Justin
The low sounds of the television murmured in the background, but all I could hear were the breathy moans coming from Hadley.
Just like every other night for the past few days we’d met up after work, eaten dinner, and then lied to each other about wanting to watch something on television. What really ended up happening was a make out session to rival all others. It felt like high school all over again. Blue balls and all. The only thing missing was the fear that her parents might walk in and catch us.
Hadley’s hands were on my skin, under my T-shirt, roaming my chest. We were on the couch and her legs were straddling my hips. She was in control, driving this make out train, and I was simply along for the ride. But even though she was in charge, I knew exactly where we were headed.
“Stop, stop, stop,” she chanted as my fingers dipped just into the waistband of her leggings. She sat up, pulling away from me but also, by doing so, fitting her heated core right against the erection I’d felt like I’d had all week.
She was breathing heavily, trying to catch her breath, sitting atop me, hair crazy from my hands and mouth red and swollen from my lips.
“We have to stop.” She climbed off and marched into her kitchen.
I groaned, running my hands down my face as I heard her fill a glass with water.
This was our routine. And it was quickly ebbing its way into torture.
Every night we hung out with the intention of talking, getting to know each other. Hadley wanted to date, to spend time communicating. But ten minutes into our dates and one of us would find a reason to touch the other and then it was over.
But every time we got close to getting naked she’d put the brakes on.
That was fine. I was fine. But I was also really fucking turned on all the time and she was not making it easy. For example, when I’d shown up to her apartment that night, she’d answered the door wearing leggings.
Fucking. Leggings.
Sure, she had a shirt on too, but how was a man supposed to concentrate when she was wearing leggings like it wasn’t a big deal? It was a very big deal. Her ass—in leggings—was a big deal.
“We need to start leaving the apartment,” I said, my voice strained, along with other parts of me.
“You mean like real dates? Where people go out in public instead of mauling each other on the couch?”
“Yes. But I’m sure I could probably find a way to maul you in public too.”
“We’re screwed,” she said, her tone sad and defeated.
“No, actually, we’re not. We’re so far from screwed, I can’t even see it on the horizon,” I said, sitting up slightly and looking at her over the back of the couch. “That’s kind of the problem.”
“I’m sorry!” she cried. “I never intend for this to happen. You just always show up looking all sexy and stuff. It’s stupid. And tonight!” she practically yelled. “You come over here with your distressed jeans, all tight and hugging your thighs.” She took a shaky drink of her water. “And then you slip off your shoes and walk around my apartment barefoot. How the hell’s a woman supposed to not tackle a barefoot man?”
“Me?” I cried. “You’re wearing leggings!”
Her gaze was trained on me, annoyance clearly written across her face. But then, in an instant, she was laughing. Big, giant, belly laughs. The kind of laughing where she had to hold on to the counter to keep herself up, bending at the waist and holding her stomach. She was beautiful when she laughed.
“My leggings turn you on?” she asked through laughter, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I wear these because they’re comfortable and frumpy.” More laughter. “I wear them to turn you off!”
I was already smiling, but at her final exclamation, I couldn’t hold back my own laughter. When it subsided, I headed toward her in the kitchen, not stopping until my hands were on her waist and I’d lifted her ass onto the counter.
“For future reference, pants that are skintight and leave absolutely nothing to the imagination are never going to be a turn off for me, babe.”
She looked down at her legs and shrugged. “They’re just pants.”
My hands roamed over her backside. “It’s not the pants, it’s what they’re covering.” I gave her a squeeze and loved the way her eyes lit up and her mouth opened with a wide smile. “I miss you.”
Her smile fell at my words and I almost wanted to take them back, but not quite. I was being honest. I did miss her. I thought we’d found a good place the night she found out what had happened in Vegas, thought we’d made a connection, gotten past all the bullshit we’d been wading through for so long. But I also understood that she needed time to adjust and wanted to take a step back.
“You know it’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you….” She started, but her words trailed off.
“That wasn’t the important part of my statement. I miss you. I want to feel close to you even if we’re not having sex. But for the love of everything holy,” I said as I gripped both her shoulders, shaking her lightly, “if we aren’t going to have sex then let’s stop torturing ourselves and get the hell out of this apartment.”
She laughed with me. “Where’d you have in mind?”
“Did you seriously drag me out of my comfortable apartment to take me on a date to a convenience store?” Hadley looked over at me, one eyebrow raised, expression expectant.
“You wound me,” I said as I opened my car door. We were, in fact, at a convenience store, but that wasn’t our final destination. “We’re just here to get snacks for the main attraction.”
