Apologies
I reeled in my fishing line, frustrated I hadn’t caught anything. It was my first day of a month off, and I was trying my damnedest to find my happy place; my Zen. I wasn’t an avid fisherman—amateur at best—but I liked it and having a place to do it within walking distance was all the more reason for me to partake.
I’d just cast my line in the water again when I heard Kegs shout for me. He was walking up the pier toward me, dressed in his usual work attire—fitted black T-shirt and cargo pants. I looked like a bum wearing nothing but a pair of basketball shorts with holes in them. I hadn’t really been that concerned with my looks the past few days. “You caught anything, bro?”
“Not a damn thing,” I grumbled.
When he reached me, he gave me his usual hard slap on the back. “Just got off. Thought I’d come by and check on ya. I wasn’t sure if you’d be home, or with Hannah.”
I grimaced. I’d put Hannah off for a couple of days now, and I knew I was an ass for it. “Haven’t seen her in a few days.”
Kegs crossed his arms as we stared at my line in the water. “You guys break up or something?”
“No. Just in a shitty frame of mind and don’t want to subject her to it.” I didn’t want to hurt her, but I was the kind of man that dealt with problems on my own. I didn’t want to purge on her. I’d thought keeping some distance from her would give me a chance to calm down about my own personal problems, but it hadn’t. In fact, it had made it worse because not only was I missing work…I was missing her, too.
Shaking his head, he let out an audible sigh.
“What?”
“You do realize she’s a woman?”
I smirked as I cut a sideways glance at him. “She has all the right parts.”
He ignored my smartass comment. “You do realize women like attention and laying low is probably freaking her the hell out?”
Releasing a deep breath, I reeled in my line. “She doesn’t need to be around me when I’m all pissy about personal problems.”
“Do you like the woman, Wren?” he asked bluntly. “I mean, is she just a hook-up, or do you think you guys might have something?”
His question took me off guard. “I like her. She’s…scary,” I chuckled. “Definitely a mess, but yeah,” I nodded with certainty, “I like her.”
“Then let her in, man.”
Kegs was one of the few people that knew about my life and the losses I’d endured. He knew about my mother and my sister, and we’d lost mutual friends while serving. He understood it was hard for me to let people in. Staying unattached to people protected me from the hurt experienced in losing them. I cared for Hannah and I knew he was right. Either I needed to let her in, let her be close to me, or I needed to cut her loose.
“Dude, I get you’re in a bad frame of mind, but maybe there’s a little silver lining here.”
Twisting my neck, I looked at him. “What’s that?”
“You were just bitching not that long ago that you didn’t have any time to really spend with her.” He shrugged as if it was all so clear. “Well, now you have a lot of time. Why not go spend some of it with your woman, instead of avoiding her and hiding out in misery?”
I narrowed my eyes at him, annoyed that he had a good point. “Where the hell did all this smart thinking come from?” I jested.
“Shit, man,” he chuckled as he scratched the back of his neck. “I don’t know. I guess I’m getting wise in my old age or something.”
My phone vibrated in my pocket and I pulled it out to look at it. It was a text from Hannah. Her text, though seemingly friendly, sounded worried, and I knew she was probably freaking out.
“Aw, hell,” I mumbled to myself. Kegs was right. With all this time off, it was the perfect opportunity for me to really spend some time with her. I needed to see her. I wanted to see her.
“You’re right, man,” I told him. “I’m going to go see her.”
“Just show up,” he told me. “Chicks love surprises and shit.”
He helped me carry my gear in and put it away. After he left, I took a quick shower, threw on some decent clothes, and climbed in my truck. I was going to see her. I wanted to surprise her. I realized there was a chance she might not be home, but I’d wait. I just wanted to do something to make her see I cared…I was just dense sometimes. I didn’t do well with sharing feelings.
By the time I got to her house, it was ten at night. The house was dark, seemingly shut down for the night, except for the window to the right on the upper floor where a light appeared to be on. I assumed this was her bedroom. I pulled my truck in her driveway and parked beside her car. Worried knocking on her door would startle her, I decided to call. It had rung twice when a car slowly pulled up in the driveway behind where I was parked, the sound of gravel crackling under its tires.
“Who in the hell is showing up here this late?” I grumbled to myself as I ended the call. Of course, I had just shown up this late, but that was different. I was her boyfriend.
Whoa. Slow down, Wren. Where in the hell had that thought come from? Hannah and I had not even broached the subject of being exclusive. My hands tightened around my steering wheel as I realized she might be seeing someone else. Was this another guy showing up to see her? It surprised me how much the thought of that really pissed me off. Maybe we hadn’t had a talk about seeing other people, but I wasn’t seeing anyone. If it was a dude, he was blocking me in and hadn’t bothered to get out of his car yet, keeping his headlights on and shining though my back glass. Dick.
It’s not like I could just back out.
“Shit,” I huffed as I turned my truck off and climbed out. Might as well take the bull by the horns. I came here to see Hannah. I wanted to see Hannah. But if she was seeing other people, that was something I wanted to know. It was something I needed to know. This wasn’t exactly how I would’ve liked to find out, but I did show up unannounced and uninvited. As soon as I stepped out of my truck someone rounded the bed coming toward me.
“Hi,” Hannah slurred causing me to freeze. Her long hair was tied up in some kind of messy bun that looked like she’d done it that way on purpose, and it actually looked pretty. She was wearing a pink summer dress that hit her thighs in just the right place to where it was not too short or too high. In the car, I made out a man in the lighting from his cellphone. It looked like he was trying to access his GPS. She was on a date. The guy was dropping her off. What the fuck? My temper flared, that pesky little thing about myself that I owned and was working on reached up and seized my backbone.
