This was definitely not the kind of day that I had been planning on having when I left my apartment this morning.

Oh, no, it was much better.

When I had left my apartment, I had been planning on meeting up with a stranger for some fun and consensual play time. I'd been nervous about meeting a stranger. I had no idea that the man I was supposed to meet was none other than my ex.

It was really important to me to remember that he was my ex, and that he had cheated on me, which was the whole reason that he was my ex in the first place. But oh, goodness, it was really hard to keep that in mind in my current position.

My current position included taking several deep breaths as Samuel ran his fingers down the length of my naked biceps as he prepared to bind my hands with satin ties. It was a long, lazy... almost-loving gesture.

No, love wasn't in the picture anymore, I reminded myself sharply, and apparently the reminder registered on my face, because those long, lazy strokes over my skin stopped.

"Are you all right?" Samuel asked.

His face loomed over me, a vision of perfection, just as it had always been. The beard was the exact same thickness as it had been two years ago, and I pushed away the memories of how that face had looked tucked between my legs, looking up at me with nothing but pure want.

I cleared my throat and tried to focus on the presence instead of the past.

"Everything's fine," I lied.

His hands remained firmly on either side of the comfortable leather bed I was lying on, and it was an impressive stance, really. Samuel spent a decent amount of time in the gym – it was actually where we had met, back when I still put in significant time on the treadmill. But he wasn't bulky in any way. His muscle definition was that of a casual weightlifter, not someone who was putting in time to train for their fourth MMA championship.

But regardless, he stood above me and looked completely imposing. Maybe it was the outfit, and the way the jacket and slacks combo gave off a distinct teacher/professor/general person in charge vibe. Or maybe it was simply that my long lost alpha was naturally good at putting on a front of being in command

That was something I should have noticed years ago, wasn't it?

But then, I hadn't noticed his cheating, either, until someone else put the pieces together for me in that fateful text.

"Give me a color," he said quietly.

His voice was quiet, but demanding, and the insides of my stomach turned to liquid butter at the sound. Finding my own voice was difficult enough, but I didn't want to stop. If I was already this affected by what he was doing, I wanted the full experience.

"Green," I said firmly, once I was able to speak.

He hesitated, and his eyes searched my face. I wondered, briefly, if it was his professionalism making him go the extra mile to ensure my safety, or if it was our past relationship. Samuel had always been a hard worker, so maybe it was his need to be the best at everything that was making him so cautious.

That drive towards perfectionism was the most alpha of all of Samuel's traits, if I was being honest.

After a moment of searching my face, Samuel continued his lazy exploration of my biceps. He didn't ask me for any input, and his touches were not about getting me off, though it was probably cheating of him to remember how much I'd liked it when his hands had caressed my muscles.

But this appointment wasn't supposed to be sexual. It was supposed to be about letting go of my control, and that was what I was trying to focus on at the moment. When Samuel stopped stroking them for a second time, I thought that perhaps I had made another lapse in my control. But instead, I watched as he picked up one of the satin ties he'd placed beside my head.

"Lift your arms above your head," Samuel instructed.

It was the same gentle, yet demanding tone that made my insides turn to mush and all but erased the memory of the way that Samuel had betrayed me two years earlier. I complied with the demand without much thought, and as soon as I did, Samuel's calloused hands were on my wrists. As he wrapped the silk around my wrists, he began to speak, and I desperately hung on to every word he had to say.

"Remain still, while I tie your hands to the bed posts," he said.

The callus of his thumb rubbed along the veins in my wrists, and he wrapped the satin ties around the my wrists in the same exact direction, the satin tracing along the path that his thumb had already traced along my skin.

"Green," I whispered, perhaps unnecessarily.

It was ridiculous, but the simple act of having my hands bound allowed me to ignore the anxiety that I had already built up earlier. I wasn't even worried anymore about whether or not I should be doing this with my ex, of all people.

Instead, I watched as Samuel tied the silken ties to the bed posts. The bed itself wasn't anything particularly fancy; I suppose they have to keep the beds easy to clean for sanitary purposes. But even though the beds were as utilitarian as the average hospital bed, the bed posts were not. The headboard was a copper orange and featured a row of brass poles of various widths. I imagined, briefly, that it would be very easy to tie anything to those bed posts.

The footboard was the same, and briefly entertained asking to have my feet bound as well. But the idea seemed too much at the moment, so I filed that away for something to experience next time.

Next time, I mused. When had I started thinking that this was going to be an ongoing thing? When did I start thinking that my need to experiment was something that needed to be experienced repeatedly?

More importantly, was I going to repeat that experience with Samuel? Could I keep coming back to my ex, of all people? This was supposed to be a game of trust, and could I trust my cheating ex?

After the ties had been bound to the thinnest of the brass poles on the headboard, Samuel walked over to the table where he had laid out his tools. I watched him deliberate over the materials before picking up the feather teaser.

"Remember, you can use 'red' anytime you need to," Samuel told me as he came to stand at the foot of the bed. "Yellow, too."

"I'll remember," I answered. "But right now, we're still on green."

"I hope so," Samuel retorted, and that lazy smile of his still had a way of punching me in the heart, all these years later. "I haven't even gotten started yet."

That lazy smile, where the tips of his lips barely quirked up, but his eyes were full of warmth – and was that still desire, after all these years? - stayed focused on me as he brought the feathers up for me to see. I followed them, as they made their descent down onto the top of my feet.

I sucked in a deep breath that I hadn't consciously been holding as the feathers brushed against the top of my feet. Instinctively, my feet jerked.

"Lie still," Samuel commanded.

