Chapter Fifteen

 

MANDY

Cas is in a mood. He’s been quietly thunderous for almost two weeks now. Sure, he’s been careful not to yell at me, but I can tell he’s grouchy. I just don’t know why. A couple times I caught him staring at me, and the look on his face was enough to make me want to fly into his arms, but even if I wasn’t getting close to Sam I couldn’t. Cas made it obvious he doesn’t actually want me. He doesn’t want anybody getting that close.

Right now though, I need something from him, and he’s always helpful so I march out to the yard where he’s putting Soldier through his paces. I want to ask the history of the horse. Why he’s so well trained, and how he learned to dance like that, but any time I try to get Cas to talk about it he shuts down hard. Only yesterday, I’d asked how long he’d been into horses and he scowled at me and stormed away to the other end of the yard without a word. When I approached Claire, she’d told me Cas was the only one who should tell his story.

God, I hope he’s in a better mood today. Because I need a huge favor.

Soldier’s ears prick and swivel as he picks up the sound of me coming at the same time Cas lifts his head. His gaze is like warm chocolate running over my bare skin. “Mandy.”

I pop one pink cowboy boot on the bottom railing and start my climb to the top. He never takes his eyes off me. I can feel his attention like static electricity over my calves and up my thighs. Across the white Daisy Dukes I picked out in the hopes he would be mollified by them. He roams his gaze higher, giving me belly flutters that remind me of the first time I stood on this fence and watched him. I thought I’d only get butterflies for Sam because he’s meant to be my Mister Right, but Cas is the one who really makes me nervous and tingly. My nipples pebble inside my Rainbow Brite cropped T-shirt. By the time he gets to my face I’m blushing from head to toe, my insides burning and clenching over what I’m about to do. “Could I talk to you?”

“Yep.”

He doesn’t make a move to come closer, so I swing one leg over the fence and then the other. Holding onto the top rail, I turn and drop down in the yard. “Are you mad at me or something?”

“Nope.” He scratches Soldier’s neck, giving his attention to the horse.

I’ve seen him a time or two without his shirt on, but he’s always been too far away for me to see his tattoos. His whole side is covered from his front to his spine. There’s a mess of things; horses up on two legs in a line, a girl in a top hat, landmarks, dates. I touch his shoulder blade and he hisses like I’ve hurt him.

“I’m sorry. I’ve never seen them up close. They’re beautiful.”

“They’re scars,” he says.

“Scars?” I stare at them, run my hands over his skin that ripples as his muscles contract underneath, but the skin is smooth and unmarred beneath the patchwork. “Do you mean they cover scars? Is this something to do with why you’re always worried about accidents?”

He shrugs as he turns around. “What do you need?”

Here we go. Deep breath. “I need you to have sex with me.”

His eyebrows shoot up and he laughs. “Okay then.”

“Phew.” I exhale and grin. “That was much easier than I thought it was going to be.”

“Wait, what? You’re serious?” He gapes.

“Yes.”

“No way.” He glowers at me before turning away and stomping across the yard.

I hurry after him, rushing my words. If I don’t get them out now I may not be able to. “Sam asked me to dinner. That has to mean he’s finally opening up to the idea of us being together. But I lied to him and told him I wasn’t a virgin.”

“You told him you weren’t?” He slows down for a step, but doesn’t stop.

“He told me I was too young and innocent, remember?”

“Did you ever think maybe you are?” He whirls around and I almost crash into his chest, which jerks up and down with each breath he takes.

“Why are you being mean, Cas?” He’s always been the first person to tell me I can have what I want. What I set my mind to. And now he’s telling me the opposite?

“Why are you being ridiculous?”

“Oh come on, Cas. You know it’s not a big deal, right? It’s just sex.” I plant my hands on my hips, my feet in the dirt. Only sex with one of the hottest, sweetest guys I’ve ever been attracted to. And yes, it’s probably a stupid idea given how close we’ve gotten, but then isn’t that a good reason he should be the one? He should definitely be the one.

“It’s a huge deal. Massive.”

“As big as your cock?” Because I can see the hard outline of his erection pressed between his thigh and tight denim, and it’s scary big. Almost enough for me to tell him to forget about my virginity because if I’m snug around my vibrator there is no way he’s going to fit.

He stares at me as all the color leaches from his skin. His face, his hands, his magnificent torso all pale. “Yup.” He carves tracks in his dark hair with his fingers. “That’s exactly how big.”