“You were on a date,” I snapped. Not a question. A statement. The words had left my mouth before I’d had a chance to think about it.
Hannah stopped in her tracks and stared at me. Even in the limited lighting, I could tell she was somewhat intoxicated, but even in her state she’d heard the anger in my tone. The look of shock faded from her features, and her eyes narrowed.
“You barely speak to me for days, then show up unannounced, and now you want to talk?”
Okay.
She had a point.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew I was wrong, no matter how I sliced this shit pie, but…she was on a freaking date. That was…technically none of my business, but I didn’t care. The thought of her with another guy made me want to break something. Or someone. Or both.
“I guess if you won’t answer me, I’ll ask him.” Charging toward his car, Hannah reached to stop me, but I moved past her before she had a chance. At the driver’s side door, I rapped my knuckles loudly on the window causing the guy with square black glasses to jerk his head up. He had a nerdy look to him, thin and pale. He didn’t look like her type, or anywhere near her league.
“Wren, stop,” Hannah groaned.
Wide-eyed, the guy rolled his window down a little, enough to hear me but not enough to allow me access to him. “You go on a date with her tonight?” I threw out an arm pointing at Hannah.
“Uh…”
“Wren, you’re being ridiculous,” Hannah exclaimed.
“Did you?” I asked him. “You’ve been seeing her?”
“I—”
“Spit it out, slick,” I demanded. “These aren’t complicated questions.”
“Uh…I…drive for Uber. I was her Uber home,” he stuttered.
I’d done several tours in Afghanistan and traveled to several countries in the Middle East between my time in the Marines and my time in security. I’d had the misfortune of witnessing many horrific things. I’d also witnessed, or rather felt things that are hard to describe outside of scientific wording.
Blast waves were one of those things. The scientific description of this would be like when a bomb explodes, the area around the explosion becomes over pressurized, resulting in highly compressed air particles that travel faster than the speed of sound. The wave will dissipate over time and distance and exists only for a matter of milliseconds. But the way it feels to exist within those milliseconds, to be so close to it is hard to explain. There’s an eerie quiet, almost like the world has just been vapor-sealed and time has slowed, allowing you to move and think faster.
The minute the geek in the car informed me he’d simply been Hannah’s Uber driver, I felt like I was in a blast wave, and as time slowed, my mind was able to process the situation at the speed of light just how stupid I looked.
You know that moment?
You know the one.
The one we’ve all experienced.
That moment when you make a complete ass out of yourself.
Yep.
That was one of those moments for me. Stepping back from the car, processing what a gigantic tool I must look like, I belatedly noticed the Uber sticker on the back glass of the guy’s car. From my peripheral vision, I could see Hannah standing, watching me with her arms crossed.
“Uh…can I go now?” the Uber driver asked.
“Yes,” Hannah told him, giving him a wave. “Sorry about all…” she looked to me, then shook her head “…this.”
Backing away, I kept my stare fixed on the car as it reversed out and drove away until his taillights disappeared into the darkness. Even when he was completely out of sight, I still stared. Where else was I supposed to look? At her? Yeah…I wasn’t quite ready for that. I needed a minute. A man does not like many things, but being wrong and being a fool tops the list. I’d just acted like a total asshole to a guy who was simply a cab driver because I was jealous and thought he’d been on a date with Hannah.
With that thought, I spun around and faced her. “Were you on a date tonight?” Yeah…I wasn’t done digging my hole just yet. Had to push a little further to completely humiliate myself.
Walking up to me, she took my hand. “You’re cute when you’re jealous.”
As she pulled me behind her toward her front porch, I said, “I wasn’t jealous. I was just asking the guy some questions. For safety purposes.”
After she’d taken the first step she turned to me, a smirk that indicated she thought I was ridiculous spread across her face. “You were jealous.” She poked my chest.
“I notice you still haven’t answered the question.”
Letting out something between a snort and a laugh she asked, “You gonna get tough with me if I don’t answer? Well, are you?” Then she chuckled. “Spit it out, slick,” she imitated me with a deepened voice. “These aren’t complicated questions.”
Letting my head fall back, I let out a groan of frustration. She would never let me live this down. I momentarily wondered if being wrong was worse than if I had been right. Okay, being right would have sucked worse.
“What’s going on with you?” she asked quietly. I kept my head back, my face to the sky, not wanting her to see how dumb I felt.
“I’m sorry I’ve been…quiet. I’ve had some personal stuff going on.”
There was a pause, a long and silent moment where I wondered if she was contemplating telling me to leave, since technically I was hiding shit from her, before I felt her fingers thread my beard tugging down on it, forcing my eyes to meet hers. Her gaze moved to my mouth then flicked back to my eyes, a subtle smile taking over her lips. Leaning toward me, she stopped when her mouth was but a breath from mine. “No,” she whispered, the heat of her breath heavy against my lips. “I wasn’t on a date.”
Moving my hands to her hips, I squeezed them, relief flooding me. “I had no right to show up and behave like that.” I swallowed, the smell of her lip gloss making me impatient to kiss her. “I don’t like thinking about you with another man,” I admitted, our mouths still close.
Pulling back for a moment, she kept her stare fixed on mine and parted her mouth as if she were on the verge of saying something to me, but then stopped short. Taking my hand again, she lifted it and kissed it, letting her lips drag slowly over my knuckles. “Would you like to spend the night?”
“There’s no place I’d rather be than in bed with you tonight.”