We had enjoyed so many conversations during our time together, and he had never used that voice on me. Where had it been hiding? Why hadn't he ever said anything about what a great dom he was capable of being?

Regardless of his reasons for hiding that particular skill, there wasn’t any denying that he had perfected his ability to command with merely his words. Him telling me to lie still made me instantly straighten out my legs. An apology was on my tongue, before I remembered that I didn't owe him that at all.

"Good boy," Samuel murmured, and the feathers brushed against the very same spot that they had tickled only moments before, and it was almost painful holding still. The feathers were so soft against my feet that hadn't seen a pedicure since the last time Samuel had dragged me to one, and the tickling of them against my skin traveled from the tops of the my feet all the way up my leg. The more I remained still, the more insistent the pain became.

Was pain the right word? It was intensely strong and my nerves screamed at me to pull away, but it was also pleasurable in a way that made me want to fall to my knees and beg him to continue.

"Color," he commanded.

"Green," I whined. Oh, it was definitely a whine; there was no doubt about that.

The lazy smile grew into a full smirk. I could have kicked him for it, but I also could have begged him to continue. Fortunately, I didn't have to say anything at all, because he continued his movements up my leg, drawing the feathers along each muscle. It was reminiscent of the way that he used to kiss along my muscles, and tell me how handsome I was.

I shivered and a small moan bubbled up out of me. I felt myself flush; this wasn't supposed to be a sexual event. I wasn't supposed to be thinking about how easy it would be to get off on this slow, lazy devotion that Samuel was spending on me.

The devotion continued as Samuel made the feathers draw lazy designs on their way up my body. He would stop, allow me to catch my breath, and then continue. Each time he began his journey further up my body with the feathers, I dug my fingers into the satin that was wrapped around my wrists. Only the tips of my fingers were able to touch the satin, but it was enough.

My fingers dug in deeply as the feathers brushed across my nipples, and Samuel stopped, surveying my face.

"Green. Green, green, green," I whispered.

My voice sounded hoarse, but there wasn’t any reason for it. There also wasn’t any reason for a lot of the ways that my body reacted today, so at least I was being consistent.

Don't get me wrong; I definitely loved everything that was happening, but I couldn't help but be confused about the reactions my body was having, too. I tried to just give in to the sensations and enjoy myself, and part of me definitely was, but I had spent so long making sure so many parts of my life were hidden that I hadn't anticipated being able to just give in to the parts that I wanted to enjoy.

The feathers stopped in the middle of my chest and I wanted to protest. Hadn't I said green? I swallowed hard and started to open my mouth to demand what was going on and why he had stopped. But then, suddenly, Samuel began to move his wrists in a slow, lazy motion and I felt them start to spell something out onto my chest.

I closed my eyes, and tried to make out the words.

S.T.I.L.L.

S.A.F.E.

Yes, I thought. I wanted to be safe, and still, and I wanted to make Samuel happy. I wanted to see what else he could do. There were so many choices, and my mind began to race as I considered them. I thought about how loving and gentle he'd been with the feathers, and I wondered how it would feel with a paddle in his hands. We still had the pinwheel to get to, and maybe I could ask him to bind my feet, as well. Maybe we could try something harder, like ropes, or the cuffs, and maybe we could work up to spankings. I had always liked the idea, and would he be into that? He had to have for his job, but it needed to be personal, and not just a job to him . It was a sudden, but all consuming need.

Suddenly, it became difficult to breathe, and I tugged impatiently at the straps on my wrists.

"Eric?"

The feathers stopped abruptly.

"Color?" he demanded.

"I – yellow. No, red," I corrected.

Almost immediately, I felt the straps on my hands come undone. It was so quick that I barely saw him move at all.

"Sit up," he said gently, and it wasn't exactly a command, but the omega part of me that I had always gone to such lengths to hide wanted nothing more than to follow every command.

"Sorry," I started, but he was shaking his head before he even finished the word.

"Don't. You don't ever have to be sorry. Do you know what was too much?" he asked. "Did you just not like the experience, or was it just too much at once?"

"It was... just a lot of things at once," I admitted. "I think I was thinking too much, and that ruined it."

Samuel nodded. "Why don't you go ahead and go home," he suggested. "Sometimes the first time can be a bit intense. If you go home and allow some time to just think about what you did and didn't get out of this experience, that should help you figure out how much you want to proceed."

I nodded my agreement and stood up. Samuel handed me my clothes and paused briefly by the door.

"I hope it's not out of line," he said. "But if there's anything you want to discuss, the old number still works."

"Thank you," I said immediately, which is not what I should have said to my cheating ex boyfriend.

But that smile was the kind of reward I would spend my entire life chasing, and I drank in every ounce of it before he shut the door and left me to get dressed.

On the way home, I had a lot to think about, and it was easier to do that with the sound and distractions of traffic. It was seasonably warm in Raleigh, so I rolled down my window and allowed the warm late summer breeze to bring me back to reality.

The sounds of the teenagers blasting their radios as loud as they could from their pick-up trucks was something that helped to ground me as well.

As I crashed back down to Earth, I had to acknowledge to myself that I had loved every bit of the experience. Maybe I had simply gotten carried away, but I had liked giving up control. I had liked being with Samuel. I had liked surrendering to Samuel in exactly the kind of pathetic way that omegas were stereotypically expected to do.

The guys on my MMA circuit would never be okay with this display of weakness, and I knew that my reputation would suffer if anyone ever found out.

But I had liked it, and I couldn't help but wonder if I should immediately pick up the phone and call Samuel to schedule another session – outside of the studio.