Fern

“I don’t know what to say, Dani, that’s what I saw. Do you think I’m going mad?” I ask, half signing, half speaking. Dani looks at me curiously from her spot on the sofa opposite. It’s been almost a week since the baby died, and I’ve been staying with Dani for pretty much all that time. Work granted me a week’s leave after they saw how upset I was by it.

“Mad? No, you’re not going mad, Fern. This is the first baby you’ve lost. It was traumatic.”

“You don’t believe me?” I drop my hands to my lap and pull the soft cashmere blanket tighter around my legs. Despite the roaring fire in Dani’s front room, I feel cold.

“I believe that what you saw was real to you, Fern. I know you, and you’re not a liar.” She sighs, swiping her short, pink hair behind her ear. This week pink, next week purple. She changes the colour to suit her mood. Always changing her appearance as though she’s never quite happy sticking with one.

“There’s a but, isn’t there?” I ask. Her amber eyes soften, they are almost the same colour as the golden flames in the hearth behind her. Extraordinary eyes, as my mother would say. “Not a but, just a what if?”

“What do you mean?” I press. It’s been less than a week since I watched the dark-haired, dark-winged angel leap from the roof of the hospital building. Less than a week since Blakely had died, taken by that same angel who had apologised with words that weren’t enough. Blakely.

That’s the name Natasha had given her son. When I looked up the meaning of his name, I wasn’t all that surprised to find it means ‘from the dark meadow’. Had she heard the angel’s singing too? Had the words of the songs somehow filtered into her subconsciousness? All I know is that the angel with glacier eyes and words of apology on his lips had taken Blakely to a place he had sung about. I think about his tiny form, lost in a meadow of dark shadows and mists, and my chest tightens with distress.

I am haunted by them both. Blakely and his tiny, limp form, and the dark-winged angel whose voice spears my soul and crushes my heart.

“Fern, did you hear what I said?” Dani sits down beside me, her fingers moving to converse, before grasping my hand in hers.

I look up at her, pulling a face. “I’m sorry. My thoughts are elsewhere.”

“Don’t be. You’re in shock. Even though that little boy wasn’t your flesh and blood, you are grieving for him. It’s perfectly normal behaviour. Post-traumatic stress, Fern. It could explain what you saw and what you heard.”

“I understand what you’re saying, and I know you say it from knowledge and experience of other people you care for, Dani, but it was more than my mind making up something to deal with Blakely’s death and Natasha’s grief. He was real.”

Dani doesn’t try to disagree with me. Instead, she pulls me into a hug and leans her cheek against the top of my head. She holds me like this for a while until I feel less anxious. Sensing me relax, she pulls away slightly.

“Will you do something for me?” she asks.

“What?”

“Tomorrow I am working with a young boy called Tom. He hasn’t talked with his father for the last five years. He witnessed his mother’s death when he was only six years old and hasn’t been able to speak since.”

“His mother’s death? What happened to her?”

“I don’t know exactly what happened. His dad is an interesting man, very gruff, standoffish. Not keen on talking so much with me. From what I can gather, Tom’s mum was killed by an intruder in their own home. That’s all Finch has told me.”

“God, that’s horrible.”

“It is. Imagine witnessing something like that? Tom is such a sweet kid. It breaks my heart knowing that someone could be so callous, so evil.”

“God, human beings can be such bastards…”

“Why do you think I spend so much time around animals?”

“Maybe I should change jobs. Come stay here with you. You could show me the ropes.”

“Fern, you won’t give up midwifery any more than I would give up my horses. It’s in your blood.” Dani smiles, she knows me far too well.

“Did you say Tom’s father was called Finch?”

“Yep, Finch, like the small bird. His name doesn’t suit him at all.”

“No?” I ask.

“Nope. Not in the slightest. You’ll see what I mean tomorrow, when he brings Tom. He’s been having sessions with me and Charity…”

“Your chestnut mare?”

“Yes. She’s taken a liking to him, and he to her. Last week I had a breakthrough. He smiled. Of course, I think Charity believed it was all on her... you should have seen how she pranced around the paddock. Out of all my horses, she is the most sensitive to human emotion. She could help you.”

“You think I need horse therapy?”

Dani laughs. “You know I think everyone needs horse therapy. They are magnificent creatures and are incredible at sensing a person’s emotions and intent. You might get something out of it, that’s all I’m saying. Even if all you do is stand and watch, it might help, Fern.”

“Okay. I’ll give it a try,” I sign, too tired to try and speak anymore. Dani pulls me against her chest once more and I let her soothe me, trying not to think about my Angel of Death and the baby he stole.

Around midday, I stand with Dani in her paddock. It’s cold enough to need three layers of clothing, but the sky is clear and the sun, though weak, is shining. Charity has been brought out of her stable and is cantering around the field, releasing some energy before Tom arrives. I stand with my arms and feet propped against the wooden fence, watching her. She is beautiful, and one of my favourite horses. Dani approaches me from the other side of the fence.

“Look at her, I think she’s excited to see Tom.”

I smile. “It looks like it.”

As though right on cue a beat-up, green Land Rover crawls up Dani’s gravel drive. She’s lucky enough to live on ten acres of land, separated from the main road by a winding driveway. It’s a little too cut-off for me, but for Dani, who loves the outdoors and the animals who live in it, she is more than happy with the isolation. The passenger door to the car opens and out steps a brown-eyed, floppy-haired boy. He’s at that age where childhood still lingers in his face, but teenage years are just around the corner. All skinny arms and legs and awkward movements.

“Hi Tom,” Dani says.

Totally ignoring us both, Tom runs towards the portion of fence nearest to Dani’s house. Dani laughs, not in the slightest bit bothered by it.

