He sat, staring out at the green grass and the flowers that had been planted in a circle underneath the trees. The rehab center Gavin was in was nothing like the one the court had decreed he had to stay at. There were no bars on the windows, and each room was private with its own backyard.

“You’re not going to eat your lunch? Bro, you’re looking like a bag of bones.” Calder had been trying to coax Gavin out of his silence since he arrived this morning.

Peyton had left when he arrived, warning him that Gavin hadn’t said a word during the week she spent with him, and he refused to take any visitors, other than him and Peyton.

“Viper called when you were taking a shower. He wanted me to call when you got out. He’s not going to be happy I didn’t.”

Calder looked over at Gavin then returned his eyes to the trees.

“I don’t blame you for staying out here all the time. When I was released from prison, I couldn’t stand to be cooped up. I still sleep with my bedroom door open at night. You have a sweet deal here. If I had this area attached to my bedroom, I’d sleep out here, too.”

Calder raised up from his position on a chair he had carried out from Gavin’s room. Taking half the sandwich that remained untouched, he settled back down on his chair. “Did I tell you that I saw Viper and Winter last night? Shade, Train, Cash, Razer, and Knox were there, too. They all asked about you.” He took a bite of the sandwich.

Gavin rarely talked to him, just listened in silence until Calder would leave Sunday night. Calder didn’t let it bother him, filling in the silence by talking about anything and everything, trying to pull Gavin back to The Last Riders, who wanted him so desperately to rejoin the land of the living.

“They all had their wives there, too. Those women are fine. Not as fine as the woman I have my eye on, but they’re smokin’ hot.”

“Did anyone else call when I was in the shower?” Gavin distracted him from his lone conservation.

“No, Taylor didn’t call. You want me to call her?” Viper had explained that Gavin had been engaged to Taylor when he was kidnapped. After he was rescued, he found out she was now married and expecting. It was a raw wound for him.

“So she can ask if she can come and see me again? No thanks.”

“Then why you asking if she called?”

“No reason.”

“Bullshit. Why won’t you see her?”

“I don’t want her to see me until I’m back to normal.”

“You want to get back to normal, start eating again and hit the gym.”

Gavin went back to the silence he hid behind whenever anyone told him what he didn’t want to hear.

“You don’t want to see her because Viper told you she is married. Call a spade a spade, but don’t lie to yourself or me. It’s a big step in your recovery.”

“What do you want me to say? That if I see her, I’ll beg her to get a divorce? I know the man she married. Taylor’s better off with him.”

“Is that why you’re slowly killing yourself?”

Gavin’s harsh features would make anyone proceed with caution, but Calder had been in prison with men who were just as menacing and who had nothing better to do with their days than work out. Gavin was so gaunt and weak that he wouldn’t be able to fight himself out of a paper bag.

“I’m not trying to kill myself. I just don’t care if I do or don’t die anymore.”

“When you were held captive by the Road Demons, did you just give in, or did you fight the bastards?”

“I fought.”

“Then why give up now?”

“Have you ever loved a woman?”

“Can’t say I have. I came close once.”

“The one who won’t give you the time of day?”

“I never even dated her, and she hates my guts. Can you see how much she would hate me if I had?”

“What’s her name?”

“I don’t even know her real name. Her nickname is Crazy Bitch.”

“If you’re hung up on a woman called Crazy Bitch, you’re the last one I’d take advice from.”

“I’m not giving you advice. You have counselors here who get paid to dish out advice. I’m just saying that, if you want to get Taylor back by making her feel sorry for you, go right ahead. I don’t blame you for preferring her to me. The only problem with that is you’re going to be the same pitiable mess until your body gives up and you get your wish, and you’ll be as dead as a doornail. Or you regain your strength, she will see you no longer need her, and she goes back to her husband.”

Gavin struggled to his feet. “I’m going down for a nap.”

“Or we can go work out for a while. Then you eat an early dinner and have a good night’s sleep.”

Gavin went inside his room, shutting the sliding glass door behind him.

Calder remained where he was, giving Gavin time alone. He knew the man had more going on in his mind than a woman. He was fighting off the depression of coming off the drugs. Until Gavin was ready to admit what he was really missing was the high coursing through his veins, he wouldn’t get better.

The rehab center had been weaning them off him, but it was a slow process so his blood pressure and heart could be monitored. Each week, the amounts would decrease until he had the willpower to not depend on it. Only someone who had gone through it themselves would be able to understand with hindsight. Calder still remembered the agony of wanting the drugs that had become the only friend he had left.

