Chapter Sixty-Four

Reid

I walk downstairs, after having started Carrie her promised bath, when Gabe calls, “It wasn’t dad. I’m certain of it. You should have seen his face when I told him Carrie was moving in with you. I also called a friend who works at the fire department to verify what we’d been told. It was a machine in the restaurant and Carrie’s floor is a complete loss.”

I wait to digest that, to feel relief, but I’m not capable of that emotion at present. “Thanks, Gabe.”

“How is she?”

“As expected.”

“Right. I’ll check in.”

We disconnect and I’m standing at the damn bar in the corner of the living room and don’t know how I got there. That doesn’t happen to me. I press my hands on the cushioned counter and let my chin rest on my chest. I just blamed my father for her not trusting me when it was me who was the asshole in the beginning. Me, who still hasn’t told her why because it had nothing to do with her being a West and me a Maxwell. I have to tell her. If I want her to stay, I have to tell her what I’ve never shared with anyone. I have to trust her that much. There’s no escaping that reality and I really don’t want to escape, not if it means losing Carrie, and it might. I push off the counter and grab a bottle of wine and two glasses and head back upstairs.

Carrie’s not in the bedroom so I set the glasses on the nightstand and fill them both before entering the bathroom. Carrie is neck deep in bubbles that smell like my body wash, and damn, I like her in my tub and using my soap, which only drives home the conversation we need to have. Her lashes lift when she hears me enter. “Hey.”

“How’s the bath?”

“Good. It’s amazing how a hot bath can solve so much. Just getting rid of that chill helps so much.”

I sit down on the ledge next to the tub. “Wine?”

“Yes, please.” She lifts her wet, bubble covered hand and accepts it. She sips and nods her head in approval. “Good. Don’t ask the price, right? Just enjoy.” She sets the glass on the other side of the tub.

“Exactly. Gabe called a friend at the fire department.”

“And?”

“It really was a machine in the restaurant.”

Her eyes narrow. “You thought it was your father.” It’s not a question.

“I was plotting his certain death quite literally, yes.”

“I didn’t.”

“Why?”

“Maybe I haven’t known his evil to the extent you have, but I saw the intelligence in his eyes. An act that hurts others, that would come back on him, would put him in jail. And then he wouldn’t get to wear his suits at inappropriate times.”

I laugh, and considering my state of mind, only this woman could make that happen right now. “Very true. Very true.” I lean in and kiss her, but I pull back, the laughter fading into my mission, into the truth. “I know I was an asshole to you, but it had nothing to do with the company or our names.”

“Then what? What are you telling me?”

“That’s a complicated answer, but one you deserve.” I lean back. “Enjoy your bath and your wine. We can talk later.” I exit the bathroom and I grab the bottle of wine and my glass before walking into my escape room off the bedroom, where I sit down.

Carrie is smart and intuitive. She knows I’m holding something back. She probably thinks it’s about the takeover, or my intentions toward her father, or even her. But she’s still with me because she also senses how damn much I care about her. I want her to wake up tomorrow morning and make my bed her bed. I fill my glass, trying to prepare myself mentally for this conversation. Fuck. Maybe it needs to wait. Her apartment burned down tonight. Or maybe that’s why it has to happen tonight, so she knows I mean it when I say I want her here.

I’m on my second glass of wine when Carrie joins me, sitting next to me, her body draped in a pink silk gown. She sets her wine glass on the table in front of us and I do the same. She scoots closer, her leg next to my leg, her hand on my knee. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Never before, but with you, yes. I think you need to know why I am how I am. Or was. You’ve done a lot to change me and even now, at times, I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Embracing that change is going to take a while. You need to know that, too.” I reach for my glass and down my wine.

“We have to do this now.”

I set my empty glass down and look at her. “We do, because I know how this affects me, how it’s shaped me, but you don’t, and that makes you afraid to let your life become completely entwined with mine. And that decision is upon us, Carrie. I want you here and you have to decide if you want to be here with me.”

“I’ll tell you the exact thought I had when you left the bedroom: I want to live with you, but not with secrets and lies.”

“Then I was right. You need to hear this.” My hands go to my knees and I lower my chin to my chest. “When I was a first-year law student, I was dating a girl who was really into me. I wasn’t really into her, but you know, I was young enough to want a convenient fuck.” I look at Carrie. “That’s the truth, as shitty as it sounds, but I’m not holding back.”

“You can tell me anything. I promise.”

I puff out a breath. “I finally decided I had to break it off with her. She said the L-word and I knew that meant that the situation was out of control. I decided that particular night. We stopped in a convenience store on the way back to my place.” I stretch my neck left and right. “It was being robbed.”

“Oh God,” Carrie whispers.

I rotate to face her because I need to own this. “I’ve never told anyone this. Gabe doesn’t know. Not beyond the outcome. Cat doesn’t know at all. No one knows.”

She takes my hands. “I’m listening.”

“The guy had a gun and he was going to shoot the clerk. I yelled and I took a step toward him to try and stop him. He turned and pointed the gun at me and Kelli—that was her name—threw herself in front of me. And she died.”

“Oh my God. Oh my God. Reid.”

“I led her on and she obviously really loved me. And what did she get for it? Dead.”

“And that’s when you considered criminal law.”

“Yes. I wanted to do something to make a difference, but the system is fucked with limitations and I’m sure you know by now, that I don’t do well with limitations. And rolling around in that kind of criminal law hell, wasn’t allowing me to move on. I refocused on corporate law and stepped away from pretty much everyone. I didn’t want anyone caring enough to end up hurt over me. Even Cat. She’s the kind of person who would throw herself in front of a bullet for someone she loves.”

Tears pool in Carrie’s eyes. “The pain and guilt you must still struggle with.”

“I found a place to put it. I don’t think about it anymore except for random moments and yeah, they still gut me. I hated when Cat went to work for the DA right out of school. I knew she was putting herself in the sights of criminals. That’s when she and I really hit a wall. I wanted her with us, where I could protect her.”

“Did you tell her you felt that way?”

“No. I just drove at her like a bulldozer.”

Carrie pushes me against the couch and climbs on top of me, her hands on my cheeks. “Thank you for telling me. I understand so much now.”

“I don’t think you do. I didn’t want to care about you, but there was something about you from the moment I met you. I knew you were a West, but I didn’t stay away. I knew that would cause us both grief, but I didn’t stay away. It wasn’t to punish you or to hurt you. It was because I couldn’t.” I roll her to her back and lower myself over her. “I can’t, Carrie. Because I love you too damn much.”

“You love me?”

“Yes, baby, I love you. So damn much. I know it’s probably soon to say that, but I’ve never said it to anyone. I—”

“I don’t hate you like you predicted, but I get that now. I love you, too. And, Reid, I did need to hear this. I needed to understand why you were an asshole and why you are who you are.”

“Then you’ll move in with me.”

“Yes. I will. I want to. I wanted to. I just needed—more. And you gave it to me.”

“More,” I whisper. “That’s the word that defines every moment I am with you. I want more. I am more because of you. Do you know what I want the most right now?”

“Dinner?”

I laugh. “Dinner would be good, but how about we eat it in my bed that is now our bed?” I stand up and pick her up, carrying her to the bedroom and laying her on the bed and setting on top of her. “Our bed, baby.”

Her arms wrap my shoulders. “Our bed.”

Our bed and our life. I’m going to marry this woman. She just doesn’t know it yet.