CHAPTER NINE
“I want to tell you a secret.”
“Are you sure you should?”
“Yes. It’s something I’ve never told anyone.”
Sarah gazed over at Mildred and said, “Then should you tell me? I’m happy to be your confidante, but you barely know me.”
“I know you well enough. If I’d ever had a daughter, I’d have wished for a girl just like you.”
“Thank you, Mildred. I’m so flattered by your esteem.”
“If I share a private story and ask you to keep it to yourself, I’m certain you will.”
“You’re correct. I am very discreet.”
They were riding in her carriage on the outskirts of Bath. The vehicle rumbled to a halt, and Sarah peered out the window, seeing that they’d halted in front of a small chapel. There was a cemetery behind it.
Their footman helped them out. Mildred instructed the driver to wait, then they walked to the chapel doors. Sarah expected they’d go inside, but they skirted the building and proceeded on to the cemetery.
They went down a groomed path to the back fence, and Mildred stopped at a grave that had a pretty headstone with a cherub carved into the granite.
Baby Farnsworth, always loved, always missed…
The area was tended. Leaves had been swept away, and a rosebush had been planted. The branches were trimmed.
There had been a bouquet of flowers in the carriage, but Sarah hadn’t thought much about it. Mildred had brought it along, and she leaned down and laid it on the grave.
She murmured, “Happy birthday.”
They stood for a minute or two, and Sarah dithered over what her comment should be. She had a dozen questions, but couldn’t decide which would be appropriate.
“In case you were curious,” Mildred said, “there’s no baby buried here.”
“All right.”
“I was simply determined to mark his existence in some fashion. He was born, then he instantly vanished. To me, it seemed as if he perished.” She shrugged. “I needed to have a spot that would prove he’d been alive so I had this stone commissioned.”
“I understand.”
“It’s why I try to be in Bath on this date.”
“I assumed you were intent on taking the waters.”
“No, I’m never here for the waters or the socializing.” Mildred glanced up at Sarah. “What is your opinion? Am I mad?”
“No.”
“Clayton and Winston think so.”
“Clayton and Mr. Winthrop should mind their own business.”
“My feeling exactly,” Mildred replied. “They don’t know about this. No one does. Only you.”
“I’m honored that you told me.”
“I pay the groundskeeper to keep the space tidy.”
“He’s been very diligent.”
“If I ever suffer a mishap and I’m not able to return, I’d like it—if you were ever in Bath—if you would visit for me. I’d like to have someone besides me remember him.”
“I would do that for you, but you’re healthy as a horse, and I’m positive you’ll be with us for many decades into the future. You can visit yourself.”
“We’ll hope for that.”
“You’re especially nostalgic today. It’s making you morbid.”
Mildred smirked. “I’m always morbid.”
“Yes, you are.”
They smiled, and Mildred waved her over to a nearby bench. Sarah sat, relishing the quiet, while Mildred knelt down and prayed. Sarah wondered if she was praying for her lost baby or if she was begging for forgiveness. Probably both.
She finished and walked over to sit too. They dawdled in a companionable silence. After a bit, Sarah said, “Tell me about Robert, your child’s father. He must have been quite a rogue for you to have caused such a scandal over him.”
Mildred sighed. “He was so handsome, tall and dark with thick black hair and big blue eyes. He looked just like Nicholas. He was twenty and I was eighteen.”
“How did you meet him? I think you mentioned he attended university with your brother.”
“Yes, Robert came home with him on a school holiday.”
Sarah chuckled. “That must have been some holiday.”
“Oh, it was. We began to secretly correspond. Then we started to secretly sneak off together. It went downhill from there.”
“Or it went uphill. I suppose it depends on your point of view.”
“He was so dashing. His father had been an adventurer, and Robert had lived in Africa and Arabia. He’d been sent to England to complete his education, but he was so miserable. He was desperate to get back to the wild places where he’d been raised.”
“Would the two of you have fled to Arabia or some other exotic locale?”
