Chapter Twelve
Sierra had spent the morning driving around in Carter’s car. She should have returned it. She should have gone home, but she wasn’t ready to face anyone. So, she’d driven to the closest town from the McArthur cabin and gotten breakfast to go. She’d even filled up his gas tank as she’d driven in a meandering, back-roads fashion back to Marietta.
It had felt nice, kind of. Nothing but silence and gorgeous mountains and a pretty Montana morning. She’d never loved being alone, but there was something in it that gave her room to work through her thoughts, her feelings, her panic.
She’d hoped for the kind of clarifying moment she’d had in that Walmart bathroom. Was that only a week or so ago? It felt like years. Years and years ago.
But it hadn’t been, and instead of that absolutely sure resolution she’d made in that bathroom, she drove into Marietta feeling as unsure and confused as ever.
She didn’t want to leave Carter. She hadn’t wanted to leave that cabin. Love and being with him were good and she wanted those things. She wanted to believe everything he said about cracks and love and the things you had to do.
But no matter how much those things resonated, no matter how much she wondered if fixing this wasn’t the right answer, fear lingered.
Would this much fear linger if love was enough? She didn’t doubt they loved each other, what she doubted was the ability of love to survive…life. Or maybe even her.
She couldn’t face her parents with all this uncertainty. Not when they knew she’d been gone overnight and Carter had been the one to contact them and tell her where she was. They’d be expecting things and she wouldn’t know how to answer.
Not without showing them all her cracks. And there was all that fear again, mixed in with this new…desire. Almost as if she kind of wanted to let them see all her insecurities so they understood for once why she was the way she was.
Damn Carter. He’d messed her all up. She needed someone who’d talk some sense into her. Someone who saw her for what she was. Who knew how awful she could be and would support her in the very real knowledge that she, she, could not do this. She wasn’t strong enough for love and cracks and years upon years. Yes, that’s exactly what she needed.
She drove to Kaitlin’s apartment above the florist shop. It wasn’t fair to bother Kaitlin when she had a newborn, but Sierra was too mixed up to worry about fair. Too desperate for someone to reassure her what she knew to be true…was.
She parked and then went to the back and up the stairs to Kaitlin and Beckett’s apartment.
She knocked and Kaitlin answered, baby Ellie all curled up into her chest.
Sierra’s own chest clutched tight. She was going to have one of those. A tiny, defenseless human being, and she was going to have to be strong enough to protect her or him, raise them to be good, upstanding people.
She rubbed at her chest as her sister’s expression registered surprise.
“Sierra.”
“Sorry. I know you’re probably like a million times exhausted and I didn’t tell you I was coming.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” Kaitlin said, moving aside so Sierra could step in. Kaitlin’s normally tidy place was a haphazard mess of baby things. “Beckett had to go into work for a few hours and it’s just me and Ellie and I know I shouldn’t be, but I’m terrified. I have to pee, but she cries every time I put her down and—”
Sierra held out her arms. “Give her to me. Pee.”
“God bless you,” Kaitlin said vehemently, handing Ellie over carefully and then rushing to the bathroom.
Sierra stood in the midst of a messy whirlwind, this tiny, tiny little thing in her arms. Ellie blinked up at Sierra, her dark blue eyes seeming to take in Sierra’s face. Then she made a snorting noise, closed her eyes, and settled against Sierra’s arm.
When Kaitlin reappeared, Sierra surveyed her older sister. Kaitlin’s hair looked a bit like a rat’s nest, she had bags under her eyes, and there were spots here and there on the shoulders of her shirt.
“You could have called Mom. Or me,” Sierra said gently.
“I know, but I need to learn how to do it on my own. I wanted to do it on my own. I just… She’s so little.”
“It’s a miracle how tiny.”
Kaitlin collapsed onto the couch so Sierra sat down on the opposite end, enjoying the feeling of tiny, warm dozing baby in her arms. It was almost enough to make her problems feel far away.
But she’d come here about her problems, hadn’t she? She couldn’t exactly ignore them forever. Lina had probably already made it out to the cabin to pick up Carter and he’d likely be wanting his car back.
But Kaitlin was slumped on the couch, eyes half closed.
“You look like you could use a nap.”
“I could use a coma,” Kaitlin replied, but she smiled as she said it. “Or maybe just a bigger house. Beckett’s been taking the night wake-ups, but I can’t sleep through it anyway.”
“How’s he handling the daddy business?”
Kaitlin’s smile bloomed even more. “It really is something to watch the man you love be a dad.” At that, Kaitlin straightened a bit and glanced Sierra’s way. “So.”
