Bill was struggling to keep the anger and grief that burned in him from destroying the careful balance of the fragile reality that he and Adela had fought to create for Henry and Ella.
Adela was fussing with the children. Henry was questioning her.
‘Where Mummy? She come home?’
‘Not yet, darling, but she sent you these lovely toys.’ She heard the front door close and watched as Bill’s familiar shape walked away from the house.
‘Not like dragons.’ Henry bent down to Ella who was swinging her pink horse by the tail. ‘You like your horsey, Ella? It from Mummy.’
Adela’s tears flowed and she hurriedly looked away so that the children didn’t witness them. ‘Well, I think I’ll get us all a nice drink. Who wants a biscuit?’
Rosemary’s parents came over the next day, but their happiness at having their daughter home and their guilt that Bill and Adela didn’t made the meeting uncomfortable to the point of being unbearable.
The police passed on the little information Rosemary had given them and the Santander police could only confirm that Sennen had left the area, leaving her job and her accommodation.
Adela kept a watchful eye on the effect all this was having on Henry and Ella. Ella seemed fine but Henry’s sadness at his mother not being there had become an anger in him. The easy-going toddler was replaced with a child who shouted when crossed and slammed doors with fury.
Adela buried herself in caring for her grandchildren, while Bill spent more time walking by himself or immersing himself in his work.
A month or so later, Adela came home from a walk with the children and caught him searching in the cupboard under the stairs.
Stepping over the vacuum cleaner, a box of old jigsaws and all the general detritus of many households, she asked him, ‘Darling, what are you up to? Can I help?’
He backed out of the awkward space, his back bent and a cobweb in his hair.
‘Where are the photo albums?’
Henry charged past them and disappeared into the back of the cupboard. Ella toddled in after him and a row started immediately.
‘Out, Ella. This my camp.’
Adela was glad of the interruption. She knew exactly where the photo albums were and they were not in the cupboard. She had been so agitated about Sennen running away that she’d hidden them in the loft. Some instinct told her that they would be too distressing for Bill to look through while his grief was so raw.
‘Henry, can’t Ella join you in there? There’s plenty of room.’
‘No!’ Henry shouted from the darkness. Ella began a high-pitched wailing.
‘Oh, for God’s sake!’ Bill went back into the cupboard and pulled Ella out, kicking.
‘Don’t kick Poppa, please.’ Adela held her arms out to Ella and Bill passed her to him.
‘Just like her mother. Always wanting her own way.’ He was getting angrier.
Adela decided to do the right thing. ‘The albums are in the attic. Behind the suitcases.’
‘Well, who the bloody hell put them up there?’ Adela didn’t need to answer. He had already stomped off to get the stepladder.
Left with Ella crying in her arms and Henry making monster noises from the back of the cupboard, she felt like screaming herself.
But she didn’t.
She took a deep breath, coaxed Henry from his camp, and gave both children some milk in their sippy cups and fairy cakes.
Later, with the children ensconced in front of Top Cat on the television, she found Bill sitting on an old suitcase in the attic, going through all the photo albums. She sat with him and looked as he turned each page.
Sennen as a baby in her cot bought with Green Shield stamps.
Sennen learning to swim, rubber ring around her, Bill holding her up.
Sennen on her first day at school standing grimly next to her satchel.
Sennen looking so young and yet so tired holding a newborn Henry.
Sennen pushing the old pram. ‘Is that Henry or Ella in there?’ Adela asked over Bill’s shoulder.
‘Henry,’ said Bill softly. ‘Look at that mop of hair.’ He turned another page.
Sennen pregnant, with Henry on her hip.
Sennen with a tiny Ella on her lap and Henry leaning in to say hello to his baby sister.
‘Why are we looking at these now?’ asked Adela, sensing Bill’s rising anger and his deep, deep sadness.
‘I wanted one more look before I burned them,’ he said.
‘What? No!’
‘Yes. If Ella and Henry are to have a good life, a full life without this gaping hole where their mother should be, I am going to have to fill it in.’
‘Bill, don’t. They should know what she looked like. You already took down all the photos we had of her. Please … Let’s just keep these in the attic. Forget about them that way.’
‘She’s broken my heart.’ He bent his head to his chest. ‘I miss her too much. I can’t bear having her here, but not here, any longer.’
Adela put her arm around him and pulled his head onto her shoulder. He started to cry. More tears than she had ever seen him cry before.
‘She’ll be back one day, I’m sure of it,’ she said softly.
But Bill built a fire in his kiln and put each album on to it and watched as they burned to ashes.
Sennen was gone.