Somewhere along the way,
I changed my way of thinking.
I was no longer missing you.
You were missing out on me.
Day 385 Post-Gavin
I’d agreed to dinner with Efrain, unsure of what we were doing after last night’s confessional with Gavin. We’d started doing them every night.
Text messages between Efrain and I weren’t as frequent after I’d explained to him who Gavin was.
Dinner wasn’t filled with as much conversation as usual, with neither of us bringing up the one thing that was on both of our minds. The third person who hadn’t been invited to dinner but was still there in spirit.
So, I wondered . . . is this purgatory?
Still, we were friendly and there were moments where the guy I’d met on my sister’s stoop peeked out, reminding me why I’d even given him my number.
It’s strange to sit here with this man on our way back to my place and connect in a real way with Gavin so close by. The streetlights pass, dark then light, then dark again.
With every illuminated moment, I’m a little terrified.
Please don’t try to kiss me, I pray to anything listening.
I recognized the look in his eyes tonight whenever I’d speak.
All night, he gave me big eyes, the kind that he’d widen as much as he could without looking strange, just to take in as much as he could of me.
He’d steal glances at me, when he thought I wasn’t paying attention.
I was always paying attention. I’d learned to do that when my heart had been stolen from me. My hands had been outstretched, willing to give him my love.
He took it.
And never gave it back.
All my love was with Gavin, when he was in Pakistan, and with him now that he was here.
And so, this very nice man who often reminded me of Gavin, had no chance.
I have no love left to give, even if he deserves it.
Because just like there are ways that they’re similar, there are so many ways that they aren’t. And those differences only frustrate me further.
I’m looking for one man in the eyes of another.
It’s a losing game.
He fumbles with his wording and I pretend not to notice.
“So, ah . . .”
All the while, in my head, I’m filled with poisonous thoughts.
I’m so very easy to fall in love with.
Men, they fall for my passion.
They love the fire in my soul.
They love it so much that they try to control it.
They try to harness it for their own gain.
I’ll burn to ash before I give my power away again.
Before these thoughts leave me, I type them into my phone.
When I glance at Efrain, he’s quietly driving.
“Did you hear me?” he asks after a beat.
“Sorry, no. I just remembered something.” I tuck my phone into my purse and face him as much as the seatbelt allows.
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
I mentally go over the day’s plans.
“I have work and then I’m supposed to have dinner with my . . . family.”
Efrain’s face shows no reaction.
And that, the difference there, is like a glaring light.
Gavin would’ve known how ridiculous that word sounds coming out of my mouth. And while I’m sure if Efrain knew all there is to know about my sordid past, he’d have some sort of similar reaction, it doesn’t change how I feel.
Because he doesn’t. And I can’t make him learn me at a fast enough pace to genuinely offer comfort. It’s unfair that it all comes down to timing.
If I’d met Efrain before Gavin, this would likely be going so differently.
And if Gavin had met me years prior or maybe after he got back from Pakistan . . .
Still, I wasn’t going to focus on the things I couldn’t change anymore.
Because at the end of the day, I was still sitting in a car with one man while in a constant battle over being in love with another man.
Efrain hums his response and I rub my hands over my denim covered thighs.
“How’re you feeling about everything?”
The words fly from my lips before I can give them too much thought.
“What? Your ex being back?”
When he glances at me, I nod.
“I think the more important question is how are you feeling.”
Silence. The damn silence between us and the damn lights that only show every other emotion in my eyes.
It’s impossible to shrug off.
“I’m not sure,” I say, honestly. “Angry.”
He chuckles.
“Understandable. Anything else?”
“Confused.”
He taps his thumbs on the steering wheel, quiet, eyes on the road.
I worry when he doesn’t say anything, picking at the thread on the holes at my knees.
“I figured.” He pulls over in a fast food parking lot. There’s so much tension as he does so, his actions tight and measured.
The irrational part of me wonders if he’s going to kill me.
Where would he hide my body, I think as I look around.
He unbuckles his seatbelt and faces me.
“Denise, I’m not him. So, I’m not going to try to pretend I have any control or assume that you are going to choose me or even have to.”
I stare at him and I guess he takes that as encouragement to continue.
“I assume there’s a ton of history there and you’ve been through real shit with him. I’ve only ever wanted a chance. That’s it. I don’t want to be another stressful thing in your life. I just want a chance to make you happier than he did.”
This is fucked.
Because it sounds so beautiful.
What do you do when you hear all the right things coming from the wrong mouth?
Tell the truth, for once.
I take a deep breath and sit back in the passenger seat.
“I still love him,” I whisper, looking down at my hands. “It’s so stupid, but I do.”
With every broken part of me.
When I saw Gavin, I wanted to be angry. I wanted to shut him away and protect myself.
Because when you love big, you never fully come back from it.
Efrain could say whatever he’d like about Gavin reappearing in my life because Efrain didn’t know what that was like.
Big love makes big mistakes and comes back even bigger.
Gavin knew me well enough to know a simple apology wouldn’t suffice. He’d have to show me he was willing to work.
He’d have to show me. Himself, his heart, his fear, his sadness.
And maybe Efrain would find someone to bring these ideas out of him. Someone worth risking your own pride over.
Or maybe he’d only ever know a peaceful love.
All I knew, for absolute certainty, was that his love wouldn’t be with me.
Whether I got back with Gavin or not, Efrain and I were not something that would work.
Efrain sighs.
“I don’t think anything I say will make that go away.”
I laugh and shake my head as tears fall.
“Right.” He turns his car back on. “I’ll take you home, then.”
As we make our way back to my apartment, I want to tell Efrain not to hate me. To suggest being friends.
But nothing in my head would sound right out loud. It would all sound like a waste.
He and I would never be friends. For different reasons than Gavin and me, for sure.
But he’d attempted for a certain position in my life. To offer him less would be an insult to his pride.
So, I mourn another loss in my life. Only, for the first time, this one is my choice.