CHAPTER NINE

THE astounded silence that followed her impassioned outburst was deafening in its stillness, only the sound of Holly’s ragged breathing as she fought back the tears showing the deep state of her agitation.

‘Your—stepbrother—raped—you? Zack finally said disbelievingly, his expression grim.

‘Yes,’ she choked, turning away. ‘Oh, it was my own fault—’

‘No man can be excused for forcing a woman into sexual submission,’ he rasped.

‘You don’t understand, Zack—’

‘I don’t need to,’ he shook his head. ‘Any man who resorts to force is not a man at all!’

Holly moistened her lips. ‘But I encouraged him, wanted him to kiss and touch me, until I realised he intended making love to me.’

‘How old was he?’

She looked startled. ‘I don’t see—’

‘How old?’ Zack repeated harshly.

‘Twenty-four—’

‘Then he should have been able to control himself once he could see you weren’t willing,’ he ground out. ‘At twenty-four he was a man, you were still a child—a curious child.’

‘With a woman’s body and curiosity,’ she said dully. ‘He was away at college when my mother first married his father, and as I was away at school too, we didn’t see much of each other, just part of the holidays really if he should come home, which he didn’t always do. He always seemed so dark and handsome to me, I suppose I was infatuated with him.’

‘Go on,’ Zack encouraged softly.

She swallowed hard. ‘I think he knew how attractive I’d always found him—’

‘I’m sure he did!’

Holly blushed. ‘Thinking back, I must have been pretty obvious.’

‘At that age most girls are,’ Zack excused.

‘Maybe,’ she acknowledged softly. ‘I was looking forward to the summer Alex left college; he’d promised he would spend the whole of the summer at home with us. I was never very close to Bobbie, but Alex always seemed to like having me around.’

‘I’m sure he did,’ Zack ground out. ‘It fed his damned ego.’

‘Probably,’ she sighed, looking down at her hands. ‘He took me almost everywhere with him those summer weeks, introduced me to several of his friends, even seemed jealous when a couple of them showed an interest in me.’

‘He didn’t want to lose his loving little slave to anyone else,’ rasped Zack.

Holly flushed. ‘Perhaps not,’ she agreed softly. ‘It must have been obvious to him that I worshipped him.’

‘I’m sure it was,’ he nodded grimly, as if the idea greatly displeased him.

‘Then one night we went to a party together. Alex had been drinking rather a lot, but then so had most of the others,’ she couldn’t control the shudder that went through her at the memory of that night. ‘He seemed all right as we drove home, not drunk or anything, so I began to relax a little. Then when we got into the house he began to kiss me. I didn’t mind, he’d often kissed me in in the past, and our parents and Bobbie were upstairs, so I knew he wouldn’t go too far.’ She choked back a sob. ‘At first he just kissed me, and then he began to—to touch me. I—I wanted to say no, but I was frightened of angering him, of him thinking me a baby. And after a while it didn’t feel so bad anyway, in fact it was quite pleasant,’ she admitted with guilt.

‘That sort of sexual curiosity is just part of growing up,’ Zack told her softly.

‘What do you mean, “that” sort?’ she frowned.

‘We’ll talk in a minute, darling,’ he assured her. ‘Just tell me the rest of what happened.’

Holly gave a ragged sigh. ‘When I realised he wasn’t going to stop at kissing and caressing me I began to panic, pleaded with him to stop, fought him when he wouldn’t. I scratched his cheek so badly the blood streamed down his face,’ she recalled with a shudder.

‘He deserved worse!’ rasped Zack.

‘I’m not sure any of us ever get what we deserve,’ she said dully. ‘He didn’t seem like my beloved Alex as he ripped my clothes off, he was suddenly a stranger to me, a stranger with glitteringly intent eyes. I wanted to die as he took me, wished I could die at that moment.’

‘The bastard!’ Zack bit out harshly.

