Chapter Ten
What the hell was she supposed to wear to a picnic on the beach?
Kate stared in frustration at the neatly folded clothes in the dresser of her rental. It wasn’t even so much that she didn’t know what to wear that had her off-kilter, it was how much she cared. Fashion had never been on her radar, and what clothes she put on her body was generally an afterthought at most.
But here she sat, caring very much about her beach outfit and what Autumn would think of it. How annoying was that and who was she, exactly? She grumbled her way through the stupid selection of cutoff shorts and a white sleeveless top. Casual and beachy, she decided, glancing over her shoulder at the mirror. Right? Weren’t cutoffs beachy? Did Google know?
She took a seat and waited for six thirty, watching the seconds crawl by and wondering about the shift in her vulnerability. When she’d first met Autumn, they’d clicked instantly. Everything was easy in the most refreshing sense. But as time went on, she noticed herself looking forward to each moment they got to spend together more and more. She resisted the urge to pop into Pajamas five times a day just to say hi, and now she was stressing about her outfit, of all things. There was only one answer.
The stakes had been raised.
Autumn was beginning to matter to Kate, and with that shift came things like wearing the right damn outfit for sitting in the sand and eating food. She sighed, wondering if she should cancel tonight before she got herself in any deeper or just steer into the skid at this point, knowing she was virtually powerless.
A few minutes later, when she stood face-to-face with Autumn in a blue and white sundress that fell just above the knee, she understood that the choice had been made for her. Kate smiled. “Let’s go to the beach.”
The early evening held tight to the warmth of the afternoon, sheltering them with a comfortable seventy-six degrees and a cool breeze off the Pacific. Autumn drove them down the beach to a spot she knew. The stretch of sand was quiet. Seagulls called overhead, and the soft sounds of the waves rolling in made for a serene soundtrack.
“It’s nice out here,” Kate said, shielding her eyes from the sun and looking down the beach. “Where is everybody?”
“About a mile that way,” Autumn told her, pointing. “That’s where all the action is. Only locals hang out here, and most have headed home after a day of surfing or are grabbing something to eat before heading back for the last few moments of daylight. Speaking of eating…” Autumn held the wicker picnic basket in the air.
“Let me do that,” Kate said, taking the basket. She then fluffed the blanket she’d carried over from Autumn’s car until they had a large square spot to sit. With the breeze gently rustling her hair, Autumn took a seat on the blanket and began unpacking their dinner. “Roasted chicken, smoked zucchini, new potatoes, and strawberry shortcake for dessert. The strawberries are fresh from this cute little town up the coast. I’ll have to take you there one day.”
“You made all this?” Kate asked in surprise.
“Not even close,” Autumn said. “I worked all day. But I know all the best take-out spots. It’s my superpower.”
“Equally impressive,” Kate said, accepting the plate Autumn assembled for her.
“I hope I get to make dinner for you myself someday, though. It’s the least I can do after everything you’ve done for me.”
“I haven’t done anything,” Kate said, moving the very attractive food around on her plate.
“You have, but I know you well enough that I expected you to say as much. You’re a downplayer. If you won Wimbledon, you’d say it was an easy year.”
Kate chuckled. “Trust me, if I won Wimbledon, it was an easy year. I’ve never picked up a racquet.”
“See? Are you arrogant about anything? Is there one thing you know you’re good at and will admit to freely?”
Kate inclined her head and met Autumn’s gaze. “I have impressive taste in women.”
Autumn opened her mouth and closed it, not sure what to say. “You’re smooth.”
Kate smiled lazily. “Been practicing that one.” They ate for a few moments, all the while watching each other, the anticipation of the evening present like a third guest at dinner. So many unspoken thoughts, swirling in the sea air between them. What Kate wouldn’t give to know what Autumn’s were.
“I’m just going to go there. I like you more than I should,” Autumn finally said, granting Kate’s wish.
Kate took a moment, paying attention to the bolt of excitement she got from the declaration.
“And the problem is that I’m getting used to you. And yes, I think you’re beautiful and kind and the chemistry hovers beyond the stratosphere, but that’s not all.”
“Then tell me,” Kate said holding her gaze, reveling in their connection. “I want to know.”
“You’ve become my friend. You’re there for me, and I’m freaking myself the hell out because I don’t want to get attached, but I’m—”
“Getting attached.”
Autumn nodded solemnly and Kate took a moment, because they were entering the dicey waters they’d worked so hard to avoid. But honestly, was there really any way around them, other than staying the hell away from Autumn—a suggestion she knew was damn near impossible for her?
“Me too,” Kate said, simply. It wasn’t the most eloquent sentence, but Autumn was better with words. “So, what are we supposed to do with that?”
“I don’t know,” Autumn said. “Maybe we just eat dinner and enjoy the beach. If I had a magic solution, I’d offer it.”
“I like the enjoying the beach idea.”
“Then that’s two of us.”
They did just that, and Kate understood that when it came to take-out, Autumn Primm didn’t mess around. The meal was phenomenal, as was the view. Neither matched the company. Talking or not talking, she enjoyed the serenity of being there with Autumn.
“Olivia was gobsmacked by your mere existence,” Autumn mused, her fork making twirly circles as she lost herself in the memory. She was so cute when something excited her. “The look on her face when I said the word “firefighter” was worth every difficult moment she put me through.” She squinted. “Well, almost.”
“Were there a lot of those?” Kate sat up straight, not liking the thought. “Bad moments.”
“Do nights spent on my own and the absence of any truly meaningful conversations count?”
“Yeah. Those count a lot.”
