Ash and I danced around each other like weary, polite strangers forced into close proximity against their will. Which, all things considered, was exactly what we were. Ash just happened to be earning a sizable paycheck for his trouble, while I’d gotten a few amazing orgasms out of the deal.

If nothing else, this situation had taught me a valuable lesson; one I didn’t intend to forget. From now on, no matter what my vagina or my heart told me about a man, I was only going to listen to my head. Logic and reason were the name of the game moving forward. Which would have been all well and good if it weren’t for what I did for a living. No artist alive would ever claim to do their best work when their brain was in charge. Nope. It was all about feelings and emotions and all the terrible things that had made me fall headlong in love with a man who’d never love me back.

And about two hours ago, I’d had to put all that vulnerability on display as we’d officially began recording my album. To say things were not going well would be an understatement.

With a sigh, I pulled the headphones off and stretched my back, hoping to work out the tightness and kinks that had taken over my upper body. I’d known today was going to be emotionally difficult, but I hadn’t expected to encounter physical pain in the process. Pressing my fingers into the muscle where my spine met my skull, I tried to knead away the tension headache that lurked there, ready to spring. I really missed the masseuse Rocky usually brought in during marathon recording sessions.

“You want to take a few minutes?” Ash’s voice echoed through the recording booth’s speakers.

With a final roll of my head, I picked up the headphones and set them atop my ears. “I’m good. Let’s try it again from the chorus.”

“Sure, works for me.”

“Great.”

And that folks, was the type of conversations we’d been having for the last couple of days. I hated the stilted, formal tone our discussions had taken on; lots of good mornings, good evenings, thank yous, and you’re welcomes passed between us throughout the day. At least Ash hadn’t asked me about the weather. I wasn’t sure I could accept it if instead of “I’m going to fuck you now,” he looked at me one day and asked, “Fine weather we’re having, don’t you think?”

The guitar track I’d laid down the day before came through my earphones and I listened for the note that signaled my cue to sing. Taking in a lungful of air, I belted out the lines I’d been having trouble with all morning.

At the end of the verse, I let the note hang without picking up the next stanza, and when the guitar continued on without me, I dropped my head forward and groaned.

“Are you sure you don’t want to take a break?” came Ash’s voice through my headphones. “I can make us some coffee.”

Gah. Quit being so solicitous, I wanted to scream. Instead, I dropped my head back and stared up at the ceiling. Removing the earphones—again—I hung them on their peg across the tiny room. “I’m going to take a walk to clear my head.”

When I stepped through the padded door, Ash removed his own headphones and tugged on his coat.

“What are you doing?”

“You said you wanted to go for a walk.” He pulled his sleeves down past his cuffs and looked at me expectantly.

“I want to go for a walk,” I explained. “I didn’t say I wanted you to join me.”

“You know the rules, Rae.” He punched in the security code to open the heavy door to the outside world. Less than fifty feet separated the studio from the main house, and it was connected by a glassed-in walkway. “You’re fine wandering between the house and the studio, but when you venture further afield, I have to be with you.”

I ground my teeth together. Again. When this was all over, I’d need to make a visit to the dentist. I was pretty sure my crowns would need to be replaced as much as I’d been clenching my jaw. But first, I took a steady breath and turned to Ash. “There are no stalkers out there waiting for me.” I pointed to the wilderness outside. “And you said it yourself; Staufferson thinks he’s laying low because I’m supposedly in England.”

Ash’s jaw ticked, and I suppressed a satisfied smirk. Seems I wasn’t the only one grinding her teeth lately. “Staufferson and his team are grasping at straws,” he snarled. “They don’t have the first clue what’s going on in that asshole’s mind, so in the absence of any activity they can act on, they’re throwing out theories and hoping one of them sticks.”

“How comforting,” I replied as I stepped outside, Ash at my heels.

“Not really,” came his equally caustic response. He grabbed ahold of my arm and spun me around to face him. “You don’t have to do this by the book, Rae. Let us take over.”

That got my attention. If ever I’d met a by-the-book type of guy, Ash was it. If he was recommending we call an audible, I needed to listen. “Meaning?”

