CHAPTER SEVEN

HAMPSHIRE was very lovely this time of year, very hot too. James spent a lot of time working out in the garden now that they were back. For Holly it had been a very long week, when she had done so much soul-searching she felt ill from lack of sleep. Alex had called her a wanton, among other things, and surely her behaviour with Zack only confirmed that. And yet she missed him as she had never missed Alex, missed his company more than she had thought possible, and wondered what he had been doing since they had parted so abruptly last weekend.

She had told him she didn’t want to see him again, and after what had happened she knew she wouldn’t. Zack had as much pride as the next man!

But she was finding it difficult to settle down again in Hampshire; she was restless and impatient, daily swims in the pool adjoining the house not helping to ease her tension at all. In fact, she couldn’t ever remember feeling this restless before.

By the end of the week she knew she was ready for a change, that the quiet tranquillity here that had once so appealed to her now no longer satisfied her. Besides, this was Zack’s brother’s home, and the fact that she was living here could now stop him visiting James.

James greeted the news of her wanting to leave with frowning displeasure. ‘I thought you were happy here?’

‘I was—I am,’ she amended quickly. ‘I just—I need a change.’

‘Perhaps a few weeks off,’ he suggested. ‘We’ve been working hard the last few months, perhaps you just need a holiday.’

‘No. I need a complete change,’ she said adamantly.

He sighed his impatience. ‘It’s Zack, isn’t it? He’s hurt you after all.’

‘No—’

‘He has,’ James insisted softly. ‘I knew he would, but I’d hoped that with you—But this doesn’t mean you have to leave here,’ he said sharply. ‘Zack comes here very rarely now, and you could always take a few days off when he’s coming to visit if it would make you feel more comfortable.’

Holly shook her head. ‘It wouldn’t work, James. And my wanting to leave has nothing to do with Zack. Maybe it was the weekend in London that did it,’ she invented lightly. ‘But I’ve found that I miss those famous “bright lights”.’

‘But you told me you hadn’t lived in London for years,’ he frowned.

‘I’ve lived in other towns, though,’ she shrugged.

He drew in a ragged breath. ‘I suppose, if you would be happier there, we could all move to London.’

Her eyes widened. Before, James had always rejected any suggestion that they go to London, in fact only last weekend he had claimed it had an unsettling effect on him. At the time she hadn’t questioned the meaning of that statement, but now she did. She had taken it to mean that he couldn’t work there, but it could also have meant that it reminded him too much of the life he used to lead, before the accident.

‘You once told me you could never go back there to live,’ she said.

His hand moved to clasp hers as she sat in the chair beside him. ‘I could stand the move if it would make you happy.’

‘Me? But—’

‘You must know how fond I am of you, Holly. I tried to tell you that weekend Zack came to stay, and then I got sidetracked by your interest in each other. But if it’s all over between the two of you …?’

‘It is. But—’

‘We could have a good life together, Holly,’ he persisted. ‘I know a husband in a wheelchair may not—’

‘Husband?’ she repeated incredulously, sure she must have misheard him.

‘I want to marry you,’ he told her quietly.

She shook her head. ‘But you’re already married,’ she gasped. ‘To Maxine.’

‘We can be divorced—’

‘Have you spoken to her about that?’ Holly frowned.

‘I don’t need to,’ he said grimly. ‘It’s pretty obvious that she’s no longer happy here with me, that she and Zack have been seeing each other in London for years.’

‘That isn’t true,’ she defended heatedly. ‘Not in the way you mean, anyway.’

James eyes narrowed. ‘And what do you know about it?’

‘Zack told me—’

‘Zack!’ he echoed derisively. ‘Of course he would deny it—you were hardly likely to go out with him if you thought he was having an affair with Maxine.’

‘And what reason would she have for allowing him to see me if they are having an affair?’

His mouth was tight. ‘She’s always been very gullible where Zack is concerned, she’ll forgive him anything.’

‘How can you talk about them like this?’ Holly frowned. ‘And last weekend you told me you approved of my seeing your brother!’

‘What else could I say?’ James shrugged. ‘I didn’t want to alienate you from me. Besides, warning you off him didn’t seem to be working.’

She gave an impatient sigh. ‘Neither did encouraging me to see him.’

‘It didn’t?’ He quirked blond brows. ‘But it’s all over between you now,’ he pointed out.

‘And it was my decision,’ she nodded.

‘Yours?’ He looked startled. ‘But I thought—’

‘Yes?’

‘Zack has a reputation for brief affairs,’ he flushed at her obvious anger.

