve done enough. She’s dying.”

“If that’s the case, then my touch won’t make a difference now, she is already lost.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Ether approach. “Perhaps Gabe is right, Mihr. It’s worth a try, is it not?”

“If he touches her now, it will speed up her death. Whilst her heart still beats there is still hope.” As if to prove a point, Fern convulses in my arms, her head thrashing from side to side. I hold onto her tightly, trying to comfort her.

“Then Gabe’s touch will bring her swift release. It is all we can give her now,” Ether says as he too kneels in front of us both.

I look from their faces to Fern’s. Pain is etched in the lines around her mouth, in the tight press of her lips and the rigid hold of her muscles. She doesn’t deserve to feel so much pain.

“Do it,” I say quickly, before I am able to change my mind. I withdraw my wings and take one of Fern’s hands in mine. Gabe shuffles forward and reaches out for her other hand, grasping it firmly. The reaction is immediate. Gabe’s eyes slam shut as Fern’s body falls limp in my arms.

“Gabe, what’s happening?” I say. He doesn’t answer me, he can’t. I watch as his own body stiffens, his wings shooting out from behind him. Between their clutched hands a white glow appears.

“Ether, what in Life’s name is going on?”

He shakes his head unbelievingly. “Look at your hand, Mihr,” Ether says, pointing down. A white glow erupts from where my hand is wrapped around Fern’s. I feel a gentle warmth where our skin meets. It’s soothing, comforting.

Then it all makes sense. How could we have been so stupid? For the first time in five days I feel hope.

“I’m connected with Fern, but only physically,” I say in a rush. Ether looks at me with confusion. “Don’t you see? I can touch Fern without harming her, she can understand my sign language, the movements of my body, but for all those years she never heard my voice as it should be with the Harmonia coupling, she only ever heard Gabe’s.”

“You believe the Harmonious bond is something divided between the three of you?” Ether asks. “That’s unheard of.”

“Not just Gabe and me, Ether. It is already noticeable that Fern is your match. You are alike in the way you think. You’re both stubborn, passionate, strong.” I point to my hand clutching Fern’s. “Body,” I say, then aim my finger at Ether. “Mind,” I continue. Then finally I point to Gabe. “Soul. We all touched her. We all started this process. Now we have to finish it. Whatever this may be. Put your hand on her, Ether.”

He hesitates.

“Do it now!”

Ether grinds his teeth but does what I demand. The moment his hand presses against the bare skin of Fern’s cheek, the same white glow erupts from where their skin touches. I feel the change before I see it. A blast of warmth, followed by cold, followed by heat. The different temperatures shoot up my arm, spreading over my body. Ether lets out a low groan, as does Mihr. I feel what they feel too, the thrilling sensation feathered in darkness, rolled in light. Somewhere inside I feel the urge to sing. It has been a while since I have sung with my brothers, eight hundred years or so.

Now, to sing once more with my brothers seems fitting. I begin to hum, and before long Gabe joins in. The low bass of Gabe’s voice rumbles through my chest, followed shortly by Ether’s baritone, layering over the top and merging with his. My own voice floats above both of theirs as I reach the higher notes they can’t. Together we harmonise beautifully, complementing one another. I’ve forgotten how good we sound together. Queen Adrielle’s rule had forbidden it, our own despair has prevented us from enjoying what was once integral to our people. Now, I sing with everything I have, knowing it is important to us, to Fern.

Pushing away the darkness, I let go of the anger I feel for Gabe, let go of the guilt and the pain from all the lives I’ve taken as a Death Bringer. Instead, drawing Fern’s hand against my chest, I concentrate on the melody and the sound of my brothers’ voices as they strike the perfect chord, of my own as I reach the highest note. A perfect harmony twining in the air around us. We sing of hope, of joy, of better things to come.

The light pours from our touch, it ripples over Fern’s body, over ours. We are connected, the four of us. The air swirls with it, a vortex of bright white, blue sparks flashing within. The candles flicker, then burst into flame.

And just as our song reaches its crescendo, below us Fern begins to stir.