Chapter Six
“I’m not going.”
Sierra looked at Lina’s stubborn expression and fought the urge to say good. But as much as she felt some childish desire to have someone on her side, someone being just as upset with Carter as she was…Lina was his sister. And more, Sierra didn’t want Carter alone and hurting. She just wanted her own hurting to stop.
“You should go,” Sierra said firmly walking down the street in front of the hospital with Lina. They were both bundled up against the cold, and Lina would have to go finish her shift soon, but it felt good to get out of her mother’s company for a little bit. Not because it was suffocating or disapproving as Sierra had anticipated, but because she was always five seconds from accidentally letting it slip she was pregnant.
If it was just Mom, she might have told her. But Mom would inevitably tell Dad and Sierra wasn’t ready for that yet. Not when things felt okay between them. Dad hated Carter and blamed him for everything. It might not be true, but it felt good for her father to take her side for once. It felt good to coexist with her parents like… Well, almost like they were friends.
“He might be my brother, but I know whatever happened is all his fault.”
Sierra tucked her chin into the big collar of her coat. She didn’t want to talk about whose fault it was. That always confused her feelings, had her over-examining every second of the past few months and she’d so much rather move on.
No point dwelling in conflict. Love was supposed to be good and supportive and happy. Well, theirs hadn’t turned out to be. The end. Obsessing over the story’s details didn’t change them any.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” Lina demanded.
“For thinking it’s all his fault.”
“Well, it is, isn’t it?”
“I’m sure your parents don’t think so.”
Lina rolled her eyes. “My parents can’t see past their own eyeballs. It’s funny, I used to think it was just because Carter must be so much better than us. Or, after Cole left, that Dad just ignored me because I was lacking in the penis department.”
Sierra snorted out a laugh. Lina could always be counted on to say the frankest, funniest thing.
“But the thing is, I don’t think it’s about Carter really. Whatever warped thing they’ve got going on with him stems from all the…issues. Carter’s been holed up ignoring everything and everyone the past few days, you know. Won’t talk to anyone, even Mom. She’s livid.” Lina smiled.
“I’m sure he’ll be back in no time.”
“Probably,” Lina agreed. “And I still think he’s a jackass at fault but, if it helps you feel better, he isn’t like himself at all.”
Sierra thought about the two interactions she’d had with him today and yesterday. Lina was right. Even though he was still recognizably Carter, there were elements of him that were…off. The snippy comment about her carrying his baby—that wasn’t Carter at all.
“I wish I could just skip ahead till this didn’t hurt anymore,” Sierra grumbled as they turned around and started to head back to the hospital.
“I said that about residency the other day. One of the older doctors gave me this big lecture about enjoying the moments, because they all have pros and cons, and when you move on there will be things you miss.”
“I guess that’s true.”
“I think it’s old-people bullshit.”
Sierra snorted.
“I mean, how is life not going to be more fulfilling once you’ve got your own choices to make?”
“Well, life is full of choices you have to make that you don’t want to. I’d rather not be divorcing your brother. I want it to work. It just doesn’t. It’s not a fun choice, even if it is mine.”
Lina huffed. “Men are turds. I’m going to be alone forever.”
Alone forever. It gave Sierra a little shudder to think of her life stretching before her alone. Except she wouldn’t be. She had a baby coming, and she had her family.
Still she couldn’t help picturing herself alone in bed night after night. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t conjure up a fictional future partner who didn’t have Carter’s beautiful face.
But worse, so much worse, she had no problem picturing Carter with someone else. A doctor probably. A tall blonde doctor who would have eight million degrees, teach their baby French or something, and whisk everything Sierra had ever loved away—including this town.
What an awful, awful thought. And stupid. Because if Carter found someone else, she could too. Maybe not a doctor but a…a… Someone. Who did something.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, sure,” Sierra forced herself to say. “You won’t be alone forever. Someone will come along who’ll make you swallow that sharp tongue of yours. You know, instead of run screaming in the opposite direction.”
It was Lina’s turn to snort. “I won’t hold my breath. Better get back.”