‘And you thought I was going to be another of them.’ Her mouth twisted derisively. ‘I’m sorry to disappoint you, James.’

‘I’m not disappointed. You could never disappoint me, Holly.’ His hand tightened on hers. ‘Let’s forget about Zack and concentrate on us. As I was saying, I realise a husband in a wheelchair isn’t what you probably had in mind for your future, but just because I can’t walk it doesn’t mean I’m incapable of making love to you.’

‘Then why haven’t you made love to Maxine since your accident?’

His face darkened angrily. ‘Who told you that?’ His mouth firmed. ‘Zack, of course.’ He removed his hand from hers. ‘What else has he told you about me?’ He turned away.

‘That there’s no reason why you shouldn’t be walking.’

‘Oh no?’ he said bitterly. ‘Then why am I still in this damned wheelchair?’

Holly shrugged. ‘I was hoping you might be able to explain that.’

He swung his chair away from her to stare out of the window, the weather was cloudy and the bay was not visible to him today. ‘I can’t walk,’ he told her flatly.

‘Have you tried?’

‘I can’t even stand up!’

‘Oh, James!’ She went to sit at his feet, her hands over his clenched ones. ‘You can’t expect to be able to just get up and walk—you need help for that, professional help.’

‘A psychiatrist?’

‘Don’t be silly,’ she shook her head frowningly. ‘I was thinking more of a physiotherapist.’

‘But if it’s all in my head, as they say it is—’

‘That doesn’t mean you’re insane,’ she chided gently. ‘Your brain just rejects the idea of walking because you’re sure you can’t do it.’

‘I’m afraid there’s more to it than that,’ he sighed, not looking at her.

‘Tell me,’ Holly encouraged.

James gave a self-derisive smile. ‘You’re going to think me very stupid after I just asked you to marry me.’

‘Fondness isn’t love, so I’ll forget you ever mentioned it,’ she promised instantly.

His expression was mocking. ‘I wish you didn’t sound so eager when you said that.’

‘James …!’ She squeezed his hand encouragingly.

‘It’s all right,’ he shrugged dismissively, one hand moving to massage his brow. ‘I don’t think I know what I’m doing any more. Will you forgive me for embarrassing you just now? I don’t know why I would think you were even interested in marrying someone like me when—’

‘If it weren’t for Maxine perhaps I might have been,’ she consoled. ‘But she’s the person you really love.’

‘I did—’

‘You still do,’ Holly insisted, knowing it to be the truth.

‘Maybe, but I hate her a little too. You asked why I haven’t made love to her, the answer is simple—I’m afraid to try. Can you imagine the indignity of it all?’ he groaned.

‘I’m sure she would never have found it that way.’

‘Wouldn’t she? After the accident, when they told me I would be in a wheelchair, I begged her to divorce me. She wouldn’t hear of it, and after a while, when the worst of the shock had worn off, I was glad she wouldn’t. But I’ve come to realise it was only pity that made her stay—’

‘I’m sure you’re wrong about that,’ Holly cut in frowningly.

‘No,’ he shook his head. ‘How could she still love me, a cripple, half a man? She had to have stayed because she felt sorry for me. When I realised that I began to build my life without her, I had my new career, Robert to take care of all my needs, I no longer needed a wife. And yet still she stayed, her sense of loyalty making her do so. And then I realised I still loved her, despite her frequent trips to London, and I began to fear that she might leave me after all, that I’d driven her away. So I accepted the trips to London, even though it soon became obvious it was Zack she was seeing there,’ he added bitterly.

‘But only as a friend,’ Holly insisted. ‘Please believe that.’

‘It’s difficult—’

‘So has Maxine’s life been the last two years.’ She looked pleadingly into his eyes, willing him to understand how his wife must have felt all this time. ‘She was as shocked as you were by the accident, and yet you immediately rejected her. The fact that you later accepted she was staying can’t have healed the wound that must have caused, especially as you shut her out physically too. You no longer needed her, in any way, made her feel superfluous. She must love you very much to have put up with your treatment of her.’ Strangely, Holly now realised this to be true, understood all that Zack had been trying to explain to her, even understood why in the end Maxine had tried to turn to him for the affection her husband denied her.

‘I don’t know how she feels any more, she never talks to me about it,’ James said dully. ‘I want to walk again, Holly, but if I did Maxine would no longer have a reason to stay.’ He looked at her with tortured eyes.

‘You’re wrong,’ she choked at the misunderstandings that were driving these two people apart. ‘She wants to stay, to show you how much she loves you, but she’s frightened of your rejection again. She’s a very strong-willed person, James, she could help you enormously if you’d only let her.’