“We wanted to, but his father was deceased by then, and Robert didn’t have any money. I had a huge dowry, but once we ran off my father would never have given it to him. He felt Robert was thoroughly unsuitable.”
“Did you ask if you could marry him?”
“I asked. Robert asked, but you have to recall that I was promised to another. My father had picked him for me so it was shocking that I would consider crying off or that Robert would interfere in another man’s engagement.”
“It’s extremely shocking.”
“It was the main aspect that enraged my father. Robert’s low station was part of it, along with his penury, but my father was insulted that Robert would meddle in my betrothal.” Mildred grinned. “But we couldn’t help ourselves. When I reflect on it, it all seems so reckless and irresponsible.”
“Well, if you and Robert had wed and reared your son in a stable home, it would have turned out all right. Your father might have come around in the end. A precocious grandson could have softened his heart.”
“My father was a cold devil. He declared that we would have no bastard in the family, and he stole my baby from me before I realized what was about to occur. I couldn’t prevent him.
“I wish you’d stop feeling guilty about this,” Sarah said. “Your father was the one who stole him. He was the one who was so cruel about it. You blame yourself, but you were just a girl, and there was no one to take your side.”
“No, there was no one, and Robert was gone. It was such a terrible, terrible time. And the anniversary is very hard. The birthday dredges it all up.”
Sarah reached over and squeezed her hand. “You can be sad. You have my permission.”
“My father was sorry eventually. As his health was failing, and he had only Clayton for a grandson he began to rue and regret. But by then, it was too late.”
“I’m glad he relented, but it infuriates me that he had to be on his deathbed for it to transpire.”
“He tried to buy my forgiveness by leaving me half his fortune.”
Sarah scoffed. “Did it work?”
“No. I’m not much of a Christian I guess. It’s been difficult for me to absolve him, and all that money didn’t bring either of them back.”
Sarah struggled to imagine being forced through such an ordeal. What must it have been like? Her own parents had been so kind and attentive. If she’d ruined herself, would they have yanked her baby away and given him to strangers? She couldn’t envision any parent acting that way, especially her own.
“If Robert walked up right now,” Sarah asked, “what would you do?”
“I’d throw myself into his arms, kiss him soundly, then I’d shake him and demand to know where he’s been all these years.”
“Would you marry him—if he still wanted that?”
“Oh, yes, I’d marry him in an instant. There’s no longer anyone to tell me I couldn’t.”
“And what about your son? If he walked up, what would you do?”
“I would hug him, kiss him soundly, then have him also explain where he’s been.”
“Where do you suppose he is this very moment?”
“Dubois insists he’s close by.”
“Dubois shouldn’t torment you like that.”
Mildred shrugged. “What if he winds up being correct? Then we’d all proclaim him to be a mystical genius.”
“Not me. I think he’s a charlatan.”
“I don’t, and in fact I’ve arranged my affairs so I’m ready if his stories come to fruition.”
Sarah scowled. “What are you talking about?”
“If I find my son, he’ll be my heir. It’s what drives Clayton crazy. He’s determined I never search, but I search anyway.”
“If it makes you happy, you should keep on.”
“Precisely, and my lawyer has all the paperwork—just in case.”
“What paperwork?” Carefully, Sarah inquired, “You changed your Will because of Dubois?”
“I’ve never changed it. It’s always listed my son as my heir, but if he’s never located my estate will pass to Clayton. Clayton doesn’t realize it though. He assumes he is my heir and—should my son be found—Clayton would be dispossessed. I haven’t told him the truth.” Mildred peeked over at her. “Don’t you tell him either.”
“I never would,” Sarah vowed.
But if a son suddenly popped into the picture, huge fights would ensue. Clayton would never blithely step aside. He was already spending Mildred’s money in his head.
“If anything ever happens to me,” Mildred said, “my lawyer is Mr. Thumberton in London.”
“There you go being morbid again. Nothing will happen to you. You’re fit as a fiddle. Stop obsessing.”
