‘It is for God to punish wicked people; we should learn to forgive.’
‘I am going to kill Sam,’ Nina told Noah five nights later as they stood outside Ye Olde Laser Tag Experience on Whitechapel Road. ‘I am going to flay him alive with my PedEgg while he begs for mercy.’
‘“The latest laser technology and SFX lighting combined with all the fun of a Renaissance Faire”,’ Noah read from the poster. ‘Wow. I’d like to have been in the meeting when they came up with that concept.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Nina said. ‘So very sorry. I should have researched it properly and I should have been way more suspicious when Sam offered to reserve two tickets with a voucher he had.’
Noah nodded. ‘You must have done something to really piss him off.’
‘I fetched him cakes,’ Nina remembered. ‘And the next thing I will serve him is vengeance.’ She looked at Noah who was still staring at the poster, which featured two men in cheap-looking chainmail holding some very unmedieval laser guns bedecked with flashing green lights, with an air of bemusement. ‘Shall we just move on to the second part of the evening and go to this bar I found in an old discount-suit shop?’
Bemusement turned to amusement. Noah put a hand to his heart and furrowed his brow like Nina had done him ten kinds of wrong. ‘No way! You promised me laser tag and we are going to play laser tag.’ He tapped the poster. ‘Do you think we’ll have to talk in Olde Worlde English, my comely wench?’
As compliments went, Nina had had much worse. She’d also had much better. ‘If you say anything else in Olde Worlde English, then I’m going home. I’m not even joking,’ she said.
This was already going down in the annals as one of Nina’s Worst Dates Ever. Not as bad as the date watching a nine-hour Japanese film with only two intervals; or the date that had involved a funeral then a wake, though at least there’d been alcohol.
Also, the nerves she’d had before their first non-date were nothing compared to her heart-thudding, sweaty-palms, churny-stomach nerves as she’d taken the Central Line to Bethnal Green tube station.
Her heart-thudding had upgraded to a full-on slam dunk when she’d heard someone call her name and had turned round to see Noah standing on the platform, a still point in a sea of people rushing home from work. He’d smiled at her and she couldn’t help but smile back.
Nina had waited for him to reach her and there was no time for their usual awkward meet and greet because, as if he’d given the matter some thought and had prepared for the moment, Noah took her by the elbows so he could lean forward and kiss Nina on her right cheek and then her left cheek. Then he’d pulled away, smiled again and said, ‘You always look like you’ve stepped out of a film.’
Nina had been feeling frumpy and stumpy. No tight hobble skirt today but a black-and-white polka-dot dress with a full-circle skirt, under a voluminous net petticoat, so she’d have freedom of movement while she was laser tagging. And she was wearing trainers. She couldn’t find her leopard-print Converse so she was wearing a pair of three-stripe Adidas shell-toes, which she’d borrowed from lovely Annika who’d assured Nina they were very in, but they left Nina feeling like she was wearing a pair of orthopaedic shoes.
He added, ‘You’re like Ava Gardner but with pink hair.’
‘People usually say Marilyn Monroe,’ Nina said.
‘No, not Marilyn,’ Noah said firmly, tucking Nina’s arm into his so they could start walking to the exit. ‘I think you’re too complex to be a Marilyn.’
His words had secretly thrilled Nina, that someone else could see that she was a creature of hidden depths and grand passions. She’d also felt an unexpected thrill course through her as Noah had pulled her in to kiss her cheeks; something to do with suddenly being pressed so close to him that not even a whisper could come between them. Close enough that she could smell his aftershave, which was subtle, not at all overpowering, like Noah himself, and reminded Nina of posh soap and clean sheets. But more than that, Nina could tell from the way that Noah had pulled her into his brief embrace that despite his unassuming, navy-clad appearance, he was strong. Obviously all the hanging from zipwires and hiking through rainforests had given him muscles. Wait … what? Nina couldn’t possibly be having lustful thoughts about a man who wore so much navy. Her Heathcliff would never be a man so buttoned up, so ‘compartmentalised’, so … so tied to her own past in the worst possible way.
Still, as they’d caught the bus for the short ride to the venue, Nina had been heart-thuddy and palm-sweaty all over again, not in dread of the ordeal ahead, but rather because of a delicious mix of nerves and excitement and oh God, that usually meant that she was attracted to a man who would inevitably turn out to be a wrong ’un.