‘It may be too late for that.’

‘It isn’t,’ Holly said with certainty. ‘And I wouldn’t have made you a very good wife at all,’ she teased him. ‘I would have let you continue just as you are.’

‘I know.’

She sat up on her knees. ‘And it isn’t what you need or really want, James,’ she told him gently. ‘I think it’s high time you and Maxine sorted out your differences.’

He shook his head. ‘I have no idea how to go about it. She’s grown hard the last few months, brittle, as if she no longer cares about anything, least of all me.’

‘She cares,’ Holly assured him. ‘Although after the way you’ve treated her lately she might need a little convincing of that!’

‘Will you still be leaving?’ He gave her a concerned look. ‘I can assure you, even if Maxine and I don’t sort out our problems, that I’ll never embarrass you by mentioning marriage between us again.’

She smiled. ‘I might want you to if I stayed,’ she teased gently.

‘You’re a very kind person, Holly,’ he touched her cheeks gently. ‘I’m sorry things haven’t worked out for you here.’

‘So am I.’ Her expression was shadowed now. ‘But I really do have to leave, straight away if possible?’

He nodded. ‘I’ll miss you,’ he sighed.

‘I’ll miss you too.’ She moved up to kiss him warmly on the cheek, gasping a little as he turned sideways and captured her mouth with his. But it was only a pleasant kiss of one friend to another, no passion involved on either side.

‘What on earth is going on here?’ gasped a furiously incredulous voice.

The two of them sprang guiltily apart, although in reality they had nothing to feel guilty about. But the accusation in Maxine’s face was enough to make Holly’s blood run cold, and James looked as stricken. So much for him wanting to divorce Maxine and marry her—the poor man was as confused about what he wanted as his wife was!

Holly stood up, smoothing the skirt of her navy blue dress. ‘This isn’t as it looks—’

‘No?’ Maxine looked at her with angry eyes. ‘Not content with flirting with Zack, you now have to try your seemingly recently discovered feminine wiles on my husband too!’

‘I didn’t flirt with Zack—’

‘Or James?’ Maxine snapped.

‘Maxine—’

‘I wish I could say it’s nice to know you’re interested in women again, James,’ Maxine spat the words at him.

‘But you had no right!’ Tears glistened in her eyes. ‘I can hardly believe this.’ She began to crumble before their eyes, her face a picture of misery and pain. ‘I’m going to London for a while, James,’ she told him shakily. ‘And I’m not sure if I’ll be back. You know where to reach me if you have—have anything to say to me.’

‘Maxine—’

‘Excuse me,’ once again she interrupted him, turning on her heel and hurrying from the room.

‘Oh God!’ James buried his face in his hands.

‘I’ll talk to her—’ Holly began.

‘I doubt if she’ll listen,’ he shook his head. ‘Not after this.’

‘I’ll make her listen,’ Holly told him fiercely. ‘God, but you’re a stubborn, bullheaded family!’

He gave a humourless smile. ‘Including Zack?’

‘Mainly Zack,’ she snapped, hurrying after Maxine.

It wasn’t difficult to find the other woman; she was in her bedroom packing, the tears streaming down her face hindering her vision. She stiffened as Holly knocked on the open bedroom door, turning sharply to glare at her. ‘What do you want?’ she asked ungraciously.

‘To explain—’

‘What you were doing kissing my husband?’ Maxine threw more clothes haphazardly into the suitcase. ‘It was perfectly obvious what you were doing.’

‘I doubt it,’ Holly sighed.

‘Oh, but it was,’ Maxine rasped. ‘How long has this been going on between the two of you?’

‘It hasn’t—’

‘You mean this was the first time you’ve kissed each other?’ she scorned. ‘I admit that was what I thought at the time, but I must have been being incredibly naïve.

God, the two of you spent so much time alone together, and I never suspected a thing!’

‘There was nothing to suspect—’

‘Don’t lie, Holly,’ Maxine bit out between clenched teeth. ‘I saw the two of you with my own eyes. I don’t think I would ever have believed it if I hadn’t!’ she said self-derisively. ‘For two long years he’s been a physical non-participant in our marriage, and within months of your coming here all that’s changed. But it’s no longer me he desires!’

‘He certainly doesn’t desire me,’ Holly sighed. ‘What you saw was an emotionally charged kiss—’

‘I could see that!’

‘—due to the fact that I’d just told James I’m leaving, immediately,’ she finished pointedly.

Maxine gave her a startled look. ‘You’re what?’

‘I’m leaving,’ she repeated. ‘As soon as I can.’