She shook her head. ‘It was my own fault,’ she told him again. ‘He’d kissed me before, but he’d always stopped at kisses in the past. If I’d had any sense I would have tried to tease him out of that mood, would have stopped him somehow. But I couldn’t even scream,’ she breathed heavily, reliving the nightmare. ‘He had his hand over my mouth!’

Zack’s hands clenched and unclenched at his sides as he fought for control. ‘And afterwards?’

‘He pleaded with me not to tell anyone—’

‘Meaning your parents,’ Zack derided harshly.

‘Yes,’ she confirmed shakily. ‘I promised I wouldn’t.

I just wanted to get away from him, to be alone. Most of my clothes were unwearable, but I pulled on my blouse even though the buttons were all ripped off. I couldn’t bear to have him looking at my nakedness a moment longer! I suddenly hated him as I’d never hated anyone before, found myself looking at someone I didn’t even know. But before I could escape to my room the lounge door opened and my stepfather stood there.’ She could still remember the shame she had felt as Giles’ narrow-eyed gaze took in the scene before him.

‘And completely misunderstood the situation, I’m sure,’ Zack prompted as she fell silent.

‘I don’t know what he thought,’ she shrugged. ‘Before he could say anything Alex began to talk, and everything he said was lies,’ she remembered dazedly. ‘He said I was always encouraging him, asking him to make love to me, that I was a wanton, that he finally couldn’t hold out against me any longer.’ Her voice shook as she recalled Alex’s further betrayal. ‘He—he said he wasn’t the first either,’ she added chokingly, her eyes closed to shut out the pain.

‘Did your stepfather believe him?’

‘What else could he do?’ She shook her head. ‘But it wasn’t true, any of it. If you knew the pain I suffered when Alex took me—’

‘I know, Holly,’ Zack soothed. ‘It’s all right, darling.’

‘All right?’ Her eyes blazed as she looked up at him. ‘Alex told everyone I was no better than a whore and you say it’s all right! I was so hurt I couldn’t even defend myself, and by the time my mother came down to see what was keeping my stepfather it had been decided it was all my fault.’

‘What did your mother say?’

Holly shrugged. ‘She was stunned.’

‘What else?’

She trembled slightly. ‘She believed them. She didn’t even ask me what had happened, she just believed them.’ Her voice broke emotionally.

‘But you said they divorced because of you?’

‘They did,’ she nodded. ‘When I finally came out of my shock I told them what had really happened. I’m sure my mother didn’t really believe me, but I was her daughter, and she felt compelled to take my side. My stepfather refused to believe me, and in the end it drove them apart. I wasn’t around to know all the details, I was back at school by then.’

‘Learning self-defence,’ Zack realised lightly.

Her mouth tightened. ‘I wasn’t going to let any man force himself on me again!’

‘And I didn’t,’ he reminded her gently.

‘Meeting you, my reaction to you, finally confirmed that all Alex had accused me of was true. I must have encouraged him to think I’d let him make love to me without realising it, because I know that I took one look at you and I wanted you.’

‘That doesn’t mean you’re a wanton—’

‘It does!’

‘No,’ Zack contradicted softly. ‘I took one look at you and wanted you too.’

‘It’s different for a man.’

‘No, it isn’t. We might be a bit more verbal about our wants and desires, but that doesn’t mean a woman doesn’t feel them too. Holly, the curiosity you had then to know what it felt like if a man touched you is a natural part of growing up. I used to have the most erotic fantasies about my English teacher when I was at school! I would probably have run a mile if she’d so much as touched me. You just chose the wrong man to have adolescent fantasies about,’ she comforted her gently. ‘What we had together was something totally different.’

‘How?’ Holly asked dully.

‘For one thing we’re both adults. For another, I believe we love each other.’ He looked at her challengingly.

‘I told you, I don’t—’

‘Holly,’ he interrupted softly. ‘We love each other,’ he repeated determinedly.