“Meaning, McClintock isn’t hampered by rules and regulations the way the police are.”

“Cut the cryptic double speak and give it to me straight.”

“Fine,” he breathed, dropping my arm and running rough fingers through his hair before gripping the back of his neck. “There’s a reason all Dermott’s guys are Black Ops, Special Forces, mercenaries, and the like. You want things taken care of quietly and efficiently, you go to him. This whole fucking babysitting gig isn’t really in the regular scope of how we work.”

“Oh, poor baby,” I cooed snidely. “Pardon me for not showing an adequate amount of sympathy. My fucking life is at stake, and here you are whining that your fucking job isn’t exciting enough. I’m sorry my well-being is such a goddamn hardship for you.” When Ash’s face remained blank, I jabbed my finger into his chest, hoping for a reaction. I didn’t get one, so I kept on going, venting my rage on him. “And just so we’re clear. This ain’t fucking babysitting. It’s babysitting with a side fucking. Which you instigated.”

I pressed my palms to his chest and pushed, but he didn’t budge. I pushed again, putting every ounce of strength I had into it as I continued yelling at him. “Is that your specialty, Ash? Are you the big dick Dermott calls to keep clients like me happy and complacent? Are you the big bad alpha who gets assigned to the damsels in distress so you can fuck them until they forget they’re in danger?”

When I went to shove against him again, Ash caught my hands in a vice grip. “Think very carefully about what you say next.”

“Or what?” I challenged, pulling my hands free and slamming them onto my hips. “Or you won’t talk to me anymore? Ha! Or, I know … maybe if I keep talking you’ll get so fucking fed up hearing my voice, you’ll leave me out here to fend for myself. Perfect! Go! At least then I won’t have to go around walking on egg shells, worried about upsetting you with actual conversation.”

His voice calm—his tone deadly serious—Ash said, “I’m warning you Rae.”

But I had the bit between my teeth now, and I wasn’t about the let it go. I was overwhelmed with a metric ton of pent-up frustration from this whole ordeal, and it felt terrific to unleash it on him, the source of my wounded pride. So rather than behaving like a rational adult, I mocked him instead.

Putting on a deep voice, I mimicked his ominous tone. “I’m warning you Rae. I’m warning you that I’m a fucking prick who will break your heart. I’m warning you that I can’t be bothered to know anything about you except for how to make you come. I’m warning you—”

My next words were lost when Ash squatted down, threw me over his shoulder, and stalked back toward the house.

“Put me down you Neanderthal!” I screamed and pounded on him with balled up fists. “Fucking stop!”

He smacked my ass and the sound reverberated through the trees. “Be quiet.”

“Fuck you!” I shrieked, slamming my fists into him again and again. “I said put me down!”

He didn’t.

Instead, he kicked open the front door and marched us toward his bedroom where he tossed me onto his mattress. I bounced hard but before I could scurry away, Ash was on me, caging me in with his powerful thighs and iron grip.

“Get off me,” I breathed, desire and fear mixing in my bloodstream to form a heady cocktail of lust and panic. “Let me go.”

With Ash’s face scant inches away, his eyes searched mine. “You want to know why I don’t talk to you? Why I won’t let you in?”

Fearing if I spoke I’d never get the answers I desperately needed, I nodded wearily.

“I’m not a good man, Rae,” he said. “I ruin everything I touch.”

“You haven’t ruined me.”

Ash’s eyes raked over my face, and down to my heaving chest and then back up. “It’s only a matter of time.” He loosened his hold on my wrists and sat back on his haunches, my legs still immobile between his thighs

Propping up on my elbows, I said, “You’re talking in riddles. Help me understand.”

“Are you sure you want to know?”

I nodded. “You know so much about me, but you’re a complete mystery. I want to know you, Ash.”

“Even if it means when you look at me you see a killer? A man not worthy of you?”

Tentatively, I slid my hand to his thigh. “When we met, I was in a really bad place. I hadn’t hit rock bottom yet, but the crash wasn’t far off. You know what I’ve done. Who am I to say who’s worthy?”

