September 2009
The alarm sounds and we spring into action. Running to get our gear, we throw it on and load up in the truck as fast as we can. My adrenaline is pumping and my knee bounces as we pull out of the station.
Chief relays the information he has on the situation. “Alright, guys. We have an abandoned warehouse that a passerby called in. He says he doesn’t think anyone is in there, but we know these buildings don’t catch fire on their own. So let’s approach it like someone might have been living there and try to do a full sweep.”
We all nod and try to prepare for what we’re walking into. It’s impossible to predict how any call will go. We’re always told to expect the unexpected. What might start out as a small fire could spread rapidly. My dad always had a great respect for the destroyer, and I keep that in mind every time I have to go out. I’m not in control. Ever. The moment I forget that is when all hell can break loose.
When we pull up, the right side of the building is engulfed in flames. “Shit,” I say under my breath. The warehouse was dilapidated anyway, but there’s zero percent chance we’ll be able to salvage this. It’s too far gone now.
“Structure looks too unstable to send anyone in to do a search,” Chief tells us.
“I’ll do it,” I volunteer. “In and out. If it looks too risky, I’ll come back.”
“I’ll go with him,” Gary says.
“We’ll keep to the left side. We’ll be quick,” I urge. There have been times where we couldn’t get in and save people we knew were trapped inside. It’s hard to go home at night and sleep knowing you couldn’t rescue them. I know it’s not our fault, but it’s still hard to stomach. So if there’s the slightest possibility we can get in and look around, I’ll take it.
“Alright, but get your asses back out here asap,” he says.
Gary and I head over to the front entrance. The door is wide open, making me believe someone was definitely in here. “Let’s do this,” I mutter to him.
The heat is stifling and the loud cracks and pops of everything burning are almost drowned out by the roar of the flames. Visibility is low as we approach with caution. It appears that we’re in a huge, open room.
“Anyone in here?” Gary calls out. To our right, we hear something large crash.
We look at each other, sharing the same thought. We gotta make this quick. Chief is right, the building is really unstable, and it could be minutes before it starts falling in on itself. Quickening our pace, we follow the outside perimeter as our guide through the warehouse, using our flashlights to see through the darkness.
“Look! Over there!” Gary points to the corner. We run over, meanwhile very aware that we can now see the actual flames and they’re no longer contained to the right side. They’re spreading, and fast.
Lying on the floor unconscious is a man. I don’t have time to check his pulse right now. We need to get him the hell out of here and then we’ll assess his vitals.
“I got him,” I say as I bend over and throw him over my shoulder. Gary helps me up as I stand with him.
“You good?” he asks.
I nod. “Yeah, let’s get the hell out of here.” Going as fast as I can, I squeeze my eyes shut to clear the sweat from them. I’m breathing heavy as I carry the weight of all my equipment plus a full sized man, but I concentrate on following Gary as he leads the way to safety.
Suddenly, there’s a loud snap coming from right above us. We both stop and look up, embers floating and falling from the floor above us. One more buckle and that’s when it happens.
“Fuck,” I say the same time Gary yells, “Blake!”
A quick, hard shove sends me backwards, falling to the ground right before the floor above crashes to the ground, sending debris flying through the air. I roll the guy we were rescuing off of me and sit up, but I don’t see Gary anywhere.
“Gary!” I search around frantically, panic setting in while a lead ball forms in my stomach. “Gary!”
Small pieces fall from the sky and I spring up on my feet. I’ve got to find him, but as soon as I step around the shit that caved in, I see him and know it’s not good. Beneath the rubble lies Gary, only his boots are visible.
“Oh, God!” Using every bit of strength I possess, I lift the heavy wood and other shit laying on top of him. “Gary! Can you hear me?” I get no response. “Shit!”
Slinging this unknown guy over my shoulder, I reach down and grab the back of Gary’s collar and do my best to drag him with me. My legs burn and I’m slow moving, but I won’t leave him behind. I’ll make two trips if I have to.
