I still feel like I’m reeling when I get back to my room. Nobody talks much as we unload the van, and once we’re done, most of us just split up. Henry is talking quietly with Claude and Jean while Bill mumbles something about heading to the bar. Trace and Miller both disappear, while I just wander back upstairs.

I go into my bathroom and splash water on my face. I look into the mirror and I feel like I want to cry, but I don’t understand why. Nothing bad happened, though it was hanging on the knife’s edge that whole time.

Isn’t this what I wanted? Action and adventure, a glimpse at reality underneath all the bullshit of daily life. The Strips are real and their violence is real, and I just witnessed it up close. If Henry hadn’t hired the Quebecois brothers, things could have gotten really, really bad back there.

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I pretend to be a real journalist, but honestly I’ve just written some stuff for the Times and for Buzzfeed. I haven’t traveled or really put myself in harm’s way for a story before. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know if I can hold myself together through this.

As I watch myself, I keep seeing the people back in that house as the Strips rolled up. I can still see the fear on their faces. It was etched into their posture, into their very bodies, burned deep inside of them. That’s what the Strips did to this place: people fear them more than anything else.

It’s so obvious, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I feel so powerless, so absolutely weak and pathetic. The Strips can roll in here at any time and kill us if they want, and I bet they’d get away with it.

The thought makes fear spike through me. I always saw myself as brave, but being in that room with all those terrified people, I realize now that I wouldn’t have done a damn thing if the Strips attacked Henry. I would have screamed, maybe I would have tried to hide, and that… that makes me hate myself.

I want to be brave. I want to be better than this. But I don’t know if I have it in me.

Someone knocking at my door pulls me from my self-destructive thoughts. I take a sharp breath and walk over to the door. For a stupid second, I think it’s the Strips, back to finish the job. But of course it’s just Henry, looking concerned.

“Hey,” he says to me as I pull the door open. “Can we talk?”

I nod and let him inside. “I know what you’re going to say.”

“Do you?” he asks me. He leans up against the little desk that’s shoved up against the far wall as I sit down on the end of the bed. I put my elbows on my knees and leans forward.

“You want us to stop,” I say to him. “Leave here.”

He doesn’t answer. I look up at him and he just shrugs a little. “I guess I’m predictable.”

“Honestly, I was thinking the same thing.”

He raises an eyebrow as I meet his gaze, not sure what else to say. I feel like a coward. I feel pathetic. I feel like I’m running away.

“Claude and Jean don’t think the Strips will bother us for a little while,” he says. “They’re more bark than bite, at least according to them.”

“What do you think?”

He shrugs a little. “I honestly don’t know. I’m in uncharted waters here too.”

I sigh and look up at the ceiling. “Did you talk to anyone else?”

“Bill, briefly. He was on the way out to the bar.”

“Is that a good idea?”

“No,” he says, grinning. “But that’s Bill. And if it matters, he said that he’s on board no matter what we choose.”

I watch him, his handsome face, and I realize I was willing to run away back there. He walked out, faced the Strips head on, wasn’t afraid. He’s one of the bravest, most incredible men I’ve ever met.

And I want to be more like him.

I want to be better.

I stand up and he cocks his head at me. I walk up to him without thinking and I press my body against his. “I was afraid,” I admit to him. “I was frozen. I couldn’t do anything.”

“It’s okay,” he says, wrapping his arms around me.

“It’s not okay,” I say back to him, burying my face in his chest as he hugs me close. “I should have… should have done something.”

“No, you should have gotten the fuck out of there.” He takes my shoulders and looks at me seriously. “There was nothing you could have done, understand? There’s no reason to put yourself in danger.”

“But you did,” I say.

“I’m different.”

“How?”

“I’m stupid.” He grins at me. “Plus, I knew Claude and Jean were there. Come on, you think I was gonna fight those guys myself?”

I smile a little bit. “Were you scared?”

“Fuck yes,” he admits, laughing. “Of course. But that’s not what being brave is.”

“What is it then?”

“It’s doing what you have to do, despite wanting to do something different.”

I look into his deep eyes and I know what I want. I kiss him then, pressing my mouth hard against his, letting his tongue touch mine as I press myself harder against him. He pulls me tight against his chest and kisses me back, full and deep, and I can’t stop myself.

I’m so overwhelmed by everything, but I know what I want. I realize I can be brave and do the right thing, despite my fear.

I turn him and press him back, shoving him down onto the bed. I feel like I’m in a frenzy, completely mindless, but starving for him at the same time. I can feel what I want and need clicking into place, finally becoming one and the same.

I kiss him rough as his hands move along my body, pressing my shirt up. He pulls it off and I shrug it aside as he unhooks my bra, my hair spilling down over my breasts. He sits up as I straddle him, his hands supporting my ass, his lips kissing my neck. My nipples are so hard as his teeth finds them, licking and teasing me.