‘But I—Why?’ all the anger seemed to have gone out of the other woman now.

‘I think you can guess why.’

‘James—’

‘No, not James.’ Holly met Maxine’s gaze steadily, willing her to understand.

‘Zack …’ she breathed softly.

‘Partly,’ Holly nodded. ‘Although that isn’t really important right now; what matters is that you should go and talk to James.’

Maxine sat down heavily on the bed. ‘I don’t know what to say to him.’

‘I think it’s more a question of what he wants to say to you,’ Holly explained gently.

The other woman gave her a startled look. ‘Say to me?’ she repeated dazedly. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Go and talk to him,’ she encouraged. ‘He’s waiting for you in the study.’

‘He is?’

‘Yes,’ nodded Holly.

Maxine stood up, moving to the adjoining bathroom to check her appearance. ‘God, I look a mess!’ she groaned, scrubbing the streaked make-up from her face.

‘I don’t think James will notice,’ Holly assured her softly.

The other woman looked younger and much more vulnerable without the perfect make-up she habitually wore. ‘He’s always liked to see me looking my best—’

‘You never look anything else to him,’ Holly told her. ‘Now go and talk to him, stop the worrying he’s going through at the moment.’

Maxine hesitated at the door. ‘He isn’t going to ask me to leave?’ she asked tremulously.

‘Far from it,’ Holly smiled. ‘He’s been a little confused, I think you both have the last few months.’ She watched the other woman blush as she knew Holly spoke of her imagined feelings for Zack. ‘But he’s realised now that it’s you he really loves. I believe you love him too?’

‘Yes …’

‘Then what are you waiting for?’ Holly chided teasingly.

‘Holly, about the things I said earlier—’

‘Forgotten.’

‘And the way I’ve been so mean to you about Zack—’

‘That’s forgotten too,’ Holly told her briskly.

Still Maxine stood at the door. ‘I’ve misjudged you, Holly,’ she said slowly. ‘I think, if we’d given ourselves the chance, that we might even have been friends in time.’

‘Probably,’ she agreed.

One thing Holly had learnt in the last few minutes—she didn’t respond to every man who kissed her. James’s mouth on hers hadn’t been unpleasant, but it certainly hadn’t induced any passion either. So what did that make of the accusation Alex had once thrown at her about how she had the sort of fiery sensuality that any man could enjoy? Did that mean she had responded to Zack as just another man or as one she really cared about? She didn’t have time to puzzle her answer as Maxine’s ear-splitting scream filled the house.

Holly ran down the stairs so fast she almost fell in her haste, understanding the reason for Maxine’s near-hysteria as soon as she reached the study. James lay unconscious on the floor!

Maxine was on her knees beside him, her face paper-white. ‘What shall I do? What shall I do?’ She turned to Holly in a panic.

‘Call a doctor,’ Holly instructed briskly. ‘I’ll get Robert to carry him upstairs.’

‘Are you sure we should move him?’

James looked so still she didn’t know what to think. ‘I’m not sure of anything, but we can’t just leave him lying there.’

‘I suppose not,’ Maxine agreed reluctantly.

‘The doctor,’ Holly prompted again as the other woman seemed almost paralysed herself.

‘Oh—oh yes.’ She stood up, still looking anxiously at James. ‘I don’t understand how it happened,’ she muttered almost to herself.

‘Neither do I,’ Holly told her gently. ‘But one thing I do know, James was sitting in his chair near the window when I left him.’

Both women looked at the chair that still stood in front of the window, James now lying several feet away from it in the middle of the room.

Maxine looked at her with excitement in her eyes. ‘You don’t think—’

‘We mustn’t jump to conclusions, Maxine,’ warned Holly, although she had to admit to feeling a certain amount of excitement herself. If James had attempted to walk then he might have made those first tentative steps that would be the beginning of his complete recovery. ‘Ah, Robert,’ she turned to him as he appeared in the doorway, also summoned by Maxine’s scream. ‘Could you get Mr Benedict up to his room, please. Maxine, the doctor,’ she prompted again, more firmly this time.

James had recovered consciousness by the time the doctor arrived, although he would say little. The two women sat in the lounge as the doctor made his examination.

‘I hardly dare hope.’ Maxine sipped at the reviving tea Holly had ordered for them both.

‘Then don’t,’ Holly advised gently. ‘We could be wrong.’

The blue eyes glowed. ‘But what if we’re right, what if he did try and walk?’

‘Don’t you think we should wait for the doctor’s verdict before you start making plans?’

‘I suppose so,’ she acknowedged reluctantly, although the air of excitement remained with her.

