Chapter Thirty-One − A Change in the Air
November came and went, and Derek found himself torn between relief and frustration.
Although Collin’s health gradually improved, returning colour to his cheeks and giving him a renewed appetite that especially his grandmother watched with delight, the whole family continued to watch him like a hawk for any signs of relapse. Still, Dr. Rosen felt it was safe to return to London, and step by step, the careful optimism turned to open joy at seeing the little boy’s health restored.
While Collin’s smiles and laughter improved everyone’s spirits, Derek could only wish that he and his wife could be equally fortunate with regard to their personal relationship. However, Madeline continued to keep him at a distance. These days she seemed preoccupied, and they hardly spoke. She did not even get angry at him, and he could not recall the last time she had snapped at him for one thing or another. It was as though the woman he had known−and come to love−had vanished, leaving behind an empty shell that moved and spoke, but did not feel.
At least not for him.
Whenever he saw her with Kara or Collin or even his mother, she was different. The smile on her face touched her eyes, and the strain he often detected on her face when she looked at him was curiously absent. With them, she was herself.
But not with him. And day by day, Derek found his old doubts and suspicions return bit by bit as though they had only waited in the shadows for him to reveal a weakness before they came rushing back, ready to attack him.
Had his wife been truthful about Townsend? Had she truly decided against him? Or had she merely convinced herself of it because she knew that−whether she liked it or not−she was now tied to Derek for life?
Had she finally come to resent him? Was this what the future would look like?
Since early November the weather had eased, and though it was still cold, the wind had calmed. Although the leak in Meagan’s roof had been fixed a fortnight ago, Derek continued to visit her. There was something about the way she looked at him that made him feel at ease. Somehow, she knew how he felt, and she understood.
It was a relief.
“Ye need to speak to her,” Meagan insisted, shaking her head at his stubborn resistance as she set down a steaming cup of tea on the table in front of him. “Don’t be a fool. Speak to her.”
Derek gritted his teeth, feeling the heat of the tea burn his fingers through the cup. “What if it simply makes things worse? What if−?”
“Don’t do this to yourself!” Meagan snapped, annoyance clearly visible in her bright blue eyes as she sank onto the chair opposite him. “Ye love her, don’t ye?”
Derek’s gaze narrowed.
“I’ll take that as a confirmation,” Meagan simply stated, a touch of amusement coming to her gaze. “Listen, the only reason ye’re resistin’ is because ye fear she does not care for ye, isn’t that so?”
Derek swallowed.
“Again, I’m glad ye’re so forthcoming with your answers.” Rolling her eyes, Meagan sighed. “Listen, when…Edward and I first met,” she took a deep breath, the hint of mischief suddenly gone from her eyes, “I was so nervous every time I saw him that I felt sick to my stomach.” A wistful smile touched her lips. “Some days, I would avoid him altogether, afraid of the moment I would find out that he did not care for me.”
“But he did,” Derek stated, a bit of a question in his tone.
“Of course, he did!” Once more shaking her head at him, Meagan sighed, “Do ye think I would’ve married a man who did not love me? What I’m trying to say is that he cared for me as much as I cared for him, and like myself, he was afraid that I did not feel the same way, that he was only imagining those moments when we couldn’t tear our eyes away from each other.” Smiling, she shook her head. “We spent weeks dancing around one another, afraid to say a word, and we wasted these weeks when we simply could have been happy.” Her eyes misted over as she looked at him, unashamed of the tear that rolled down her cheek. “Don’t waste your life loving her from a distance, afraid that she might not reciprocate. Let me ask ye this: what if she does?”
Derek frowned. “What if she does what?”
Again, Meagan rolled her eyes. “Love ye, ye fool? What if she loves ye?”
As Derek returned home that night, he could not forget the look in Meagan’s eyes as she had spoken to him so vehemently. And deep down, he felt guilty.
Meagan had lost the love of her life. She would never see him again. Never hear his voice again as he told her he loved her. Never again feel his touch as his arms embraced her. And still, she had found a way to continue. To be a mother to their children, to smile and laugh, even if sometimes it was with a tearful eye.
Compared to her sorrow, Derek could not help but feel cowardly.
His wife was alive, sleeping in the room next to him. He saw her every day. If he chose to, he could reach out and touch her, pull her into his arms and hold her tight. He could tell her that he loved her…even if she did not love him back.
He could do all those things, and yet, he did not.
Never in his life had Derek run away from fear. Still, he had never been more afraid than he was now.
Was it not better to suspect that she did not love him than to know it outright?
At that thought, Derek could see Meagan rolling her eyes at him, once again saying, What if she loves ye?
Although Meagan had become the nagging voice of his conscience, he went to see her often. Her little cottage was filled with warmth and love, and he enjoyed the silent peace that engulfed him there as he watched her tend to her children, telling them of the father they’d lost and would never see again. Little Erin probably did not even remember him as she had been only a baby when he had left for the war.
Still, Meagan found a way to conjure an image of her husband that would live on in his children’s hearts, comforting them.