I drop back and down onto my knees in front of him. I quickly pull his jeans off, making fast work of them. I get his briefs off and take his cock in my hard, stroking him as I stand and look in his eyes.

He grabs my hair and pulls me against him, kissing me hard, propped up on one elbow. I kiss him back, cock still in my hand. He’s so hard as I stroke him faster and faster, sliding along his skin slick with pre-cum.

I move back and take his cock between my lips. As I suck his tip, I manage to unbutton my pants and pull them down over my hips. I look up at him and he groans, his dick still in my mouth.

“God damn, girl,” he grunts. “You’re driving me insane.”

I pull back, letting his cock slide from my mouth with a pop. “Good,” I say, and finish taking off my panties. I stand in front of him, dripping wet and completely naked.

He reaches for me, but I push him away. I shove him back, climbing on top of him, my back arched and pussy wet. I pin his hands down on either side of him and he smirks as I work my back against his cock, letting him slide against my slick spot. I reach back and slowly guide him inside of me, and he lets me slide down his length, taking him deep inside my pussy.

I gasp as he fills me. I kiss him hard, still holding his hands down, and I begin to ride him.

This is what I need. I want some control, a little power, and I know he’ll let me have it. I know Henry can take me any time he wants, can throw me down and pin me to the bed and fuck me raw, but he’s letting me do what I want right now. I work my hips back and suddenly he pushes his hands up, overwhelming me with his strength.

He sits up and takes my wrists, pinning them behind my back, his lips against my ear. “You want to be on top, huh?” he asks. “You want to ride this cock?”

“Yes,” I moan, pleasure rocking through me.

“Then fucking ride it.”

I work back, slamming down along his cock as he thrusts into me. He’s so big, he rips me apart, fills me to the brim. I rock back, sliding along him, needing him to fill me, needing him to fuck me.

He releases my wrist and I wrap my arms around his neck as he slaps my ass. I gasp as he slams himself into me. I pull his hair and work my hips back, pressing my ass harder and harder against him, riding his dick in a frenzy. Sweat drips down my skin but I don’t care, all I need is his thick cock.

He pulls his shirt off and tosses it aside. I put my hands on his chest and push him back onto his elbows. He smirks as I work my ass along his big dick, clapping me back and forth against him. He lets me ride him as pleasure surges through me.

He reaches up and grabs my hair with one hand and pulls it back. I gasp and dig my nails into his chest, making him grunt. He slaps my ass and pulls me down against him. His hand still in my hair, he slaps my ass again and again, fucking me hard, making it hurt.

I moan, deep and low. He grunts and keeps fucking me, unrelenting and intense. I can feel my orgasm beginning to build and I don’t want to stop, don’t ever want to stop. I slam back, bucking against him, working harder and harder.

The orgasm surges through me, ripping me to pieces. I gasp as he pulls my hair back right at its peak, making it feel so incredibly intense, his cock rocking into me. Just as my orgasm finishes, he pulls himself out and pushes me aside.

He pins me down, ass in the air, and stands at the edge of the bed. He grabs my wrists and slams himself into me. I can tell he’s close, so I back my ass up against him, sliding along his cock. He pulls himself out a second later, stroking his cock as he comes all over my ass and back in thick, heavy spurts.

I realize I’m moaning and can’t help it as he comes. I love getting covered by him, it drives me absolutely insane. When he’s finishes, he collapses onto his knees for a second, breathing deeply while I stare over my shoulder at him, feeling completely spent.

He stand after a second and grabs a towel from the bathroom. He cleans me up tenderly, kissing my lips, making me laugh. I roll over onto my side when he’s through and look at him.

“We’re seeing this through,” I say.

“I know,” he answers, frowning. “I figured you’d say that.”

“I was afraid. But I don’t want to be a coward.”

He nods at me. “You’re not. Not at all.”

“So let’s make this happen.”

I watch as he walks over to me, kneels down, and kisses my lips. He runs his fingers through my hair gently, nuzzling against my neck, taking a deep breath. “Yeah, okay,” he says finally. “We’ll finish this. And I know how.”

I raise an eyebrow. “You have an idea?”

“Just one last interview. And then we’ll get the hell out of this town. You with me?”

I nod. “I’m with you.”

He grins and kisses me again. “Good.”

Of course I’m with him, I realize. I love being with him. All my thoughts of the past are suddenly gone as it occurs to me that I’m entirely invested in the present. What happened to us back then is receding into memory while what’s happening now is taking over everything. This is more important than anything else, whatever this is that we’re building between us. Sweating and spent, I know I have to follow this through.

Not just the story, but Henry himself. I have to see where it takes me.