Not that Noah was a wrong ’un, but he wasn’t a right ’un either and Nina had spent the bus journey agonising over exactly what Noah was and if this really was another non-date, until they got to the address of the laser tag place and then other matters took precedence. Mainly, if she’d be able to kill Sam and not have Posy hold it against her.
But she’d worry about that later. Right now, she was going to worry about how she could get out of an hour playing a mash-up of Quasar and Dungeons and Dragons. ‘It’s not too late to turn back,’ Nina said, trying to drag her heels, but Noah was having none of it.
‘I never back down from a challenge,’ he insisted, pulling her along with his superior strength. ‘Do you think they’ll make us dress up in chainmail?’
‘Chainmail is my absolute deal breaker,’ Nina said grimly.
There wasn’t chainmail, but there was a horrible garment called a laser utility vest, which was a vinyl tabard decked out with green lights and not designed to be worn by anyone with breasts.
They were given their vests by one of the instructors, or laser marshals, an officious, beardy man in his late thirties called Peter, who kept staring at Nina in disbelief as he led them to a holding area to meet the rest of their team.
‘Team? Can’t we play just the two of us?’ Nina demanded. The word ‘team’ never led to anything good. She’d once worked for a big chain of hairdressers and had been forced to attend an excruciating team-building away day, which involved enough trust-building exercises and role-playing to put her off the word ‘team’ for good.
‘It’s an interactive group activity.’ Peter addressed all his remarks to Noah, whose lips were twitching like he was trying really hard not to laugh. ‘You’ll join up with the other guests booked for the same session and I’ll split you into two teams. All this information was on your confirmation email, you know.’
Nina stuck her tongue out at Peter when he strode on ahead down a long, dark tunnel and Noah’s lips twitched again. ‘I live for an interactive group activity,’ he said, though his smile dimmed when he saw the other ‘guests’.
Twenty boys ranging in age from ten to fifteen were gathered to celebrate twelve-year-old Sunil’s birthday. They knew this because Peter gave Sunil a special glowing badge to pin on his tabard, while Sunil stared at the floor as if he was in his own special hell. Nina could empathise.
Then there was a long talk about the rules of laser tag, prefaced with the predictable joke: Rule number one, you don’t talk about laser tag. As far as Nina could tell, because Peter had a very droney voice and so she’d tuned out quite early on, the aim was to laser tag the hell out of the opposing team. Why it took ten minutes to tell them that, she didn’t know.
‘After this is over, I’m going to need a cocktail bigger than my head,’ she whispered to Noah, who was listening intently to the rules and studying a map of Ye Olde Medieval Village in a leaflet he’d picked up in the foyer.
‘I must admit that being in close proximity to so many adolescent boys is giving me unpleasant flashbacks to my schooldays,’ he whispered back and Nina felt the familiar flash of guilt, which was why she’d agreed to go on that first non-date in the first place. ‘Let’s make that a cocktail each.’
‘We could still bail …’ Nina started to say until Peter glared at her.
‘Why are you talking?’ he demanded. ‘If you’re talking then you can’t be listening to the very important things I’m saying about Health and Safety, can you?’
‘Sir! Yes, sir!’ Nina said and when she clicked her heels and saluted some of the boys laughed and Peter looked at her like he wished he were allowed to shoot real guns at people and not just laser tag guns.
He got his revenge two minutes later when he divided them into teams. He picked off the nine youngest and smallest boys and told Noah and Nina to join that team, helmed by a spotty, nervous-looking Ye Olde Laser Tag employee called Jamie, while he took the older and bigger boys off with him to talk tactics. ‘I have never lost a game of laser tag yet,’ they heard him say loudly as he led his troops into the bowels of the building. ‘We’re going to slaughter them and it’s not going to be pretty.’
‘Gin cocktail, bigger than my head,’ Nina chanted her mantra. ‘Gin cocktail, bigger than my head.’
‘So, yeah, I think defence is, like, our best form of attack,’ Jamie said, scratching at a particularly painful-looking spot on his chin, so Nina longed to perform an intervention on him. ‘I’d pick a hiding place, hope they don’t find you and if they do, pray that it’s quick.’ He looked around furtively. ‘Peter is an absolute beast.’
