CHAPTER NINE

After a little while, Ethan felt human again. It was hard to divorce what had just happened from what he had come here to do, but once he was sitting up straight on a chair again and sex didn’t feel like it was on the table—though he had no idea, because with Max, it always felt like sex was on the table—he wanted to finish the conversation that he had come here to have.

This time, Max had brought him a glass of diet soda. He was taking sips as Max stared at him, not saying anything. Ethan knew he was the one who had to start this conversation, but he was still recovering.

He set his gaze right on Max’s face before he spoke. “You shouldn’t drop out,” Ethan said.

“Oh?”

“Look,” Ethan replied, looking away from Max. “I understand that good politicians are needed in the world. You have the opportunity to really affect change. I looked you up.”

Max grinned. “I guess once a journalist, always a journalist.”

“You’re a good person,” Ethan said, shaking his head. “I mean, a bit of a weirdo, but a good person nevertheless.”

“Thanks, Ethan.”

Ethan waved his hand in front of his face. “You need to run,” he said.

Max nodded. “I am,” he said. “Just not this time.”

“No,” Ethan said, his voice breaking when he spoke. He was surprised at how emotional he felt. “You don’t know if you’ll be able to run next time, Max. You don’t know that you’ll even be here tomorrow. You need to run while you can.”

Max watched him. When he spoke, his voice was sweet, low. He wasn’t close enough to Ethan to touch him, but Ethan could tell that Max’s hand would have been on him if the two had just been closer to each other. “Ethan,” he said. “I know you’re concerned, but I’m in no rush.”

“You should probably reconsider that,” Ethan said, an edge of anger creeping into his voice. He didn’t realize how strongly he would feel about this, but he hated that Max was taking the future for granted. “You don’t know—”

“I know,” Max said, waving his hand in front of his face. “But I don’t want a fake boyfriend to win. I want… I don’t know, I guess it’s a little silly, but I want to be myself. That’s how I want to win.”

Ethan cocked his head. “What’s wrong with being single?”

“Nothing,” Max said, after a little while. “If you’re straight. But if you’re gay and you’re single, you have to be some sort of weird pervert. They’re okay with politicians being gay as long as they’re basically housewives, you know, with the white picket fence, the expensive dog and an adopted baby. But if you’re single, voters think you’re a pervert.”

“That’s not fair,” Ethan said. While Max was answering, Ethan was thinking about how horrible the idea of Max being single was, but also how horrible the idea of him being with someone else was. He didn’t know which one he preferred, because both of them seemed like absolutely terrible choices.

“Yeah, no shit,” Max said, shrugging his shoulders. “That’s politics. Without a boyfriend, I lose. It’s a dead certain.”

“So get a boyfriend,” Ethan replied. “I mean, that seems pretty easy. You’re a good-looking, successful and interesting guy. You’re a bit of a prick, but that just means you’re a lot of guys’ types.”

“Thanks?”

“Take it,” Ethan said. “It was a compliment.”

“Thank you,” Max replied. “Seriously. But I can’t just go out and get a boyfriend.”

“Why?”

“Well, a variety of reasons,” Max replied. “The first one is that this boyfriend has to be perfect. He needs to have political clout, he needs to be out, he needs to be a relatively successful professional in his own right.”

“So he has to be perfect,” Ethan said.

Max nodded. “Yes,” he said. “He has to be the perfect political wife. And he has to be okay with that, too.”

“Right,” Ethan replied, licking his lips.

“I’m not going to be able to find someone like that,” Max said. “Not someone that wants to do that, in any case. What sort of successful, good-looking man wants something like that so quickly?”

Ethan furrowed his brow. He stared at Max as he felt the realization wash over him like cold water. He didn’t know how he was supposed to react to this, because it felt like every assumption he had made about Max was wrong. “You don’t want something transactional,” Ethan said, more to himself than to Max.

“No,” Max replied, shrugging his shoulders. “Call me a sap, but I would rather have something real. If there’s anything I’ve learned since meeting you, it’s that.”

“You learned that from me?”

“Sure,” Max said, smiling at him. “And I have a feeling I could learn a lot more.”

Ethan swallowed. His heart was beating fast. “I’ll be your fake boyfriend,” he said. “If you want me to.”

Max furrowed his brow. “So you can think of your dead fiancé while we fuck?”

His voice was quiet, his tone kind, but the words were searing. Ethan blinked. “That’s not fair.”

“I know,” Max said. “But I need to know, Ethan. If you’re thinking of him when we’re intimate, truthfully, I want to be okay with that. I just… I don’t think I am.”

Ethan shook his head. He wanted to say that he had never thought about Alois when the two of them had been having sex, but that wasn’t what Max had asked. They had only known each other for a few days, but Ethan knew what Max meant. Every moment that they were together, even moments when they weren’t touching, when they weren’t even talking, those could have been intimate moments.

But they hadn’t been, because Max had reminded Ethan of Alois so much. Both because of the way he looked, so similar to the man Ethan had loved so much, and because of the way he made Ethan feel.

All of it scared him. He didn’t know what the fuck he was supposed to do about it. He set his gaze on Max and swallowed. “I want to tell you that you’re wrong.”

