On October twenty-third, I usually went to a local bar near my place in Boston and drank myself stupid. This year would be different.

I pulled up to the dock at six a.m., and it was no wonder that there were already some fisherman here stocking up their boats. One who looked familiar waved, and I waved back.

When Blake invited me the day of our talk, I had been hesitant. This was her tradition, and we were only just on unsteady, friendly ground. Any little thing could break it apart, causing seismic waves of issues between us again. But she’d promised me she wanted me here.

So here I was, five days later, walking down the dock to a little crabbing boat called The Tides That Bind.

Our talk. Jeez, it had come out of nowhere. She’d shown up at the office like a mirage and spilled her soul to me like she owed me an explanation. Blake didn’t, and I’d never ask for one, but I’m glad we’d gotten everything out on the table. That we admitted our mistakes, and that she’d showed me some of her logic for why everything had happened the way it did.

And now … I was going to move us forward. I was going to be the one who took us from the place of loss and bad memories to … a future.

“Hi there.” I stand over the boat, a small white contraption with two benches, a motor, and some tackle boxes built in.

Two pairs of eyes glance up at me, one tentatively happy and the other so surprised she almost topples over into the water.

“Wha … what? What are you doing here?”

“Well I guess you didn’t tell her I was back.” I direct this to Blake.

Her Aunt Carolyn smacks her arm, and I can’t help but chuckle.

“Don’t laugh, Carson Cole. I’ve been hearing for years that if this girl ever laid eyes on you, she’d skin you alive. You be happy that all your manly parts are still in the correct places. And I’d protect those today if I were you.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle; I didn’t realize just how much I’d missed Carolyn until right now. She was Blake’s father, Patrick’s, little sister, and she’d been around for a lot of our childhood. Fun, spunky and honest … she was just the kind of woman to diffuse the tension on this crabbing trip.

Apparently, Blake and Carolyn did this every year on Joel’s birthday … which was also Blake’s birthday. It figured that Blake celebrated her deceased twin on her own birthday. Sadness pinged through my chest thinking about how lonely she’s been over the years. Hopefully, I could change that.

“You’ve been in Boston too long, who knows if you still know how to crab.” Blake is setting up the lines and the bait that we’ll drop into the ocean.

I step into the boat, setting down the cooler I brought with me. “Oh don’t you ladies worry, I’m still an Outer Banks boy at heart. We’ll see who catches the most crabs.”

It feels good flirting a little, bantering after all of the fiery words and unspoken thoughts Blake and I had been sharing lately. I can’t believe she blamed herself for the accident, even to this day. The way that Joel died, the way we’d tried to save him … it had all been horrible. I’d had nightmares for years about diving into that bloody, tin tasting water and pulling my best friend out. But I’d finally resolved it within myself that my guilt was unfounded. And now I had to help her do that.

Once we were all settled, Blake started the motor and the boat slowly sped out into the water. The waves gently clapped against the sides, fish inspecting at the surface. I hadn’t been out on the water in ages, and it felt freeing to be unanchored.

“So you took over the company?” Carolyn leans over to me, peeking in my cooler and pulling herself out a beer. I take out two more and hand one to Blake.

She looks so pretty today, with her hair tied up in a red bandana, the blond waves floating in the wind. Every time she turned those blue eyes on me, it was like we were sharing a secret conversation.

I turn my attention back to Carolyn. “I did … am, slowly but surely. It’s a lot to take on, but it’s fun. I’ve been watching my dad for a lot of years, so hopefully I can live up to what he created.”

Carolyn nods. “I’m sure you will, you always were the best with animals. I remember you as a kid, running around, spouting facts about the horses.”

Blake just listens on, and when we reach a spot she’s deemed good, she stops the motor and just stares out at the water. She reaches for Carolyn’s hand, and bows her head. This is clearly an every year prayer, a ritual, and something that I’m not a part of. I look off, trying to respect their privacy.

After a minute, I feel a warm hand slide into mine, the grip small and hesitant. My eyes shoot down, and I’m a little stunned to see Blake’s fingers lacing through mine.

“We have a moment of silence first, when we come out here. Honor Joel, say hi. His ashes were spread here.” She explains this to me as chills run through my body.

I didn’t know any of this. I wasn’t at his funeral, didn’t get a say where his final resting would be. But this … it was absolutely perfect. Joel would have loved to freely float through the water for all of time.

Bowing my head, my hand connected to hers, I say hi to my old friend. I tell him about the years that have passed, how I’m back now. I tell him that I hope he’s okay with me being here with Blake, if he’d approve of me still loving her.

Loving her was the fuel in my veins that had driven me the last ten years. I’d never stopped loving her, not for a minute, not for a day.

“All right, buddy, it’s good to see you. Now let’s crab!” Carolyn breaks our silence, and I’m glad she’s here.

If it were just Blake and I, we would have to wade through the awkwardness of acting a certain way. Honestly, we barely knew each other now. After ten years, we were strangers. Carolyn was helping bridge that gap by offering funny anecdotes and asking questions.