“I’ve been anxious to inform someone about Thumberton, and I’m thrilled to have it be you. He’s the trustee on my fortune, and it enrages Clayton that I won’t let him manage the account instead. If my son ever appeared, Clayton would scheme to ensure he couldn’t inherit so Thumberton will watch over my estate for me. He’s aware of my wishes.”
“That’s very wise.”
“Clayton looks for ways to thwart Thumberton though so I have to stay on my toes.”
Occasionally, Mildred seemed a bit daft and paranoid, but Sarah supposed her past tribulations had likely left her disinclined to trust the men in her family.
“I noticed on the gravestone that you simply put Baby Farnsworth,” Sarah said, “but in your mind and heart, did you name him?”
“I never did. I couldn’t bear it.”
Mildred hesitated before answering, leaving Sarah with the distinct impression that she’d picked a name. Sarah would always wonder what it had been.
They were silent for a few more minutes, then Mildred stood. “We should head home. I need to talk to the cook about supper. I hope the butcher delivered the roast.”
“This is such a pretty spot. We can visit whenever you want. I’d be delighted to accompany you.”
Mildred smiled. “I knew I could tell you about this. I knew you’d understand.”
They returned to the carriage, and they started off. They chatted about everything and nothing, then Mildred slyly asked, “How are you and Nicholas getting along?”
Sarah blushed ferociously. “Quite well.”
“I heard you come in last night after the dance.”
Sarah tamped down her reaction. She’d committed a hundred wicked sins with him, and if Mildred mentioned any of them she would die of shame.
“It was almost one o’clock,” Sarah said, “and we tried to be extra quiet. I’d hate to learn that we woke you.”
“You didn’t wake me,” Mildred insisted. “He’s exceptionally handsome, isn’t he?”
“Yes, very handsome.”
“And he’s irresistible.”
“He is.”
“I don’t imagine any female in your situation could figure out how to conduct herself around such an immoral rogue.”
“I have to keep my wits about me.”
“Good, good.” Mildred nodded, and she studied Sarah in a manner that had her squirming in her seat. “You should be careful to never go off alone with him.”
“I will be.”
“I remember what young love is like. Moonlight and hidden alcoves can be incredibly seductive. It can quickly seem as if the rules about courting no longer apply.”
“I enthusiastically concur. Would you…ah…think I was loose if I admit I’m having trouble behaving as I ought?”
Sarah’s blush deepened. She didn’t feel guilty about allowing him into her room—she should but she didn’t—and she was scared by how fervidly she yearned for him to sneak in in the future.
“I wouldn’t think you were loose,” Mildred said. “I’d think you were a healthy, red-blooded British girl who’s being overwhelmed by an experienced roué. It’s only natural that you would be tempted.”
“It’s what I’ve been telling myself.”
“There are certain couples who are destined to be together. Fate decrees it, and you can’t fight it. You and Nicholas might be one of them, but it doesn’t mean you should act on it. I am a very liberal person, but there are limits for any female. Society decides what they are. It’s not up to me. He’s not the marrying kind, and you don’t dare end up with a babe in your belly.”
“No, I definitely can’t have that.”
“In a carnal dalliance, a man doesn’t worry about the consequences so the woman has to worry for him.
“I’m confused about how happy I am.”
Mildred patted her knee. “You and I should have a long talk about intimate matters. We’ll do it once we arrive home. It’s the sort of conversation your mother might have had with you on your wedding night. You should be apprised of the pleasures and dangers of amour. I’ve never been a prude who believes a maiden should wander around in the dark.”
“That’s how it feels to me,” Sarah said. “I’m wandering in the dark with him, and he’s very skilled at passion—especially from his chasing after trollops.”
“A charming cad who has a penchant for trollops is a hazardous combination.”
“I agree.”
“If you’re clueless about where the road might lead, it’s easy to take a wrong turn. We’ll discuss all of this.”
“Thank you.”
“Should I ask Nicholas to remove himself to his rented room? Perhaps he shouldn’t be staying with us. Would that be better? I can request his departure in a way where he won’t be insulted.”
