It was unbelievably difficult for me to say what I said to Theo, but once I’d finally said it out loud to him and gotten out of that house, I realized that it was so much easier than keeping my feelings a secret for such a long time. A weight had been lifted and I felt great, but I also had butterflies in my stomach. I loved them. Those lovesick stomach butterflies were finally free.

I realized my self-imposed exile was hard to understand on many levels. I knew how much I was going to miss having Theo as a best friend during this weird transitional phase, but I didn’t want to be the girl who Swiffers to Justin Bieber and offers to marry him while doing the dishes. I wanted to be the girl he drives to pick up for a date, who makes his palms sweaty when he sees me in a new dress, who says things like “you aren’t going to believe how hard I’m going to make you” and doesn’t run away screaming. I was hoping that girl would be able to handle him looking at me like he wanted to devour me. Because that was how he was looking at me in Palm Desert, and right before I fled from his house that night.

I was just starting to get a handle on the fact that I wanted to be devoured by him. And that I was afraid of it. And that I was just as afraid of losing myself in him as I was afraid of losing him.

But I was twenty-five, and he was hot and I was horny and what the hell, right? Soon I’d be too old to use my youth as an excuse for my mistakes, and I hadn’t made nearly enough mistakes yet. I was primed for making some really juicy ones.

I had left the wedding rings in their boxes in the drawer by my bed. I never wore them, but I liked having them near me. It already felt weird not being there. I loved Chloe and Ethan and really liked their new apartment, but after over a month of long workdays, what I really needed was to collapse into my own bed at home. This wasn’t home. Theo had been my home for years, I knew that. But as much as I had gotten used to living with my secret feelings for Theo—there definitely wasn’t enough room in that house for me, Theo, my newly-open feelings for him, his weird sudden onset of jealousy, his freaking beautiful bare chest, the memory of us making out on the sofa, the growing attraction between us, and my own sexual frustration. Los Angeles County may not have been big enough to house that last thing.

Three seconds after I got into bed, in Chloe and Ethan’s home office/guest room, I was greeted by a text from Theo.

Theo: I need to ask you something.

Oh God, now what?

Me: Proceed.

Theo: What exactly is it about The Departed that makes you horny?

Me: How do you know it makes me horny?

Theo: *raises eyebrow* Come on. Is it DiCaprio or Damon? Just tell me. One word.

Me: Sheen.

Me: It’s Martin Sheen and all that talking. I will never watch The West Wing in front of you, because it’s basically porn to me.

Theo: Liar.

Me: Fine. It’s everything. I don’t know what it is specifically. It’s the whole package.

Me: Okay, I lied. I just lied again.

Me: I’ll tell you what it really is about The Departed that makes me horny.

Theo: Proceed.

Me: Watching it with you. I watched it with Andrew once when I was visiting him and it just didn’t do it for me. It’s you. Watching all those violent filthy-mouthed Boston alpha males with you.

Theo: I really fucking wish you were here with me right now.

Theo: Naked.

Theo: Good night.

Me: xo

It was a miracle that I was able to sleep that night, and a testament to how exhausted I was, but I slept for ten hours straight. I had the next day off, and would have lost my mind being at Chloe and Ethan’s alone all day while they were at work, but I kept myself busy by rearranging the furniture in their living and dining rooms, and posting my progress on Instagram. That would have been rude and crazy, had they not asked me to. 

I kept my phone on me all the time, constantly checking to see if I’d gotten a text from Theo and cursing myself for wanting so badly to hear from him now, after being so annoyed by all of his texts the week before. 

It wasn’t until mid-afternoon when I got a message from him. 

Theo: Is it okay for me to call you now?

Me: Yes, Mr. Canada, you may call me now. You don’t have to be so polite now that you’re an American, you know?

Theo: You can’t handle me not being polite to you.

Me: Try me.

I didn’t answer his call until the third ring, because I was trying to get into sexy phone voice mode. “Hello, this Gemma speaking,” I said, sounding like a very sexy animated chipmunk.

“Hello there, Gemma.” His voice was huskier than usual. “If I had actually done the things that I just imagined doing to you, you would not be able to speak at all right now.”

Suddenly, my mouth went dry, my palms were sweaty and I started coughing like a sexy idiot.

I could hear him quietly laughing like a sexy jerk. “I’d apologize and ask if you’re okay, but—”

“I’m fine.” I can do this. “Why don’t you tell me a little more about what you imagined doing to me?”

“I’d rather show you. When the time is right. I called you for another reason.”

“Do tell.”