She gazed at his ruggedly handsome face and knew that she did love him, that she had for some time. But there was no future for them together. ‘I’m not a lovable person,’ she told him flatly. ‘Even my own mother disowned me.’

‘Tell me,’ he encouraged.

She had told him so much, why not the rest? ‘She sent me back to school as soon as I was over the worst of the shock. I haven’t seen her since.’

‘Not for five years?’ Zack was astounded.

Holly nodded. ‘Oh, she wrote a little, at first, stilted letters that told me she and Giles were divorcing. After a time even those letters stopped coming. That last year of school wasn’t a pleasant one for me; Bobbie didn’t know the full story, only that our parents were divorcing and that it had something to do with me, and she showed her resentment in a hundred different ways. I was glad when the time came for me to leave. I already had a job, so I went straight to it.’

‘Your mother didn’t come to see you even when you left school?’

‘She was coming to see Bobbie,’ she told him without emotion. ‘The two of them had remained close in spite of the divorce, and Bobbie took great delight in telling me my mother was coming to take her home from school. I didn’t see her, as I hadn’t seen her during any of the holidays, always spending them with friends or staying on at the school.’

‘I can’t believe any mother would be so inhuman,’ Zack frowned.

‘I caused the break-up of her marriage, Zack,’ Holly reminded him mockingly.

‘You were still her daughter!’

‘A daughter who’d supposedly enticed her stepbrother to make love to her and then cried rape.’

‘You were raped!’

‘My mother couldn’t be sure of that.’

‘Whether she was sure or not she should have stood by you,’ he scowled.

‘Would you have done?’ asked Holly.

‘I would have stood by my child no matter what she’d done.’

Holly knew that he would too, that once his love was given it was for life. And he didn’t seem to hate her for what she’d done either. ‘That’s what Giles did, he stood by his son.’

‘At the cost of his marriage. He couldn’t have truly loved your mother.’

‘Oh, I’m sure he did.’

‘Then they would have worked something out and stayed together. Their divorce served no purpose, because you haven’t seen any of them since then anyway.’

Holly shook her head. ‘You’re confusing me again, Zack.’

‘I want to do so much more than that.’ At last Zack took her in his arms, holding her firmly against his strong chest. ‘I want to take care of you for the rest of your life, I want to make sure that nothing and no one every hurts you again. I love you, Holly.’

‘I love you too!’ she choked, having difficulty saying the words that had been locked up inside her for ever, it seemed. ‘I do love you, Zack,’ her eyes swam with tears. ‘But what if I’m everything Alex said I was, what if I am a wanton and a whore?’

‘How many men have you wanted in your life, Holly?’ he asked patiently.

‘Alex, and—’

‘Did you really want him?’

‘No …’

‘Then he doesn’t count. So how many other men have you wanted?’ He arched darkly blond brows.

She looked up at him with wide eyes. ‘You. Just you.’

He smiled triumphantly. ‘That’s what I thought.’

‘But that doesn’t prove anything,’ Holly pointed out earnestly. ‘I’ve never allowed any other men near me.’

‘How about James?’

She opened her mouth to speak and then closed it again, remembering the one occasion James had kissed her, and she had felt nothing for him but warm friendship. ‘Did Alex lie?’ she realised slowly.

‘Of course he lied,’ Zack said grimly. ‘He would have said anything at the time to save his own skin. But you shouldn’t have listened to him, darling.’

‘I was so young, I didn’t know—’

‘You were the victim, Holly, not the perpetrator.’ He framed her face with his strong hands. ‘Now it’s time you started to enjoy your life. I hope marrying me will help you do that?’

He sounded so uncertain, so vulnerable. ‘I’d love to marry you, Zack,’ she told him eagerly now that the barriers had been removed, from her own mind as well as between them. ‘I love you so much that these last three months have been hell for me too.’

He gave a ragged sigh. ‘I thought you’d never say it,’ he admitted shakily.