This rousing pep talk was met with groans. ‘So unfair,’ Sunil muttered. ‘I didn’t want to invite all my brother’s friends and my cousins but Mum said I had to and now they’re going to gang up on me like they usually do but with laser guns and on my birthday.’
‘Sucks, man.’
‘Your brother’s a dick, innit.’
‘When we going to Nando’s then?’
‘Gin cocktail, bigger than my head,’ Nina chanted again and Noah smiled sympathetically and Nina thought he might be coming round to her point of view but then he stepped forward.
‘Come on, guys!’ he said jauntily, which earned him ten evil looks. Eleven if you counted Jamie too. ‘Are you going to admit defeat that easily?’
‘Yes.’ And ‘What’s even the point?’ was the general consensus. Nina wondered aloud where Sunil’s parents were and why they were letting their son’s birthday party get derailed along with his dreams.
Apparently they were in a nearby Nando’s where Sunil and his guests would reassemble, and were under the mistaken belief that Sunil’s older brother, Sanjay, would look after him.
‘I don’t need looking after and anyway I hate him,’ Sunil said woefully. ‘This is, like, the worst birthday ever.’
‘No! We can still turn things round,’ Noah said, crouching down so he was on Sunil’s level rather than looming over him. ‘We’ve just got to have a plan and I am the man with the plan.’
Nina edged away as Noah started talking about ‘an element of surprise’, ‘pincer-like formations’ and ‘attacking them on the flanks’. Maybe if she kept edging away, she’d eventually find herself back at the entrance and could flee. Except, she was on a date, or a non-date, whatever, and Noah appeared to be in his element and wasn’t going to be leaving anytime soon.
He now had all the kids and Jamie gathered round him in a semi-circle, looking much cheerier than they had done, as they formulated their battle strategy.
‘The only thing is that we need to use someone as bait,’ Noah was saying regretfully. ‘So I’m afraid they’re going to have a pretty short game. Any volunteers?’
Nina practically mowed down her pint-sized laser- gun-toting compadres in her rush to step into Noah’s eyeline and put her hand up. ‘I’ll do it!’ she yelped. ‘Got to be a team player!’
‘Peter is going to be so mad,’ Jamie said gleefully. ‘I can’t wait to see defeat written all over him.’
‘And he’s definitely going to launch his attack from the church?’ Noah queried.
‘Always. If we win, he’ll put me on loo-cleaning duties for the rest of the year but it will be worth it,’ Jamie gloated. Nina hoped, really hoped, that Noah knew what he was doing and that he could rescue Sunil’s birthday from disaster and let Jamie take revenge on his despotic co-worker. But Peter had worked here for years and Noah had only been here for fifteen minutes, even if they were some of the longest fifteen minutes of Nina’s life.
‘Right, troops, let’s march out.’ Noah was really getting into character, but as Nina walked past him (no way was she marching) he winked at her.
When they reached the lame replica of a medieval village, Noah quickly and quietly dispersed his army, who split in two and belly crawled in opposite directions so their flashing lights wouldn’t be seen as they mounted their offensive positions.
‘OK, you know what to do?’ Noah asked Nina. ‘The success of this entire operation depends on your sacrifice.’
He’d gone method and though it pained Nina to admit it, Noah’s zeal, his eyes shining in the dim light, a huge grin on his face, was actually quite adorable.
‘Always happy to take one for the team,’ she drawled and she touched her hand to the side of her head in what was meant to be an ironic salute but Noah solemnly saluted back and then disappeared into the shadows.
Nina wasn’t belly crawling anywhere. Instead she ambled further into the medieval village, gun held in front of her, though every now and again she’d swing it around wildly as if she was genuinely staking out the place just to show willing. She headed for Ye Olde Red Bulle, a mock-tavern which sadly didn’t seem to serve any alcohol, when there was a large, lusty roar behind her and the other team ran out of the church and quickly had her surrounded.
‘Kill her!’ Peter shouted and Nina stood there while she was pelted by lasers. After a few seconds of being shot at, the lights on her vest, which had chafed something rotten, went out and she was dead. Metaphorically speaking.
‘You’re meant to die!’ Peter shouted at her. ‘On the floor.’
‘Dude, I’m wearing vintage, no way am I getting on the floor,’ Nina protested and as Peter argued back and his teammates stood around and watched, their guns hanging limply in their hands, Nina saw her own team quickly surround them and open fire.
