Chapter one
Living in limbo somehow makes the world slow down. Every day feels like it’s never going to end and when it finally does, the next day you wake up just to start all over again. Sitting at my dining table, I bring a spoonful of warm, cinnamon raisin oatmeal to my mouth and mull over the night two weeks ago that changed everything.
Aiden swears he didn’t see Jessie, but Ryan says she was there; he actually physically saw her. Is there a possibility the child is his? Aiden’s not sure. His uncertainty is driving a wedge between us. Although, I’m not the one backing away this time. It’s him. I place my hand flat on the wood table and stare at my gorgeous ring.
He feels conflicted and guilty he can’t remember, so he’s pulling away from me. It’s the first time since we’ve met that he isn’t fighting for us. I hate being on this end, but that’s okay. I can fight for us. It’s time he sees how much I want this. Nothing will get in our way. Even a lying bitch like Jessie.
“Hi, Addie,” Lexi says, yawning and stretching as she walks out of her room. She comes over to me, and I pull her in for a hug.
“Good morning, Lulu.” I place a kiss on her forehead. She’s Lulu to everyone except Aiden. I think she’ll always be Tater Tot to him, and she loves it.
“Is Aiden coming over today?” She misses him. Hell, so do I.
“I don’t know, sweet girl. He’s been busy with work. We’ll see him soon though.” I sigh and hug her again. I’m going to call him and tell him he needs to come over. We haven’t seen him in three days, and it’s not beneath me to guilt him into coming over either.
After we finish eating, I send Lexi to go take a shower and get ready to go to the park. My hope is I can talk Aiden into going with us. I pick our empty bowls off the table and place them into the sink. Singing fills the air, so I know Lexi is in the shower. I smile, remembering when someone asked her if she sang in the shower. She was really confused, but ever since then she’s demanded to take showers and sings while she does it.
I glance around the room, spot my phone on the entry table, and walk over to pick it up. My finger hovers over his number. Please, say yes. I press my finger down and put the phone against my ear. I close my eyes and hope he wants to see me today.
“Hey, Addison.” His voice trails off, and I swallow the uneasiness I’m feeling.
“Are you doing anything today?” My tone is hopeful. When he doesn’t answer right away, I continue. “Lexi was asking if we were going to see you today. We’re going to the park. It’d be great if you went with us.” My words are out quick, maybe a little desperate. I don’t care. I am desperate. Goddammit, I just want see my fiancé.
After a few beats, he says, “You had to pull the Lexi card, didn’t you?”
“I shouldn’t have to. I miss you, Aiden.” I walk to the windows and look down at the people enjoying the outdoors. Leaning my head against the glass, I wish he’d tell me he missed me, too.
If I couldn’t hear him breathing, I’d think he had hung up. I keep quiet and let him work through it in his mind. Deep down I know he wants to say yes, but the guilt he harbors has put up a wall that so far has been impenetrable. God, I’ve tried to break it down. Right now, he feels more guilt over being away from Lexi than the whole Jessie situation. He would do anything for his Tater Tot. I hate that I’ve had to use her like this, but he hasn’t given me any other choice. I’ve tried showing up at his work, banging down his door at his apartment…I even stake out his apartment so he has to see me when he leaves. Unfortunately, it’s always the same response: I just need to figure this out. And every time he says it, my heart twists in pain.
“Okay…when?” he finally answers. A huge smile spreads across my face, and I throw an arm in the air. Yes!
“Ten. I told Lexi I’d take her to the zoo so she can feed the penguins. We’ll meet you outside the entrance?”
“I’ll be there.”
“I love you, Aiden.”
“I know, babe. I love you, too.” His words are sad, but at least he said it. I’ll take what I can get right now. We hang up and I peek down at the time on my phone. Nine-thirty. Crap! Why didn’t I tell him ten-thirty? I run into my room and yell for Lexi to get out of the shower. I have learned that when you have a child, you need to always tack on an extra hour of prep time. Kids are not fast when you need them to be. I don’t understand it; they run around like flies on speed all day but the second you tell them to do something, they immediately turn into sloths. Thankfully, when I tell Lexi we’re meeting Aiden, she manages to get ready in record time. I guess I need to start using Aiden, too. I wonder how long I can use them as motivational tools to get what I want from each of them. They’re bound to catch on eventually.
***
“Where is he?” Lexi asks, skipping around outside the zoo. I’m sitting on a brick wall, watching her twirl all around. Glancing at my watch, it’s ten after ten. I refuse to think he would bail on us. When I look up to answer her, Aiden comes into my view outside the ticket booth. Our eyes lock. All the air around us gets sucked into the large breath I take. It’s not until Lexi sees him, runs and jumps into his arms, that our eye contact breaks and I can exhale. It feels like I haven’t seen him in forever.
Six foot two of pure, male hotness stands there with his arm muscles flexed as he holds Lexi. The black T-shirt he wears is taut around his arms and chest but fits loosely around his middle. I haven’t touched his body in two weeks. My fingers tingle wanting to go over and run them under his shirt, feel the ripple of muscles I’ve memorized and missed. His beige cargo shorts hang low on his hips and the band of his underwear peeks out from where Lexi’s leg has lifted his shirt slightly. I bite my lip as my mouth waters. God, I hate Jessie more and more each minute.
I sigh as my gaze trails back up to his eyes. He flashes a knowing smile. Yes, you stubborn jerk. I want you and I’m not ashamed to show it. Putting my hands on the brick wall, I hop off and walk toward him. My lips curl into a sly smile when his eyes move down my legs. Knowing it drives him crazy, I threw on a pair of cut-off shorts. When I’m standing right in front of him, he puts Lexi down. He hesitates to reach for me so I take the lead. I stand on my toes and wrap my arms around his neck. The second our bodies touch, his arms fold around me. He squeezes me like he’s holding on for dear life. He buries his face in the curve of my neck, and I feel him take in a deep breath. Relief flows through my body. He missed me. I run my hand through his hair.
