Nova
It’s hot, well above ninety, but there’s a breeze so it’s not entirely miserable.
I walk through the park, my thoughts going round and round.
I want things to be different. I don’t want to feel the way I do. But it can’t be helped and it’s not getting any better.
It’s been two months and the only thing I feel is emptiness.
I’m worried no one, and nothing, can fill the void that lives inside me now.
Jace … God, he tries. He tries so hard to make me happy, to be there, but the problem is I don’t want him to be there. I want to not be reminded constantly of what we lost, and Jace is definitely a constant reminder.
People tried to tell me in the beginning I could have another baby. I’m healthy and there’s nothing wrong with me, but it was the worst thing they could say. I don’t want another baby. I want Beckett.
It’s his due date today. I don’t know if Jace remembers, he hasn’t said anything, but I’m sure he does. He’s not the type to forget something like that.
I sit down on a bench, beneath the shade of a tree.
A runner passes by, her breaths heavy and her feet thudding against the pavement.
A couple comes next, holding hands and blissfully happy.
Then a mother with a stroller.
And on and on the people pass by, smiles on their faces, enjoying the beautiful summer day. Yet, here I am, sitting alone, and miserable.
I pull out my phone, staring at the blank screen and take a deep breath.
I need to get out of here.
I need to go somewhere new and unfamiliar, where there aren’t reminders of what my life used to be like before all this.
Nova: Can I crash on your couch?
The reply comes almost instantaneously.
Owen: You’re in the city?
Nova: Not yet but I’m thinking of coming.
Owen: Yeah, sure. You can crash with me. The place is small, but it’s decent.
Owen: I know I didn’t contact you after you told me. I guess I was shocked. But I’m really sorry.
I inhale a breath.
Nova: It’s okay.
Owen: When are you coming?
Nova: As soon as I can.
Owen: Give me the details and I’ll pick you up.
Nova: Okay. Thank you.
Owen: You know I’d do anything for you.
“I know,” I whisper, though he’s not there to hear it.
I open my web browser and search for the quickest flight out. I find one in four hours and I take it. It gives me enough time to pack some clothes and get to the airport.
I tuck my phone away and start the lonely walk back to the apartment.
I look up as I get there and spot Jace’s feet dangling from the fire escape.
I close my eyes.
He’s going to hate me for this.
He should. You’ve done nothing but push him away and now you’re leaving. The final act of betrayal. He’ll never love you after this.
I swallow thickly.
How can he love me, when I don’t even love myself? I have to learn to love myself again. I have to do this.
I step into the lobby of the building in a daze and take the elevator up.
I’m terrified to tell him—worried he’ll try to change my mind.
But I know there’s nothing he can do or say that’ll make a difference.
I knock on the door and wait.
He opens the door and looks at me quizzically. “Did you forget your key?”
I shake my head—I already feel like I don’t live here. Like this isn’t my home.
I step inside and take a breath before facing him, my chin held high.
“I’m leaving.”
He gapes at me, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. “W-What? What do you mean?”
I squish my eyes closed and pop them open, meeting his pained gaze. It cuts me to the core, but I don’t mind it because at least I feel something.
“I mean, I can’t do this. I can’t keep staying here and pretending nothing is wrong when everything is a disaster.”
“I-I … We can fix this.”
I shake my head. “I’m too broken. You can’t fix this for me, Jace. God, I wish you could.” I fight tears. “But I have to fix myself, and I can’t do it here.”
“Where are you going? Are you staying with Xander and Thea? Cade and Rae? Joel?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“No?” He looks at me quizzically. “Where the fuck are you going then? Not back to your parents?”
I shake my head again. In a small voice I say, “I’m going to see Owen.”
He laughs but there’s no humor in it. “You’re kidding, right?”
“No,” I say softly. “I need a change of scenery, a change of pace.”
He glowers at me. “You mean you don’t need me?”
“Jace …”
He laughs again. “This is rich.” He grabs at his hair and then meets my eyes with his pain filled ones. “Why are you doing this to us? I love you. My life means nothing without you.”
I fight back a flood of tears. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t leave,” he pleads. “We can work this out. I’ll go somewhere if that’s what it takes. But please, don’t leave,” he begs.
“I have to do this. I have to.”
“How long will you be gone?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. A few days. A month. However long it takes.”
He stares at me, the distance between us growing though neither of us moves.
“Are we breaking up?” he finally asks. “Just tell me, Nova. Don’t give me false hope.” He takes a shuddering breath and his face flashes with pain. “Are you going to Owen because you still love him?”
“I don’t love him,” I say adamantly. “I told you, I need a change of scenery and I can’t do that here. I need to be somewhere entirely new that isn’t a constant reminder of what I lost here—”
“Fuck you, Nova,” he spits. “I lost him too. This didn’t only happen to you. This happened to both of us.” He waves his hand back and forth.
“It’s different for you,” I defend.
“Different how?” His brows furrow. “Because I’m a man? I’m the one who wanted to have a baby first, remember? I wanted him too. I heard his heartbeat. I felt him move inside you. I felt his life. I’m still grieving too, so fuck you for acting like you’re alone in this.”
I wince at his words. “Please don’t hate me.”
A muscle in his jaw ticks. “I wish I could hate you—God, I wish I could, because you’re breaking my fucking heart. But I could never hate you.”
“I’ll be back,” I promise. “This isn’t forever.”
“Funny, because it feels like it is.”