“So.” Sierra let out a long sigh. “So.” She should open with something that made sense. A segue of sorts. Instead… “I slept with Carter. Again.”
Kaitlin’s eyes went wide. “So, you’re going to work things out?”
Sierra looked down at the baby’s closed eyes and slightly open mouth. “No, I… No.”
“It might be the baby brain, but I’m confused.”
“I’m not cut out for this whole…thing.”
“Marriage?”
“Yes. Marriage. Love. You have to… You know me, Kaitlin. You grew up with me. I’m not cut out for hard stuff. I don’t have your strength or Luke’s grit. I’m not smart. I don’t have any interests. I’m just… I’m not cut out to be the wife of someone like Carter.”
Kaitlin studied her for a few seconds and Sierra frowned because she did not see what she expected to, which was pure agreement. Or even reluctant agreement.
“I don’t believe in cut out, Sierra,” Kaitlin said, and it wasn’t in that careful about-to-let-you-down-easy way. It was fierce. It reminded her of the way Carter had talked to her yesterday. “I believe in the choices we make. They aren’t always easy or fun, but they’re ours, and they determine our future.”
“I’m choosing to save him from—”
“Does he want to be saved from you?”
Sierra wanted to pace, but Ellie was so content in her arms, so she had to stay still under Kaitlin’s steady gaze.
“You don’t understand. You always do the right thing. You always have. I have always done the wrong thing, and I always will. Carter and I will always circle back to these awful moments where it doesn’t work. I can’t stand the thought. I can’t survive it.”
“Did you expect to get married and everything would just be perfect? You’d always get along and be happy because you loved each other?”
“Yes! That’s how love is supposed to work. It’s supposed to be happy and easy or why would people do it?” Why would love be the thing that made the world go round if it could hurt this much? If it meant failure over and over again?
Kaitlin blew out a breath and rubbed her hand over her forehead. “Sierra, I’m no expert, but speaking from my experience and my experience alone… Look, I’m not speaking bad against Mom and Dad when I say this, because I know they always did what they thought was best. They were and are amazing parents. But I think… Marrying Beckett and having this beautiful girl I sort of realized our parents taught us that if we did everything right, everything would work out. But life doesn’t work like that. It’s imperfect and messy and right doesn’t always make sense, which means just like sometimes the person who does everything right doesn’t get everything she wants—the person who does everything wrong does.”
Sierra didn’t want it to hurt, but it did, because Kaitlin was clearly the did everything right and she was so completely the did everything wrong. But Kaitlin reached over, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly.
“I’d like to point out, I never did everything right, and you never did everything wrong. We’re human. We’re complicated. Life isn’t that cut and dried, and neither are we. It’s funny, Beckett wasn’t supposed to be right, but he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Even when we fight. Even when it hurts. It’s not love if it doesn’t hurt a little. Loving someone is always going to hurt a little, if only because you’re both human. You’ll hurt each other. It’s in the making up you find yourselves.”
“It hurts more than a little.” It hurt like it’d never heal. Like she’d always be this cracked apart and alone.
“Love is in the hurts—as much as it’s in the way you come away from the hurts. Life is hard. It throws a lot at you, and love is just another way to lose. That’s true. But it’s also the only way to win. Love does make you better. I think, even if you don’t realize it or feel it, loving someone makes you a better person.”
“What if it doesn’t?” She didn’t feel like a better person. She felt as mixed up as she’d always been, with a heaping dose of you don’t deserve him on the side.
“Sierra, I don’t know what’s happened between you and Carter. I do know… We didn’t used to talk. You used to not be able to be in a room with Mom and Dad without completely losing it if they dare suggest you do anything. I’m not saying because of Carter that happened, but maybe loving Carter helped you love us a little more, open up to us a little more. I think sometimes when you learn to love one person, it can’t help but spread. I know that’s what happened for me.”
It was…true. Weirdly. Inside she felt like she hadn’t changed at all, but Kaitlin was right. All they used to do was fight or say snide things to each other, and that hadn’t been all Sierra. Kaitlin had been judgmental and mean all on her own, but she’d mellowed in the past year. Love had changed her.
Then there was her parents. All Sierra had done with them for years was snipe, try to protect herself by lashing out.
She hadn’t felt compelled to engage in either behavior with her family in quite a while. Had she really changed? Grown? It made sense, and she wanted to blame the kind of maturity that came with age, but it was hard to deny that learning to handle how much she loved Carter had taught her some things about love and people in general.
