Chapter Forty
Josh made two sandwiches—one for each of us. He also set a bottle of honey mustard on the table for dipping, which turned out to be a delicious surprise.
“Thank you,” I said with a sigh as we finished. “That really hit the spot.”
“Poof.” He waved a hand. “All the troubles of the day disappear.”
“I wish,” I replied.
With a nod of understanding, he carried the plates to the sink. “Let’s go sit down for a bit.”
Anticipation rose in my chest—a strange, joyful energy that had been a distraction all day long. It was why I felt compelled to come here tonight.
Sliding my chair back, I followed him into the living room where we sat facing each other at opposite ends of the sofa. I folded one leg up under me, rested my cheek on a hand.
“I don’t know how I’d be surviving all this without you,” I said.
“When in fact,” he replied, “none of it would even be happening if not for me. Maybe you should be yelling at me right now.”
I softly laughed. “You’re right. You’re like a grenade someone threw into my world.” I pondered that for a moment. “Was it Leah who pulled the pin and pitched it? Or is it crazy for me to even think that? Now I’m starting to wonder if maybe I’m the one who needs therapy because everyone knows…there’s no such thing as ghosts.”
Josh nodded. “I know what you’re saying. I’m still not sure I didn’t dream the whole thing, even though it felt real. I’ve been trying to tell myself it was a hallucination because of the pain killers and the coma. That’s a lot easier to accept. And everything did feel a bit surreal whenever she was in the room. At least it seems that way looking back on it.”
“How will we ever know?” I asked him. “It’s not like you can prove it was real, to yourself or anyone else. If we’re going to play devil’s advocate, maybe what you learned about Riley was in your subconscious somehow because you’d seen or heard things that didn’t register at the time. But still…I find myself looking around, stopping and listening, wondering if Leah is nearby, watching over me. I feel her sometimes, but maybe I just don’t want to let her go. Maybe I’m floating in a sea of grief where I can’t see the shore.” I stared at the wall for a moment, then completely fell apart and shed some tears.
Josh gathered me into his arms.
“You must think I’m a total basket case,” I said, hiccupping as I labored to collect myself.
“You buried your sister a week ago,” he gently replied. “Give yourself a break. This is normal, and I’m sorry if I’ve made things complicated.” He continued to rub his hand over my shoulder. “You know what else is strange?”
I wiped a finger under my nose and peered up at him. “What?”
“I’m glad I got shot.”
I pulled away and managed a smile as I wiped the tears from eyes. “That is strange.”
“It hurt like hell, of course,” he continued, “but now that I’m sitting here, I think it was worth it.”
He pulled me into his arms again and I leaned into the strength of his upper body. His shirt smelled clean, like it had just been laundered. I breathed in the intoxicating scent as if my life depended on it.
As he stroked his hand lightly over my back, I closed my eyes and relaxed while a tremendous sense of well-being washed over me.
How odd… I’d just buried my sister, yet I felt like I was floating.
* * *
“How is it possible you’re not in a relationship?” I asked Josh a short while later when he returned to the sofa with a roll of tissue from the bathroom—because my eyes were as puffy as cotton balls.
“I guess I’ve had a run of bad luck,” he replied as he handed me the roll and sat down again.
I tore off a long section and blew my nose, then wiped both my eyes. “How so?”
“Dear, sweet Mother of God, where to begin…” He smiled at me. “If you really want to know the embarrassing truth, there’s an engagement ring sitting in a box in a drawer in my bedroom because I was fool enough to want to propose to a woman who was in love with another guy.”
I set the roll of tissue on the coffee table. “That sucks. When did it happen?”
“She dumped me the same day I got shot,” Josh said.
My head drew back in astonishment. “You’re kidding.”
“No, and maybe that’s why I was so reckless that night. I wasn’t suicidal or anything, but I was definitely wound up.”
“How long were you with her?”
“About a year, but it’s a bizarre story.”
By this time, we were sitting close, facing each other on the sofa. I lay my hand on Josh’s thigh. “Tell me?”
He took a deep breath and let it out. “You sure?” I nodded. “All right. Her name was Carla and she was married before and had a daughter, but her supposed-to-be husband had died in a plane crash somewhere up north in Canada. After we’d been together for a while, she got a call saying that they’d found him alive, floating on an iceberg somewhere in the North Atlantic, so she had to fly up there and be with him in the hospital. But as it turned out, it wasn’t her husband after all, but some other passenger on the plane who had her husband’s belongings.”
“That’s horrible,” I said.
“Yeah. It was pretty rough on her. Then she fell in love with the guy after only a couple of days and decided she needed to be with him instead of me.”
I clasped Josh’s hand. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s all right,” he replied with a shrug. “I took it pretty hard at first, but then I woke up from the coma and something like that puts everything in perspective, you know? You just feel grateful to be alive and you start to understand what’s meant to be—or not meant to be.”
His expression stilled and grew serious. I wondered if perhaps he wasn’t truly over this woman, or at least he hadn’t gotten over the betrayal.
“I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”
He nodded. “What about Paul? I can’t imagine he’d be too happy if he could see you right now, sitting with me, especially if he knew you were probably going to spend the night here.”
“That’s bold,” I said, secretly impressed by Josh’s confidence.
“I didn’t mean it that way,” he replied with a slow, boyish grin. “I fully intend to sleep on the sofa again.”
I smiled. “I’m not worried about that, but you’re right. I should be calling him. He texted me earlier and like a coward, I stuffed the phone back into my purse.”
“Why?”
“Because I just didn’t feel like replying. Which makes me feel guilty because he’s such a good guy. I don’t know why I’m avoiding talking to him, but it was a rough day. All I wanted to do was come here. I’m just not ready to face the world.”
Josh inclined his head. “I don’t want to hold you back from your responsibilities. I mean, I want to help you. I want to see you and everything, but I don’t want to cause problems.”
I snuggled closer to rest my head on his shoulder. “You’re not causing problems.”
I yawned and let my eyes fall closed for a minute. Then I woke some time later with the vague sensation that I was being carried off to bed in the arms of a big man who smelled clean, like the outdoors.
Groggily, I opened my eyes just as Josh set me down on the mattress in his room and covered me with a blanket. “You’re very strong,” I said.
“And you’re light as a feather,” he replied in a whisper. “What time do you need to get up?”
“I have an 8:30 class. And I want to send an email to Riley tomorrow.”
“I’ll knock at 7:00,” he replied. “Go to sleep. Don’t worry about anything.”
That was all I remembered before the sun came up and as promised, there was a light knock at the door.