Bella took a deep breath and thought about Axel’s question. If she did want what they had to continue, it was going to be a long road ahead. Even if the brothers started to tolerate him—and she couldn’t expect any more from them than that when it came to a cop—it was still going to be a bumpy ride.

The worry gnawed at her when she thought about his coming to the club’s Christmas party to the point it turned her stomach. Things could go so wrong.

The only good thing was all the DAMC women would be thrilled he showed up with her, as would her uncle, Ace, and his wife, Janice. She wasn’t lying when she told Axel that. Ace had reached out to Axel and Mitch several times, trying to convince them to visit Z while he was in prison. They refused. She understood how it might make two police officers look, having a son and a brother doing time, but even so...

“Why didn’t you ever visit Z in prison?” she asked softly.

“That wasn’t an answer to my question.”

“I know, and you want to avoid mine, too.” She sighed softly. “I honestly don’t know that answer, Axel. If I had to answer that today, I would say probably not.”

His body jerked slightly under her cheek which she had pressed to his chest. “Bella,” he whispered, the hurt clear in his voice.

“That’s not what you want to hear, but it’s the only answer I have if you need to know today.”

“And if I ask tomorrow?”

“It’s not just us, Axel. You know that. Our lives aren’t simple. We don’t live in a bubble. We’re so different. You and your father don’t want to recognize where you came from. What your grandfather built. What our grandfathers built.”

“Fuck! My grandfather died because of the club. He was murdered by Warriors.”

“I know that.”

“And my uncle’s doing life in prison for retribution. So is your grandfather, Bella. This isn’t some game. Those were human lives they took. By doing that, they acted as judge and jury. My father and I swore an oath to help save lives. To keep people safe.”

“Exactly my point of how different we are. And it’s not only that. I can’t...” She didn’t want to talk about this, about why he needed to rethink all of this. “Axel, you need to think about the future.”

“We’re working on that now, aren’t we? We’re trying to repair some of the damage done from the past.”

She shook her head. “It’s not that simple.”

“No shit.”

“I’m not talking about your family and mine, though that’s a big obstacle in itself.”

“Then what?”

“You know what happened to me.”

“Fuck!” he shouted, making her jump. He grabbed her chin and turned her face up to him. “We went through this already.”

“No! No, that’s not... that’s not what I’m saying... I don’t... have... a womb.”

He blinked at her, his expression confused. “Yeah, which is great because I don’t have to wear a fucking condom and we don’t have to worry about you getting—” He stopped abruptly. She watched as the emotions changed on his face. From confusion to clarity to what looked like a mix of grief and guilt.

He scrubbed a hand over his hair and blew out a breath. “Fuck, I’m so sorry. That was... a callous thing to say.”

She forced herself to swallow the knot in her throat. “But it’s true,” she said softly. “And if you’re talking future, Axel, you need to think about that. I may not be able to give you everything you want or need.”

He interlaced his fingers with hers and lifted their joined hands to his mouth. “I want you.” He kissed the back of her hand. “I need you.”

She closed her eyes for a moment, trying to slow her pounding heart. It sounded so simple, but she knew it wasn’t. He might want her now, but when it hit him later that she couldn’t be everything he wanted or needed her to be, he could come to resent her.

And to let herself become emotionally invested in him and to have that happen... It would be devastating. At least for her, if not him.

“There are so many other women out there that would be better for you. Women who would fit into your lifestyle, mesh with your career, make your father happy, give your parents grandchildren. None of those are me. You need to face that, Axel.”

“All obstacles we can overcome.”

“Holy fuck, are you Jamisons stubborn.”

“Right and you Doughertys aren’t?”

“I’m a McBride,” she corrected him. “Though, only because of my sperm donor.”

“Baby, you’re pure Dougherty through and through. McBride’s just a name. I take it your father isn’t invited to the party.”

Bella snorted. “Not unless he wants Ace to put a bullet between his eyes.”

“You’ve heard nothing?’

“No, not once. Hell, he didn’t want one kid and by the time mom popped out the third one in three years, he turned tail and ran as fast as he could.” Neither her nor Dex remembered anything about their father. Dex was two and Bella was only a year old when Ivy was born. Three young children were a lot for anyone to handle but for someone who disliked kids? Impossible. The man just up and rode off on his Harley with all of their money stuffed into his pockets. If it wasn’t for her Uncle Ace, Aunt Janice, and her Aunt Annie, Kelsea’s mother, her mom would’ve struggled to raise three children on her own.

Axel was quiet for a moment. “Want me to find him for you?”

She widened her eyes at him. “Seriously? If I wanted to know where that fucker was I would’ve asked Diesel. His crew is good at finding people.” She thought about D and the Toys for Tots issue. “Which is why we should have him help find the stolen toys.”

“No.”

“Axel.”

“Bella, no. Keep him out of it. I’m on it. No reason to make a bad matter worse. And that’s all he’ll do.”

“But he—”

“No, Bella,” he said in his deep cop voice.

Fuck. She wiggled her eyebrows at him. “Can we negotiate?”

“Nope.”

Double fuck. If Axel found out she told D, he was going to be pissed. She’d have to remind D to keep a low profile when he was doing his own investigation...

“How’s your investigation going with that?” Maybe Axel would give her some leads that she could give to Diesel.

“Sounds like the Warriors. Everyone describes two bikers coming in saying they’re DAMC.”

“Not wearing colors?”

“No. None. I sent out a press release today and it should be on the news tonight. Now people will be keeping an eye out.”

“Too late, though.”

“I also mentioned that we’re asking the public to step up and donate.”

“I hope it works.”