“Charity has been looking forward to seeing you,” she says. Tom briefly looks at her, the corner of his lips pulling upwards in a strange grimace that looks a tiny bit like a smile.

“I’m sorry about that. He doesn’t mean anything by it,” a deep, gruff voice says from behind us. Today, I am super glad I put my hearing aids in. I wouldn’t want to miss the sound of this voice. I raise my eyebrows at Dani, whose normally even complexion is tinged a little pink, to say the least.

“Behave,” she signs quickly. I try not to laugh.

I turn around, desperate now to see the man who owns such a deep, gravelly voice. Dani was right, Finch does not suit him. The first thing I notice is the dark, black beard and hair that somehow showcases a face that roars masculinity, rather than hides it. He has deep-set brown eyes, a strong brow and full lips. He crosses his arms across his broad chest, totally ignoring my gawking. I almost ask if he’s cold, given he’s only wearing a t-shirt. I mean it’s freezing, how is he not blue? Not that I’d be able to tell, as every inch of him appears to be covered in tattoos. This man’s a beast and, whilst attractive in a kind of ‘sling you over the shoulder’ dominant kind of way, he’s not to my taste at all.

Dani jumps down from the fence next to me, not bothering to use the gate, and presses her finger into my side. I close my mouth with a slap of lips. Oops, I think I may have been ogling. Not that he’d notice; he hasn’t taken his eyes off Dani for even a second.

“Don’t worry about it. I prefer that Tom is more excited to see Charity than me. She does all the hard work anyway and deserves the adoration.”

“Nonetheless, you deserve some attention too,” he says, striding towards us both with thick, muscled legs, hidden by a pair of tight blue jeans that pull around his thighs.

I side-eye Dani, who is trying not to look at me.

Oh boy, this is going to be an interesting afternoon.

“This is my friend, Fern. She’s been staying with me for a couple days. I hope you don’t mind her being here,” Dani says.

“Not my business whether she is or isn’t. This is your territory,” Finch grunts.

“Territory?” I sign to Dani. “What a weird thing to say…”

She shushes me with one of her ‘shut up and be quiet’ looks. I try not to laugh.

Finch glances at us both, barely looking at me. Though when our eyes meet, rather than dip his head in acknowledgement he seems to sniff the air. It’s a little odd. Okay, it’s a lot odd.

“That’s true, Finch. I suppose this is my territory,” Dani says, a hint of amusement in her voice. I watch as she walks past him, her hips seeming to sway far more than they usually do when she walks. She glances over her shoulder at him and smiles. It’s sexy. Dani is flirting… I never thought I’d see the day. It seems to be working because Finch is following her swaying arse with a look of wanton lust on his face.

I feel a pang of jealousy. No one has ever looked at me like that before. Stuck with death as my admirer, this kind of normal behaviour between two hot-blooded adults is about as familiar to me as a loving relationship between my mother and me. I’ve had relationships, some were better than others but frankly none of them were passionate and most disappointing. I am reminded of my dark angel and his soul-piercing eyes and a feeling of need and want washes over me.

Shit. I don’t want to want him. I shouldn’t want him, not after what he took. But I can’t stop thinking about him. It’s driving me crazy.

“Come on Tom, let’s go and see Charity,” Dani says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

This time, using the gate to enter the paddock, Dani motions for Tom to follow her and they both walk towards Charity, who is trotting over to greet them.

For the next hour I watch Dani work. Finch remains where he is, never once taking his eyes off either of them and not bothering to make conversation with me. He seems more than content ignoring me completely. Which, frankly, is fine by me. Eventually, it’s time for Tom and Finch to leave and whilst Tom still hasn’t said a word, I saw him smile more than once. A step in the right direction, I guess.

After some awkward goodbyes, where Finch practically tears my arm off with his handshake, Dani and I head indoors for a much-needed cup of tea.

“I see what you mean about Finch. He’s not birdlike at all.” I grin.

“Shut up Fern,” Dani says, throwing a tea-towel at me.

“He’s very… big,” I tease, my tongue rolling the word out.

She looks at me, her amber eyes narrowing. For a split-second something dangerous flashes in them. “He’s mine,” she growls.

“Whoa, easy there, tiger!” I say, holding my hands up. “He is all yours. I’m not in the least bit interested.”

The territorial look dissolves quickly. “Shit. Sorry, Fern. I don’t know what came over me.”

“Oh, I know exactly what came over you…” I giggle, and it feels good to finally laugh after a week of sadness.

Dani lets out a laugh too. “I’m in serious trouble, aren’t I?”

I raise my eyebrows. “Yep, I reckon you are.”

“Oh, bloody fuck,” she says with a groan.

For the rest of the afternoon we talk men. Those that are absent, those that we dream could be ours and those we wish were real but aren’t. Dani has a way with people as much as she does with animals, even if she prefers them, and by early evening I find that my heart doesn’t hurt so much. Less than half an hour later I am standing by my car, hugging my best friend goodbye.

“Thanks, Dani, for everything. What would I do without you?”

“You’d do just fine. You’re strong, Fern. You’ll get through this, just like you’ve got through every other obstacle thrown at you. Call me anytime, and come back whenever, okay? Don’t leave it too long.” She pulls me into a hug.

“I’ll Facetime you soon. Love you, Dani Bear,” I say, calling her by the nickname I gave her as a child.

“Love you too, Ferny Pants,” she says with light laugh.

“You totally got the best nickname,” I say with a dramatic sigh as I get into my car.

“Of course!”

“Let me know how it goes with Finch,” I wink, putting the car into gear and slowly crawling along her drive.

“We’ll see.”

With one final wave, I roll up the window and head down her now darkened driveway. I swear I can hear a wolf howling in the distance.