‘That I love you?’

‘That too, but I really meant you would marry me. We’ll be so happy together, Holly,’ he promised in between butterfly kisses. ‘I promise you.’

She didn’t need any promises from him, knew instinctively that although he had the power to hurt her he never would. ‘It doesn’t have to be marriage, Zack. I’ll live with you—’

‘You’re going to do that too, until I can get you safely married to me, which I hope won’t take too long,’ he told her determinedly. ‘I’m not letting you out of my sight until then. You might get some more strange notions in your head and run off again.’

‘I won’t.’

‘I’m not giving you the opportunity, young lady,’ he said firmly. ‘Now, much as I would love to carry you off to bed, I think we should go and get your things and move you in here as soon as possible.’

‘Couldn’t we do that later—move me in, I mean?’

Zack’s eyes darkened. ‘We could …’

‘Then let’s do that,’ she smiled up at him shyly. ‘I shall die from the need to touch you in a moment.’

He drew in a shuddering breath. ‘Suddenly I don’t care if you never bring the rest of your clothes here, I don’t care if you never get dressed again!’

Holly gave a husky laugh as he carried her off to bed, love shining brightly in her eyes.

* * *

She woke to find a warm body curled into the back of hers, a possessive hand on her breast. Her mouth instantly curved into a smile, remembering the night that had just passed, when Zack had claimed her as his again and again, until finally they both fell into an exhausted sleep.

‘I hope that smile is for me,’ he murmured languorously against her ear.

‘It is.’ She turned sleepily in his arms. ‘I’ve never felt so loved and alive.’

A shadow darkened his eyes. ‘That’s because you never have been.’ He showed his resentment for her suffering of the last five years.

‘It doesn’t matter now, Zack.’ She smoothed the frown from his brow. ‘You’re like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.’

He grinned. ‘That’s the first time I’ve been called that—plenty of other things, but never that!’

‘You’re also wonderful, considerate, sensitive—’

‘You can add conceited to that list if you say any more,’ he told her dryly. ‘And we have something much more pleasurable we can do than talk.’

‘But I thought you liked to talk,’ teased Holly.

‘The time for that is over, woman,’ he growled. ‘It’s time for action now.’

‘After last night?’ She pretended to be shocked by his renewed desire. ‘Shouldn’t you be slowing down a little at your age?’

He rolled over to pin her beneath him. ‘I’ll let you know when I’m slowing down. Maybe in forty or fifty years’ time,’ he added wolfishly.

Holly gave a laugh of pure enjoyment, knowing she had never been so happy, giving herself up to the fiery warmth of Zack’s lovemaking. The ring of the telephone on the bedside table interrupted them before they could do any more than kiss each other.

‘Damn,’ Zack muttered as it kept ringing and ringing. ‘Whoever it is has no sense of timing. I’ll have to answer it.’ He looked down regretfully at her slender nakedness.

She touched his cheek lovingly. ‘I’ll still be here when you’ve finished your call.’

He gave her another regretful look before picking up the receiver. ‘Yes?’ he barked into the mouthpiece. ‘Oh, it’s you,’ he said in a disgruntled voice, lying on his back to pull Holly down on to his chest. ‘No, I wasn’t sleeping,’ he still spoke to his caller. ‘Mind your own damn business!’ he rasped as he was obviously asked what he had been doing. ‘There’s nothing wrong with my temper, I just think you could have chosen a better time to call me.’ His arm tightened warmly about Holly’s shoulders. ‘Yes, I did manage to find Holly,’ he said with satisfaction.

She sat up to look at him anxiously. Who had known he had been looking for her?

‘Yes, Maxine,’ he answered Holly’s unasked question, grinning as she gave a relaxed smile. ‘No, not today,’ he told the other woman decisively. ‘Maybe tomorrow. I’ll ask Holly.’ He put his hand over the mouthpiece. ‘Maxine’s invited us to lunch tomorrow, do you want to go?’