“That’s different,” he whispered, his voice turning to gravel. “You never hurt anyone but yourself. What I did though …” He looked away, his guilt a tangible thing hanging heavy on his shoulders, weighing him down like a ton of lead.

In the face of something heavy enough to bow a man like Ash, I asked myself if I could truly face the truth. He’d called himself a killer. He’d been in the Special Forces, so it stood to reason he’d been involved in some heavy combat. I could only imagine the things he’d seen, what he’d been forced to do—to endure—in the name of duty. If that’s what this was about, he didn’t need to tell me the details. Not that I didn’t think I could stomach hearing them, but I didn’t want to make him relive something so traumatic.

“It’s okay,” I murmured. “You don’t have to talk about the Army if it’s too much. I understand.”

“That’s not it,” he shook his head. “I won’t lie to you, I’ve got a lot to make right with God for what went down over there, but that was war.” He shrugged. “I don’t know anyone who came back without feeling the same. Ask any of the guys at McClintock who’ve been deployed and they’ll agree. We had our orders and we saw them through. It was ugly, and it could be hell on earth at times, but everything we did was for the greater good of the world.”

If that wasn’t it, what could it possibly be? “I’m afraid you have me at a loss.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’ve never talked about any of this before and I’m fucking it up.” Ash rolled away from me and off the bed. Pacing a line in the rug, he confessed, “The only woman I ever loved is dead, and it’s because of me.” He stopped at stared down at me. “If I’d been a better man she’d probably still be alive.”

His fresh anguish hit me in the gut and a sick realization took hold. “You’re still in love with her,” I whispered, as the notion that Ash could never love me because he already loved someone else ran riot through my brain and straight to my heart where it fisted it in a crushing hold. “That’s why you’ve kept me at arm’s length.”

Of all the fucking men to fall in love with, I’d found the one whose heart belonged to a dead woman. There was nothing I could do to compete with that. More to the point, I didn’t want to. I’d already lived through being someone’s second choice, so as much as I cared for Ash, I wouldn’t put myself through that again.

“What? No,” he answered and my head swung back around.

“No?”

He stepped closer and placed his palms flat on the mattress. “No, I’m not still in love with Sonia.”

Was it wrong to hate her name on his lips? Did it make me a bad person that a dead woman could affect me so?

“You’re not?”

He climbed on the bed again, like a panther stalking its prey. “I promised I’d never lie to you, and I won’t start now. I loved her once, but not anymore. Hell, sometimes I wonder if maybe I only loved the idea of her.”

“What happened?”

Straddling my legs a second time, he whispered, “October 26.”

Fuck.

“October 26” was akin to saying, “September 11.” Everyone remembered where they were and what they’d been doing when the bombs went off in San Francisco, practically leveling the city’s Financial District. I’d been across the bridge in Oakland, preparing to run through my sound check for a show later that evening. Almost immediately, the entire Bay Area went into lock down and when the dust had finally settled—quite literally—over one thousand people had been murdered, most of them in a two-block radius of back-to-back skyscrapers.

“What happened to Sonia?”

I could understand being broken hearted the woman he’d loved died in the attack, but what I couldn’t wrap my head around was why he held himself responsible. Why he took the blame for her murder when it’d been just another terrorist attack on American soil.

Leaning forward, he laid of soft kiss on my forehead. “Every damn day I watch you give me a small piece of yourself, and then your big brown eyes beg for a piece of me in return. But you have to understand something about me: I don’t talk about my past. Ever. It’s not personal. It’s just who I am. Who I’ve become.” He rubbed his thumb over my trembling bottom lip as his eyes bored into my soul. “Please don’t make me say it, Rae. Just …” he sighed. “Can’t you just accept me for who I am today? I’ll gladly give you all of him.”

Maybe if I were a different sort of woman I could have said yes. I could have nodded and told him he was all I needed, but I wasn’t that type of woman. I was who I was, and I couldn’t be with a man who knew everything about me, but wouldn’t share his whole self in return. Given what I’d been through, I would never use Ash’s history against him, but a part of me had to know what his scars were and how he’d gotten them, just like he knew how I’d come to have mine.