“Most people get upset when something like this affects children. We may get more donations now than ever. Everyone at the station has pledged to donate at least five more toys each.”

“Time’s running out, Axel.”

“It’ll be fine. We can do this.”

“Still want those bastards caught.”

“You know they’re wily fuckers. Never staying in one place too long. Which reminds me, I do need to stop in and talk to Ace.”

“About what?”

“He might have close connections with the area pawn shops. They may be more willing to give him a heads up if the stolen goods show up in their shops than they would be talking to the PD. We did put a notice out to all pawn shops in Pennsylvania and the surrounding states.”

Ace. It was a good idea to stop in and talk to him. She may have to do that before Axel. She needed to check the boxes she’d set up there, anyhow. She’d left the toys in all the club’s donation boxes at the DAMC businesses since they were safer there for now.

“What should we do about storing any of the toys we collect from here on out?”

“We’ve got an empty office at the station we’re going to use. If you want—”

“No. I’ll find a safe spot.” Like D’s warehouse. But she wasn’t going to tell Axel that because then he’d realize she told Diesel about the Warriors’ thieving asses. “How am I supposed to keep this from the guys?”

“Eventually you’re not going to be able to. I’m just asking for you to keep it between us for now, so we at the PD can do our jobs and not worry about a bunch of vigilantes interfering.”

“Vigilantes,” she snorted.

Axel cocked an eyebrow her way. “How much do you know about Diesel’s so-called Shadows.”

“Not much.”

“When I questioned you in the hospital the day D got shot, you looked like you knew more than you wanted to say.”

She avoided his eyes. “Right. Club business and all that.”

Axel sighed and sat up, dislodging her again.

She rolled onto her side and propped her head up on her hand. “What?”

He stared at her until a tingle skittered down her spine. It was not the pleasurable type of tingle. Disappointment crossed his face. “You’re right. This isn’t going to work, Bella. If you’re going to hide shit from me, lie to me when it comes to the club and everyone involved, it’s not going to work. There can’t be any secrets between us.”

Her heart thudded in her chest. “You know the women aren’t involved in club business.”

His blue eyes narrowed on her. “Bullshit. You know more than you let on.”

“That’s why I said you needed to find someone who would mesh with your lifestyle and career, Axel. There’s no fucking way I’m telling a cop—even if it’s you—anything about the club that they don’t want you to know.”

“Bella...”

“No, it’s unfair that you would ever even ask me that. I have my loyalties.”

He threw up his hands. “And there we go. You’re loyal to the club but would lie to me. That’s just great.”

She sat up, dragging the sheet more securely around her. “You’re assuming I lie to you or will in the future. I don’t know dick about D’s getting shot.”

“Nothing about Squirrel and Black Jack’s disappearance?”

She hesitated, then studied a loose thread in the sheet. “Whatever happened, they had it coming to them.”

“Fuck, Bella. That’s the shit I can’t get involved in. You shouldn’t get involved in. That could make you an accessory after the fact. Oh fuck, it better be after the fact and not before. Fuck, Bella.” He buried his head into his hands.

“Axel,” she murmured, touching his arm.

He dropped his hands and studied her for a moment. “No, this is not good. You need to promise me... You need to tell me when illegal shit happens, and you need to keep your hands clean. I can’t be a part of that, Bella. I can’t lose my career. It’s against everything I stand for. Do you understand that?”

She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. Her mind spun. “I can’t do that. I’m not going to turn in anyone from the club. Ever. Especially Diesel and Hawk. My brother. Zak. Whoever. It’s never going to happen.”

Axel closed his eyes and groaned. “Then we’re done here.” His deep voice sounded tight.

Her heart skipped a beat then began to thump furiously. “Done?” She threw off the sheet and climbed out of his bed, searching for her clothes. She snagged her panties and yanked them on. “I never wanted this to start. You pushed it. You didn’t listen, Axel. You!” She put on her bra and slipped her shirt over her head, pulling her long hair out of the neckline.

She glared at him. He sat in bed, staring at her, his face pale but unreadable.

“I always knew this would be temporary. I knew it would never work.” She grabbed her jeans, hopping up and down as she tugged them on. “You can’t make me choose, Axel. I won’t do it. So, if you can’t accept me for who I am, which is DAMC, then fuck you.”

“Bella...”

“No. I’ve always been DAMC and always will be.”

“Even after Rebel—”

All the breath left her lungs and she jerked up a hand. “Don’t even go there. Don’t you dare use him against me. Don’t you use my mistakes against me.”

She yanked on her socks and boots, zipping them up. As she straightened, she tossed her head.

Pulling the covers aside, he moved to get out of bed, but she screamed, “Don’t you dare get out of that bed until I’m gone.” If he came over to her, if he touched her in any way, she was going to break. And she needed to stay strong. At least until she was out of his apartment. She planted her hands on her hips. “Why did you do this to me, Ax? Why?”

“I didn’t do anything to you,” he said softly, his eyes searching her face.

She swallowed and tried to keep her expression as neutral as possible. She couldn’t show him how hurt she was. “Yes, you did. You convinced me to let you in and I mistakenly did. Another bad decision.” She bounced her fist on her forehead, then let a “Fuck!” burst out of her.

“Don’t compare me to him.” His words were harsh and low as he got out of bed.

She lifted a hand to stop him from approaching. “Don’t come near me. Not now, not ever again. Stay the fuck away from me.” With that, she turned on her heel and left his bedroom, jerking the door closed.

She grabbed her leather jacket on the way out then slammed his front door behind her so hard the wall rattled.

She stomped down to her car just like he stomped on her heart.

It wasn’t until she was in her car and halfway home that she allowed the first tear to fall.