“I miss you so much, Aiden.”
“I’m sorry, Addison. I’m so sorry,” he mumbles into my hair.
I swallow the words that I know won’t make a difference. He doesn’t want to hear them. He’s not one hundred percent sure, and he won’t be until we get a paternity test.
“Hey, guys!” Lexi says, grabbing our hands, trying to pull us toward the entrance. “Let’s go. I want to feed the penguins.”
We pull apart and Aiden looks down at me with watery eyes. He blinks back his tears and looks down at Lexi, managing to flash her a smile.
“Then let’s go, Tater Tot, but you have to watch those fingers of yours. I hear penguins like tater tots,” he says, leaning down and nibbling on her fingers. She squeals and pulls her hands back.
“No, they don’t,” she says seriously, putting her hand on her hips. “They like fish sticks.” Aiden and I bust out laughing. He’s so carefree. This is how it should be, every day. I twist my ring around my finger. It’ll happen…as soon as we prove Jessie is lying.
We walk around the park, hand in hand. I can feel Aiden’s eyes on me periodically. I want to meet his gaze and let him see the vulnerability between us, but I’m afraid he’ll pull back again. Lexi goes from animal to animal, and we laugh when she tries to mimic them. When Lexi runs off to play in the children’s playground area, we find an empty bench in the sea of parents who are also sitting and watching. The sun shines bright above and is hot, so I’m thankful the bench is under an awning.
Aiden sits back, legs spread wide, as he keeps a keen eye on Lexi. I cross my legs and play with my ring. It’s become a nervous habit these past couple of weeks, especially when I’m thinking about Aiden. A hand covers mine. I look up to Aiden, and he watches me with an intense stare.
“Tell me where your head is right now,” I say. He pulls my hand to his lap and holds it.
He inhales deeply and then sighs. “What if it’s mine?”
“If, and that’s a big if, does it change how you feel about me?” I didn’t want to ask this, but I need to. It’s my biggest fear that keeps me up at night.
“Addison, I never wanted kids before. Then when I met you, I never imagined having kids with anyone but you, and now I really want them.” He glances at Lexi as she climbs on top of a bronze turtle with two other little girls. “Especially after having Lexi around.”
“Okay,” I say slowly, wondering where this is going.
“If she ends up being mine, I could never turn my back on her.”
I jerk my head back a little, confused. “Do you think I’d make you choose? Or are you saying you’d be with Jessie because she has your baby?” Both options make my chest tighten.
His lips curl like he just ate a lemon. “God, no. I love you. You’re the only woman I want to be with.”
Then he thinks I wouldn’t want him to be a part of his daughter’s life? My eyes dart around as I tell myself not to be hurt. He’s not thinking clearly.
“Aiden, if she happens to be yours, it’s because Jessie manipulated the situation somehow. I know you wouldn’t willingly cheat on me.” He starts to say something, but I hold up a finger. “Wait, I’m not done. But she’s still your child and a part of you. I would expect you to take responsibility, and I would be there for you one hundred percent.”
“Even if that means Jessie would be a part of our lives forever?” he asks, his voice pained.
I swallow the lump of hate stuck in my throat. “Yes,” I squeak out. He looks at me with a lopsided grin. “I don’t have to like the woman.” I shrug.
He looks away and finds Lexi again. She smiles and waves. He waves back. “I don’t know if I could do that to you. It’d be a constant reminder of what happened.”
“Aiden,” I pause, waiting for him to look back at me. “If I had gotten pregnant from…” My stomach twists, and I clench my hand in my lap just thinking about it. I clear my throat before continuing. “Joe…would you have loved me or my child any less?”
He turns toward me and grabs both my hands. “Addison, never.”
“I feel the same way.” I pull my hand out from under his and run it against his jaw. “Nothing has changed for me. I love you and want to marry you. And if this kid is yours, then I’ll love her because she’ll be a part of you.”
He smiles softly and his dimples deepen. I glance at his full lips and silently pray that he kisses me. His smile grows larger as he leans down.
“I haven’t lost my ability to read you,” he says as his lips brush mine. The sounds of kids screaming and playing in the background fades as my lips part and I let out a soft mewl. He presses down harder, but the kiss is simple and sweet. I pull back when a kid’s cry grabs my attention. I look for Lexi and find her crawling through a tunnel. Satisfied Lexi isn’t the one hurt, I look back at Aiden. He picks up my legs and turns me so they are in between his. His thumb grazes my thigh, and I bask in the feeling of his touch.
“Have dinner with me tonight?” he asks. “See if Syd can take Lexi.”
“She can,” I respond quickly. He chuckles. “And, yes, I’d love to have dinner.”
He links his hand with mine, and we stand together. While I’m dusting my shorts off, I notice a couple of other moms checking out Aiden. I’m not surprised. He’s gorgeous, but he’s mine, ladies. I lean up on my toes and place a soft, chaste kiss on his lips. He shakes his head and a smug smile rests on his face. I was waiting for a smart-ass comment. Instead, he pulls me into his hard chest and kisses me passionately. My body melts into his. His hand is splayed on my back, and I can feel him add pressure. I don’t even care we’re in the middle of a kid-friendly zone with a million parents around us—who I’m sure are now gawking. I’ve waited for two weeks for this man to kiss me like this again.
“Eww. Are you done kissing?” Lexi says, covering her eyes with her hand. We look down at her. She peeks through her fingers. “I’m ready to go feed more animals.”
“Alright, Lulu, show us the way,” I say. She gets in between us and grabs hold of our hands, skipping while we walk to the giraffes.