And so, with tears in my eyes, I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Ash, but if you want me, you have to share it all. I can’t accept anything less.”

He dropped his head forward and his chin rested against his chest as he pushed a deep sigh from his lungs. The room went silent, the only sound our breathing. His choked, and mine erratic. There were certain moments in life when your future literally rested on the next words someone said, where life could go one of two ways. And as I waited to hear what he’d say next, I knew this was one such moment. If Ash told me he couldn’t give me what I needed from him, that would be the end of us.

Maybe it was selfish demand something he’d never given anyone else and hadn’t ever planned to, but with my heart on the line, if I didn’t look out for it, who would?

Mentally, I prepared myself to walk out of this room, pick up my phone, and tell Rocky he needed to fire McClintock and put a new security team in place. Because if Ash told me he couldn’t be the man I needed him to be, our situation here would be untenable. I couldn’t go on living like strangers, as if he didn’t mean the world to me. I couldn’t force myself to pretend this conversation had never taken place.

When Ash raised his face to mine, his eyes were determined and his cheeks were flushed. I held my breath, waiting to learn which way the pendulum would swing.

“Okay then,” he said on a gust of anguished breath and my heart skipped a beat. “I want like hell for you to accept me as I am, but more than that, I want you. God help me, Rae, but I can’t stop wanting you.” He surged forward, slid his big hands into my hair, and captured my lips in a frenzied, hungry kiss. Pulling back, his eyes flicked between mine, searching. “Tell me it’s the same for you.”

I licked my lips, tasting him on them. “It’s the same Ash. You’re all I want.”

This time when our lips met, our kiss wasn’t hurried or frenetic. Licking his way inside my mouth, our tongues danced and moved in perfect harmony, our sighs and moans and breathing synced to create a perfect beat. The music of us.

“I promise to tell you everything,” he said against my lips, “but first I need to be inside of you.” He kissed his way down my jaw, along the slope of my neck, and across my chest. “I need to bury my cock so far inside of you there’s nowhere else for me to go.”

“Yes,” I said, running my hands through his hair and holding him against my beating chest.

Ash stared up the length of my body with hooded lids. He licked his lips, and said, “I need you to do something for me.”

“Anything,” I answered.

And I meant it. Now that he’d promised to give one hundred percent of himself, I would do anything he asked, be anyone he needed me to be. At least I thought so.

But when Ash reached into his nightstand to pull out a ball of silky black rope, my breath hitched and my stomach lurched. “Ash?”

While we’d explored his dominant side, our play had been limited to whispered commands and an abundance of dirty talk. I knew he’d tied me up that first night together because he’d told me he had, but since finding our way back to one another, we’d never taken things that far again. He’d held me down and gripped my hands tight above my head, but he’d never actually restrained me.

Sensing my panic, he kissed me again. “I need this, Rae,” he said, raising my right arm to the slats and wrapping my wrist against it. He tugged on the cord, testing its tightness. When he was satisfied I was restrained, but couldn’t hurt myself, he leaned across and did the same with my other hand. “I need you like this, just this once, I promise.”

Being tied to a bed wasn’t something I was comfortable with in just any old situation, but in a moment of blinding clarity I understood why Ash needed this. I’d asked him to give up a part of himself he’d held onto for years. By revealing his past, he would be giving me complete control over our future. And that made him feel out of control. Him saying he needed me bound wasn’t just a figure of speech for him. He literally needed to exert control over my body since he was giving me control of his heart.

When he was satisfied with his handiwork, Ash sat back to admire the knots. And then he dragged his eyes to mine. “I won’t ever hurt you. You know that, right?”

I nodded, and a whispered “yes” slipped from my lips.

Ash reached into his back pocket and pulled out a bandana. When he rolled it into a makeshift blindfold, I swallowed my trepidation. I closed my eyes in invitation when he brought it to my face. With the cool cotton resting against my closed eyelids, I dropped forward so he could tie the scarf behind my head.

