Forgive and Forget
With what felt like an endless amount of free time since I was currently without work for the month…and single…I put a massive amount of energy into working out. Exercising and lifting were like therapy to me. Outside of that, I fished, cleaned, designed a few videos, and hung out with Kegs a bit when he wasn’t working.
It had been a week since I’d last seen or spoken to Hannah. She hadn’t attempted to contact me once, and I’d be damned if I’d contact her. She was actually doing me a favor by staying away. It reminded me what a piece of work she was. When I logged on to Facebook earlier in the week, photos of her readers had posted that she’d met with at the signing popped up on my timeline. It pissed me off to see her standing there smiling like she hadn’t a worry in the world. I knew it was bullshit because I knew the real Hannah was a train wreck, and her stellar outfit and pasted-on smile were nothing but a show.
Seeing her that way made me so angry I hadn’t logged on since. As the week moved along, I focused on staying busy to keep myself from thinking about her, and what a dumbass I felt like for catching feelings for her. I knew she was nuts the first night I’d met her. Why in the hell had I kept coming back for more? I had no one to blame but myself. I told myself I was done with her. It was over.
So when her car pulled in my driveway while I was washing my truck, I clenched my teeth in frustration.
What was she doing here?
Hose in hand, I continued to spray my vehicle down, not acknowledging her as she climbed out of her car and approached me. If I opened my mouth, I’d hurt her feelings for sure. Unleash all sorts of truths on her. She watched me for a few moments, quiet. Finally, she said, “Wren. You see I’m here. Would you stop for a minute?”
I didn’t respond. I kept spraying. And inwardly begged her to get out of my face.
“I’m here to apologize,” she voiced stepping toward me with purpose. “Would you talk to me for a little bit, please?” I had to give it to her. The confidence I’d wished for her since we’d met was front and center. Just my luck she brought it out when she demanded I accept her half-assed apology. She wanted to be forgiven just like that. Poof. A week of anger was gone. Didn’t think so.
“I don’t have the time, or the patience for this, Hannah. You made it very clear you didn’t want to talk to me a couple of weeks ago. We’re not together, you don’t owe me a damn thing, and there’s nothing to talk about.”
“I was wrong for what I said. Please,” she begged. “Just speak with me.”
“So you’re totally cool with discussing your personal life?” She remained quiet. I thought so. I released the hose handle and dropped it on the driveway. Sliding my hands in my pockets, I faced her. “When I wanted to speak, you denied me that. All I was trying to do was give a shit about you. But now, when you wanna talk, I’m supposed to just drop everything and listen?”
“All of this is new to me and…scary. I’m not…perfect.”
I snorted. That was an understatement. Her mouth curved down into a frown with my reaction. I’d hurt her feelings. I clenched my teeth again. I didn’t want to hurt her, or be a dick to her, but I was pissed. She was a grown-ass woman. Behaving like this was not okay. Pushing away someone who cared for you was not okay. And the truth was, I was more scared of her than ever. Yes, a man falling for a woman was hard. We didn’t like things that made us feel vulnerable. We didn’t like attaching ourselves to people that could knock us on our asses simply by walking out of our lives. She pulled then pushed. Let me in a little then threw my ass out. Hannah had hooked me, and then cut me loose. But there was more than that. She was volatile, and that concerned me too. Her inconsistencies in emotions, and the back and forth with her moods, had me on edge. It reminded me of someone. It reminded me of my sister. I didn’t think Hannah was completely unreasonable, but she seemed to have the ability to disconnect; to cut people off.
The ability to just leave someone.
I couldn’t handle that.
I’d lost my sister, my mother, and brothers-in-arms. I’d lost so many people in so many ways, the idea that I could lose her simply because she was confused about who she was wasn’t something I could set myself up for. It hadn’t slipped my mind she hadn’t acknowledged discussing her personal life with me. Being with her came with conditions. Ones where she could hide from me when she wanted. She asked for me to hear her out, but refused to give me what I needed. All of her.
“I’m trying here, Wren,” she pleaded, her lower lip quivering slightly. She was wearing a white tank top and cutoff jeans, making it hard to hold my anger when she turned me on so damned much. She looked so tiny, and even though I was hell-bent on turning her away, there was a part of me that wanted nothing more than to take her in my arms and kiss that trembling lip. She was like a vortex, and I had to stop getting sucked in.
“You made it very clear what my trying was worth to you. Please go.”