“Then yes.” Autumn stared off into the distance, thoughtful. “I guess I didn’t realize how awful the relationship was until I was out of it, and then it was all about the heartbreak of being unceremoniously dumped for a woman with a third of my body fat.”
“I don’t like it when you say stuff like that. You’re beautiful.”
The comment seemed to have resonated with Autumn, and she placed a hand over her heart. “Man. You stun me silent, you know that? And I’m a chatty person. Known for it, far and wide, in fact.” A pause. “I guess I haven’t felt that way about myself in a while. Attractive. I have lately.”
“Good. It’s beyond me that you wouldn’t. Do you think it has to do with the breakup?”
“Probably a portion of it.”
“So, why’d it end?”
Autumn took a moment as if trying to answer a complicated question simply. “We’d been drifting apart for a while. Olivia had always been searching for something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then one day she joined a gym, and I saw a shift. She spent more time in front of the mirror. Highlighted her hair and started counting every carb that went into her mouth. The owner of the gym, Betsy, took a special interest in her case, and from then on, it was, ‘Betsy said we should be doing forty-five minutes of cardio every morning to start our day. Betsy thinks it would be better if we stopped going to restaurants. Betsy says no more popcorn at the movies.’”
Kate stared at her. “Betsy sounds like a buzz kill.”
Autumn smiled sardonically. “In more ways than one. But it got worse. As Olivia fell deeper into it, the focus shifted to me, which was…hard. How I should come work out with her, and look into taming my hair, or work more on my tan when I had time off. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I’d never felt more like a loser in my life. Well, until she left me for Betsy.”
Kate was worked up and hating every detail she’d just heard. She sat up straight. “Thank God she did. Because that kind of life sounds awful. Getting away from Olivia might be the best thing that ever happened to you.”
“Well, so far,” Autumn said. They let the sentence linger. “What about you, though? Tell me about your history. When was the last time you were in love?”
The word was a tricky one for Kate. Love. She wasn’t exactly sure what it meant, what comprised love in the romantic sense. “I don’t know that I ever have been. Yet.”
“Oh.” That pulled Autumn up short. “But you date?”
“I date. Occasionally.” Kate looped a strand of hair behind her ear. “Harder in a small town.”
Autumn nodded, biting her lip. “I’d imagine so. Worst date you’ve ever been on? Go.”
“You really want to go there?” Kate asked, smiling.
“I have to learn everything I can about the mysterious out-of-towner.”
“Fair enough. Marissa Granson asked me to the sausage festival.”
“Pause.” Autumn held up a hand. “Clearly, I heard you wrong.”
Kate chuckled. “You didn’t. There’s an annual sausage festival held every year just outside of Slumberton.”
Autumn bathed in enjoyment, her eyes bright. “And it’s somehow this sausage fest, a literal one, that seemed like the perfect place for Marissa to take her lesbian date? I’m not sure anything you say will top that. You can try. Won’t work.”
Now Kate was laughing. “The irony is not lost on me, as I hear it back now.”
Autumn, trying to control her own laughter, waved them on. “Okay, okay, so you and Marissa, intent on a romantic lesbian one-on-one, are headed to the sausage festival. Got it. Given circumstances in place. Proceed.”
Kate shook her head because it really did sound ridiculous. “Do you want me to be able to get through this?” Because the sheer act of trying not to laugh had tears filling her eyes.
“I desperately need you to get through it. Now, let’s hear about your wild sausage adventure.”
Kate took a long, deep breath, which helped bring her back to a semblance of control. “Well, to begin with, she brought her brother and her turtle.”
That did it. Autumn erupted into silent laughter all over again, falling to her side on the blanket. She attempted to speak, failed, and then tried again. “Let me guess,” she wheezed. “Turtles love a good sausage?”
“You’d think, but no. They’re vegetarian. Marissa just happened to be very attached to LeRoy. That was his name. She took him most everywhere. Long story short, I wound up turtle-sitting most of the night while she stood in line for one sausage after another, and on top of it, I had to fight off advances from the stupid brother.”
“Who probably had some sausage ambition of his own.”
Kate covered her face. “You give it all new meaning.”
“Well, someone has to. That sounds like a doozy of an evening, Kate.”
She looked skyward. “It’s not one I’m likely to forget.”
“Okay, and now your best date,” Autumn prompted. She tucked a strand of her curls behind her ear and rolled her lips inward in excited anticipation. “And if it tops the sausage fest in terms of storytelling, you’ve made my night.”
“Okay, well here goes.” Kate didn’t even have to think on this one and answered automatically: “The observatory with a talkative redhead.”
A pause. Autumn eyed her skeptically. Her smiled dimmed. “I can’t decide if you’re telling the truth.”
“I am,” Kate said. The laughter from earlier had her feeling light and playful. “You should have seen this woman. Her jaw dropped each time something along the way amazed her, and she indulged my space travel fixation. She was kind, and funny, and looked very, very pretty in a green dress I will never get out of my mind. Another night I will never forget for a whole separate reason. Nothing to do with turtles or sausages.”
Autumn stared at her as if struck. “How do you do that with just, like, five sentences?”
“Do what?”
“Make me feel important.”
Kate shrugged. “I just call ’em as I see ’em.” They stared at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Kate felt the warmth move from the center of her back, up her neck, until her face felt hot. The rest of her body followed suit. But she didn’t shy away from any of it. She held steady.
“Come over here,” Autumn said quietly. Kate crawled over and nestled her body behind Autumn’s, who sat cross-legged as they looked out over the water. “I’ve got a problem,” Autumn said. “We’ve got this whole hands-off policy, yet when I’m around you, all I want is your hands…on.”