Sarah’s pulse was suddenly racing. She wanted Nicholas in the house with her. The proximity made it seem as if they were married, and it was skewing her view of their relationship. She was imbuing it with more significance than it warranted. He constantly reminded her he wasn’t interested in matrimony, but she’d convinced herself he didn’t really intend to remain a bachelor.
“I don’t know what’s best,” she miserably wailed. “I like him so much, but it’s insane for me to like him.”
Mildred patted her knee again. “I’ll figure this out, and I’ll handle it. You don’t have to deal with it alone, and I’ve placed you in a difficult position by inviting him. I shouldn’t have.”
“Probably not,” Sarah muttered, and she was already kicking herself.
She couldn’t bear to have him move out! Despite how Mildred phrased any request, he’d assume Sarah was a silly child who couldn’t control her emotions. No doubt he’d simply proceed to London immediately, and she’d never see him again.
What had she done?
They were driving through the center of town, a hotel visible out the window. Mildred glanced out, and she snorted with disapproval. “Well, well, would you look at that?”
“What?”
Sarah glanced out too, and there was Nicholas strolling down the street arm in arm with Desdemona. They were smiling and chatting, appearing as if they were much more closely acquainted than he’d bothered to admit.
But of course they were close. Desdemona had been swimming with him in the nude.
“They seem very friendly,” Mildred casually pointed out.
“I could have sworn he insisted he hardly knew her.”
They were quickly past the spot, and Sarah relaxed in her seat, declining to lean out and continue watching them like an obsessed ninny.
She was furious—which was ridiculous—and she was feeling very betrayed, which was ridiculous too. She had no claims on his affection. They’d shared a few stirring kisses, but he was basically a stranger, one who boasted that he never bonded with others and never kept his promises. If he flirted with Desdemona—or any woman—was it any of Sarah’s business?
She thought it was and it wasn’t.
“I’m glad we witnessed that little scene,” Mildred said.
“Why? It left me sick to my stomach.”
“Hopefully, it will yank you to your senses. He’s fascinating and polite, and he’s delightful company, but a girl who gets sucked into his orbit needs to keep a level head.”
“Too right, Mildred. Too right.”
“When we catch ourselves forgetting his true inclinations, we’ll remember him with your cousin. We’ll recall the reason there has to be limits where he’s concerned.”
“I hate limits,” she mumbled.
Mildred chuckled. “So did I when I was your age, and I learned some painful lessons because of it. You have to recollect who you are and who he is.”
“He’s a libertine. I should repeat that like a mantra.”
“Yes, you should.”
They arrived at the house, and once inside they removed their shawls and bonnets. Then they went into the front parlor. There was a wrapped gift on the sofa. Mildred picked it up and handed it to Sarah, and she was giddy as a child with a new toy.
“What is it?” Sarah asked.
“It’s a birthday, isn’t it?” Mildred said. “Not my birthday or yours, but a birthday nonetheless. I’ve bought you a gift.”
“You shouldn’t have! You’re conveniently confusing my place in your life.”
“I not confused. Now open it.”
It had been an eternity since she’d received a present, and it was totally inappropriate for Mildred to give her anything, but she was thrilled and wouldn’t pretend she wasn’t.
She pulled the ribbon from the box and tugged off the lid to reveal a lavender dress, complete with matching slippers and shawl. There was even a painted fan for her to hang on her wrist.
“Oh, Mildred,” she murmured, “it’s all so pretty.”
“I thought you’d look beautiful in lavender. It will highlight your hair and eyes.”
“I ought to refuse it, but I won’t. I will wear it at supper.”
“It’s my plan that Nicholas see you at your fetching best so he’ll regret every second he spent with your cousin. We’ll remind him that she is a homely cow, while you are a precious gem he could have had for his own if he wasn’t such a thick dunce.”
Sarah laughed. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.”
“Good.”
Sarah tossed the box on the sofa, and she hugged Mildred as tightly as she could.
“I’m glad we met,” Sarah said. “I’m glad we’re friends.”
“So am I.”
“This will be the greatest baby’s birthday you ever celebrated.”
“You’ll help me make it the greatest,” Mildred said.
“I can’t wait.”