“The closing night party for the tech summit thing I’ve been going to is tomorrow night. I’d like you to come with me.”

“As your date?”

“No, as my chauffeur. It’s being held on the Warner Brothers lot, so wear something pretty but casual. All the men there will be wearing jeans and expensive sneakers.”

“Why, will there be a Jerry Seinfeld lookalike contest?”

“Cute. It’ll be a bunch of wealthy investors and tech people, like me.”

“I’ll wear my very best yoga pants for them.”

“Only if you promise I’m the only one who gets to see your downward dog pose.”

“Not on the first date.”

“Fair enough. So you’re free tomorrow night?”

“Probably?”

“I’ll pick you up at six-thirty. Don’t worry, it won’t be a late night. And it won’t be super exciting. Rich people talking about investments and tech stuff.”

“Wow, don’t talk it up too much or I’ll be disappointed.”

“You won’t be disappointed. There’ll be a DJ and food and all that, you know.”

“Great! I’ll carry a big purse and some sandwich bags to bring food home in—don’t worry, I’ll be a ninja.”

“Bring a big purse filled with your business cards. I’ll be introducing you to a lot of wealthy people with big houses that need decorating.”

“Is it sexy to say that I just peed myself a little?”

“I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that. I’ll be busy at the conference all morning but I look forward to seeing you at six-thirty tomorrow.”

“Roger that. I’m gonna go finish posting this living room makeover on Instagram.”

“Cool. I’m gonna go think about all the different ways I’m going to make you come.”

He hung up.

I had to check my recent calls list to confirm that it was, in fact, Theo Walker who had just called me, because that was nothing at all like our previous phone conversations.

I grabbed a bottle of water and paced around for thirty seconds before texting Chloe. I had been sending her and Ethan pics of their new living and dining room arrangement for the past couple of hours, but apparently my message conveyed distress nonetheless.

Me: Hey! How’s your day?!

Chloe: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing?! Just checking in. I love your place. Thanks so much for letting me stay here and post this stuff on Instagram. 

Chloe: What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing 

Chloe: Gem I don’t have all day I’m in a meeting 

Me: Should you be texting in a meeting?

Chloe: It’s an industrial design firm not the White House 

Me: Fine. I can’t do this.

She didn’t even have to ask what I was talking about.

Chloe: Yes you can.

Me: I don’t know if I can handle it.

Chloe: Yes you can. You’d be surprised how much the vaginal walls can stretch.

I nearly spat out my water.

Chloe: Mother Nature wants us to accommodate big dicks. #survivalofthefittest

I placed my water bottle down on the counter, because I didn’t want to choke to death before finding out if that was true.

Me: I think I saw that on a bumper sticker once…Can you meet me at Nordstrom?

Chloe: YES.

Me: I didn’t say when.

Chloe: I can ALWAYS meet you at Nordy.

Me: I might need help picking out an outfit.

Chloe: FOR A DATE WITH THEO?! I WILL HELP YOU PICK OUT THE SLUTTIEST OUTFIT IN LA!

Chloe: Which would basically be naked with the word SLUT written in red lipstick across your tits.

Me: That doesn’t sound like me. Maybe pink lipstick.

Chloe: LOL

Me: Okay but I don’t want to make a big deal out of this because I’m already nervous. I will not wear a slutty outfit.

Chloe: Fine…

She didn’t send another text for a couple of minutes, and in those two minutes I almost convinced myself that I should text Theo and tell him I wouldn’t be able to make it to the party.

Chloe: My boss just asked me to read aloud our text convo. She says you need to go slutty or go home. She’s right about everything. Meet you at our spot at the Grove at seven. Gotta go. Xo

I was in the dressing room at Nordstrom, trying on a pretty sundress, and trying to figure out why the woman in that mirror was so much fatter and uglier than the one in my mirror at home, when a hand that belonged to Chloe shoved a little black dress in my face.

“This is the one. Put this on.”

I could tell that it was made from at least ten percent spandex, and it had a bustier top with a cutout back.

“This is bordering on slutty.”

“Shut yo mouth girl. Nordstrom does not sell slutty. It’s a body-con dress. So Theo will be conscious of your body in it. Put it on.”

“I am not pro this body-con dress.”

“Put. The. Body-con. On.”

I removed the pretty sundress and searched for a zipper on the little black dress. No such luck. I stepped into it and tried to pull it up past my hips, but the dress was like—no.

“You slip it on over your head,” Chloe stage whispered from right outside my dressing room.

“I don’t think this is casual enough for the event.”