Kate took a steadying breath at the declaration. She felt it in her stomach and most notably lower. The sound of the waves, the desolate stretch of beach, and the words Autumn had just confessed had her battling a gentle throbbing.
“I can help with that,” she said quietly. She placed her hands on Autumn’s knees, caressing upward to her lower thigh, exposing it beneath the sundress slightly with her movement, and back again. “Your skin is soft.”
Autumn rested the back of her head on Kate’s shoulder. “I’m the queen of methodical lotion application, required for a beach town.”
Kate closed her eyes and enjoyed the sensation of the smooth skin beneath her fingertips. “It’s really working for you.”
“So, you like my skin.”
“More than that. I like it all.”
A pause. “What is it about me that you’re attracted to?”
The question snagged Kate’s attention because the tone in Autumn’s voice indicated she was literally asking for clarification. She didn’t get it. Ludicrous. “I like watching you talk, for one.”
Autumn turned in her arms. “What does that mean? Watching.”
“You hold your mouth in the most unique way, as if you’re sometimes about to say something, but then change direction to something else. I really like that, watching it play out.”
Autumn laughed. “Now that’s one I’ve never been told before.”
“You also have really great underwear.” She let her fingertips brush the tops of Autumn’s thighs this time, and back again. The constant motion had the throbbing moving into high gear and Kate’s mind trotting off to…more intimate thoughts.
She heard Autumn suck in a breath. “Well, that one night I did.”
“Are you kidding? More than that night. I might have stolen a glimpse here or there. The satin purple bra I spotted yesterday might be the winner.”
“Wow.”
“My thought at the time.” Kate continued to trace patterns across Autumn’s skin. Had her attention grown increasingly intimate? Yes. Had she briefly brushed the insides of Autumn’s thighs with the lightest of touches? Possibly.
Autumn shook her head slightly. “What are you doing to me right now?”
Kate smiled into Autumn’s shoulder. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Except she had so many ideas. All of them R-rated.
“You should know that I’m about to combust in your arms.”
“Are you asking me to make that happen?” she whispered in Autumn’s ear. The nod was almost imperceptible. Kate pressed her hand boldly beneath Autumn’s dress, to the patch of fabric between her legs, and pressed gently.
“Oh, my God,” Autumn breathed.
“Let’s try for more of that.”
She pressed back against Kate’s hand. “Fuck.”
“That, too.”
Kate surveyed the expanse of the beach, noting that they still had it all to themselves. The last soul they’d seen was a man walking his dog, but that was a good fifteen minutes ago. With one eye on the beach, she stroked Autumn softly, pressing into the fabric, moving across it. Over and back again, listening to sounds of the waves and Autumn’s accelerated breathing. She nuzzled her face into Autumn’s hair and traced circles now, inching slightly higher, so that—
“There,” Autumn managed, grasping Kate’s forearm for emphasis. Autumn nodded her endorsement and leaned back against Kate fully, adjusting to allow Kate more access. The circles Kate traced became smaller, quicker, and more focused until Autumn shuddered, stilled, and cried out quietly in Kate’s arms.
Her breath still came in short gasps. “On the beach,” she managed anyway. “Right here on the fucking beach you did that.”
“We had it to ourselves,” Kate said, grinning. “I couldn’t help myself. You…inspire things in me.”
“Yeah, well, you just inspired a soul-scorching orgasm in me.” She nodded several more times. “This is definitely what I would classify as living life more fully.”
“We need to go now,” Kate said. Autumn turned in her arms and met her eyes questioningly. “Because I didn’t get to fully touch you, and now you’re saying words like ‘orgasm’ out loud, and I have more to offer on the topic.”
Autumn’s eyes went dark. “Dear Lord, help me.”
Hours passed as they did decadent things together in Kate’s apartment, yet it didn’t feel like hours at all. When she was with Autumn, time flew, and because they were already familiar with each other, the night took on a different tone. They were bolder, more playful, and a lot more at home with each other. As the sun crept through the window in the early hours of the morning, a thought occurred to Kate. “Hey, are you supposed to be at work?”
Autumn, who lay naked and gorgeous and nestled into Kate’s side, shook her head. “Not opening today. I give myself one or two days a week to sleep in, if only a couple of hours more. Why? You trying to get rid of me?”
“I’m trying to keep you,” Kate said, and pressed a kiss onto her forehead. “I also don’t want you to ever put your clothes on again.”
“That might pull looks.”
She laughed and pulled Autumn in closer. She let her eyes drift closed and felt the humming of her body, satisfied and heavy from Autumn’s expert attention. She was a firecracker in every aspect of her life, and the bedroom was certainly included. “Hey, do you have names yet?” Kate rested the side of her head on her palm.
“As in baby names?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s something you would want to talk about?”
Kate softened. “Of course it is. You don’t have to keep your actual life tucked away. You act like talking about what you have going on is a burden. Your doctor’s visit, this conversation—all things I want to participate in, because they’re connected to you. Do you get it now?”
Autumn sat up in bed, pulling the blanket with her. She smiled, and blinked back sleepily. “I get it now.”
“So, what are the names?”
“I don’t have any,” she said simply.
“Come on,” Kate said. “Everyone has thought about what they would name their children.”
Autumn shook her head. “Not me. I think I’m afraid if I do that, I’ll…”
“What?”
“Start to buy into something that would make me happy. But what if it doesn’t happen? What if it doesn’t belong to me? Names just seem too…assumptive. Big things don’t tend to happen in my life. So I’m cautious.”