“The thing is, and again, I speak from my own narrow experience here: the problem is not in being strong enough or good enough or right enough to love Carter. You love him anyway, or you wouldn’t be this miserable. The problem is you have to figure out how to love yourself, because it’s really hard to build a relationship, a partnership—marriage and parenting—when you’re busy thinking they shouldn’t be giving you all you’re giving them. It’s awfully hard to build a partnership on unequal footing.”
“How could I ever be on equal footing with him? He’s smart and driven and—”
“And didn’t he not talk to you for practically months because he couldn’t deal with his family stuff? Sorry, Sierra, he might be a great guy, but he isn’t perfect.”
Lina had basically said the same thing. And it was particularly weird because up until these past few weeks she’d never heard anyone talk bad about Carter. He and Cole hadn’t gotten along, but she’d figured it was in the same way she and Kaitlin hadn’t. Good and bad. Right and wrong.
Not that this was talking bad exactly, but Kaitlin was being critical of Carter, the way Lina had been, the way her parents had been, when before this breakup people were usually only critical of Sierra.
But that was awfully simple, wasn’t it? She’d expected adulthood and love to be simple, but… What would ever be simple about two separate people joining lives? What would ever be simple about dealing with parents’ illnesses and time demands from jobs or what have you? If she really thought about what the future held, there would be nothing simple about raising a child. Even for Carter.
“Think about it this way, Sierra. I love you. Carter loves you. Mom and Dad love you. Luke loves you. You’re close with Carter’s sister too, right? And Jess Clark. I’d be willing to bet they love you too. Are we all so wrong?”
“You might be,” Sierra muttered.
“We’re not. You’re funny and I always admired how you followed the beat of your own drum. I was jealous of it. You aren’t perfect, but neither am I, and most definitely neither is Carter. It’s a process, and it’s not all at once nor does it need to be, but you need to learn to love yourself. Because he loves you, and you love him. Which means you’re both worth that hard work to make your relationship work. Maybe you have to make some changes, and you definitely have to work together to communicate what you need, but if he loves you, Sierra, if he’s fighting for you, wanting to make it work, that’s the only thing you need to know.”
“I don’t want to be torn apart again. Have him turn away from me because…” Carter had admitted he’d been wrong, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do it again. Of course, he wasn’t in the habit of saying things he didn’t mean. But still, there were things that would happen that would hurt and… “I can’t do it. I can’t watch him look at me and know he thinks I’m less, even if I am.”
“Sierra. He doesn’t think you’re less. He married you, and he clearly doesn’t want to divorce you. You think you’re less, and that’s something you’re going to have to deal with. Because he can’t make you think you’re more. You have to decide you are.”
She’d come here for Kaitlin to confirm her concerns, not… Not turn it around so she was responsible for doing some changing.
“And even beyond being enough or less or not…” Kaitlin reached out and touched Sierra’s stomach. “I hate to break it to you, and I know I’m still new to this motherhood thing, but Mom warned me. Your kids are going to hurt you. Over and over again. When they don’t know any better, and then when they do, too. Because they’re their own people. They get to make their own choices and you can’t control them, or make them what you want them to be. You love them with everything you are, want to save them and protect them and give them everything. And it’s never going to work.”
“Great pep talk, Mom,” Sierra muttered.
Kaitlin laughed. “God, it sounds awful, doesn’t it? I think her point was to not put stress on myself to do all the right things. Because motherhood, and life, don’t work that way. What I’m trying to impart to you, not so well, is that you can’t insulate yourself from hurt. You’re going to be a mother. Things are going to be hard and they’re going to hurt. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong or it’s not worth it. Because the thing that makes it worth it all is love, and this I know even after a few days. The love you feel for that little baby you’re growing in there will knock you flat.”
Sierra would have put her hand over her stomach, but she was holding Ellie with both arms. “How am I going to survive that?” Sierra whispered.
“The same way women always survive it. Working hard, loving fiercely, and asking for help when you need it.”
“So, maybe calling someone when you have to pee and you’re afraid to put the baby down?”
Kaitlin wrinkled her nose, but her mouth curved. “It’s a work in progress. And that’s life too.”
A work in progress. Now that, that made a certain kind of sense. Maybe she didn’t even have to feel like she was good enough for Carter, or comfortable with showing him her cracks, or ready to face everything she was going to have to face.
But maybe she could try. And keep trying. Progress, not perfection.
Because, much to her surprise, she did have a whole legion of people who loved her. Who supported her. If she’d opened up to any one of them before she’d been completely at rock bottom, what might have changed?
What might still change?