“Help! I need help in here!” I shout, hoping someone will hear me. With this guy on my shoulder and dragging Gary, I can’t get to my radio. I’m so close to the door, I can see the light from outside. Twenty more feet and we’ll be golden.
There’s another snap followed by a crash. The whole damn building is caving in now, and I could have seconds before we’re all toast.
“Blake! Gary! You guys okay?” I hear Vince, one of the other guys, shout for me.
“I’m right here. I need help!” I holler back. He runs over to me, and I tell him, “Grab Gary. Hurry. It’s about to go.”
He throws Gary over his shoulder with a grunt and we hightail it out of there. With each step, I keep repeating that he’ll be fine. He’s just knocked out. He’ll have a bump on the head and a cool story to tell. We make it through the doors and I collapse to the asphalt, completely exhausted and out of breath. I should probably be more concerned about the guy we pulled out of there, but my main focus is on Gary.
“This guy needs help!” I shout out to anyone listening as I run over to Gary who’s lying on his back. Vince is checking his pulse, and I stop breathing waiting for him to tell me he’s okay. After a few seconds, he starts unzipping Gary’s jacket and I know that’s not a good sign. Vince starts CPR and I feel like I’m having an out-of-body experience and all I can do is stand there and watch. This can’t be happening. Vince keeps doing chest compressions while I refuse to accept that Gary’s heart has stopped beating on its own.
Soon, paramedics have him on a stretcher and are loading him up as they take over the desperate attempt to save our friend.
Our fellow firefighter.
Our brother.
“What happened?” Chief asks.
I stare off into space. “We were on our way out when the floor above us started to collapse. He pushed me out of the way and it all fell on him.” I swallow hard, trying to hold back my emotions because something deep inside tells me this is bad, and Gary isn’t going to be okay. “He saved me.”
Chief pats me on the back, sympathy in his eyes. “It’s okay, Blake. We’ll get an update on him soon, okay?”
I nod, staring back at the building that might have taken my friend, my mentor, away from me. The other guys work to get the fire out, but I stand there transfixed on the flames as they flicker, taunting me with the truth I’m not ready to acknowledge.
Once the fire has been completed extinguished, we pile into the truck and head back to the station. You can feel the somber mood radiating from everyone as we ride together. No one says a word. We all sit in silence lost in our thoughts.
Chief gets the call from the hospital an hour after we make it back to the station. He doesn’t need to say a word to confirm my fears. The grief in his eyes gives me déjà vu, and I’m transported back in time to when I walked into my high school office to see the same look on my mother’s face. The ache in my chest grows as my jaw clenches while I fight to hold back the tears. Numbly, I walk away, not focusing on anything other than the harsh truth that I want so badly to be a lie. I enter my bunk and lie on the bed, staring at the ceiling. I don’t realize I’m crying until I feel the tears running down my face.
I’m not sure how long I lie there, but when my phone vibrates on the stand next to me, my eyes are burning. Looking at the caller ID, I see it’s Mia.
“Hey,” I answer around a large knot in my throat.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I whisper, unable to speak.
“Are you okay?” The tone of her voice rises, letting me know she’s worried.
“Yeah, I’ll be coming home soon.” I don’t wait for her to respond before I hang up.
Mia’s waiting for me on the porch of the home we bought earlier this year. Her arms are crossed over her chest and her forehead is lined with concern. Without saying a word, she wraps me in her arms and holds me tight. I bury my face into her neck, needing her scent to comfort me. My body shakes as I let it all out and cry for the friend I’ll never see again.
“He died saving me,” I croak out.
“Shhhh, it’s okay. I’ve got you.” She repeats this over and over as I fill her in on what happened.
“Mia, that would’ve been me. The only reason I’m able to hold you right now is because of him. He sacrificed his life for me.” I crack on the last word as I voice the part that tears me up the most. That should have been me, and now I’ll have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Guilt.
It’s a unique emotion. I didn’t do anything wrong, yet I still feel responsible. The sensible part of my brain knows this, but guilt consumes it, snuffing out its voice. It wraps itself around me like a second skin that I can’t shed, can’t shake. And I fear no amount of comfort or love from Mia will rid me of it.