Kate understood that Autumn was not the type who did much for herself. She worked hard, looked out for other people—especially her friends—and expected the worst from pretty much every other aspect of life. Maybe that was Olivia’s fault. Maybe her mother’s. Regardless, it made Kate want happiness so badly for Autumn it hurt.
“Hey, look at me. It’s okay to hope. And while I don’t have any sort of guarantee, I know in my heart that this is going to happen for you, and I want you to start thinking that way, too.”
A ghost of a smile passed Autumn’s lips. “It’s terrifying, but I can try.”
“Try hard, because you’re the most deserving person I know. And the most amazing, and not just when you’re vertical.”
Autumn grinned fully at the cheeky comment. “Okay, I’m gonna say something here. Are you ready?”
“Ready.”
“Do you know what you do for me?”
Kate shook her head.
“Well, beyond the obvious”—Autumn bounced her eyebrows—“you give me confidence, and it’s the strangest feeling.”
“Nope. All I did was remind you.”
She lay back down in bed with her cheek turned to Kate. “When can I see you again?”
“Are you free for a late lunch?”
“Today’s my lucky day. I am.”
She snuggled back into Kate, and they caught what little sleep they could before Autumn had to head over to Pajamas. Their date and the memorable night that followed felt like a breakthrough. She remembered the words she’d spoken to Autumn on the beach. She’d never been in love. That part was true, but Autumn was different from any other girl she’d ever been with. In her heart of hearts, she knew that much.
How did she get here? It had all started out so innocently. Okay, not entirely, as they’d had sex on the first date. The worry crept in, the fear that she was no longer in control. She’d be heading home soon, and these would all be just memories to pull out on occasion when she went one way and Autumn went another. As difficult as that pill was to swallow, she realized how important it was to remind herself of their reality. She’d continue to see Autumn, but she’d have to find a way to guard her heart.
It was the only way.
For now, she pulled Autumn closer and refused to watch the clock as their time together ticked away, one important moment at a time.
* * *
Kate stood in the courtyard several days later, phone to her ear, shaking her head at what she was hearing. The bag of groceries she’d purchased sat abandoned on the pavement for the more important phone call. She’d been waiting on Jennifer from the DHS to get back to her, and at long last she had. The news wasn’t good.
“We have a foster home lined up for both Ren and Eva for a month. It’s temporary, yes, but it’s the best I could do.”
“They need a permanent situation,” Kate said, agitated at the thought of the kids, suitcases in hand, moving from one home to another because the adults involved couldn’t do any better for them. Unacceptable.
Jennifer sighed. “We’re on the same page here, Lieutenant. It’s just not easy, especially if we want to keep the siblings together.”
“Well, we do. We definitely do. Anything new from their mother?” She decided not to mention her own unsuccessful field trip to Santa Barbara. She was pretty sure that wouldn’t go over well.
“She’s stopped taking my calls,” Jennifer said. “I checked her out, and she’s been on the straight and narrow for a while now. Honestly, I think she’s overwhelmed by the prospect and running scared. I was hoping with time she’d come around, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. The last time we talked she pretty much told me to go to hell.”
Kate stared at the pavement, processing. “So, that makes the kids adoptable, right? If she’s essentially giving up her rights?”
A pause. “Why? Are you offering?”
“No.” Panic struck. “I didn’t mean me. I just meant…someone.”
“We can move to have her rights terminated. Once that happens, both children would be adoptable should the right person come along.”
“Yeah, well, the sooner the better. And, hey, Jennifer? I appreciate you keeping me in the loop. I know this isn’t exactly protocol. It’s probably the opposite, but I appreciate the favor.”
“As far as protocol goes, this isn’t an average case.”
“No, I guess not.”
They wrapped up the call, leaving Kate feeling like they were no closer to any sort of resolution. The guilt settled heavy and uncomfortable on her heart.
“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop,” Isabel said, turning in her spot on the outdoor couch.
How had Kate missed her sitting there?
“Sounds like you’re dealing with some pretty big stuff.”
Kate nodded soberly and stared at her phone. “A couple of kids I know lost their father in a fire.”
“One you worked?”
She looked up. Isabel’s eyes held startling sympathy, but not in the pitiful way everyone had looked at her back home. Kate nodded, and for reasons beyond her, it all came tumbling out. “It’s weighing on me like nothing I’ve ever experienced. It’s like I can’t get out from under that day. I think about it and play it back at all hours.” She placed her hand across her chest, realizing that, even in that moment, she was finding it hard to breathe.
Isabel nodded. “Wanna sit down?”
Because Kate didn’t know what else to do with herself, she did.
Isabel watched her and seemed to settle on a decision. “Here’s the deal. I don’t talk about this much, but I live with some pretty major anxiety. Panic attacks, whatever you want to call them. They can be crippling.” She held out a hand. “And if you’d rather not talk about it, I understand. Just tell me to shut the fuck up.”
“It’s fine.” Kate nodded. “I have trouble sleeping sometimes. The fire, all of it, replays in my head.”
“Been there.”
She decided to take advantage of this opportunity. “How do you get it to stop?”
Isabel raised her eyebrows and sighed. “Yeah, that part’s harder. Talking about it helps. I see someone once a month. It took me a while to bite the bullet and just do it, but it was the right thing. My therapist seems to think I’ve made progress, and the attacks hit less and less.”
Kate nodded. “My captain had the same recommendation. I don’t think I’m up for talking to some doctor.”
“Then maybe just someone you trust?”
“Yeah, maybe.” Only one person’s name came to mind. Everything lately seemed to bring her back to the same place. The same person. Autumn. The image of her smiling on their beach picnic flooded her with warmth, and something loosened. Maybe Isabel was onto something after all. “What are you working on?”
