Everything had been leading to this.

I looked at myself in the mirror, inspecting my face, memorizing it exactly how it looked in this moment.

Because mere hours from now, I wouldn't be the same. I would be a woman. I would no longer be a virgin.

Sucking in a deep breath, I let the idea digest into my nervous stomach. I was about to give my whole self over to Carson. I was about to have sex for the first time.

Jesus, I was nervous. But also excited. Anticipating what it would feel like, to be swept up in that much love for him. It had happened before, the way we got completely ensnared in each other. We would kiss for hours, or check off some bases that would lead into a whole other realm of touch and sensation.

I love Carson. I’m in love with him. I trust him completely. But I still have this feeling as I stand looking at myself; the feeling all other girls who are about to do the deed for the first time probably feel. Fragile, innocent. Like in just a few short moments, the girlish wonder and pure naiveté will vanish, leaving me in the adult universe forever.

Checking my bag, and the time, I tiptoe down the hallway and past the room where my dad sat up watching TV. Who knew where Joel was, probably out partying or getting himself into some sort of mess I’d have to undo soon enough.

But tonight was mine. Ours. Carson and I had been planning this, how we would meet at our favorite spot. He would bring the condoms, and I would bring the blankets.

Part of me was expecting that he’d do more. It was our first time after all, and while it only mattered that it was with him, I couldn’t put the girlish fantasies out of my head. I hoped there were candles and roses, music playing and that he researched all of the different techniques to make it hurt less.

As I left the house, in my typical fashion of the left open basement door, I thought about the pain. It was the thing that kept nagging at my mind, leaving me scared. I was excited about everything else, but the fear of it not feeling good … of me not being good for Carson, well that petrified me. I wanted it to be perfect, like I’d seen in the movies.

Shit, I was such a girl.

My heart beats double time with each step I take down our sand road, the blankets in my backpack swishing. It was warm, still September, and I wanted to remember what every breath of air tasted like. Carson and I had talked about it all summer, and I hadn’t been ready. He would get me to a certain point, and I would back off, begging more time. He was always polite, if not bluer than the ocean in the balls. But after school started, and we walked the halls together with all of the other girls looking on as he slung an arm around my shoulder, I knew I was ready. Not just because I was insecure, but because I wanted Carson to be mine in every way possible. And I wanted to be his.

As I turned the hill towards the Horse Shack, a familiar figure approached from the other side.

“Hi.” I held him in my gaze, looking as his long, tan body walked confidently toward me.

Carson Cole was a sight to behold. Lean and tall, with surfer good looks, wavy chocolate hair, and searing eyes to match.

“I was nervous you wouldn’t come.” He reaches for me, and I go into his arms.

Tiny waves of warmth and electricity ripple over my skin. “You know, it makes me feel better to know you’re nervous too.”

He pushes a lock of hair behind my ear. “We don’t have to do this if you’re not sure. You know I’m okay with whatever we choose to do.”

I gulp, because he’s so perfect. And I know he’s telling the truth. If I told him I didn’t want to have sex until marriage, he would still be here, pushing us to the edge and then backing off.

“No, I want to. You want to too, right?”

Carson breathes out, mint fanning my lips as he looks up to the sky. “If I told you how many times I thought about this a day, you’d be embarrassed for me.”

I lace my hand in his and wordlessly bring him with me into the house. As we walk up the stairs, I can feel Carson’s pulse jump under my fingers. Sensual energy surrounds us like mist on a rainy day. With each step, my legs shake a little more. My core feels every move, like he’s already touching me.

By the time we step onto the second floor, he’s already coming for me. Our bags drop to the floor as he takes me in his arms.

“The things you do to me, Blake …” He breathes his words into my mouth before capturing it, and stealing my air.

He’s the only boy I’ve ever kissed, and I’m the only girl he’ll ever taste. We make promises with our lips, teeth and tongues, chanting them as our connection deepens, and hands start to roam.

“I love you …” The whisper is a prayer off my lips, into his heart.

He’s heating my blood, bringing me to a boil and we aren’t even skin-to-skin. Over the years, we’ve had to teach each other by touch and words. Neither of us has ever been explored by anyone else, and we’ve grown from fumbling teenagers to loving partners. I know the way he comes undone, and he knows how to be patient and thorough with me. Carson can set off every nerve ending, and make my body feel like an exploding star.

He presses his forehead to mine. “Let me slow down, or this is going to be over way too quickly. I got you something.”

With a gentle hand, he sits us down on the floor and reaches for his backpack and then mine. I can’t see what he’s pulling out, but I help by dragging the blankets out of my bag.