“Good girl,” he said, dropping a kiss on the top of my head. When he rubbed his palm down the side of my face, I leaned into his caress. “Such a good, good girl,” he whispered adoringly, the unabashed praise sending a surprising spiral of warmth through my core.

“I’ll give you every part of me, Rae, but I’m going to ask the same in return,” he whispered seductively in my ear, the kiss of his breath against my skin causing goosebumps to dance along my body. “You can have all of me, but you have to give me all of you, as well. You’ve held back too, but not anymore. This time, I’m going to take everything you have to give.”

“Please,” I begged, not sure what I was asking for.

“Please what?”

“I don’t know.”

“You do know,” he whispered in my other ear, the change in direction startling me. I hadn’t even realized he’d moved to my other side. “What do you want, Rae?”

“I want you.”

He licked my ear, and I jumped, the bindings at my wrist pulling taut. “What else do you want?”

I thought hard about what he was really asking of me. This wasn’t our usual playful banter where I told him I wanted his body and he told me he wanted mine. His need was deeper, and so was mine. “I want to know you. I want all of you.”

“Be sure about that.”

“I am,” I answered. “I want everything. I want it all, Ash. The dark and the light. The past, the present, and the future. Give me all of you, and you can have all of me in return.”

“I am so fucking happy you said that,” he said. Then he ripped my t-shirt from my body, rending it in two, baring my chest to his eyes, hands, and mouth.

When his teeth clamped over my nipple, my pussy clenched, and all I could think was, “So am I.”

* * *

I lost all track of time. I was shaking and covered in sweat, my energy reserves completely depleted. From years of touring, I had better stamina than most, but it was nothing in the face of his need. Ash took me to the highest of highs, and then, when I couldn’t take another moment of his pleasure or his pain, he’d plunge me into the abyss.

“One more, Rae. Just one more.” Ash’s fingers skated to my pussy, slick with my juices and his cum, and my hips rose to meet him even as I shook my head and begged for respite.

“I can’t.”

“You can.”

“I have nothing left,” I croaked.

“You know how to stop me, but I don’t think you really want to.”

“I’m exhausted, Ash.”

“You don’t have to do a thing. Just let me love you one more time,” he said, sliding his sweat-slicked body away.

Instinctively I reached for him, but was held in place by my bindings. “Ash?”

“Shh, just relax.” Ash laid a feather-light kiss to me cheek and then began untying my knots. When my wrists were free, he massaged my fingers and worked out the stiffness in my limbs before laying me flat on my back. And then he started massaging my whole body, starting at the arch of my foot and working his way up. And through it all, my blindfold stayed in place, keeping my senses on alert and wholly trained on his movements.

A lifetime later, I floated on a cloud of sated bliss.

When Ash’s lips met mine, I opened to him and he licked his way inside, the musky taste of our lovemaking lingering on his tongue. As he kissed me with languid strokes, he nudged my knees apart and settled his hips between my thighs, his heavy cock resting against my core. Ash rolled his hips against my slit, his crown teasing my seam.

“Let me in Rae,” he whispered, and I was powerless against his plea. I dropped my knee, and opened to him. But before he entered me, he untied my blindfold.

It took a moment for my eyes to adjust, but as my vision came back, I focused in on the look on his face. I’d never seen him that happy. That content. With our eyes locked, he sheathed himself to the root, and I gasped at the fullness of him.

Ash held still and kissed me again—reverently, worshipfully. He pulled back and whispered my name before dropping another quick kiss to my lips as he rolled hips against me in a slow wave. With each thrust, my eyes roved his face, taking in his thick beard, the dimple I’d only glimpsed once or twice before, his high cheekbones.

“Ash,” I whispered, bringing my hand to his cheek.

He turned and kissed my palm. “Thank you, baby,” he said, rocking gently against me. “Thank you so fucking much.”

When he surged forward, my heart shattered. On his next thrust, it reformed. And when a few minutes later he came moaning my name, my past was burned to the ground. Ash was the future.

He was my home.