Then he pivots on his heel and heads straight for Soldier.

“Wait up,” I plead, following after him. “Please explain it to me?”

“Nope.” Swinging onto the horse’s back he barks a command and… the horse doesn’t move.

I cant my head to the side and try to comprehend what’s happening. Man and beast have always been in sync until now. This is the first time his horse hasn’t done exactly what he’s told it to do.

“Come on, you stubborn ass.” Cas smacks the stallion’s flank with his palm. It shifts from hoof to hoof but doesn’t move an inch forward.

“Please talk to me.” I sidle up to the two of them. “I don’t understand how this can be such a big deal.”

“You wouldn’t.” He pushes the heel of his boots into Soldier’s side. The horse still refuses to move.

I reach out and stroke my hand down its smooth neck, which is rougher under my palm than I expected. This is the closest I’ve gotten to the four-legged beast. The closest Cas has ever let me get. “Is it because it’s me? You don’t want to have sex with me?”

“Fucking hell,” he swears softly under his breath. That deep pain that sometimes takes over his face is etched on it now. His shoulders slump and he reaches for me. “Come on then.”

I slip my hand into his, and he grips it tight, pulling me up behind him. Soldier moves forward a few steps and Cas brings my hands around his waist, lacing them over his lap. “Hold on.”

Resting my cheek against his sundrenched shoulder, I tighten my grip while Soldier takes off into the field beyond the yard.

I can’t believe I’m twenty-three years old and this is the first time I’ve ever ridden a horse. I should have done this a long time ago. Soldier flies through the field, the powerful equine moving with animalistic grace, and Cas feels like a part of the animal with how well he rides, despite my clinging to him. I scream when he spurs Soldier on and we fly over a low fence, a fallen tree. I shut my eyes when we duck to avoid a broken branch. We don’t slow down until the open field is so far behind us I can’t see it. And in front of us is forest. Trees and rocks and scraggy landscape that veers sharply up on one side of us. At that point we slow, swaying together with each step as Soldier picks his way along a dry creek bed.

Cas’s skin is damp against my own from the heat, and several flies land on his shoulders. I brush them away and his muscles jump under my hand, then he eases into my touch. So I don’t stop. I explore the hard muscles of his shoulders, the bumps of his spine, the pictures that wind their way down his side. A grapevine, a ring, a knife; everything tumbling and falling and melting into one of those huge pots he likes to use in the kitchen. “These are figurative, aren’t they? Your scars?”

“A roadmap,” he grumbles. “Of where I’ve been. I didn’t always think of them as scars. They were the moments. The important ones. The highlights. Things I never wanted to forget.”

“Is this Soldier?” I trace the gray dappled stallion.

“Yup.”

“And this?” I point to the knife.

“The first time I got my own set of chef’s knives.”

“And the four stars in a line?” I press my fingertip to each one.

“Michelin stars.” He straightens up. I can practically tell from the way he shifts that he’s proud of them.

“What about the girl?” I bite my lip. She has a story hidden in that top hat, I’m sure. The idea of someone being as close to Cas as I’ve gotten over the summer doesn’t sit right. I don’t know why. Soon I’ll be happily dating Sam, and I want Cas to be happy. He’s one of the nicest people I know when he’s not grouching. He’s my very best friend these days. Of course I want him to be happy with somebody else. Don’t I?

“Get off,” he says, his spine rigid.

“A touchy subject?” Sometimes I talk too much, and I should think about what I say in advance, but I never do.

“Off,” he repeats gruffly, but then he twists and helps me off Soldier’s back before joining me on the ground.

“What are we doing here?” My thighs are partly numb from riding. They’ll probably hurt tomorrow, but it will be worth it. “Are you going to explain why the idea of having sex with me is so horrifying?”

Cas moves toward me, but he doesn’t answer my question.

“It’s only two naked, sweaty bodies getting off together. It’s just your dick in my vagina.” It might be a little more than I’m making out with the words that are coming out of my mouth and the hammering of my pulse as he walks me back.

He growls as my butt meets one of the thick tree trunks.

The gnarled bark scratches roughly at my skin. “It’s no different from when I fuck myself with my vibrator, surely? We’ve kissed a couple times. I thought maybe you were attracted to me, otherwise I wouldn’t have asked. Did I get it wrong? Why don’t you say anything?”

“Could I get a word in edgewise? Can you ever stop talking?” He’s looking at me like he wants something. So serious and dark.