Holly hardly dared hope herself, although it looked promising. Surely there was no other way James could have got across the room other than walking there? If he had it would be wonderful.

The doctor spoke to Maxine alone once he came downstairs, Holly excusing herself and going to the office, knowing that whatever he had to say should be said privately to Maxine. But that didn’t stop her feeling impatient herself, longing to know his findings.

‘He’s cautiously optimistic.’ Maxine sought her out. ‘Whatever that means,’ she frowned.

‘It means that James did walk?’

‘It means he tried.’ Maxine shook her head, some of the excitement gone now. ‘The doctor seemed to think that’s as good.’

‘It is,’ Holly agreed with enthusiasm.

Maxine still looked despondent. ‘You don’t know James. He can be very stubborn when he wants to, and if he decides this won’t go any further then it won’t.’

‘What does he have to say about it?’

‘Well, apparently he’s agreed to having a physiotherapist in residence—’

‘Apparently?’ Holly echoed. ‘Haven’t you spoken to him yourself yet?’

‘I thought I should tell you what was happening first—’

‘I’m flattered at your thoughtfulness, Maxine, but I think you should go and see James. Right now.’

‘Holly …?’

‘Hm?’

‘You won’t leave just yet, will you?’ Maxine requested. ‘I mean, James isn’t going to be working for a few days, so it would be an ideal time for you to leave, I realise that. But I would appreciate it if you didn’t.’

‘I’ll stay a few more days,’ Holly nodded. ‘At least until I’m sure James is going to be all right.’

She never knew what passed between husband and wife, but she did know that Maxine looked happier than she had ever seen her before, and that James was filled with a new confidence in himself, a determination to walk again, spending hours with the physiotherapist who had been engaged immediately.

‘You’ll want to call Zack and tell him the good news,’

Holly realised a few days later, knowing that her presence here was no longer needed, that Maxine and James had found a new closeness to bind them together, James making slow but sure progress along the road to full mobility.

Maxine looked uncomfortable now. ‘Actually I spoke to him last night.’

‘Oh?’ Holly instantly stiffened.

‘He’s coming down here today.’

Holly’s cheeks paled. ‘What time?’

‘Some time this afternoon. Holly—’

‘Then would you mind if I left at lunchtime?’ she requested abruptly. ‘James did agree that I could go, and I have stayed on three extra days.’

‘You can leave any time you like, you know we wouldn’t force you to stay. It’s just—’

‘Then I’ll leave at lunchtime,’ Holly decided firmly.

‘But where will you go at such short notice? Holly, you don’t have to rush off like this. God, I wish I’d never told you Zack was coming here,’ groaned Maxine. ‘But I felt I owed it to you.’

‘I’m glad you did. I can assure you that Zack won’t want to see me any more than I want to see him.’

‘He asked about you last night,’ Maxine said gently. ‘And I think you’re wrong about him wanting to see you.’

‘Nevertheless, I’d like to leave. I’ve already been in touch with an agency in London who have promised me some work. I can assure you I’ll be all right.’ She and the other woman had indeed become good friends the last few days, both of them determined to help James in any way they could.

‘But where will you live?’

Holly’s mouth twisted. ‘There’s always accommodation to be found in London.’

‘You don’t have to leave, Holly, I’m sure Zack doesn’t intend to embarass you in any way.’

It was his politeness she wouldn’t be able to stand, a cold politeness that would make them into strangers. And she had learnt in the last two weeks that she wanted Zack to be so much more to her than that. If only there weren’t the unhappiness of the past that he demanded an explanation of, she might stay and take what time with him that she could.

‘I’d rather go,’ she said stiltedly. ‘James isn’t going to be needing a secretary for some time, and the two of you can manage quite well without me.’

‘I’ve enjoyed your company the last few days,’ protested Maxine.

‘And I’ve enjoyed yours,’ Holly acknowledged softly. ‘But I’d still like to leave before Zack arrives.’

‘If that’s what you want,’ Maxine had to reluctantly agree. ‘But where will we be able to contact you?’

‘I’ll call you as soon as I’m settled,’ Holly promised.

‘But Zack may want to know where you are,’ Maxine persisted.

‘I doubt it,’ she drawled, remembering his disgust with her the last time they met. ‘I doubt it very much.’

‘But it he does—’

‘I’d rather he didn’t know,’ Holly answered truthfully. ‘We’ve said all we have to say to each other.’

Even James’s arguments for her to at least give them an address where she could be reached didn’t change her mind. She had learnt from experience, and necessity, that a clean break was the best.