Isabel lifted the laptop next to her. “Second to last episode of the season is mine. Our ex-assassin has to figure out how to shuttle six second-graders to ballet, take down a serial killer before he can hurt anyone else, and figure out how to get the woman next door to notice her.”
Kate raised her eyebrows. “My kind of show.”
“Mine, too. I’m lucky to write for it,” Isabel said. “Hey, can I ask one last question?”
“Shoot.”
“I heard you mention adoption. Are you thinking you might take those kids?”
“No. It’s not even something I would consider. I can’t be someone’s parent. I live alone and eat frozen pizza. So that would be outrageous. I mean, it would be, right?”
Isabel smiled and offered a one-shouldered shrug. “You tell me.”
* * *
Autumn’s small house in West Hollywood wasn’t much, but it had character. She’d taken her own flair for funky design and made the intimate space come alive. At least for her. She wondered now what someone more conservative like Kate would think of her bright purple and green curtains.
They’d made plans to see a movie at the indie theater down the street, and Kate was scheduled to arrive shortly. Would the vintage Italian movie posters throw her? Or the dark gray walls and restored wiry chandelier that hung over the recovered sectional? She ran her bare foot across the furry grape rug beneath the coffee table, which itself looked like several planks of wood, one rotating on top of the next. When she’d bought it, she knew the coffee table would be the cornerstone piece to her home. She hadn’t been wrong. Friends commented on it constantly.
Still. Looking at it through new eyes—Kate’s—had her aware of her own unique style.
Three short, sharp knocks on the door killed the thought. She glanced at the clock with Tweety Bird in the center pointing at the time and took note that Kate was early. This was no surprise. She was Kate, the epitome of precision and confidence. She was probably early everywhere she went and super calm about it. No big deal. I’m just early and looking hot on your doorstep. Autumn shook herself out of the daydream, swung open the door, and grinned that it had become her real life. “Welcome to my place.”
“Hey,” Kate said, smiling back at her. She produced a bottle from behind her back. “I brought you wine. I feel like it’s what you do when you come to someone’s house.”
“Not necessary, but thank you. You’re very thoughtful. Come in. I’ll give you the tour while we have a glass before the movie.” As Kate walked past her into her home, Autumn realized there was something different about her tonight. Her dark hair was pulled back, but only partially this time, leaving the sides to fall along her face, past her shoulders. It added a whole new softness that had Autumn off guard and, okay, let’s be honest: salivating a little. Kate was just as beautiful as ever. Tough and soft at the same time.
“Look at this place,” Kate said, as she took in the room.
“Is that a ‘look how crazy this place is. What is Autumn thinking?’ Or ‘look how awesome—Autumn is a freakin’ genius’? ’Cuz that could go a lot of ways.”
“Look how you it is,” Kate said, moving toward her. “I love it. My place back home has a few white walls, a couch, and a bed.”
“I have a feeling you prevaricate.”
“Can’t prevaricate. Don’t know what that is.” But she smiled, and Autumn knew it was her own brand of humor.
Autumn handed Kate a glass of the Malbec she’d brought. “And how was your day?” They hadn’t seen each other since the day before. Kate had stopped in for coffee earlier, but Autumn had been meeting with a vendor and they hadn’t connected. “Different. I talked to the social worker back home.”
“About the kids?”
Kate nodded. “Still no home for them. It was strange. For a minute, the social worker thought I was volunteering to adopt them.”
“Huh,” Autumn said, sipping from her glass. The look on Kate’s face, the thoughtful eyes, the drawn-in brows had Autumn wondering if there was something to this. Kate, after all, had a big heart. The thought made her spirits dip, and she hated herself for how selfish that made her. “Is that something you’re considering?”
Kate shook her head. “I’m the last person who should take them. I don’t know anything about kids, plus my head’s a mess.”
Autumn nodded. “That’s fair.” She waited a moment before deciding to press further. As much as she didn’t want to give Kate a reason to head home, she understood that she would be leaving. One day soon even, and maybe this was something Kate needed to talk through with someone. She could help with that. “Doesn’t mean you couldn’t learn, you know.”
“Such a huge responsibility,” Kate said, shaking her head emphatically. She walked toward a painting of a woman pulling on a pair of stockings and stared. With her back to Autumn, it was hard for her to tell what Kate was thinking, what she was feeling. She knew, regardless, that it must be a lot for her to bring the topic up to begin with. “I mean, there’s school, and friends, and things like bath time.”
Autumn walked to her. “You wouldn’t have to do all those things at once. That’d be weird.” Please don’t leave.
That pulled a smile. “I just…I don’t think it’s the right move.”
A portion of Autumn sighed in relief. “And no one faults you for that.” But Kate seemed unsettled, and Autumn wondered if maybe their movie date should wait. “Would you rather just chill here tonight? Relax?”
Kate turned to her tentatively. “That would be okay with you? I know you wanted to see the film.”
Autumn took her hand. “I’m about to divulge a secret here.”
“Okay,” Kate said, eying her.
“I really just wanted to spend time with you.” By the end of that sentence, Kate’s tightly knitted brow relaxed, and she seemed more at ease. “Plus, I’m kind of a homebody.”
She lifted their hands and intertwined their fingers. “What should we do?” She looked around for options. “I don’t suppose you have Ms. Pac-Man.”
Autumn laughed. “I absolutely do not have Ms. Pac-Man and never will. She’s banned from this house. But I’m a pretty formidable board game shark.”
“I’d play a board game with you,” Kate said, meeting her eyes.
How was she able to make everything seem earnest and sexy? “Great. Scrabble it is.”
“Uh-oh. We’ve already established you’re better with words. You use like eight times what I do in a day.”