The morning sun on the water warmed us up, and the crab traps sat in the ocean. We pulled them up every time we got a little bite, collecting the sea animals in our little baskets. I opened my cooler to them, handing out beers every time someone finished. Carolyn told me about her kids, and Blake gushed over her niece and nephew. They talked about trips past, and the time the motor had stalled out a few years ago and they were left stranded until another boat came along. Around noon, I pulled out the sandwiches I’d made on thick Italian rolls.

“Thanks for providing the food, Carson,” Blake said as she bit into it.

I nodded, not wanting to overly-acknowledge that she’d just paid me a compliment.

When I’d showed her the picture in my wallet a week ago, it was to show her that I’d never stopped caring about her. That she was the only girl I’d ever love. I don’t know if she got that message, because she sure wasn’t letting on that she did. Maybe she didn’t feel that way about me anymore. She hadn’t shown any signs that she still did. If I even had a shot, I had to wade carefully into this.

“So what do you do with them after?” I nod to the crabs we’ve caught.

Carolyn talks through a mouthful. “Well, we always make crab bisque. And usually with the leftovers, Blake will make this awesome Cajun crab and mayo salad spread.”

I pat my stomach. “That sounds delicious, I hope I can try both of those.”

Blake nods. “I think that can be arranged.”

The boat falls silent for a minute, and I feel like I need to address something.

“Joel would have loved this. I know you’ve been doing it for years, but … this is really nice. I remember how he used to lay out on his surfboard in the middle of the sea, seeing how far out it would take him. He once told me that in another life, he was a merman. I kind of believed him. Anyway, he would have loved this. And thank you for inviting me to come. It means a lot.”

They both stare at me, Blake’s eyes a little misty. I wonder, for a second, if she’ll ever look at me again the way she used to. With such adoration, love. A mirror of how my own eyes held her. God, we’d been kids but we had been so in love.

“Thanks for making an old lady tear up, jeez, Cole.” Carolyn hits me jokingly, and the funny moment breaks up the sad nostalgia.

After we finish eating, we make quick work of breaking down our set up and heading back towards the dock. I help the ladies out of the boat and we load the crabs into coolers that they prepared before we left. The whole process is seamless, and I admire Blake as she works independently, getting almost everything done by herself.

She was a vastly different woman than the girl I’d left ten years ago. Sure, she’d always had a mind of her own. But now she was almost … a force to be reckoned with. Blake put out a vibe that she could do things on her own, and damn you if you tried to get in the way or question that.

But I wanted to be the one who did things for her. “Blake, can I take you home?”

She looked awkwardly at her aunt. “Well … Aunt Carolyn is staying with me.”

Carolyn jumps in, shushing her. “Nonsense, I wanted to get in some shopping anyways. You take her home, I’ll take her car.”

She practically runs away from us, leaving us standing in the parking lot alone.

“Come on, my car is this way.”

I help her load the crabs and supplies into my trunk, and then lead her around to the passenger side. “Let me get your door.”

Opening it, I usher her in as she gives me a strange look. This may be weird, considering this definitely wasn’t a date. But then something else strikes me. Maybe she’s been seeing another man. Has she had other … men since I’ve been away? I could never be mad about that. But still, jealousy rolls through my gut like a riptide.

The drive to her house is a short one, and we make small talk about the island, any local news I’ve heard in the past few days. Once we arrive in front of her house, I cut the engine and get out to carry everything inside. It feels so different, entering this house now, than it did just a few short weeks ago. Although there still may be some unresolved issues we need to work through, the anger, hurt and grief don’t feel to be between us anymore. The weight that was drowning us alive has been lifted.

“Do you want … some tea, or I don’t know, a beer?” She shuffles her feet, and I want so badly to back her up against a wall again and put my lips on hers.

My girl, this woman. She looks so unsure, like a deer caught in headlights.

But like I promised myself, I won’t push her. Today was a big step for us, and I’m not going to ruin it by overstaying my welcome.

“I should get going, long day at work tomorrow.” I notice the sigh of relief that blusters through her.

But I will take one more risk today. Walking towards her, I prepare to touch her skin and do only that. It’s hard for me to fight the urge to wrap myself around her. To explore the woman she’s become.

“Thank you for inviting me.” I move her body into mine, enveloping her in a hug.

It’s not a hug though, not for either of us. Blake inhales a sharp breath, and I graze the bare skin of her arms with my fingertips. Up and down, up and down. The embrace is intimate, charged with harnessed sexual energy that I’m trying so hard to rein in. She tucks her head into my chest, and I can’t help but press my lips to the crown of it. Cherry and a flowery scent kiss my nose, and I know I’ll be dreaming about this scent tonight. Blake makes a tiny sound, a grunt of satisfaction or a moan of relief. I don’t want to let go, but I know I have to.

“I’ll call you this week, okay?” I don’t let go yet.

She nods into my chest.

It takes a forklift of energy to unwrap my arms from around her, but I finally do it. If she could take the small step to include me in her birthday, in Joel’s birthday … then I can do this for her.

I can show her how good we can be, once again.