Max nodded. To Ethan’s horror, he saw that there were tears welling up in his eyes. “I know,” he said. “I wish you could.”

Ethan swallowed again, fighting against the lump in his throat. “I can’t.”

Max nodded. “I get it,” he said. “But you’re right. I don’t want something transactional.”

Ethan nodded. He got to his feet, ignoring how light-headed he felt, and brushed himself off. “Thank you for… thank you,” he muttered. “I should get going.”

Max said something, but Ethan wasn’t paying attention anymore.

***

Alois had been on the bed, completely naked, with only a flimsy white blanket to cover him. Ethan had smiled for a second before he cleared his throat.

Alois had turned to look at him. “Silver,” he’d said. “We should get silver bands. Gold is tacky.”

Ethan had sighed. “Sure,” he said. “Silver is fine. Listen, babe, I just got off the phone.”

“I know,” Alois said. “With the wedding planner, right?”

Ethan had swallowed. He remembered promising Alois he would be getting in touch with her that day, but that was before his boss had called. “No,” he replied. “With Katie.”

Alois had sat up immediately. “Katie? Katie Draper, your boss?”

Ethan had nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed, just close enough to his fiancé so that he could reach out and touch him. “Yes,” he said.

Alois had pinched the bridge of his nose. “You didn’t,” he’d said.

“It’s just one assignment,” Ethan had replied. “They only need me for a couple of months. There is this place in Egypt which has been the center of this huge undercover American operation and now everything seems to be—”

“Don’t,” Alois had said. “Don’t explain the assignment.”

“Babe…”

“You took it, didn’t you?” Alois had said, shaking his head and looking down at his lap.

“It’s a month-long assignment,” Ethan had said. “It’s not going to interfere with our plans, Al. It’s not going to interfere with our wedding.”

“Really?” Alois had replied, raising his eyebrows. “You think the fact that you’re going away for a month isn’t going to interfere with our wedding?”

“It’s just a month,” Ethan said. “I’m going to come home and—”

“And you’re going to have expected me to do all the work, so our wedding will all be my doing by the time you get back,” Alois had said. “This is our wedding, Ethan. Not my wedding. If you want to—”

“No,” Ethan had said, waving his hand in front of his face. “No, no, I don’t want to do that. I’m here.”

“You’re not.”

Ethan had shaken his head. “Yes, babe, I’m here,” he’d replied. “I’m all in.”

“Call her back,” Alois had said in a whisper. “Tell her you can’t take the job.”

“Babe, you know I can’t do that,” Ethan had said. “I…”

“You already took it,” Alois had replied. Then he had scoffed, shaking his head. “I can’t believe it. You took the job without even consulting me.”

“I couldn’t just let it pass me by,” Ethan had replied. “This is an amazing opportunity and my career matters to me.”

Alois had tutted. “Your career,” he’d said. “Your career is the only thing that matters to you. If—if you cared about me half as much as you care about your career, this wouldn’t be happening right now.”

“That’s not fair,” Ethan had said.

“Whatever,” Alois had replied. “You made your priorities clear.”

“You’re my priority, Al.”

“Sure I am,” Alois had replied. “Just get out, okay? I don’t want to deal with this right now.”

***

Ethan had barely walked through the door of his apartment when he turned his cellphone on. He’d turned it off when he had gotten out of the car to walk into Max’s place and had forgotten all about it while they were talking. It beeped in the palm of his hand as he received a barrage of notifications. He sighed, looking down at it.

He expected to see a few messages from his sister. He didn’t expect to see so many, including several voicemails. Something had to have happened. Before he checked the messages, he called his sister back.

“Rosemary?”

“Ethan, finally,” she said. “Where were you?”

“Out,” Ethan replied. “What happened? Are you okay?”

“Yes,” she said. “I’m… yes, I’m fine.”

Ethan blinked. “Is that why I have a million missed calls?”

“No,” she replied. “I know. I needed to calm down before calling you, I just couldn’t help myself. I need, fuck, Ava and I need your help.”

“Of course,” he replied, his heart beating fast. “What happened?”

“After Kelsey threw you out, we got into a huge fight,” Rosemary said. “He was furious. He kept telling me to get over it. I kept saying I didn’t think I could get over what he had done and then Ava come into the bedroom. She asked what he had done.”

“She doesn’t know?”

“She knows a bit,” Rosemary replied after a little while. “She knows what was in the papers. I’ve managed to protect her from some of the more… difficult things.”

“Oh, Rosemary…”

“Or at least I had, until today,” Rosemary said. “She doesn’t want to see her father. She doesn’t want to deal with him. She’s inconsolable and every time she sees him, she gets really upset. We left the apartment.”

“You did?”

“Yes,” she said. “I already made reservations at a hotel, but I think it wouldn’t be great for Ava to be somewhere she doesn’t know. And I can’t call Mom because—”

Ethan snickered. “Yeah, don’t even think about calling Mom,” he said. “My couch is a fold-out. I can sleep there.”

“Ethan, we—”

“No,” he replied. “You’re family. You stay here for as long as you want, okay?”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Ethan replied. “Absolutely. I’m very sure.”