“Go home,” she told him one night. “Ye spend too much time here.”
Derek shrugged. “This late in the year, there isn’t much to be done, especially with the days growing so short.”
“Then go home,” she snapped, clearly exasperated, and Derek wondered if he was overstepping his welcome. “Go and spend time with your wife. How do ye think it will look to her that ye spend all your time here? Don’t sabotage your marriage!”
“I’m not−”
“Go home!”
And so, he had left, carefully finding his way in the dark as he approached Huntington House. Lights glowed in the windows, and Derek was reminded of the night Collin had fallen ill. He drew in a deep breath as the panic of that night reclaimed him before it slowly dissipated, his lungs tingling with the cold night air.
“You’re back in time for supper.”
Swinging around, Derek stared at his wife as she stepped toward him out of the shadows. “I didn’t see you there,” he replied, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. A cough shook him as he grasped for words. “What are you doing out here?”
Breathing in deeply, she shrugged. “Thinking. Getting some air.”
“I see,” Derek mumbled, wishing they could speak to each other as they had before. “May I escort you back to the house then?”
“You may,” his wife replied before she stepped forward and met his gaze.
Derek swallowed his regret as he saw nothing warm in her eyes, only regret and…resignation. What had happened to the vivacious woman who had thrown herself into his arms a few weeks ago? What had opened such a chasm between them?
Derek did not know, and as November turned into December, his hope dissipated more and more each day.
“Ye cannot expect her to rush back into your arms,” Meagan counselled in her own rather forthright way, “if ye do not give her a reason to do so. Talk to her. Tell her how ye feel and stop bothering me with this.” Patting him on the shoulder, she sent him on his way.
Cursing his own cowardice, Derek strode back to the house, determined to finally speak his mind before his courage would fail him yet again. However, when he was about to open the back door to the kitchen, the sound of wheels churning on gravel caught his attention.
Darting around the house, he spotted a fine carriage pulling to a halt by the front steps. The coachman jumped down and hastened to open the door, which bore the coat-of-arms of…
Derek sighed and then strode forward as his best friend stepped out into the cold. “Tristan, what brings you here?”
“Not the weather,” his friend replied with a chuckle, “or the scenery, that’s for certain. Have you even done any work on the house at all?”
Derek grinned. “Not at all. May I offer you a box in the stables then? Maybe that will be more to your liking.”
Laughing, Tristan held out his hand and helped his wife out of the carriage.
“Lord Ainsworth,” Beth greeted him with a genuine smile on her beautiful face. “It’s so good to see you again. Please, do not mind my husband. On occasion, he forgets his manners.”
“I assure you I’m quite used to it, Lady Elton,” Derek teased, surprised how much he delighted in seeing his friends again so unexpectedly. “May I ask what brings you here this time of year? Surely, there are much more pleasant months to pay a visit.”
Beth smiled, placing a hand on her husband’s arm to keep him from saying something inappropriate in return. “I find the cold rather invigorating,” she beamed, her cheeks glowing with excitement. “In all honesty, though, we did not come to intrude, but merely thought to stop by on our way to Scotland. My husband’s sister invited us to spend the holidays.”
“Yes, I remember,” Derek replied, gesturing toward the front door. “Allow me to escort you inside and see to your rooms. I’m certain you would enjoy some hot tea.”
“That’s a marvellous idea!” Beth exclaimed, rubbing her hands together against the cold. “I fear my fingers may have broken off and are now rolling around in my gloves.”
Grinning at his wife, Tristan offered her his arm before he turned his gaze back to Derek, an all-too-serious expression in his eyes. “Not the stables then?”
Ignoring his friend, Derek strode up the steps and into the house, then led the way to the back where his family bustled in the kitchen, preparing supper.
After introductions had been made, Derek was relieved to see that his friends easily found their way around his family. Although he and Tristan had known each other for years, he had never been to Huntington House or met Derek’s mother.
“It’s so wonderful to see you again, Lord Elton,” Kara smiled, a hand on her belly. “I’d get up, but I just sat down and…”
Tristan grinned. “Don’t worry. We have not come to disrupt your family life. However, we would be grateful if you could grant us shelter for a few days.” He glanced at Derek, a mischievous sparkle coming to his eyes. “Your dear brother offered us the stable.”
Kara’s mouth dropped open in shock.
“I offered you the stable,” Derek corrected, ignoring his sister. “Your wife is more than welcome to a room upstairs.”
“That is too kind, Lord Ainsworth,” Beth stated, raising her eyebrows at her husband before she turned to Derek’s mother. “Is there anything I can help you with? This smells wonderful.”
Although Madeline seemed a bit taken aback with their surprise guests, she was soon lost in conversation with Beth, who had a natural ability to draw people in and make them feel at ease. Smiling, Derek watched them, wishing he and Madeline could interact with the same level of intimacy as his friend and his wife did. Was there even still a chance of that?
