The alarm screeched, pulling me from sleep. I guess I could call it that, though it felt like I had lain here for six hours with my eyes closed without officially ever dozing off. I rolled over, exhaling roughly, which came out sounding more like a throaty gurgle. Slamming a hand down on the clock, I knocked it off, and it hit the carpeted floor with a soft thud.

I didn’t know how much more of this I could do. I craved sleep as if I had been deprived of it for weeks. No matter what I tried… warm milk, steamy baths, audio of calming sounds. Nothing worked. Sure, I closed my eyes, and time went by, but it felt like I wasn’t resting.

When had things changed? I used to go into a coma when my head hit the pillow at night. No tossing and turning; within seconds, it was drool city for me. I rolled on my back, covering my eyes with an arm. I had practically been a zombie. It was making it hard to concentrate on anything. Anything but her. She was the cause of all it. I picked up the pillow and covered my face with it. A frustrated scream escaped. Why had I let her get to me?

I rolled out of the bed. Today was the day I had to make the trip to my parents’ house. My dad’s birthday. I put some clothes on and left my home, anxious to get it over with. After a few hours’ drive, I pulled up to the place where I had grown up. It hadn’t changed much. My basketball goal was still in the driveway. My mother’s flower garden still looked vibrant. Dad had made sure that those were taken care of since she had loved them so much. I swallowed and gathered the courage to go inside.

“Hello? Anyone home?” I said, entering. I walked through the house and caught a glimpse of him sitting out back near the pier, so I pushed open the door and crossed the yard.

“Dad?”

He continued to stare at the water without moving.

I touched his shoulder.

He jumped and turned in my direction with wide eyes. “Luca. When did you get here?” His bony hands tightened around the armrest. He arched his back in an unsuccessful attempt at getting up from the chair. A shaky breath rushed from his deflated lungs as he collapsed back against it.

I gripped his arm and held tight. My fingers wrapped all the way around. Fragments of memories tumbled through the gate I had barricaded them behind. I didn’t want to face how frail he had become the past few years since my mom passed. It was like he had given up on life without her.

My brows pulled together into an incredulous scowl as my mouth twisted. He still had family. He still had me here. I still needed him. I had lost my mother. Losing both of them…

The anger surged through me, and it was all directed at him as I helped him to his feet, staring at his thinning arm. It was an arm that had lifted me with ease when I was young. I had dangled from it, pretending to be a monkey. It was an arm that had taught me how to hurl a football across a field to score touchdowns. It was an arm that had beat my ass when I did something stupid. And now? Now it was an arm that couldn’t do any of those things.

I wrestled with my feelings, biting my tongue to defuse. “I thought you were going to be ready when I got here. Didn’t we agree on ten?”

He rocked back and forth for a second before catching his balance, and stared at me like he had no idea what I was talking about.

“You forgot, didn’t you?” I turned around, raking a hand across my face.

A hearty laugh rose against the constant, annoying chirps of the birds around us. I looked back to see him doubled over. “You should’ve seen your face. Thought you were going to shit a brick,” he managed to get out, pointing at me.

For a moment, I thought he had lost his mind. My father had finally gone off the deep end. Until it hit me. He was joking, and laughing. Something he hadn’t done in what seemed like forever.

“You’re moodier than you usually are.” He walked over to the carport and grabbed his tacklebox.

I reached for it, but he snatched it away.

“I’m not dead or completely feeble, Luca. Just because I rock a little getting up doesn’t mean I can’t carry my own tackle to the boat.”

I took a step back, reevaluating the man in front of me. Maybe he did still have some fight left in those old bones of his.

“Now, tell me what’s wrong with you. Because if you’re going to act like a pissy kid, well, I can fish by myself. You won’t ruin my birthday because your vagina hurts.”

“Dad!”

“What?” He looked over his shoulder then back at the pier in front of us.

I didn’t know what to say. He was right. I had come over here in a bad mood, and it was all because I couldn’t think of anything else but Leigh. It was driving me crazy. I couldn’t enjoy anything with her hating me. “So, you going to tell me?”

“I didn’t get much sleep last night. That’s all.”

He groaned. “Okay, I’ll accept that, if that’s the story you want to go with.”

“I promise. That’s it.”

We climbed over into his boat. He shuffled to the controls as I untied us from the pier. Within a minute, we were backing away and moving toward the open water. Salty air beat against my skin, whipping my hair around. I never tired of the way the ocean smelled. It reminded me of freedom. Freedom from people. Thoughts. Pressures. Everything. I could forget whatever I had going on as I crossed waves.

I waited to be engulfed in that sense of comfort. I desperately needed it. This was the one place I knew I would find it. Every bit of consideration about letting her get close could blow away. Every memory of how she made me feel could blow away. Every sense of her skin against mine could blow away. I didn’t want any of it. The ocean could take all of it and bury it in the abyss.

