i sat in complete and utter shock from Marcus’ words. He stood there with his hands laced on top of his head and stared at me like he had no idea who I was, and I guess he didn’t.
I stood up and hurried out of his living room and out the front door, wanting to get as far away as I could.
I had been right this whole time. Marcus didn’t feel the same way about me.
With everything that had just happened with Justin, I thought this would work. I thought I could at least change his mind. I thought I could get him to choose me.
But, as he so blatantly put it, I thought wrong.
So very wrong.
Two crushing blows in one night, I wasn’t sure I could handle everything that had happened. I got in my car and sat there for I don’t even know how long. I waited for the tears to come, but they didn’t. Officially too numb to cry or do little else than sit there and stare blankly out of my windshield.
After sitting for what felt like forever, I started my car and pulled out on the road, heading toward home. I didn’t know if I even wanted to go home. Maybe I’d just drive for a little while. I couldn’t do that, of course. I’d end up stranded because I’d start thinking about everything again. Being hurt in that way was enough to break anyone. The one person who I thought I knew better than anyone else in the world rejected me in the worst way. Dwelling on that would send me over the edge again and there was no way I could drive in that state.
The drive home was uneventful. I kept myself from thinking about anything along the way. I didn’t know what to do with myself. After parking and locking the car, I went inside my apartment. Chances were Erica wasn’t here. I hoped not. Maybe she went home with that guy from the party. What was his name again? Hell, I guess it really didn’t matter right now.
Looking around, I hoped to find something to do, anything to keep myself busy. There was plenty that could be done around the apartment, but it was three in the morning. I’m not sure my neighbors would like a bunch of noise at this hour.
Cleaning would keep my mind occupied though. I started back in the bathroom, taking the cleaning supplies from under the sink. I sprayed down the sink and the tub, and along the shower walls to let them sit before grabbing the glass cleaner to do the mirror.
I refused to look at myself. I knew I looked awful. I mean, how could I not after the night I had? No. I wasn’t going to go there.
With the mirror now clean, I went to do the toilet. We had one of those automatic bowl cleaners so it wasn’t too bad. It didn’t take me as long as I’d hoped. I scrubbed the inside with the toilet brush, wiped the outside down with the cleaner and paper towels, and then stood back up.
The tub and sink had enough time to soak so I went to them next. With a rag, I scrubbed the sink, tub, and shower walls. It seemed to take no time at all, which was really starting to frustrate me. I threw the supplies back under the sink and washed my hands. I needed something else to do.
I walked back into the kitchen and noticed all the baking stuff out on the counter. Erica had been baking cakes and cupcakes for the last two weeks. The ones she made before we got ready for Marcus’ party were still on the baking sheet in the oven, where she was keeping them. I didn’t know why she made more. Halloween was over, and it was the weekend. She must have planned to take them to the party and forgot.
Sighing, I grabbed a few things off the counter that needed to be thrown away and tossed them in the trash. I put the boxes of unopened cake mix in the cabinet and carelessly dropped the dirty dishes in the sink. Good thing they were plastic.
Just a few minutes later, the dishes were washed and in the drainer. It wasn’t enough. Time was standing still. It wasn’t like I could just go and lay down and sleep this off. If I wasn’t busy, I would start thinking. If I starting thinking, I’d get upset again. If I got upset, who knew what I’d do.
I opened the stove and took out the large cookie sheet of iced cupcakes. There were at least two dozen. Erica wouldn’t miss one. Or a few.
I chose an orange one with a plastic black bat ring on top. After tossing the ring aside and pulling the paper away, I took a big bite. It was probably my mood, but it tasted both horrible and great at the same time. Great because I loved sweets when I was down in the dumps, but horrible because it made me feel sick to my stomach to eat at a time like this.
I ate it anyways.
The next one I chose was a green one with the same bat ring on top. I added that ring to the one I’d taken off before on the counter and tossed the paper aside before eating it quickly. At this rate, I’d gain a few pounds and a stomach ache, but I’d still have a broken heart.
After grabbing another orange one, I peeled back the paper and just stared at it. I took a deep breath, debating on whether I should eat it or not. I pulled my top lip between my teeth, shocked to taste a little salt. I brought my free hand to my face, brushing away the tears that had ran into my mouth. I didn’t even know I was crying.
It was too late now. Once the water works started, there was no way I could stop them. This is what I wanted to avoid. If the tears never came, I could just forget it ever happened.
Yeah, right. I knew that was stupid of me to think that I could just forget the events from tonight, but I wanted to believe it so badly, I was willing to try. Don’t cry and it was like it never happened, right?