He shook his head at himself. If he hadn’t gotten caught and been forced into rehab, he would have still been using. It was only when his ass had been locked up for a couple of years had he kicked his dependency. Now he would take a loaded gun to his head before doing them again.

Gavin might have become dependent on them because the Road Demons had used every means possible to keep him under control through years of captivity and abuse, but it wasn’t the club who kept him prisoner now; it was the drugs. They had taken control, and unless Gavin realized which enemy he was fighting, The Last Riders would soon be burying him.

Calder got up and went into Gavin’s room, silently opening the door, not wanting to disturb him if he was sleeping. He wasn’t. He was staring at a picture on the wall.

“Why didn’t Peyton include you in the picture?” Calder asked, sitting down beside him on the bed.

“I told her not to.”

Calder stared at the men in the painting. Once a week, each of them visited Gavin. Viper came once during the middle of the week, and then again on Sundays when he would bring Winter and their daughter, Aisha.

“It’s hard to see them so happy while your life is in the toilet bowl.”

“I’m glad they’re happy.”

“You’re jealous as fuck.” Calder wryly shook his head. “Stud sent me letters with pictures when I was in prison. I ripped most of them into shreds. I didn’t want to see Stud so happy while I was so miserable. It’s not The Last Riders you’re in here for any more than Stud was responsible for me.”

“I only blame four people: Memphis, Crash, Vincent Bedford, and myself. I was a naïve fool.”

“You weren’t naïve. You were a grown man who had served your country and thought that you could handle yourself. Damn, bro, two men you thought were brothers took you down. Nothing to be ashamed of there.”

Gavin’s face cracked in agony at his memories. “You don’t know the shit I did. If you did, you wouldn’t be sitting with me. None of them would be.” He pointed at the painting then let his hand drop to his side.

“Gavin, I told you, as your sponsor, anything you want to talk about, I won’t repeat. It’s just between me and you. I wouldn’t want anyone spilling the shit I did when I was using, and I willingly took that crap. You didn’t take it willingly. It won’t make it easier to bear what went down, but cut yourself a break here.”

“I went into the Navy to help people. To defend and protect the weak from others who would hurt them. I became what I fought against.”

“You might think that, but you didn’t. I’ve done time with hardcore felons. Do you think they’re sitting on their beds, slowly starving to death because they feel bad about their crimes? Fuck, most of them are planning what they’re going to do next when they get out and how to do it better without getting caught.”

“I should be locked up with them.”

“Will that make you feel better?”

“Yes. It’s where I deserve to be.”

Calder ran his hand along his jaw, thinking. “Why don’t we go about it this way? Let’s get you stronger, and you open up to me about why you think you deserve to go to jail. Then we’ll ask Diamond to come talk to you.”

At the mention of telling Knox’s wife, Gavin started shaking. “No!”

“You think the police will arrest you without you confessing to a crime, that a jury will convict you without hearing the charges? Even if you don’t want it, the court will appoint a lawyer for you… unless you’re going to defend yourself?”

Gavin ran his hands through his hair. “I have no defense.”

“You weren’t in your right mind. If you don’t want to talk to Diamond, that’s cool. We can find someone else to talk to. But I think that’s a mistake. Diamond is pretty cool, and as a lawyer, she won’t talk to Knox about anything you discuss with her.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“While you’re thinking about it, I’ll go ask your nurse for some more soup and another sandwich. While I’m doing that, when I come back, think of one thing that you want to tell me, and then we’ll go for a walk. How’s that sound?”

“I don’t like turkey sandwiches.” He didn’t say he wasn’t hungry or that he was ready to talk, but he didn’t say no either.

Taking it as a yes, Calder stood.

“Who’s coming today?”

“It’s Saturday, so Train and Killyama should be here in a few,” Calder replied.

Gavin’s face brightened when he heard Killyama’s name. “Do you mind if we wait for the walk until they get here?”

“No.”

Calder went to the front desk, searching for Gavin’s nurse. After he found her and asked for another lunch tray, he took his time returning to Gavin’s room, giving him time to think about what he wanted to share with him.

His hopes weren’t high when he returned. Gavin had turned on the television and was watching it fixedly. Calder didn’t push, watching the movie with him.

When the nurse brought the tray in and set it down next to Gavin, Calder kept watching the movie, noticing him lifting the mug of soup to his mouth. When he picked up the sandwich, he wanted to jump up and down, but he remained seated.

