Fuck, how did I let it get to this point?

This is all my fault. I shouldn’t have broken my vows, I shouldn’t have fucked Clarise, and I sure as hell shouldn’t have fallen for her. But how does the saying go? What’s done, is done. And now I have to deal with the consequences of my foolishness.

Pressing hard against the pedal, I force the engine of my car to growl furiously, and I let the adrenaline of driving like a maniac take the edge off the desperation I’m feeling right now.

I can’t believe that I’m abandoning the woman I love; and, worse than that, I can’t believe that I’m breaking her heart. But what else can I do? If I keep playing this game, Earl’s going to expose us… And once that happens, it’ll be the end for both me and Clarise. Not that I care about me; what if I’m banished from the order? I don’t care about that anymore. To be honest with you, I don’t care about much now that I’ve pushed away the most perfect woman I’ve ever met.

I still care for her, though. And I’ll be doomed if I let her suffer because of me. If Earl exposes us, her father might push her away definitely, and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if something like that happened.

There’s only one thing left for me to do: I’m going back to Rome.

I’m not exactly looking forward to going back to Europe, but what can I do? I came to the States to continue my father’s legacy and to guide the Donovans, but all I managed to do was make the situation ten times worse. Now that Earl has that recording, there’s no stopping him. And if I move against him… If I do that, he’ll expose me as a fraud and then he’ll have his father’s ear, and then… then he’ll be able to do with the company as he pleases.

I could stay, of course. But how would I do that? Every day I’m around her, all I want to do is lean in and kiss her, feel her body pressed tight against mine… The only way I’d be able to do that would be for me to play Earl’s little game, and that’s something I won’t ever do. I might've turned out to be a different man than the one I thought I was, but I won’t stoop that low. The Donovans were always good to me and my father, and I won’t repay their trust in us with a backstabbing move. Even if that costs me everything.

I only slow down as I see the Donovan Estate rise in the distance. As I take my foot off the pedal, I take one deep breath and try to think clearly. Driving up to the guest house, I park the car and walk inside. There, I go straight to my bedroom and take my official stamp from the Order out of one of the desk’s drawers.

Sitting down, I grab a blank piece of paper and a pen.

Dear Mr. Donovan, I start to write, please accept this letter of resignation from my current position as your adviser. I can only thank you for the opportunity to serve under a family such as the Donovans, but it’s my belief I’m not the most appropriate member of the Order to guide your family as of now. Once I get back to Rome, it’ll be my pleasure to assist you with the transition to another member of the Order.

All the best,

Connor.

I stare at the piece of paper in front of me for God knows how long. Sighing heavily, I reach for my stamp and dip it into the ink box I have by my side. I press the stamp hard over my letter, imprinting my personal sigil from the Order on the paper.

"It’s done," I mutter to myself, carefully folding the envelope and placing it in the inner pocket of my jacket.

I spend the next hour packing up my briefcases; lucky for me, I don’t have many possessions, and so it’s a fairly easy ordeal. Once that’s done, I take one deep breath and prepare myself mentally to deliver my letter of resignation to Jonathan.  Marching out of the house, I start making my way toward the mansion up on the hill.

I’m almost halfway through the winding path when I start remembering the way I treated Clarise back at the cemetery. Her sad eyes, the frustration in her voice… That was probably our last time together, and I treated her so fucking harshly.

No, I can’t leave like this.

Stopping dead in my tracks, I take my phone out of my pocket and look for her name on the contact list.

Can you meet me at the chapel? I need to see you, I type, and then send her the text. Not entirely sure if it’s a good idea, I turn my back to the mansion and start making my way down the path, heading toward the chapel.

As I approach it, I can’t help but remember my first time with Clarise in there. I felt so bad after it was over but, at the same time, I don’t think I've ever felt anything quite like what I was experiencing. It was Heaven and Hell at the same time and, for the first time in a long time, I felt truly alive.

I stop right in front of the door and push it open, blinking as my eyes adjust to the darkness inside. The darkness where my body and Clarise became one. The darkness where her moans cut through the silence.

I might be leaving for good, yes, but I won’t leave before I tell Clarise what she truly means to me. I have a lot of regrets in my life, and I won’t let her become another one.

And that’s  because I love her more than anything.