Fail. Major fail.
I couldn’t be sure when it changed from just crying to actual sobbing, but before I knew it, I couldn’t breathe. I was leaning down, my elbows on the stove, gasping for breath between every horrible sob.
I was breaking.
Correction. I was already broken.
Everything hit me again like a ton of bricks. The fact that Justin had been cheating on his girlfriend with me. How I was so completely wrong about him the entire time. How I made a complete fool of myself in from of Marcus. How could I be so incredibly stupid?
Without thinking about it, I ran my arm along the stove, forcefully knocking the cupcakes off with a loud scream. The cookie sheet made a loud clang as it hit the floor. The kitchen tile was littered with pieces of cake and covered in orange, black, and green icing. Not to mention those stupid plastic rings.
I didn’t really care, and I wasn’t finished.
That wasn’t destructive enough so I took a step towards the mess and kicked the fallen cupcakes. Pieces flew everywhere, and icing smeared the tile even more. I wasn’t worried about staining my shoes. They were already covered. So were the bottoms of my favorite jeans. My throat was starting to hurt. Was that me screaming?
When there wasn’t much else to kick around, I collapsed right on top of the chaos. I leaned back against the cabinets, bringing my knees up to my chest and burying my face. I couldn’t believe I still had any tears left. It felt like I’d been crying forever now when only moments ago, I thought time couldn’t move slower.
Surprisingly, no one had called the landlord on me, but it was still technically Halloween night. Maybe my neighbors were all out partying, and no one would notice the wreck that was now my life. Not that I would have cared if they were home. I was too far gone.
My entire relationship with Justin had been a lie. I still couldn’t figure out what kind of person could do that to someone. He was so attentive and caring. I was the girl on the side. Why go through all the effort? Why did he have to make me fall for him just to have him rip my heart out? Why couldn’t he have just fooled me enough to get what he wanted and not worry about the other stuff? As horrible as it sounded, I’d have rather been used for the booty call I obviously was than to be played for a fool.
And Marcus, my God, what was I thinking? I was hurt and needed a shoulder to cry on. I hadn’t even thought about kissing him, but when he had his arms around me, telling me I’d always have him, I couldn’t stop. In my head, I took the things he was saying when he was comforting me as feelings for me. That he’d been in love with me all this time. But then he rejected me. I’d never felt that kind of hurt before. Or maybe it was embarrassment. I couldn’t tell the difference. I had too many feelings going on inside right now.
I just knew that I wanted to crawl in a hole and die.
To have my heart completely ripped out and stomped on not once but twice in one night was enough to make anyone depressed and maybe a little psychotic. I wanted to hurt someone. Or something. I wanted to cause damage and destruction that matched what I was feeling. I guess I succeeded a bit with the mess I’d made right here in the kitchen.
Time passed, and I wasn’t sure how much. The feel of someone tugging on my arm broke me out of my trance. I knew without even looking that it was Erica.
She had a look of horror on her face as she pulled me up without any help from me. I was complete dead weight. It was a wonder I stayed upright on my own at all. She was saying something, but I couldn’t hear her over the roaring in my ears. The sound of my heart pounding mixed in, making it impossible to hear much else.
Erica pulled me to the bathroom, still mouthing something at me, but I ignored her. She turned on the shower and stripped me from my clothes. Still, I didn’t acknowledge her.
I was completely helpless. I couldn’t find the strength to help myself so I let her guide me into the tub, where I decided to sit. She pulled the curtain shut, leaving me alone.
The water from the showerhead ran over me. I wasn’t as dirty as she must have thought I was based on the look of my clothes. When she came to check on me, I looked clean enough for her to turn the shower off and get me out. There was no need to look at her to know she was panicked.
I still couldn’t hear her, but I didn’t really try. She wrapped a towel around me and pulled me into my room where she found me some panties and a large t-shirt for me and helped me into them.
The next thing I knew, I was in bed with the comforter pulled over me and my light out. The entire event seemed to take only minutes.
She was worried about me, I knew that, but I couldn’t bring myself to care. I was getting what I wanted now. I was alone in my room where I didn’t have to worry about anyone but myself. That may make me a selfish person, but I was entitled to being self-centered after tonight even if Erica wasn’t aware of that.
The emotionlessness was coming back. As I lay on my side, I stared at my wall. I didn’t blink or avert my eyes. I wasn’t even sure I was still breathing. I wasn’t really sure of anything anymore.
I was just numb.