“Which is why we’re playing,” Autumn said, energized now, her competitive spirit kicked into gear. “It’ll be fantastic. We’ll drink beer, and listen to music, and I’ll win. Best. Night. Ever.”
But it didn’t quite go that way. An hour later, Kate had her by eighty-three points. Not only that, but she was purposefully turning Scrabble into an R-rated exercise. After she’d laid down “passion,” “pleasure,” “breasts,” and “grind.” Autumn passed her a look, doing her best not to indicate that the succession of words had affected her in the slightest. Her temperature hadn’t at all risen steadily as the night went on. She hadn’t once fantasized about easing that black T-shirt over Kate’s head and having her delicious way with her. She certainly hadn’t adjusted in her chair due to any sort of discomfort when Kate had played the word “thrust.” But enough was enough!
“Quickie?” Autumn asked, staring at the board, incredulous. “You’re playing ‘quickie’ on a triple word?”
“I am,” Kate said calmly, looking pleased with herself. “Q comes with ten points, apparently. Strategic, right?”
Autumn leaned forward. “I don’t even think that’s a real word.”
“Quickies are real,” Kate said, meeting her eyes in all seriousness. “Are you arguing that quickies aren’t real? Or maybe it’s that you think they’re not important?” Kate sat back and folded her arms. “I’m surprised at you.”
“No, they’re important, it’s just—I can’t even believe I’m having this conversation! This is madness. You’re hijacking this game.”
“Am not. But I can play ‘climax’ if you’d rather. X’s are eight points.”
“Don’t you dare,” Autumn said, in a deadly tone, the pent-up energy almost too much to manage.
“I’m just kidding. I don’t even have an X.”
That did it. Autumn was up and around the table and straddling Kate’s lap in a matter of seconds. Her lips landed eagerly on Kate’s, who didn’t hesitate to give back as good as she got. “Is this a quickie?” Kate asked.
“Shut up.”
With Stevie Wonder playing softly in the background, Autumn fulfilled that most imminent desire and removed that T-shirt, happy to greet the black bra and tops of breasts beneath. Her mouth moved to them. Hungry now. She licked, kissed, and lost herself in a haze of overwhelming lust. Cupping Kate’s face in her hands, she looked down at her.
“We’re right back here again.”
“Always.” Kate nodded, breathless. “Bedroom?”
“Bedroom,” Autumn said with zero hesitation.
Once there, Autumn took the reins. She marveled at how free she felt, how in control. When she and Kate were together, she wasn’t worried about how she looked, or moved, or performed—the way she so often had with Olivia. With Kate, she could just…be. They didn’t need the foreplay, the buildup, this go-round. After removing the necessary clothing, Autumn climbed on top and with a hand between them, slid inside Kate with one fluid motion, pulling a sharp moan. She did it again, and closed her eyes at the heat that enveloped her hand, the way Kate angled herself for more and moved her hips. Her breathing turned ragged, and Autumn felt a little drunk with arousal herself. She kissed her as Kate trembled, their connection unbroken. Kate said her name quietly as Autumn continued to move in and out slowly and then not so slowly until they’d reached the precipice, the release imminent. Shuddering in Autumn’s arms, Kate tumbled spectacularly, clutching Autumn’s shoulders and moving her hips against the pleasurable payoff.
Autumn’s phone buzzed on the nightstand, but Kate had her total attention.
“Climax,” Autumn said. “C. L. I. M. A. X. Climax.”
Kate tossed an embarrassed arm over her eyes. “I deserved that. Not that I’m complaining.” The phone buzzed again. “Is that real buzzing or just the fog I’m in?”
“Real, but—” The doorbell sounded. Autumn glanced behind her. “What the hell?” She grabbed her phone and checked the readout. “No, no, no.”
“What’s wrong?”
Autumn looked down at Kate, still beneath her. “It’s Vicky. She’s outside.”
“Your mom?”
“My mom. And she’s not the type to go away. Ever. She’ll park herself on that doorstep until she gets whatever it is she came here for.”
Kate’s eyes went wide. “I’m about to meet your mother, seconds after you, her daughter, just…I don’t even have the right word. Mind isn’t working yet.” She blinked several times. “How am I supposed to—”
Autumn leapt into action just as the doorbell sounded again. “Step one. Get dressed.” Autumn started the process. “And meet me out there.” She hopped into the living room on one leg, pulling on her jeans.
“Vicky, what in the world?” she asked upon answering the door. “It’s after ten.”
Her mother looked wide-eyed and hurt. “You’re pregnant? My daughter is pregnant and she didn’t even tell me?” Vicky didn’t wait for an invitation and breezed into Autumn’s living room, depositing her designer handbag on the couch.
Autumn squinted and turned. “Not pregnant. Who told you that?”
“That quirky counter boy at the coffee shop. I stopped in to see you because I needed a favor.” She’d noticed several texts from Steve as she’d glanced at her phone. He’d probably been sending up warning flares.
“And he announced, inaccurately, that I was pregnant? Not really seeing how that happens on its own.” She glanced toward the hallway and saw Kate standing there, looking hesitant.
“He mentioned you had a doctor’s appointment and I pried it out of him. Do you have Chardonnay?” Vicky asked, taking a seat. Only she didn’t seem too steady and had probably already had one of those.
“Vicky, I want to introduce you to Kate.”
“What?” Vicky said, placing a hand over her chest. Her eyes scanned the room until they landed on Kate in the entryway. “You have late-night company. A booty call?”
Autumn cringed. “Not at all that.”
“Nice to meet you, Ms. Primm,” Kate said politely.