They never knew what had hit them. One by one the lights went off on Team Peter’s vests until it was just Peter left, ducking and diving and contorting his body to try and deflect the laser tagging, until he was writhing on the ground, firing his gun into mid-air as all his lights went off one by one until there was just one forlorn light on his belt, blinking on and off.
‘Sunil, do the honours!’ Noah shouted. ‘Team, cover him!’
‘You won’t get away with this!’ Peter shouted back as Sunil stood over him and shot out his last light.
‘Oh, grow up!’ Nina hissed at him, as Sunil was swamped by his teammates and some excited and noisy high-fiving. ‘You just lost a stupid laser game. Deal with it!’
Peter struggled to his feet as even the dreaded Sanjay and his friends offered congratulations to Sunil who was smiling so hard, Nina feared that his face might snap in two.
‘I counted at least five illegal moves,’ Peter blustered and the grin on Sunil’s face faltered. ‘You’ll have to forfeit the game and I’m taking all of your names because you’re banned for life from …’
He stopped when Noah put a hand on his shoulder. ‘A word, please.’ It wasn’t a question, or even a suggestion but an order, which went with the grim expression on Noah’s face so that even Nina, who for once was wholly innocent, gave a guilty twitch.
As the lights came on, Noah led Peter over to a secluded corner and with arms folded, delivered a short speech. Noah didn’t put his hands on Peter and as far as Nina could tell over the excited chatter of the boys, he didn’t raise his voice, or even wag a finger or point. But whatever Noah was saying, it wiped the belligerent expression from Peter’s face, made his shoulders drop and he took a step back. Noah continued talking until finally Peter nodded.
The two of them walked back to where the boys were still congregated. Peter headed straight for Sunil, who tried to hide behind his older brother though Sanjay adroitly side-stepped away, leaving Sunil to face the wrath of the angry man in the boiler suit.
‘Well, yes, congratulations, young man,’ Peter said as if every word was choking him. ‘And happy birthday. I’d like to offer you and three friends a complimentary session at Ye Olde Laser Tag Experience anytime in the next six months.’
To his credit, Sunil didn’t gloat until they were all standing outside. ‘Yeah, I got him good! No one messes with the mighty Sunil!’
‘Shut up, Sunil,’ Sanjay said witheringly. ‘And thank the nice man and lady.’
Sunil solemnly shook hands with Noah and Nina like they were visiting dignitaries. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Do you want to come to Nando’s with us?’
‘It’s very tempting,’ Nina said. She turned to Noah. ‘Isn’t it?’
‘Very tempting,’ he agreed, with another of those almost imperceptible winks, unless you knew to look out for them.
‘But you don’t want us spoiling your cheeky Nando’s,’ Nina pointed out.
‘True dat,’ said Sanjay, the little beast, but Sunil shook his head.
‘Well, my parents will be there. So you’ll have other old people to talk to,’ he explained earnestly as Nina tried not to look too destroyed because she wasn’t even thirty and that wasn’t old, although, yes, she could easily have a ten-year-old son, even a twelve-year-old son like Sanjay, but she didn’t and anyway she was a fun grown-up.
‘I really need a gin cocktail bigger than my head,’ she explained to Sunil who blinked at her in confusion.
‘Another time,’ Noah said, putting his arm around Nina to guide her away. Then he paused. ‘How are you all getting to Nando’s anyway?’
‘We’re walking, bruh,’ someone called out. ‘Is only a minute away.’
‘We just have to ask a friendly-looking person which way the Mile End Road is,’ Sanjay said. He nodded decisively. ‘I think we go right.’
Nina sighed and pulled out her phone to call up Google Maps. They needed to go left. ‘Not a step!’ she barked. ‘We’re taking you to Nando’s.’
‘You’d better do what she says,’ Noah advised. He gave a theatrical shudder. ‘She’s frightening when she gets cross.’
‘Terrifying,’ Nina said in her scariest voice. ‘OK, get into pairs ’cause we are going to make like a crocodile and I don’t want any bitching about it.’
There was no bitching but quite a lot of groaning and then with Nina at the head and Noah bringing up the rear, they delivered twenty boys to Nando’s and the neglectful parents of Sunil and Sanjay.