‘If you do,’ she nodded. ‘I’d love to see them again.’

‘Yes, okay, Maxine,’ he spoke to his sister-in-law once again. ‘No, you can’t speak to Holly, she’s busy.’

‘Oh, but—’

‘Yes, we’ll both see you tomorrow,’ Zack cut across Holly’s protest. ‘I’ll tell her.’ He was smiling as he replaced the receiver.

‘Tell me what?’ Holly snuggled down against him.

‘Maxine said congratulations.’

She gave him a sharp look. ‘How did she know—’

‘Darling,’ he chuckled, ‘if you could have seen the way I’ve been frantically searching for you then you wouldn’t doubt that I love you either.’

‘I don’t,’ she told him confidently. ‘Why didn’t you want to see Maxine and James today?’ She toyed with the wiry hair on his chest.

‘Because I have plans for today, and none of them include getting out of this bed!’

‘Oh.’

Zack laughed softly at her blushes. ‘I may let you out for a few minutes, just to cook us lunch.’

Her eyes widened. ‘Why can’t we do that together?’

‘I’d rather you did it.’

‘That’s sexist!’

‘That’s necessary,’ he chided. ‘Besides the fact that I can’t boil an egg, I have a feeling I may be too exhausted by then to crawl from the bed.’

Her frown instantly turned into a laugh. ‘So I am wearing you out, after all!’

‘Let’s put it this way,’ he said dryly. ‘I think the studio may have to get along without me most of the time after we’re married!’

* * *

It was quite late when they began to drive down to Hampshire the next day; despite their teasing they had once again spent most of the night making love, waking late the next morning, neither of them in a hurry to leave each other’s arms even then.

Holly turned in her seat to look at the man she loved, never having seen him so completely relaxed. ‘How are James and Maxine now?’ she asked. ‘I’ve spoken to her several times on the telephone, and she always sounds very happy …’

‘She is,’ Zack nodded.

‘You mean she’s over her infatuation for you?’ she teased.

He gave her an indulgent smile. ‘Completely. She and James have never been so close. He’s walking with sticks now, by the way.’

‘Maxine told me that last time I called,’ she nodded. ‘It’s marvellous!’

The change in the other couple was unbelievable. They touched and kissed every opportunity they got, always smiling at each other, seeming like two different people to the ones Holly had known three months ago.

‘I was beginning to feel as if we were the old married couple,’ Zack mocked on the drive back to London.

Holly smiled with him. ‘It was nice of Maxine to offer to help with the wedding arrangements, wasn’t it?’

‘As long as she gets her head out of cloud nine long enough to realise it’s going to be this Saturday, not next year!’ he said dryly.

‘Oh, she does,’ Holly nodded. ‘She’s coming up to town on Tuesday to help me look for a dress.’

He gave her a sideways glance. ‘You didn’t mind my telling them it would be this Saturday? After all, we hadn’t discussed a definite date …’

‘Saturday will be lovely,’ she assured him. ‘The sooner you’re married to me the better—I don’t want to run the risk of you falling for one of your songbirds!’

‘There’ll never be anyone else for me now, Holly,’ he took her remark seriously. ‘I’ll admit there have been a lot of women in my past, but that’s where they’ll stay, in my past.’

‘I know that.’ She put her hand on his thigh. ‘I know you love me, Zack. I’m not that insecure that I can’t take love when it’s given.’

‘It just hasn’t been given very often,’ he said grimly.

‘I told you, that doesn’t matter now I have you. None of it matters.’ And she meant it. The unhappiness of the last five years no longer existed now that she had Zack.

It was a hectic week, one of the busiest Holly had ever known. There was so much to do to arrange a wedding, and they had so little time to do it in. Maxine was a tremendous help, she and James coming up to London on the Tuesday to help and stay on for the wedding.

