Chapter 3
Lynn’s fingers were shaking as she answered her phone that was buzzing from her passenger seat.
“Yesss?,” She asked.
Jessica’s sweet voice filled the air, “Did you go? What happened? What do you think?”
Lynn couldn’t help but giggle before she responded.
“You didn’t adequately prepare me for that.”
“Prepare you for what? It went well, I take it?”
“I was there talking to him for over an hour. He apologized to me on behalf of all men,” Lynn told Jessica.
It’d felt like lightning, like a sand storm, like a fucking tornado all at once…yet, she’d never felt calmer in her entire life when he wrapped his arms around her only minutes earlier.
Jessica’s response had Lynn grinning like an idiot as she headed home to her apartment, Aiden on her mind.
“Elliot told me the same thing, and he turned out to be the love of my life! Ah, I knew it!”
Lynn smiled and remembered the way Aiden had reassured her, even though they both knew he didn’t have to. He’d even played along when she called herself a goddess jokingly.
“You’re a goddess, there’s no doubt about that. What your ex did to you was because of his insecurities, it had nothing to do with you.” Lynn was still glowing after a compliment like that.
Their conversation lasted for another fifteen minutes or so before Jessica hung up, and Lynn’s smile was still in place. She couldn’t believe how easy it had been, compared to her other small romantic endeavors after Jake. To just talk to him, feel connected in some kind of way. It’d been so long since Lynn had felt any kind of real connection that she was almost afraid to trust her gut.
That’s because he doesn’t know you went there for him, and not your car.
That may be true, and Lynn was comfortable admitting it, but that didn’t mean that she couldn’t feel good about hitting it off with Aiden. That’s what she’d wanted, right?
And, if she never heard from him ever again, at least she could say that she tried. She could say that she’d done her best to initiate something.
It would suck, sure, if she never talked to Aiden again- a lot. In fact, it would confuse the hell out of her as to why the universe would dangle something so right in front of her only to rip it away, but she wouldn’t be surprised.
Her life went like that more often than not.
No, she’d do the smart thing and be patient. If it was meant to be, it would work out. She honestly and truly believed that. After everything that happened with Jake, she could admit to herself that it was a blessing in disguise, because now she knew that better actually existed.
Lynn didn’t covet money, material things, or status.
She wasn’t impressed by fancy cars or big houses or flashy jewelry.
No, Lynn liked honesty and loyalty and compassion. She loved kindness and humor and sincerity.
Like, every time she was sure Aiden’s gaze would drop to her body and stick to her curves, but instead, he held eye contact for over an hour.
It could mean he didn’t find her attractive.
Or, it could mean he was actually listening to her talk, and that, meant so much more than an expensive car or flashy jewelry.
Her chest still felt warm and fuzzy as she stepped into her apartment and closed the door behind her.
On some days she welcomed the silence, and other days she hated it. It always felt so lonely at the latest hour of the night, when the moon was high in the sky, when daylight was right around the corner.
When the stars were so bright that they illuminated all the shadows she worked so hard to hide from.
It’d taken some time to get used to sleeping alone, but Lynn had always been particular about who she shared her bed with. She may not have made the best decisions in that department, but she’d always kept the promise of being faithful, which she supposed didn’t count for much anymore.
There were only a few family photos sitting around, now. She used to have a plethora of wedding photos that made her smile always, but now, they were burned to bits at the bottom of her trash can, right where they belonged. It had taken a little while for her to find anything and everything that had to do with Jake in her belongings after he moved, but she’d done it.
Gone and burned it all to hell, just like she should.
Being bitter was one thing, and Lynn wanted to be bitter about it…but, she couldn’t. Truth was, as much as it had surprised and hurt her, she didn’t love Jake either. Maybe, if she were being honest with herself, she never really had.
True love was a concept that frightened and intrigued Lynn for most of her life, and she believed that if she had to question it in any way, she’d probably never been in real love before.
If it were real, wouldn’t she still be in agony?
What if Aiden never calls?
The ball of anxiety was back in her belly as she began to replay their entire encounter in her head like a move reel.
“I was too fucking honest. I shouldn’t have said anything,” Lynn groaned as she fell back against the cushions of her couch.
She got no response as she settled against her favorite fluffy blanket and turned on the TV. She checked her phone for what felt like the millionth time as she relaxed, feeling irritable about the fact that she had no idea what she was doing in the dating world.
‘Dating,’ wasn’t really something she did often, and when she did do it, it wasn’t for any long period of time. Besides a brief fling with someone she was entirely incompatible with, she’d spent most of her time with her family and friends trying to heal.
She wrote her books in her spare time, too, but even that had slowed while she took a much- needed break. It was hard to adjust to a completely different life while the person she’d shared it with moved on like she hadn’t ever existed, like she hadn’t ever tried to love him into a better man.