I closed my eyes and could only see her face. The way she’d stared at me that night after I threw her into the ocean. Like she could face anything with me by her side. I swallowed hard and opened my eyes. I searched the water. That was when I realized the feeling of relief wasn’t coming. Nothing would work. I contemplated curling into the bottom of the boat and succumbing to the emotional blubber that my heart yearned for me to be.

A few miles out, the engine shifted down until falling silent when my dad turned it off. He moved to the back and took a seat to my left. We baited our hooks and tossed them out into the water.

“By the way, happy birthday, Pop.”

He leaned back, smiling at me. “Thanks, son. You want a cold one?”

I nodded.

He popped open a cooler sitting next to him and tossed me a beer. I cracked the top and pulled from it.

“Pop?” An internal war raged within me. But the moment I opened my mouth, I knew there would be no turning back. It was a subject I’d never wanted to broach between the two of us. It was a conversation that, up until a few weeks ago, I’d never felt the need to talk about. But Leigh had changed everything.

He looked over to me and immediately gave me his full attention.

“If you’d known what was going to happen to Mom… would you have picked to not get involved with her?”

He was silent.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked that. It’s your birthday, and I’m ruining it by bringing up what happened to Mom.”

He held up a hand. “Don’t ever think bringing up your mother will ruin it for me. I don’t care what memory it is. Everything—” His voice broke. “—everything with that woman was a blessing. Even the end. At least I was with her. I would’ve given anything to have traded places.”

We stared out at the water. I wasn’t sure what to say after that.

Thankfully, he spoke. “Does this question have anything to do with how you were acting when you got to my house?”

My palms instantly started to sweat. Go ahead. Tell him about her. My heart beat in my eardrums so loud I could barely think clearly. “Yes. I’ve met someone, but I’m just not sure…” I trailed off. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words aloud to him.

“You’re not sure if you want to commit because you’re scared something will happen to her like your mother? And you’ll be stuck watching her die.”

It was a harsh reality when I heard him say it. I felt small. Awful. I was a selfish person.

“I told her I didn’t want to see her anymore. I pushed her away.” I twisted my beer around. “She’s the first one I didn’t want to push away. I wanted to keep her. But I just don’t know if I could go through what you did.” My feelings were like poison, and it felt great letting them out after years of stewing deep within me. They had made me a miserable person when it came to relationships.

“I see. If I’d known your mother was going to have a stroke and be bedridden until she died when I met her, it wouldn’t have mattered. I would’ve done everything the same. Except maybe cherished her more. Valued the time we had together better. Remembered the small things that I took for granted. Nothing would’ve improved my life. I couldn’t have loved anyone more than that woman. She was my everything. Hell, she still is.”

Damn.

“I think I messed up, Pop. I made the mistake of pushing her away. Now she’s back with this idiot who broke her heart, and I’m the one that put her there.” Anger boiled within my chest, tightening it. Picturing his snide face and the way he talked to her made me want to end him. He didn’t deserve her. Shit, I didn’t even deserve her.

“Regrets and mistakes are memories. You choose whether or not to make them good ones.”

I looked over at the old man next to me. Whether or not I wanted to admit it, he had a lot of wisdom. It was something I hadn’t considered before. I had thought he was miserable because of what he had been through with my mom.

“It’s not too late to make it right. Of course, that’s up to you.” His eyes wandered over to mine as he gave me a small smile with a wink.

I leaned back against the seat and pulled from the beer. “Maybe.” She was gone. What am I going to do? Fly to Arizona and tell her I want her to come back? That she has changed my entire world? I doubted she would want to hear it.

By that afternoon, we had caught a dozen fish, which seemed to put a smile on my dad’s face. Maybe the six-pack he’d put away had something to do with it, too.

“You want to fry these up tonight or put them on ice until you come over next time?” he asked, pulling himself from the boat.

“I’ll fire up the grill. You get them ready to go on.”

Most birthdays, I had cut out right after our fishing trip. I couldn’t stand to be around him in this house. It reminded me too much of the years I tried not to think about.

I walked over the grill and removed the cover. An inch of cobwebs covered the dusty metal. I coughed, swatting them away from my face as they blew up from the rack on a breeze. Bending low, I found a cloth underneath that looked clean enough to wipe the grill off. Once I was satisfied with my progress, I went to check to see if the fish were ready to be put on.

A female voice hit me like a bullet to the chest. It nearly brought me to my knees as she laughed and said my name. It had been years since I’d heard it in her lyrical charm. My eyes watered at the thought of my mom, and memories flooded back.

“Dad?” I choked out, not bothering to come any farther into the house. “The fish ready?”