“Don’t stay away from Carter on my account, okay? As much as I appreciate it, I don’t need you to take sides. I want you to be happy, and Carter’s your family. I don’t hate him or anything. I’m frustrated and hurt and upset but I know… It’s not like he purposefully did something to hurt me. We just didn’t work. That’s life, I guess. And you learn from your mistakes and move on to find the things that work.” God, she prayed that was true.
Lina chewed on her lip for a few seconds. “I guess. But it’s hard when you really want something to work and it doesn’t. I really wanted you and Carter to work, and I know you did too.”
Since Sierra felt like crying, she shrugged and looked away. “Yeah, well. I’ll see you around. Maybe we can actually sit down somewhere warm and have lunch next time you have a day off.”
“Yeah. Definitely.”
“Bye, Lina.”
“Bye.”
Sierra huddled into her coat more, but instead of heading for her car, she decided to walk toward the Marietta River. Spring was still weeks if not months off and the wind was cold, but it was a sunny day and something about the brisk walk with Lina had felt refreshing.
Or maybe it was just the talking. The thinking about things instead of trying to ignore them. Maybe that’s what Carter meant with all this five minutes business. Sure, he wanted to keep their marriage alive, but maybe instead of shying away Sierra needed to be strong enough to have those conversations. To create closure. For both of them.
Surely if she could find some closure she’d be able to picture a different future for herself than lonely nights.
Surely.
*
Carter didn’t understand the point of suffering through dinner with his siblings. But then again, he didn’t see much point in suffering through dinner alone.
He wasn’t ready to suffer through dinner with his parents. He couldn’t face them until he had some hope he and Sierra could work things out. No doubt they’d both heard the hospital rumors and he couldn’t stand to think about their reactions.
The thought of listening to what his mother or father had to say about it was… No. He just couldn’t do it. He’d fix things first. That was all there was to it.
So, here he was. Pulling up to where his brother lived, their grandfather’s old house. Going to have dinner with the brother he’d pretty much only ever fought with.
His jaw practically dropped when he realized Lina’s car was already parked there. Not just his brother, but the sister who currently thought he was a self-centered jackass.
Was he sure this was better than being alone?
Well, he was here anyway. He pushed his car into park and then stepped into the quickly falling dusk. It was bitterly cold, the wind whipping against his face making him wish he’d thought to put on a stocking cap even for the short walk to the door.
Still, he moved forward, knocking on the door and stepping inside when Cole opened it. The front door opened right up into the kitchen, the dining table right off the edge.
The room was warm if Lina’s expression was not. She sat at the table, glaring at him.
“Almost ready if you want to sit down,” Cole offered somewhat stiffly.
“Sure,” Carter said, regretting this decision wholly as he walked toward the table. “Hi,” he offered to Lina.
“Hi,” she replied, and he braced himself for something snide as he settled himself into the chair across from her, but she didn’t say anything else.
“First rule of family dinner,” Cole announced, settling a bottle of cheap whiskey at the center of the table. “You say something asshole-ish, you take a shot.”
“I don’t drink,” Lina retorted, her expression mulish.
“Then don’t say something asshole-ish,” Cole replied easily.
Carter could only stare at Cole. Carter still had this image of Cole as a young, angry teenager, even though he’d been back in Marietta these past few months. But Carter hadn’t spent much time with him.
To see him, tall and broad and scarred from a decade of rodeo life, to hear him talk with the kind of assurance and candor Carter wasn’t used to from anyone, it was disorienting. Now he was ordering Carter and Lina about and…
Well, Carter didn’t know how to respond. There were so many things about the past few months that felt like he’d woken up from some decades-long coma. Everything around him foreign and different. His parentage. His siblings. His wife.
Cole shoved a large bowl of some muddy-looking chili in front of him, and then an identical bowl in front of Lina. He went back and got one for himself. “Drinks are on your own.”
Lina rolled her eyes and got back up from the table. “Let me guess. Milk. Beer,” she said pointing to Carter then Cole.
“Water,” Cole said about the same time Carter said, “beer.”
“Don’t tell me things are actually changing around here just when I’m getting close to leaving,” Lina muttered, rummaging through Cole’s kitchen—well, Jess’s kitchen. Cole and Jess’s kitchen.
