Eventually her tears ended and she sat, legs crossed like a schoolgirl, looking at both headstones.
The plots were edged with granite and covered in small, pinkish, marble-like stones. She picked one up and tossed it from hand to hand.
‘Did you ever think you’d see me again. Mum? After the last time? I never thought I’d be back, that’s for sure. The prodigal daughter?’ She laughed. ‘No fatted calf for me, though, is there, Mum? You made that very clear.’
A butterfly, possibly a cabbage white, she thought, rose from a patch of white clover and flew around her hand before settling on her father’s headstone. Opening and closing its wings, it basked in the warmth of the day.
‘Poppa, did Mum ever tell you about me coming back?’
Sennen shut her eyes against the daylight that was suddenly too sharp, too bright.
In her darkness, she saw her mother again, opening the front door to her. Adela had stiffened the moment she had seen Sennen. Her smile had dropped, her knuckles clenching the door as she stepped out onto the front step, pulling the door closed behind her.
‘What do you want?’ Her eyes searched Sennen’s face. ‘What have you come back for?’
Sennen felt awkward and small. This was not what she had pictured, but then again, what had she pictured? Her parents enfolding her with love and forgiveness? Her children hugging her, burying their faces in her skirt?
‘I don’t want them to see you,’ Adela had hissed.
Sennen knew who she meant.
‘I just wanted to see if you were okay? You and Poppa and Henry and Ella.’
‘We are fine.’ Adela was terse. ‘Now.’
‘Please, Mum, please, I’ve come back to explain. I’ve missed you all so much. Things have been so difficult.’
‘Difficult?’ Adela almost spat. ‘I’ll tell you what difficult is. Having a daughter disappear, that’s difficult. Difficult is nursing your father through a breakdown.’ Her face was twisting in strain at the memory. ‘Losing you almost killed him. Both of us. And Henry and Ella.’
Sennen had taken a step forward to her mother, her hands reaching out to her. ‘But I’m here now and I want so much to explain.’
Adela stepped back. ‘There is nothing to explain and nothing of you left here.’
‘But Mum …’
Sennen forced herself to come back to the present. ‘That was not good, Mum. If you hoped to hurt me back, you succeeded. I’m so sorry for everything.’ She turned her face to her father’s headstone. ‘I bet she didn’t tell you about that, did she, Poppa? I was longing to see you. I needed your love and forgiveness. I honestly didn’t realise I had hurt you so much.’
She lifted a strand of hair from her cheek and tucked it behind her ear. On the horizon, she could make out the blurred shape of a tanker heading east. For a moment she pictured herself on its bridge, twirling the ship’s wheel and heading out to wherever the wind blew her. Then, with a rueful shake of her head, she addressed her father’s headstone.
‘I ran away. I ran and ran until I couldn’t come back. God, I was frightened. But I so wanted, needed, to see you and Henry and Ella. In my heart I thought that maybe you’d welcome me back. That we could get over the terrible thing I had done and I could be Henry and Ella’s mum again.’ Sennen threw the stone she was playing with high in the air. She watched as it turned and sparkled then fell into the grass beside her. ‘It was pretty horrible.’ She turned to the grave of her mother. ‘Mum made sure she told me how you had burnt my school reports, Christmas cards, photographs. She told me you had wiped me out of your lives. She called me selfish, hot-headed, too independent for my own good. She said that Ella and Henry had no memory of me and that you, Poppa, had told them I had disappeared and would never come back to them.’ Sennen bowed her head in shame. ‘Mum said I was dirty.’ Her tears flowed again but there was no sobbing. ‘I know I did wrong. But when I went to Spain it felt right. I was trying to make it right. Give the children their father. Be married. Live happily as you both had.’ She sniffed and shook her hair back from her face. ‘But … Mum told me that I was no good. That the shock of seeing me would kill you, Poppa. That the sight of me would give the children nightmares again, that you’d only just got them on an even keel … But all I wanted was … I was only twenty!’ Her tears were bitter now. ‘I screwed it all up. I lost him. I lost you. I lost the children … it’s not too dramatic to say I lost myself. Until a few years ago when I met Kafir.’ She wiped her eyes on her sleeve. ‘You would both love him. Kind, gentle, knows right from wrong, and he’s a Sikh. Imagine. I married a glorious, handsome Sikh and we live in India. In Agra. Yes, the Taj Mahal is there and yes, it’s beautiful. Kafir has given me two wonderful children. A girl first and then a boy. Aali, my daughter, is so wilful. She takes after me, you’d say. Strong. Defiant. Funny. She’s coming up for six now. And then there’s Sabu. He’s three. So loving. He likes stories and colouring and cuddles.’ Her legs were getting stiff in their crossed position so she stretched them out in front of her and lay down between her parents and looked at the sky. ‘The sky’s very blue. I think you’d call it heliotrope, Mum.’ She shifted her head. ‘And the clouds are blooming in the west. Big, smoky puffs. But I don’t think it’ll rain. I’ve seen Henry and Ella, you know. I’ve been summoned by your solicitor as sole beneficiary of your will. Typical of you, Mum, not to have made a will. Henry is very angry about it all and Ella is trying to compensate for him. I’m meeting her tomorrow. I saw her today but she didn’t see me. She was getting her hair done. What a girl you’ve brought up. She’s very beautiful, I think. Henry is handsome, but he was so cross with me he hid it well.’ She smiled at the thought. ‘So here we all are. You two, me, Henry and Ella. Back in Trevay. I’m not sure what will happen next, to be honest.’ She rolled onto her stomach and plucked a long, seeded grass head. ‘I threw the pebble in the pond all those years ago and the ripples are still hitting the shore. I may have lost Kafir and Aali and Sabu too.’ She suddenly remembered meeting Rosemary. ‘Oh, I forgot to tell you. You remember Rosemary? The girl I made run away with me? The one you liked? I bumped into her today. She was very kind. I told her everything … almost. She’s coming to my meeting with Ella tomorrow. I’m going to explain to her what happened and ask her forgiveness. Would you wish me well? Please? No matter how old a child gets, we still want our parents’ approval. I know I lost yours a long time ago, but …’ Her voice broke and the tears came again like a sudden cloudburst in summer. ‘Please. I love you both so much. Forgive me. Help me.’