“Just a minute, son!” he called out from the living room. His voice sounded strained.

I hesitated, not sure if I should join him. I had never seen him cry. Not even the day we put my mother in the ground. It was something he didn’t do in front of people, not even me.

I forced one foot in front of the other, staring at the floor until the back of the couch stopped me. My teeth ground together as I focused on the flat screen hanging on the wall.

Mom was in a pale purple dress with a flower headband. She was at a wedding. One of her friends had gotten married in the middle of a field. I wasn’t any older than nine. I remembered the event like it had happened yesterday — partly because I’d loved being outside playing at it, but also because my mother had forced me to dance with her in front of the entire audience. It was bad enough when she made me do it all the time in our living room, but to force it in front of people… Let’s just say I had been mortified. Especially since the flower girls were pretty cute.

“Dance with me, Luca.” She smiled, holding her hand out to the nine-year-old me on the film. I frowned up at her, crossed my arms, and tried to act like I didn’t hear her. She laughed.

And now I couldn’t help but laugh with her as tears rolled down my face. I wanted to hear her in person so bad it hurt. Her dying had left a hole in my heart that no one had come close to filling.

Until Leigh.

“Come on. It will be just like at the house. No one is watching, I promise.” She touched my arm. I pulled back and glanced at the camcorder.

“It’s being recorded. I’m not stupid, Mom! Plus—” I stopped and looked over at the girls around my age, standing at the edge of the dance floor.

She followed my gaze, tilted her head, and puckered her lips. “You will have those girls eating out the palm of your hand one day, Luca. But today, don’t worry about them. Now dance with your mother.”

I rolled my eyes and let her shuffle me between couples dancing. We swayed back and forth, and she held out my arm and twirled around.

“One day, baby, you’ll find a girl that all you want to do is hold her on the dance floor. One that you’ll want to hold on to forever.”

“She was beautiful when she danced. Never seen a woman love it more than her,” my dad said.

I rounded the back of the couch and sat beside him.

“God, I miss her. She left us too early.”

“I miss her, too.” I focused on my hands that were laced together in my lap. “I’ve never danced with anyone since that day.”

His glassed over eyes looked to me. “Why?”

“Because I haven’t found that one she talked about. The one I would want to hold on to forever.”

“I think you have, son.”

I knew he was right. Leigh was everything my mother had talked about. It was up to me to make her mine. “Dad…”

He held up a hand. “No need to explain. Go get your girl, son. I just expect to meet her.”

I jumped up from the couch. “You will, Pop.” I kissed his forehead and darted outside.

* * *

I floored it back to Destin. The drive to Bri’s was a blur. I wrestled with the words to say. Bri was going to hate me. Any best friend would. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that Leigh told her every detail of that awful morning and how I’d treated her. What could I say to make her tell me how to find the girl I was in love with?

My phone rang, and Leroy’s name appeared. I gritted my teeth, thinking about ignoring it like I had all the times before. Then an idea hit me. What Leroy wanted could work in my favor.

“Hello?” I answered, preparing to handle what needed to be done.

“Luca! Finally! I didn’t think you were ever going to answer any of my calls,” Leroy said. He sounded relieved. “Did you get my messages?”

“Yeah. And I’ve got a solution to handle it.” I told him what to do and ended the call as I turned into Bri’s neighborhood.

My tires squealed as I ran through the stop sign. Bri’s house came into view, making it harder to breathe. Why was I so nervous? This was uncharted territory for me. That was why. I came to a screeching halt, barely having time to slam the truck into park before I was out, leaving the door open. Taking the steps two at a time, I hustled up onto the porch. My hand balled up and pounded against the door so hard, it rattled against the hinges.

“Bri!” I screamed.

The door opened, and Bri stood in front of me with a baseball bat in one hand. “Luca! Don’t ever bang on my—”

I shoved past her, going inside and casing the joint like a madman. I knew she wasn’t there, but a man could hope, couldn’t he? I turned to find Bri with her arms crossed. I dropped to my knees in front of her. “Tell me where to find her.”

“Why should I?” Her fuzzy house-shoe tapped against the floor as her eyes narrowed into a hate-filled gaze. “You broke her heart and sent her back into the arms of that asshole.”

“I know. I know. I was an idiot. I’ll admit that. But I was wrong. Bri, please. I need to find her.”

“Why?”

My eyes dropped to the floor. “Because I need to tell her that I’m in love with her.”

Her hand appeared in front of me. “Good. But we need to make a plan. She isn’t just going to throw herself back into your arms after what you did, since she’s back with Russ.”

“I’ve got sort of a game plan, but I also think we need to work together. What do you have in mind?”

Her lips quirked in the corners. “I’ve got some ideas.”