Gavin was eating the second half of the sandwich before he spoke. “They videotaped me having sex with members of the club.”

He threw his sandwich down, running into his bathroom. Calder followed him, wetting a washcloth as Gavin heaved his lunch into the toilet.

When he was finished, Gavin sank down onto the tiled floor, his arm resting on the lid to support himself, as if he wasn’t finished vomiting.

Calder flushed the toilet then lowered himself down to the floor, handing the wet cloth to him.

“The Last Riders aren’t shy about fucking in front of each other. I didn’t think I could be embarrassed or ashamed about anyone watching me, but they took it to levels I never knew existed, and I’ve been in some fucked-up situations when I was in the war.”

“You were in a war.” Calder tapped the side of his forehead. “Your mind and soul were rebelling against them. If that isn’t a war of its own, I don’t know what is. Just because you weren’t on foreign soil doesn’t mean it wasn’t as traumatic.”

Gavin tilted his head to the side. “You think so?”

“Hell yes. I’ve never been in the military, but I’m sure they trained you to survive at all odds.”

“They did.”

“You survived; that’s what counts.”

“Does it? I don’t know anymore if it was worth a fight.”

“Because of Taylor?”

Gavin nodded imperceptibly.

“Was she the only reason you fought so hard to stay alive?”

“I wanted to kill the Road Demons and the three who put me there. The Last Riders took out the Road Demons. Bedford and Memphis are dead. They’re saving Crash for me. I couldn’t kill a fly right now.”

“So, all you thought about was Taylor and killing?”

“No,” he admitted. “I thought about Ton and Viper. I was used to talking to them every day. Not being able to do that was hard.”

“Is that why you won’t take their calls? Because you don’t want to get in that habit again?”

“I’d rather not get used to having them around if I’m going to lose them again.”

“Meaning, if you went to prison?”

“Yes.”

Calder scooted over, leaning his back against the bathroom wall. “We don’t know if you did anything you can be charged with—”

“I did.” Gavin started heaving over the toilet bowl again.

“Okay, let’s assume you did. You think Viper and The Last Riders won’t stand behind you?”

“Yes.”

“Even in prison, you’re allowed to talk to family and correspond with friends. You won’t lose them again, but they’ll lose you again if you don’t start eating. When Viper comes, take a good look at him. He’s suffering without you, and so is Ton. Shit, Ton’s living in a hotel near here and comes by every morning to eat breakfast with you, yet you don’t say a single word to your father. What if something happened to him? Sooner or later, we lose everyone, whether through age, sickness, or accidents.

“You being afraid to resume those relationships is what I went through with Stud. I never felt like I measured up to him, or the brothers he leads. I still don’t. Stud was smart not to take drugs, he beat me at those races we rode together, and he even married the mother of my child when I was too stoned to get my life together. My girlfriend told me she had miscarried. Then, two months later, Stud comes to visit me at the prison and tells me he’s marrying Candi. Six months later, he sends me a picture, telling me they had a baby.”

“Stud didn’t tell you the baby was yours?”

“No.”

“Have you talked to him about the kid since you got out of prison?”

“What am I supposed to say? Star is healthy and happy. She believes Stud is her father, and she loves Sex Piston like she’s her own mother. She is. Candi is in prison and doesn’t get out for another year, unless she makes parole. I don’t want Star to know both of her parents are worthless. Stud gives her the stability I can’t.”

“For a sponsor, you’re just as fucked up as I am. At least I don’t have the hots for a woman named Crazy Bitch.”

“You want to see what she looks like?”

“Sure.”

Calder reached into his pocket, taking out his cell phone. Flipping through the photos, he said, “This is my kid.” He turned the phone so Gavin could see Star’s picture. He had taken it when she had been blowing out her birthday candles. Sex Piston and Stud were standing behind her.

“Cute kid.”

“She’s beautiful.” Calder cleared his voice, turning the phone back around to scroll through his pictures. Then he turned it back to Gavin. “That’s Crazy Bitch.”

“What’s she doing?” Perplexed, Gavin raised his eyes from the phone.

Calder frowned, turning the phone back toward himself. His frown cleared when he saw what Gavin meant.

Usually when he looked at her, he just thought about how beautiful she was. He hadn’t paid attention to the hand gesture she was making when he had been taking the picture.

“Oh, that. She’s telling me to fuck off.”