The next morning as Derek was about to step outside to retrieve a bucket of water from the well, Tristan approached him, his gaze narrowed, and his brows drawn down.
“Is something wrong?” Derek asked, eyeing him curiously, his gaze a bit unfocused as he leaned against the door frame. “Did you not sleep well?”
“Not quite,” Tristan replied, “as I’ve been wondering what on earth you did to make your wife glare at you as though she wishes to rip your heart out.”
Derek’s heart stopped…if only for a moment. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed!” Tristan scoffed, shaking his head, arms akimbo. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you gave her a reason to be jealous.” His gaze narrowed. “Did you?”
“Jealous? No!” Shaking his head, Derek stared at him. “That’s ludicrous! Why would she−?”
“Have you told her how you feel about her?” Tristan demanded as he approached, his watchful gaze fixed on Derek. Since when had his friend become this observant? Derek wondered. It was rather annoying! “Let me tell you, my life became a lot easier once I stopped fighting the fact that I was in love with my wife.”
Derek’s jaw clenched. “I would rather not discuss−”
“Fine, don’t talk to me,” Tristan relented, lifting his hands in surrender. “But please go and talk to her, will you?”
Derek sighed and then nodded, hoping his consent would put this conversation to rest.
“And don’t forget to tell her,” Tristan called after him as Derek turned back to the door, “that you’ve been in love with her since the first moment you saw her at the masked ball! What? Don’t deny it! It was written all over your face.”
***
Standing in the hall, outside the kitchen door, Madeline felt her heart leap out of her chest at Lord Elton’s words. Her eyes went wide, and she stumbled backwards until her back collided with the wall. With trembling knees, she sank to the floor as her lungs desperately tried to draw air into her body.
“Did you not know?” came Lady Elton’s voice from down the hall as she stepped forward, a joyous smile on her face. “I thought it was rather obvious.” For a long moment, her gaze held Madeline’s. “May I sit with you?” Without waiting for a reply, the viscountess lowered herself to the floor beside her.
Staring at the opposite wall, Madeline felt the world spin out of control as hope knocked down her defences and reclaimed her heart. Groaning, she pulled up her legs and rested her forehead on her knees. Had she not just spent weeks convincing herself that she had only imagined the connection between them? Had she not worked hard to get through the day without succumbing to tears every time her thoughts strayed to her husband and the Widow Dunning?
“Life is not easy, is it?” Lady Elton mumbled as though to herself. “Especially when love is involved.”
Lifting her head, Madeline sighed, “I don’t know if I dare believe−”
“Oh, but you do,” the viscountess insisted, her light blue eyes sparkling with delight as she placed a gentle hand on Madeline’s arm. “You simply don’t know if you dare admit it to yourself.” For a moment, she held her gaze. “Do you love him?”
Biting her lip, Madeline sighed, not knowing what to say. If she were to−
“Do you?”
Closing her eyes, Madeline nodded. “But he doesn’t−”
“Yes, he does.”
Meeting Lady Elton’s gaze, Madeline wished she could be as certain. “But if he truly does, why does he…? There is a woman, a widow, who lives not far from−” Shaking her head, Madeline squeezed her eyes shut, and unbidden, her mind immediately conjured the image of the beautiful, golden-haired woman in Derek’s arms.
“I see,” Lady Elton mumbled, her voice distant as though she was contemplating how best to reply. “I admit I do not know what happened. However, I feel compelled to tell you that Lord Ainsworth is a man of his word as you must already know. Therefore, I believe it highly unlikely that he would break his marriage vows.”
Madeline swallowed, “What if he didn’t, but…?”
“Wanted to?”
Nodding, Madeline closed her eyes, then rubbed her hands over her face as the unbidden image returned. “I cannot read him. Sometimes I feel as though he might care for me. The way he looks at me, talks to me, I…But then everything changes, and I…I don’t know. How can I be sure? How can I know how he truly feels?”
“Ask him.”
Staring at the viscountess, Madeline shook her head. “I cannot.”
“Why?”
“Because…” As the world began to spin again, Madeline felt a warm hand settle on hers. Opening her eyes, she found Lady Elton’s warm gaze on her, encouraging her to speak her mind. “Would he tell me the truth? He’s a man of honour and duty, would he not consider it his duty to protect me from−”
“He would not lie,” Lady Elton said with conviction, her voice serious and without humour, before a soft smile came to her face. “Let me tell you that you’re not alone in your doubts. We all know them. The only difference is whether or not we listen to them and allow them to control our lives.” Gently, she squeezed Madeline’s hand. “I understand that you would doubt your own observations as you are…biased by your own desires and hopes. However, my husband and myself are not afflicted by them, and we, too, believe that your husband loves you…and that you love him. Has it ever occurred to you that he might be holding back because he harbours the same fears as you do?”
As Lady Elton’s words sank in, Madeline wondered if it would be wise to risk her heart and attempt to claim her husband’s for herself before anyone else were to steal it away.
Wise or not, Madeline knew that if only she could find the courage to do so, she would not hesitate.