“I don’t know. Maybe.” His hooded gaze roves my shoulders, my breasts. My nipples pebble under it, and I gasp as arousal floods me. This is why he has to be the one. My first time. “Can you ever tell me exactly what’s on your mind?”

“Fine,” he whispers. “Even if I wanted to, I couldn’t have sex with you. I can’t have sex with anyone.”

“I don’t understand. What? Why? How come? Does your dick not work because it’s so huge? It looks like it should work fine.” I reach out to brush my fingers along his zip over the hardness of his erection.

He groans, his hand finding the tree above my head as he angles his whole body to mine. His mouth is right beside mine, his hot breath lances my cheek. “It works fine. It’s just, fuck, I don’t even know where to begin.”

I cup him through his jeans, squeeze and rub his cock. I want to see it, want to hold the entirety of it in my hand and see how he reacts. I watch his face and listen to the sounds that come from him over what I’m doing. Something deep inside me pulses with need. An ache like I’ve never had makes me whimper. I want to be filled.

He swears, hot against my ear, grabs my hand and pulls it away from his groin. Twining my fingers with his he holds it by my side while he finds the button on my shorts. When it pops open I jump and the bark drags at my back. His fingers dig into the waist of my shorts, his entire palm flat against my abdomen as he slides it down between my legs. There’s not enough space for him to touch me properly, but the slight brush of his finger over my clit makes my knees bow, and I lurch forward.

He catches my mouth and kisses me hard, and I wind an arm around his neck. Maybe I didn’t know what I was missing out on, keeping my love for my vibrator. He tugs his hand from my panties and shoves them along with my shorts down my legs. Then he sinks to his knees, his fingers trailing over my skin from my shorts and panties around my ankles to the inside of my knee.

This is all happening so fast. But I want it. I want his hands on me. His face so close to my pussy I can’t stop thinking about his tongue, anticipating it. My body screams for it. My clit pulses. Maybe in the heat of the moment he’ll fuck me anyway? I would if it was me. He’d be too impossible to resist.

He slides his palms between my thighs, presses until I widen my stance. A low moan leaves his lips as he cups one of my ass cheeks, grips it hard enough to leave a bruised map of his fingerprints and pulls my pussy to meet his lips.

Holymotherofagoodlordfuckingshitonabiscuit. His tongue is wet and rasps over my clit, sending pleasure ricocheting through me as he licks at me unhurriedly. The rough calluses on his knuckles as he breaches me with a finger stirs more sensation. He pushes in deep as he laps and nips at my swollen, tender flesh. I’m so sensitive that when he sucks me between his teeth I grasp fistfuls of his hair in both hands and whine, “More, Cas, please.”

There are a million other words that I want to shout after that as a flock of birds twitter across the sky. Deeper. Harder. Faster. Fuck me. More. More. More.

The tree at my back thrums as he thrusts me back against it so roughly the trunk shudders. I vibrate too, with need. I need to know what he would feel like inside me while I come. But he’s twisting and scissoring two fingers inside me, and my arousal is slippery on my inner thighs. And his mouth. My God, his mouth is the best thing on this planet. My insides are clenching. Squeezing rhythmically around his fingers as I slam my eyes shut and ride the sensation that is so much better than I expected it would be. Until my legs don’t want to hold me up anymore. Until my voice is weak and almost croaky.

He finally slows and then relents, pulling up my panties and shorts before climbing to his feet. He swipes the back of his hand across his wet lips, and then shoves his hands in his pockets.

“That was a first for me,” I say, still trying to catch my breath. “A very good first.”

“It’s not what you wanted.” He shrugs. “But maybe you’ll know whether perfect Sam’s actually good at giving you what you want when he finally takes you to bed for real.”

Funny. I haven’t thought about Sam since Cas pushed my back to that tree. I thought I’d maybe compare the pair. That I’d have Cas show me the ropes, and the whole time I would be analyzing how it would work with Sam. But he never once crossed my mind. All I could see was Cas. All I could feel was his touch. But he’s right. I have to remember what I really want, what will make me whole. I’m smart enough to know that attraction isn’t everything. Attraction fades. Lust dies. That’s why I used my head when I chose Summer’s brother. I have to remember that. “I’m sure he will.”

“He can give you things I can’t.” Cas continues walking down the narrow gulley toward where Soldier grazes.

“Like his cock?” It’s not that I’m thinking about Sam’s cock. Really, I just want to know what happened to Cas to make him give up anything that feels as good as what he did to me. “Why don’t you have sex?”