“It will be if you throw a loose blouse over it. But you let Theo see you in just the dress first. Know what I mean?”

I struggled to get the stretchy rib knit dress down past my thighs. “I don’t know if I can do this.”

Somehow, Chloe knew that I was talking about Theo and not the dress. “Okay, well how about we do a pros and cons list regarding you and Theo dating. I’ll list the pros. One. He’s legally your husband. Two. He’s your best friend. Three. He’s your best friend who is also legally your husband. Four. He’s fucking hot. Five. He’s worth millions. Six. He is crazy about you. Seven. You haven’t had sex in what—a century?”

“I hate you.”

“Care to do the cons list?”

“I’m stuck.”

“Exactly. You’ve been stuck in a rut for a year. This is your chance to get out of it. Now or never. That’s a pro.”

“No—I’m stuck in this dress. I’m going to die in this fucking thing!”

“I’m coming in.” Chloe entered to find me trembling with rage and unable to cover my breasts with my hands, because my hands were stuck inside the narrow coffin of stretchy black fabric. One of my boobs was popping out over the bustier-style under-wiring and the other was smushed-up against the back of my arm. She covered her mouth to keep from laughing too loud. The combination of offensive dressing room lighting, non-user-friendly dress design and tension about the date was making my blood boil.

“I really hate the world right now.”

“Actually, this is such a casual look, you won’t even need the blouse.”

“Get me out of here.”

“I’m just going to take one picture.”

“Chloe.”

“I swear to God I’m not being funny here—your tatas look amazing. If you send Theo this picture his cock will erupt. They’ll have to evacuate people from their houses for miles around him.”

“That’s gross and I’m going to kill you if you don’t get me out of this thing.”

“I’m not going to get you out of it, I’m going to get you into it the right way.”

She scrunched up her face while wrestling with the dress, and managed to get my arms through the proper straps and my boobs into proper alignment.

“Wow. I’m serious, this is the dress.”

I turned to face the evil mirror, and even though I suddenly felt the need to do a juice cleanse and sign up for spinning and CrossFit classes, I had to admit that the dress was super sexy and would be perfectly appropriate with a blouse over it. And goshdarnit—my tatas did look amazing and I did want to make Theo’s cock erupt.

Chloe was watching my face—not the splotchy reflection in the evil mirror, but my actual face. “See?”

I looked at her and smiled. Everything was right in the world. “I love you.”

“I love you too. And I love you and Theo. As a couple.”

“I need to get out of this now.”

“You guys belong together,” she continued, while helping me out of the dress. “In every way. You would literally be the cutest couple in the history of planet Earth, and you would be the first cute couple I actually like. I hate cute couples.”

“That’s a lot of pressure. That’s too much pressure.”

“It will be the easiest thing in the world once you stop resisting the inevitable. Just watch the wedding video.”

“No!”

“Why not?!”

“For the thousandth time—if I watch, it will be like watching a movie. It’ll freak me out because I won’t know what was for show and what was real and I won’t be able to just hang out with him without second-guessing everything.”

“You already can’t do that. You’re staying with us because you can’t do that.”

She had a point. But I definitely wasn’t going to watch it before our first date. I was half-way out of the dress and needed Chloe to stick around, and the only way I was going to get her to stop talking about the wedding video was if I changed the subject. Hard. “Did you ever have sex with anyone before Ethan?”

She blinked twice before telling me to lift my arms straight up. “Just high school sex. Why? Are you nervous about having sex with Theo?”

I stared at her blank-faced. “What do you think?”

She pulled the underwire away from my skin, so her fingers wouldn’t graze my nipples while struggling to lift the rest of the bunched-up dress over my boobs. “But why? It won’t be awkward. Theo will know what he’s doing.”

“Well that’s kind of the thing. He has so much more experience than me.”

“Trust me. If the chemistry is there, nothing else will matter.”

I was finally out of the dress but I still couldn’t quite breathe.

“Hey,” she said. “Stop inventing problems and let yourself be happy.”

I nodded. “I think you’re going to have to help me into this dress before you leave for work tomorrow.”

“Yeah, good. That way you’ll feel totally comfortable in it by the time Theo picks you up. Just don’t starve yourself all day. Better to get a food stain on your dress than to act like an idiot because your brain hasn’t been fed.”

I already knew that I would never feel totally comfortable in that dress, that I was going to starve myself all day, and that I would definitely act like an idiot. But I trusted that I’d have a good time with Theo anyway. Because it was us. Surely, not even I would be able to mess that up.