Chapter Thirty
Veronica
I thought I heard a knock at the door, but I wasn't sure. I stayed put just to see if it would happen again. It did.
I got up and walked over to get it. My body unclenched, I had been sitting in one spot too long. It was Friday night. I had gone into hibernation mode the minute I'd gotten home from school. At some point, outside the sun must have set.
Unlocking the door, I stopped. What if it was Roman? I hadn't touched my phone since I had sat down on my couch. Would he have called before coming over? I didn't know. If he had and I had missed it, he had taken that as a sign not to come over. I balked, not really wanting to open it anymore. The knock came again.
"Vee? Open up" the voice on the other side called. I sighed – relieved and disappointed in equal parts. I opened the door.
"It's about time. I was starting to think you had died in here."
"Sorry. I wasn't expecting anyone," I said, walking back to the couch.
The television was only on for the noise. I had put an old episode of Sex and the City on, something frivolous that would make enough noise to drown my thoughts out. It was sort of working, but not that well. I turned it off. Tiff came up and stood over me, arms crossed.
"If I missed your call I'm sorry. I haven't looked at my phone-"
"Vee, cut it out," she said.
"Cut what out? What is it?"
"I've been trying your phone all afternoon. I thought you might be with Roman. Tell me why when I talked to him, he told me he hadn't talked to you since last night when you broke up with him?" I stood and walked past her.
"I mean, that's the whole story right there; what did you think I was going to tell you that was different from that. You wanted to know whether it was true?"
"You can't be serious, Vee. What the hell is going on? Why would you do something like that?"
I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge – just a ploy to get away from Tiff, not because I was hungry, even though I hadn't eaten since I had gotten home. I pulled out some water and screwed the cap off.
"Because I didn't want to be with him anymore. That's why relationships usually end."
"Did you get into a fight or something?" she asked. I sipped the water, biding time so I didn't have to answer her immediately.
"I just realized things weren't going right," I tried to say casually.
"Veronica." I didn't like her tone. She sounded like a disapproving parent.
"What? What did you want me to do if it didn't feel right anymore?"
"What was it, two days ago when you couldn't stop talking about how happy you were with him?"
"I spoke too soon," I said.
"What happened?"
"Last year happened, Tiff."
"I thought you guys talked it out."
"That doesn't change that it happened and it doesn't change that he had the nerve to think it wouldn't be a problem after all this time. I wanted my life back. I kept going when he left me, and he didn't give a shit that maybe I was happier that way."
"You weren't. I was there, Vee. Both of you were still so hung up over each other. You asked me whether he was seeing someone else."
"It doesn't matter now. I'm done living in the past." I didn't believe myself, but I was hoping that she would. That or she'd just fold and let it go. If I told her what it was, she'd just go tell her brother.
"Was it what I told you?" she asked. I tried to keep my face neutral.
"No. Nothing like that. It was just me and what I had to do."
"You really have to do this again to figure out that you're meant for each other?"
"That's the thing. We aren't. When he dumped me last year, it was because he didn't want to be honest with me. Didn't trust me with the news that he had to leave. I had no idea that was how he felt. We weren't on the same page, and that is why it doesn't matter if we got together now. It wouldn't work. He doesn't feel the same way I do."
It was only half a lie. There was some truth there, but I had forgiven Roman for what he had done. I didn't want to dwell on that when I loved him so much and saw how earnestly he wanted to correct the situation.
"I can't believe this is happening again."
"This will be the last time," I said.
"Are you okay?"
"I will be."
"I'm sorry this is happening. It must be hard, even though this is the second time."
"I'll be okay. I was last time," I said, shrugging. She came over and hugged me.
"How do drinks sound?"
"Are you buying?"
"Of course," she said, grinning.
I was kidding, but a drink did sound good. She waited for me while I hopped in the shower and made myself presentable. Putting makeup on was therapeutic in a way. It got you ready to, well, pretend, and that was what I had to do tonight. I wanted to have a good time. It would be hard, but I wanted to give it my best shot. For my sake and Tiff's, too. I had broken up with him this time – I had a shorter misery grace period.
We each took our cars, stopping for dinner before finding a bar. It was Friday night, so there were a good number of people in it. Some people I recognized from school, doing with their summer what part of me still wished that I could have done.
How would things have gone differently if I hadn't forced the summer classes thing? I wondered. I'd been so set on it that I hadn't thought past anything other than maybe going home. I could have gone on vacation, disappeared till it was fall. If I had, I would have missed Roman completely and none of this would have happened.
He could have made the decision to join the team and left for Miami all without me even hearing about it. I could have spent this time traveling, hiking, bumming at my parents' place – anything but this. It would have simple. I never would have had to make space for him in my life again, just to rip him out as violently as he ripped himself out the first time.
He'd meet someone in Miami eventually, I'd meet someone here, or wherever I ended up after graduation, and our lives wouldn't cross paths again. I didn't want to remember it, lying in bed with him, making love, hearing him say he loved me... If I was getting rid of the bad, the good had to go with it. This was for him. I'd survive, but there was no guarantee that he would get another team offer like this if he turned this one down.
"Can I get you ladies anything?" a waitress asked. I just repeated what Tiffany asked for. A mojito, even though I didn't tend to drink tequila-based cocktails. My usual was wine, but I was feeling like something stronger fit the occasion better. I started feeling warm after downing half the glass.
"Can we talk about what happened?" she asked.
"Are you asking me to sit here and trash him? I don't know how I feel about that."
"You would if it was anyone else."
"I would if it was him, too... There just isn't a reason to with him. I made this decision. He made some mistakes, some stuff I couldn't get over. He wasn't a dog."
"I'm still here if you ever want to talk."
"Sorry for putting you in this position."
"All I can do is trust that both of you are happy with what you choose, whatever it is."
"Did he tell you nothing?"
"Earlier today, we ate lunch together. He... Sorry, you probably don't want to talk about him," she said.
"He's your brother. He's bound to come up," I said, trying to sound nonplussed.
"You two were friends, too, right? Do you think you'll ever get to that place with him?"
"I don't know. It’s too soon to tell," I said. Way too early. I knew I could offer him my friendship, but I didn't know how I'd be happy with just that. Especially if he ended up dating someone else. It was bound to happen. I didn't expect him to become celibate because of me, but the thought did make my stomach feel tight.
"Will it be one of those situations where I can't hang out with the two of you at the same time?"
"I'm sorry in advance," I said sheepishly.
"If anything, it won't last longer than the summer, I guess," she said shrugging.
"Yeah? Why just the summer?"
"Because he's leaving. He confirmed his position with the team. He's flying down to Miami in a couple weeks.
"He took the position? That means he's moving?" I asked, a little too frantically. I sipped my drink.
"Yeah. Relocating to sunny Florida. Lucky bastard," she said.
"I'm glad he's going."
"Because it's less awkward for you?"
"No... Yeah, but this is what he's always wanted. I'm glad he's getting to do it."
"You have got to be the friendliest ex he could have gotten stuck with," she said. "Can I say... He's still here for two weeks. He'd appreciate hearing that from you."
"I don't think so," I said wryly.
"For the years of romance and history, one last goodbye in person."
"I'll think about it," I said, so she'd stop pushing. I didn't trust what I would do seeing him again, and I knew my resolve was as weak as him reaching out to touch me, kiss me, say that he still loved me. I couldn't do that to him.
I didn't know whether I could be this strong for two weeks, but I'd try. I wanted him to be happy – this was how it had to happen for him. I could do it if it was for him.