Zack had insisted that Holly had to leave her job, and as she wasn’t really career-minded and wanted to spend as much time with him as she possibly could she had done so without a qualm, spending her days organising the wedding, her evenings and nights with Zack, having moved in with him completely now, the last in a long line of bed-sitters given up for good.

Zack and James left early for the register office on Saturday morning, leaving Maxine to help Holly dress and then drive her to the wedding.

‘You look beautiful, Holly,’ Maxine told her warmly, tears in her eyes.

She did look quite attractive, the ivory-coloured dress and hat suiting her colouring perfectly, her hair a soft red cloud about her flushed cheeks having grown longer during the last three months. She looked young and beautiful, and she could hardly wait to become Zack’s wife.

In every sense of the word except the legal one they were already married, spending every waking moment together that they could, every sleeping one too, sharing thoughts and dreams, their love a tangible thing between them now. For Holly there was only happiness in the security of Zack’s love, and she welcomed their future together with open arms.

The two men were waiting outside the register office for them, looking more like twins than just brothers, both tall and straight, their golden hair gleaming brightly, their grey morning suits very formal, when she was used to seeing Zack in nothing but denims and casual shirts all week.

‘Can I have a word alone with Holly?’ Zack held her gaze steadily as he spoke to the other couple.

‘Can’t it wait until after the ceremony?’ teased Maxine. ‘You have her alone for a whole month then.’

‘No, it can’t wait,’ he said intently.

‘Let’s wait for them inside, Maxine,’ James suggested firmly.

Holly felt a moment of panic. Surely Zack hadn’t waited until now to tell her he had changed his mind, that he couldn’t go through with it?

‘No, I’ll never do that,’ he seemed to read her mind. ‘I just wanted to tell you how much I love you.’

Relief flooded through her. ‘Did you have to be so melodramatic about it?’ she chided. ‘You frightened me for a minute!’

‘I didn’t mean to.’ He took her into his arms. ‘But I get afraid too sometimes. I rushed you into this wedding so fast you haven’t had time to think. I want you to be sure this is what you want.’

‘I am.’

‘Very sure.’

‘I’m very sure.’ She looked up at him frowningly, ‘Zack, I love you. I want to marry you. Besides,’ she added softly, ‘there may not just be the two of us to consider any more.’

‘Hm?’ He looked puzzled.

‘Zack, we’ve just spent a beautiful pre-wedding week together,’ she explained patiently. ‘I have a feeling we might have done a little more than that.’

‘A baby?’ The gleam of satisfaction in his eyes dispelled any doubts she might have had that he wouldn’t want a baby so soon, although they had discussed the possibility of having children at some time in their marriage. ‘Do you think it’s possible?’

‘Don’t you?’ she teased.

‘God, yes!’ His arms tightened about her. ‘Wouldn’t that be wonderful? I—’

‘Zack,’ Maxine appeared in the doorway of the register office, ‘they’re ready for us now,’ she prompted.

‘Damn,’ he frowned. ‘I haven’t finished saying all that needs to be said.’ He looked down at Holly.

‘Tell me after the wedding,’ she smiled.

He nodded reluctantly, and the two of them followed Maxine and James into the registrar’s room. Despite what she had heard to the contrary about register office weddings Holly found her marriage to Zack very beautiful, deciding that it didn’t really matter where the ceremony took place, as long as you married the person you loved. When Zack placed the plain gold wedding ring on her finger the tears fell softly down her cheeks, and she received his kiss as if in a dream.

But Zack still seemed tense and ill at ease as they thanked the registrar and received Maxine and James’s congratulations, keeping her firmly at his side as they all turned to leave, the four of them going out to a celebration lunch before Holly and Zack went on their honeymoon.

Holly came to an abrupt halt as she saw the woman sitting at the back of the room where she had just been married, all colour leaving her face. She was a little older now, the red hair showing signs of greying, but despite the five years since she had last seen her Holly knew that this was her mother! What was she doing here on her wedding day?