“Sweetheart, call me Vicky.” She pointed at Kate. “Your shirt is on inside out.”
Autumn watched Kate’s face shift to the color of a ripe tomato.
Vicky waved it off. “Happens to the best of us. About that Chardonnay?”
“All out, I’m afraid.” Autumn held up her palms apologetically—anything to get her mother to go home and not say anything else too embarrassing.
“What about the pregnancy? My grandchild.” Vicky leaned forward. “Is it Steve’s?”
Autumn closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “No. That would be impossible. But while we’re on the topic,” she glanced at Kate, who offered a supportive smile, “I am trying to get pregnant. That part is true.”
Vicky pointed at Kate. “I don’t really see her getting the job done.”
Autumn wanted to die. “A donor, Vicky. I’m using a donor.”
She sat back, brow in a knit. “Isn’t that expensive?”
“I have a small savings, and this is an important step in my life.”
“Seems like a waste of cash when you could just meet a nice man and spend a lovely afternoon together. Get that job done for free.” She whistled and punched her fist in the air.
Autumn wasn’t shocked that Vicky missed the main idea or that she once again couldn’t understand how Autumn wouldn’t want to hoodwink some poor guy into knocking her up. Par for the course, all of it. But couldn’t she at least be happy for Autumn? For once?
“You know what? It’s pretty late,” Autumn said. “Can we talk about this another time?” Of course, Autumn knew the likelihood of hearing from Vicky anytime soon would depend wholly on what she needed from Autumn.
“I took a cab here,” Vicky said. She picked up her bag and rooted around inside. “But I’m not sure that I—”
“Here,” Autumn said, pulling forty dollars from her wallet. She wasn’t an idiot. She knew what was up. “All yours.”
That seemed to appease Vicky. She turned to Kate. “It was nice meeting you. What was your name?”
“Kate.”
“Kate,” she repeated, then laughed. “That shirt. Are you dating my daughter? Is this who you’re dating, Autumn? She’s pretty.”
Kate opened her mouth, but Autumn beat her there. “We’re friends.”
“If you say so…”
Autumn waited on the porch with Vicky until the cab arrived, feeling like the evening had taken a definite hit. She made her way back inside and found Kate sitting on the side of her bed.
She glanced up as Autumn entered. “I’m sorry she wasn’t more supportive.”
“S’okay,” Autumn said. “Nothing new. I’m sorry she interrupted our evening. I’m also sorry she wasn’t nicer to you. If I had to guess, she’d already had a Chardonnay or two before arriving. Vicky loves a good white wine.”
“Don’t worry about me.”
“But I do.” They stared at each other until Kate finally nodded and kissed the back of Autumn’s hand.
“Want to sleep over?” she asked, touching Kate’s cheek. Maybe after everything, Kate would just want to get the hell out of there.
“I’d like that,” Kate said, touching her chin. “And I like you.”
“I like you, too,” Autumn said. Her heart soared and she kissed Kate softly, then lingered just beyond her mouth before pulling away. “Even though you hustled me hardcore at Scrabble.”
“Did not,” Kate said, pulling Autumn into bed with her. “I just happen to be a quick study.”
“Oh? So that’s why, when I think sex with you can’t get any better, it does?” Autumn asked. “That’s a huge compliment, by the way.”
“I try to pay attention.” The little strip of moonlight that slashed across the bed allowed Autumn to see Kate’s very telling blush, and she happened to love it.
They didn’t name it, what was happening between them, but as the days passed, the bond between them only grew. Somehow applying a label felt too permanent, like naming the lost dog you knew would eventually go back to his owners. Instead, they soaked up the time together. Kate stopped by Pajamas once, sometimes twice a day, and Autumn popped over to Kate’s during her down time. They chatted about their days, the things that weighed heavily on their minds. For Autumn, her fear that her child would one day grow up to feel that Autumn was a burden in her life, like Vicky. For Kate, the hovering concern that she’d somehow lost a part of herself the day of the fire. It was something she talked about openly now, which only brought them closer.
“I’m not reliving it as much, which is progress. But there’s still this cloud that follows me, you know?” They were cozy on Kate’s couch one afternoon, Autumn’s legs across Kate’s lap, Kate’s arms wrapped around them.
“It’s going to take time,” Autumn said, stroking the back of Kate’s neck. “But I already notice a change in you. You’re less, I don’t know, pent up. You talk about it now, and that has to act as some kind of release.”
“Because you make it easy,” Kate said, meeting her gaze and not letting go. “I’ve never talked to anyone the way I talk to you. You seem to just…get me.”
Autumn sat up a little straighter, needing to deviate from the conversation briefly, because the way Kate was looking at her was everything. The way she always looked at her. “Where did you learn this type of eye contact, anyway?” Autumn asked. “It’s like you see straight through me. It’s…intense.”
“What are you talking about?” Kate asked, her eyes widening playfully as she moved her face closer to Autumn.
“That’s terrifying. Stop that,” Autumn said, holding up a finger and backing away.
“Can’t,” she said, making them even wider.
“That’s not dreamy, like usual. Bring back the dreamy stare! You’re trying to scare me!” She scrambled from the couch and raced across the room, only Kate had shaped her hand into a hook, crossed her eyes, and wandered toward Autumn like a pirate zombie on a mission.
“What? I don’t see the problem,” Kate said, her voice nonchalant.
“I don’t watch horror movies for a reason, Kate! Ahhh!” She shrieked and ran out of the apartment, laughing the whole time, Kate fast on her heels. Once she hit the middle of the courtyard, Kate closed the distance, catching her by the waist, lifting her, and turning her in a circle.