Does it even matter, she thought, as she recalled the way her entire body lit up when Aiden had stepped into the sunlight only an hour ago. It was hard to argue with something so damn concrete when it seemed like everything else in her life was as hard to hold onto as a handful of water.
Her phone dinged behind her, a familiar tone that she couldn’t quite get used to, yet.
Jessica: I’m coming over later, bringing wine! I wanna hear all about what happened today.
Lynn: Okay! Sounds good, see you later!
With a heavy sigh and rustle of her blanket, Lynn sprawled out on her couch and closed her eyes, hoping that with a little rest and a little time, she’d be able to make sense of the chaos in her brain and in her heart.
∞∞∞
“I just don’t find you attractive.”
“I’m unhappy with you.”
“I don’t feel any connection between us.”
Lynn listened to the twang of the folk music playing in the background as she swirled the wine in her glass around and around. Jake’s words were echoing around inside her head as she remembered the way they’d rolled off of his tongue so easily.
So clean.
The candlelight calmed her just a little, but she couldn’t deny the fact that her heart was aching slightly as Jessica watched her in the darkness.
“It’s going to be okay, ya know. It’s okay to question yourself, but you don’t need to. There’s no point in it.”
Lynn smiled sadly as she looked up at her, her emotions written clearly all over her face.
“I know that, but I can’t separate the past and the future right now. I’m just a little scared, ya know? It’s like I’m ready to move on, but what happens if I do, and the same thing happens all over again?”
Jessica took a sip of her own wine before she slowly nodded.
“After my divorce I didn’t know up from down. I was all twisted around, because my husband was also my best friend. It’s not easy to lose that connection, and I get it. But, I need you to walk into this with your eyes open. Things are going to change, Lynn.”
Lynn tucked a strand of dark hair behind her ear as she contemplated that.
“How do you know?”
Jessica rolled her eyes and laughed softly.
“Why don’t you tell me what happened today? Let’s start with that.”
Lynn sucked in a deep breath, replayed the entire afternoon over again in her head.
“He was…it was…look, I’ll never admit this out loud if anyone ever asks me this, okay? I will deny it until the day I die.”
Jessica laughed and waited for Lynn to continue, her glass poised at the corner of her mouth.
“When I stepped out of my car, I was ready to bolt. I had this weird feeling in my gut, I can’t even explain it. It was so final and exciting and absolutely fucking terrifying all at the same time, Jess. How the hell could I ever explain that to anyone else?”
Jessica sighed dreamily as she smiled wistfully.
“I felt the same when I met Elliot. It all fell into place. He apologized to me on behalf of all men too, ya know. And, look where him and I are now. He’s the love of my life and I couldn’t imagine a day without him in it.”
Lynn choked on her wine.
“Um, we just met, it’s a little soon to assume that, don’t you think?”
Jessica squealed as she leaned over to grip Lynn’s thigh.
“No! You’re gonna get married and have babies and be my sister!”
Lynn laughed and shook her head, her hair falling into her eyes as she considered that.
“That would be pretty amazing, right? Just because you’ve been chattering in my ear about him for months. But, honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be ready for a commitment like that.”
“Don’t let Jake ruin it for you, babe. He isn’t worth it. Tell me more about this terrifying feeling,” Jessica prodded.
Lynn sighed, unsure of how to explain it.
“Like, time slowed down. Like everything around us stilled, and then, boom! There he was. And…,” She trailed off, unsure if she should say the rest out loud.
Jessica sipped on her wine and blinked in her direction, waiting patiently for her to continue.
“Andddd?”
“And, it felt like I was home,” Lynn said with a small shrug.
Jessica squealed and wrapped an arm around her shoulders as Lynn started to laugh with her.
“This is fucking crazy, Jess. There’s no way this will work. There’s no way anything could ever be that easy.”
“Now, now, don’t be hasty with that line of thought, babe. His life isn’t perfect and neither is yours, but if something is easy for you for once, why question it?”
“Because, I don’t know how much I have left to give anymore. You know that feeling. That bottom of the barrel, sticky-side- of- used -wallpaper, emptier than the Grand Canyon feeling. It doesn’t just go away, and honestly, I don’t know if I could go through that again. I’m finally in a better place. Not amazing, not terrible, but better. What the hell could I even offer someone?”
Jessica set her glass down as she blinked her crystalline blue eyes in Lynn’s direction.
“You are amazing, Lynn. Gorgeous, smart, talented, and hilarious. You have too much to offer someone like Jake. But, Aiden? He needs someone like you in his life. Just trust me on this, okay? It sounds insane, putting all of your eggs in one basket for one guy, but I know this is right.”
“It may not work out.”
“No, it may not, but you’ve already done the hardest part. You broke the ice. You met him.”
“There are plenty of guys out there, Jess.”
Jessica nodded and hugged Lynn close.
“Right, but there’s only one Aiden,” She whispered.