Yes, things were changing, and for the first time in his life Carter envied Lina a little bit. He should have gone away for his residency. He should have put his foot down. Done Doctors Without Borders or something—anything—for him, not Dad.
Who was not his father.
That still didn’t make any sense to Carter, but it didn’t cut him to the quick quite as painfully as it had at first. In fact, after the events of the past week it almost felt like relief. Any failures he made didn’t reflect on the man who couldn’t abide failure.
Lina placed the drinks on the table and resettled herself. “So, what’s the point of all this, Cole? I don’t really think it’s for fun.”
“Not fun, exactly. But for the future. Our future.”
“Is this some creepy business proposition? Are you going to try to sell me leggings?”
Cole’s expression went puzzled. “What are leggings?” He shook his head. “Whatever. It’s not business. It’s life. The rodeo circuit is heating up and I won’t be able to be gone for just weekends anymore. A good six months of being on the road lies ahead of me, and Jess will be with me some of the time but most of the time she’ll be here. I don’t want to leave her with a nest of surly, bickering McArthurs.”
“Didn’t worry you ten years ago,” Lina pointed out.
“I’d make you take a shot for that except you’re right. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it wasn’t. But I’m not eighteen anymore and neither are you.” He turned his gaze to Carter. “Or you. We’re adults. I don’t know about you two, but I have a future to build. I’m going to marry Jess once we’re ready. We’re going to have a family at some point. Here, in Marietta. Home. I need to know… I can’t fix Mom and Dad. Maybe they don’t even need fixing. I don’t know. But if I’m going to build a family here, I want the McArthur name to mean something to my family, or for them. Not the way it means something to Dad. I want it to mean they have a family. Support, no matter what choices they make. Love. Security.”
Carter blinked down at his dreary-looking chili. A family. He’d been so wrapped up in getting Sierra back, he’d focused more on the idea of pregnancy than family. Focused more on the science of it than the end result. Children. A child. There was going to be a living, breathing child. His child.
Cole wasn’t even married or procreating and he was thinking about his future family. What he wanted for them.
And Carter was going to be a father in the rather near future. He needed to be thinking about these kinds of things too. His child as a being rather than a murky idea.
“I don’t know how you’re going to make that happen, Cole. We’re all warped. We’ve always been warped,” Lina said.
It matched Carter’s own thoughts on the matter, but something about thinking about the future unlocked some other feeling inside of him. A kind of denial or refusal.
No, he didn’t want this for his kids. Having to be perfect or thinking they were better only to reach their thirties and realize it was all a bunch of manipulative bullshit. It kept you apart and alone and…wrong, somehow. In ways you couldn’t quite figure out.
No, he didn’t want that for his kids. He wanted a bright, warm world for them and God knew Sierra would give that to the child, but he wanted to as well. He wanted to live in that warmth. The three of them.
“I’d rather be single forever than be like them,” Lina muttered. “Don’t know why it took so long to see it.”
“I think they love each other in their warped way,” Cole offered.
“Why do you think that?”
“Did you watch them when they announced Dad’s diagnosis and Carter’s… Well. They reached out. Held on to each other. Maybe they’re not the best people, but maybe they’re not the worst either. They’re not monsters. Warped, yeah. Wrong, definitely. But they’re…human too.”
Lina looked incredibly dubious, but Carter figured Cole had a point. It wasn’t one he could untangle or process right here in this instant, but there was something to them not being evil monsters, or perfect saints. Something about that messy gray area he’d always shied away from.
He didn’t particularly want to dive into it now, but he didn’t want to lose Sierra. He didn’t want to be a crappy brother to his siblings, and he didn’t want to be a man made out of the perfect McArthur image.
Not just because it was a lie, but because it wasn’t worth upholding if it meant a life without the people he loved. Without being free to love them in other ways than he was used to.
For the first time in his entire life, he understood why Sierra had said she couldn’t be a McArthur and be happy.
Now if he only knew how to convince her being a McArthur didn’t have to mean that unhappiness anymore.