“Are you one of those people who buys candy and then sneaks it into movie theatres?”
I couldn’t tell if the question came with judgement, but decided to answer her anyway. “No, I’m not taking you to the movies. That would kind of defeat the purpose of this outing anyway. You and I in a dark room together would only be trouble. Come on. You get to pick your own snacks.” I climbed out of my SUV and approached the door to the store.
“Where are we going?” she asked as I held the door open for her.
“It’s a surprise.” I motioned to the inside of the convenience store like it was a playland. “Choose whatever you want. There are no limitations.” I heard a snicker and turned to see Hadley holding in a laugh.
“I’ve never had a date offer to buy me anything I wanted from a gas station before,” she said, trying to hold in a laugh.
“Can’t set the bar too high. I’ve got an entire lifetime to impress you,” I replied, winking at her. I watched as her face softened at my words, but only for a second. The snarky Hadley was back a moment later.
“Well, it’s not going to take much to beat the Plaid Pantry.”
Ten minutes later we had snacks and drinks and we were back in the car. I took us to the freeway and pointed us east.
“Okay, seriously, where are we going? There’s nothing out this way except trails and waterfalls.”
She wasn’t wrong. The farther east you moved from Portland, the more trees you encountered. It was beautiful, but it wasn’t like there were a ton of things to do out there. But I had an idea.
“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be fun. Plus, anything at this point is better than not having sex at your apartment.”
“True,” she said just before biting into a Red Vines licorice. We’d both smiled when she’d picked them up at the convenience store.
It was a short drive, just twenty minutes, but Hadley chattered away, chomping on her Red Vines and even taking the opportunity to feed me one. When we exited the freeway, I followed the signs that took us up the side of the hill.
“Are you taking me to Crown Point?” she asked when we passed the signs.
“I am.”
“That’s state land, Justin. It’s really late. Isn’t it closed?”
“Have you ever been there?”
“No,” she replied, drawing the word out and adding in a hint of irritation at avoiding her question.
“But you’ve heard of it.”
“I heard it’s where the teenagers go to make out.”
“That is true. And it all happens after dark. Don’t worry. No one’s going to jail. Besides, I’m a lawyer, I can argue my way out of anything.”
She rolled her eyes and I swear I got an erection.
I pulled up to Crown Point, or the Vista House, as it was sometimes called, and it wasn’t lost on me how eerie the place looked at night. I’d been there during the day and it was a breathtaking view. The viewpoint sat along the Columbia River Gorge and on a clear day you could see many miles of river toward the east, and to the west the tops of the skyscrapers in Portland could be seen. In the dark, though, it was an entirely different story.
“Did you come here to make out with girls in high school?”
“Me? Nah.” It was the truth. I’d never taken a woman there before—for make out purposes or others. “I’m a classy guy. I’m not even bringing you here to make out with you.”
“No?” she asked with a laugh.
I scoffed, pretending to be offended by her lack of faith in me.
“Nope.” I pulled into a parking spot and killed the engine. “Mark my words: I will not kiss you. I don’t care how sexy or sassy you are—it won’t happen.”
“That almost sounds like a challenge.”
I shrugged. “Take it however you like.” I nodded my head toward the windshield. “Shall we?”
Her eyes followed my nod and I watched as she scanned the area with her gaze.
“It’s really dark out there.”
“There’re a few lamp posts.”
She rolled her eyes again, damn her.
“Yeah, two lights for an entire canyon of unfathomable darkness.”
“Come on, scaredy-cat. I won’t let any monsters get you.” I opened my door and hopped out, then crossed over to her side and opened her door. She came willingly, licorice in one hand, energy drink in the other. I closed her door and walked with her to the stone wall that lined the viewpoint.
The road wound around the actual building, circling down the mountain like a drain. To the north was the rushing river and Washington—just a stone’s throw. To the south—behind us—was just a dense wall of trees. Even though it was dark out, very dark, I knew there was green everywhere. That was the beauty of the Columbia River Gorge.
We stopped at the wall, which was only the height of my countertops, and we both took a quiet moment to absorb the view. Then I placed my hands on the wall and hoisted myself up, pulling my legs over the wall and taking a seat.
“Justin,” she cried. “Get down from there! You’re going to fall!”
“I’m not going to fall. I’ve been sitting upright for most of my life. Come on. Hop up,” I said, patting the concrete next to me.
She only shook her head at me, a smile playing on the corner of her lips.
“Come on,” I urged.
She looked over the side again, then her eyes cut to me. “Promise not to let me fall?”
“Scout’s honor,” I said, making a cross over my heart with my finger.