“You stay here and look pretty.” He winks, and hands me one single sunflower.

My jaw drops a little, because while I wished for it, I didn’t know if he would do anything romantic. But I guess that’s the best kind, a completely surprising romantic gesture. Especially since he knows that sunflowers are my favorite, and they rarely grow this time of year.

“Where did you even find this?” I smell it and smile.

Carson spreads the first blanket on the rough wood floor. “I have my tricks.”

He spreads the next one over the top of the first, and then folds the third over top, to cover us if it’s cold I assume. It’s dark besides the clear moonlight, which illuminates the room due to the missing walls.

So I’m again pleasantly surprised when Carson pulls two candles and a pack of matches out.

“Wow, this is romantic.” I genuinely mean it.

He doesn’t take his eyes off of me as he lights them and sets them far enough away from the blankets. “I want this to be special for us.”

My cheeks go pink, I can feel it.

When he’s finally done fidgeting with the bags, he crooks a finger at me. “Come here, beautiful.”

I stand, setting my sunflower down and crossing to him. In nothing but a T-shirt, shorts and converse, there isn’t much standing between he and I.

I initiate, tentatively setting my lips against his and tasting the familiar. But there is also something new there, something I’ve yet to experience.

Our gentle kissing leads to inhaling, trying to talk in the language of unspoken sentences. My hands move to his clothes, needing to feel the skin beneath. In what seems like a matter of seconds, I’m bare for him, moving to the blankets. We’ve never been fully undressed for each other, and it’s intimate and scary. But underneath the fear, there is love and desire threatening to burst out.

“I love you forever, Blake Sayer.” Carson is up on an elbow, his naked chest leading down to one of the most beautiful parts of him. A part that will soon connect us, that will tear the last shred of separation between us.

His hands mold me, reducing me to a panting ball of need. His fingertips spark against me, and my ears ring with the sounds of his breath and the nighttime echoes of the forest below.

Time ceases to exist as I take him in my hand, working over his manhood like he’s shown me. A muttered curse, a moan out of my own throat. Our noises and pleasure meld into one, this base that we’ve already taken a familiar but exciting place.

“I’m ready.” My voice conveys more confidence than I feel.

But I am. My body is rocking like I’m caught in a riptide, and he’s the only one who can right me. Take me back to land, or help me lose myself in the abyss forever.

Carson looks at me a moment, our eyes connecting and conversing in a way that words simply could not. He reaches for the condom he set on the edge of the blanket, and I watch him roll it on, scared but also with anticipation rolling through my chest.

“You’re the only one, Blake.” He nods as he moves between my legs.

Words fail me, because there is no set of perfect syllables to string together right now. The emotions cloaking us, like the blanket he wraps around his shoulders, create a little world where only the two of us exist. I feel so big, infinite under the stars that peak out from the clouds in the night sky.

Carson connects us, his skin laying over my own, as I feel him nudge at my entrance. I’m slick with wonder, with love and all of the other feelings clogging my throat. One hand goes to his cheek, the other his chest. If I can just feel him under my fingers, if I can capture this moment and catalogue it for all of time…

A tightness and a muted pain hit me straight to the core. It feels like a rod, swift and hard, is pushing through me, and that I’ll never be able to accommodate it.

“Just look at me, baby.” Carson grunts, and I find those dark brown eyes.

“Ahh …” I try to tell him, and he covers my mouth with his lips.

His tongue is distracting, the soft strokes and gentle nibbles focus my brain away from the invasion below.

And when he comes back up, with a tic in his jaw, I realize I no longer feel the bite of pain. In it’s place is a fullness, but one that I crave. One that I never knew my body was made for until right now.

“You are …” Carson breathes through his nostrils, and I know he’s having as hard of a time as I am.

With what to say. Because words fail this moment. What’s happening between us is bigger than language, deeper than simple letters.

Our bodies move together, writing the rhythm of our love like the tide of the sea that laps quietly outside. We never break eye contact, and it’s never in a million years how I thought it would be.

Soft and slow but intense and deep, his body explores mine. My heart flutters with each pulse of his hips, and his eyes flash each time a moan escapes my throat.

When we finally fall, plunging into the same crystal clear ocean of overwhelming bliss, it’s done clutching each other for dear life. We ride the wave, the look in his eyes tattooing itself forever in my memory.

Never in my life did I know there could be a feeling such as this. And as we came down, feeling each other’s skin like it was a brand new texture, I knew that I would crave this forever.