“That’s cross your heart, hope to die. Were you even a Boy Scout?”
“Nope.”
She let out a sigh but set her licorice and energy drink down, then turned and placed her hands on the concrete, hoisting herself onto the wall exactly like you would hoist yourself up onto a kitchen counter. Once her ass was on the wall she very slowly turned her body around so she was facing north like me.
“Look at you, sitting upright so well,” I joked, giving her a wink.
“You’re going to get us killed.”
“It’s fifteen feet to the ground.”
“Yeah,” she said on a laugh. “Fifteen feet until the rock-solid ground.”
“Don’t worry. I promise I won’t let you fall.”
She let out another sigh and looked out toward the gorge. “It sure is pretty.”
She wasn’t wrong. There was a lot of beauty in the darkness. The moon was reflecting off the water and the city lights were twinkling in the distance.
“It’s a good thinking spot.”
“You come here to think?”
“Sometimes.”
“What do you need to think about tonight?”
“Oh, not a lot, I suppose. Whether or not I want to remodel my master bathroom, what to get my parents for their fortieth wedding anniversary, what to do about the woman I married in Vegas.” I tried to make the words as light as possible, but I knew as soon as I said them I’d failed.
“Your master bathroom could use an upgrade,” she said, not missing a beat.
“And for my parents?”
“Fortieth, you say?” she asked as she leaned over slightly and pulled her phone from her pocket. “Hmmm.” Her thumbs moved quickly over the screen, which lit up her face and she looked really out of place surrounded by darkness. “The fortieth anniversary is the Ruby anniversary, or the red anniversary. So…” she says, her voice trailing off. “Hmmm.” She looks up at the sky where there are innumerable stars available for counting. “I know. Send them on a vacation to the Red Sea.” Her fingers started to move even faster. “Google says there’s a great scuba spot in the Red Sea. Marsa Alam, Egypt. There. Done.” She took a bite from a licorice rope and then a pull from her energy drink.
“You know what? That’s kind of perfect.”
“You’re welcome,” she said with a smile, still chewing her licorice.
“And what about my wife?” My tone, again, was way more serious than I intended.
Her smile fell and her gaze dropped to my lips, then darted back up to meet my eyes.
“She’s just as lost as you are.”
“What if I’m not lost? What if I know exactly where I am and where I want to go? Where I want us to go?”
“Where are you going?” she asked as she held out a licorice rope, offering it to me.
I took it but let my hand fall to my lap, trying to read her expression. “I guess I’m trying to say I’d go anywhere as long as you’d come with me.”
Our gaze was locked, but she whispered, “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.”
“Are you, though? Because for the last week I feel like I’m chasing you. We’re together, but you’re running from me and I’m trailing along behind you, hoping I’ll get close enough to grab hold.” The truth poured out of me before I could stop it, before I could analyze the argument and find the best angle to deliver the case.
“You’ve already caught me,” she whispered just as quietly, just as quickly. “I think,” she started, then turned away, forcing her gaze out toward the darkness. “I think I’m trying to figure out how to run with someone, alongside you, instead of being pulled. Does that make sense?”
I let out a laugh. “This whole conversation is fucked.” Her head turned to look at me. “But I think I understand.” I took a chance and reached out to her, taking her free hand in mine and threading my fingers through hers. I had to hold back a fist pump when she didn’t pull away.
We sat in the dark on top of that concrete wall for a while, the silence between us not so loud any longer. After a few moments she leaned over, her head coming to rest against my shoulder. And there we sat until the sharp brightness of headlights moved over us.
Another car pulled around the bend and parked in a spot facing the trees in the north. The engine cut, the lights went out, but nobody exited the car. After a few quiet moments Hadley remarked, “Well, they obviously didn’t come for the view.” She snickered and pushed her face into my chest as she laughed. My hand cupped the back of her head and my lips dropped to her crown. I inhaled the scent of her and tried to burn the moment into my brain, singeing it into my memory. Her, tucked in close and clinging to me.
“Where do you see yourself in five years?” she asked a few minutes later.
“In regard to what?”
“Anything.” She shrugged. “Job, family, life.”
It took me a moment to formulate my answer, but then I decided to just go balls to the wall—consequences be damned.
“I think in five years I want to be settling down. I think it would be nice to spend the next few years with you doing things that are more difficult to do with kids. Traveling, camping, exploring. You know, do the things you have to put on hold for a while when kids finally come along. But then, maybe in about five years, I want to see you carrying my child. I want to build a family with you.”
I laid it all out there, basically fileted my heart right open for her.
It was with her next words she gave me hope.
“I guess we should start thinking about a honeymoon then.”