“Captured for all time by the monster maniac eye-contact commandant.”
“That’s an awful name,” Autumn said, locking her arms around Kate’s neck as she was lowered to the ground. “Doesn’t fall trippingly off the tongue at all.”
“I’ll work on it.”
“But you’re looking hot in the aftermath of the attack. That’s something.”
“Hot?” she smoldered purposefully. “So I should chase you out of the apartment more often?”
“I’m just saying the reunion is a perk.”
Kate leaned down for a kiss and was greeted by the sound of applause. They turned to see Hadley and Gia hanging over the second-floor railing. “I give that a nine out of ten,” Gia said, in her best commentator voice.
“And I’m going with an eight, Gia, just because her feet were flat on that lift.”
“Good call,” Gia said.
“Robbed,” Kate said under her breath, pulling a chuckle from Autumn. “My feet were perfectly arched.”
“Hey! Anyone want to go out for Mexican food?” Gia called down. “Had’s already in.”
“Hell, yes,” Autumn said, and turned to Kate, who grinned.
“If you’re there, I’m there.”
With Kate around, time seemed to slow down for Autumn in the most wonderful way. Days no longer blurred into other days but held unique meaning. They laughed together, read books, or sat in the courtyard under the stars trying to figure out what the universe all meant.
“So, Gia and Izzy do this thing where they have to choose between two awful things. I think we should try it. Just maybe not the awful part.” It was after closing, and they sat on the tailgate of Kate’s truck sipping the chocolate milkshakes Kate had surprised Autumn with. Never before had the end of a workday looked so good. It was really nice to be thought of.
“Like roses or lilies?” Kate asked, licking her spoon.
Autumn paused a moment to watch the potent display, a welcome shiver moving through her. “Or Star Trek or Star Wars?”
Kate eyed her. “Is there even a question? If you say yes, my heart will splinter.”
Autumn gestured wildly with her cup. “Now, that is the most dramatic thing I’ve ever heard you say, so the answer must be Star Wars. You people are unreasonable about your franchise love.”
Kate hopped off the tailgate and faced Autumn in outrage. “You people? You people? You don’t know the sacred ground you’re treading.”
“The Force is strong with me as well. Calm down there, sweetheart.”
Kate grinned. “Authoritative. My turn. Winning the lottery or hired for your dream job?”
“Dream job. No question. I’d be the best mermaid this town has ever seen.”
Kate choked on her milkshake and placed a hand on her chest. “Only you.”
A pause hit as their quiet laughter came to a lull. The night air brushed gently across Autumn’s skin and she took a breath. “I postponed the insemination another month.”
That seemed to throw Kate. “You did? Why?”
She searched for the words to explain that she was in the middle of something important already, and if it was fleeting, well, she wanted to be able to drink in every moment of it. Kate had become that important to her. “There will be time for that soon. Right now, I’m just enjoying…right now.” And refusing to think too much about the day creeping up when it would all be just a distant memory, that one time when a wonderful woman showed up and made life meaningful for the first time.
Kate placed a hand on Autumn’s leg. “Hey, you don’t have to do that for me.”
She ran her hand across Kate’s. “I’m doing it for me. It’s what I want.”
Kate nodded. “If that’s true, I can accept that.”
“It is.”
The summer crickets chirped, and Kate stared down at their hands. “We’re constantly touching each other. Have you ever noticed that?”
“Yep. It’s one of my favorite things about us.”
“Us,” Kate said, repeating the word. She looked uncomfortable.
“Don’t freak out,” Autumn said, gently. “It’s a casual term. I’m a pretty astute girl, Kate.”
“Do you believe in forever and ever?” Kate asked. “All of that?”
Autumn considered the question. “I’d like to. Hadley would immediately say yes. But yeah, I think that I do. What about you?”
Kate stared off into the night. “It’s a nice idea. But maybe it’s just that.”
The sentiment hurt, whether Autumn wanted it to or not. She pushed off the truck and walked a few feet across the gravel.
“Does that upset you?” Kate asked. “That I don’t buy into it. Fairy tales are fun, but they’re fairy tales.”
“I don’t know,” Autumn said, wrapping her arms around herself and wishing away the weakness. “Maybe.”
She heard Kate sigh behind her, and the weight of their reality settled. They didn’t say much after that, each alone with her own thoughts. Autumn wanted nothing more than to push them out of it and regain the lighthearted evening that had started with surprise milkshakes. The words to do so caught in her throat.
Instead, they sat there. Awkward. Uncomfortable. Tense.
Kate broke the silence. “I’ve been thinking about the kids a lot. About Ren and Eva.”
“Oh yeah?”
“All this time, I’ve struggled with the fire. The pointlessness of all of it. But maybe there was a larger reason in the end. Maybe the fire was meant to bring me to those kids.”
“I think it’s a definite possibility, Kate.”
“I think I want to adopt them, which means I need to go back.”
Autumn turned, surprised by the declaration. “Wow. Okay.” Another long pause as she tried to find the words. “I did not see that coming.”
“No, I didn’t either.” Kate ran a hand through her hair.
“When did you decide this?”
Kate stared at her. “I think I’ve known for about a week.”
Autumn shook her head hopelessly. The glow of what had been such a nice night subsided. “And you didn’t say anything? Didn’t clue me in? Believe it or not, I have some stake in what you decide to do, you know.”
Kate took a moment. “I don’t want to hurt you, Autumn.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t think there’s any way around that, and I’m sorry for being that girl.” She tried to keep an element of calm present in her voice, but lost that battle. The emotions she was juggling were too strong. “We laid out the rules, and now I’m trying to change them on you without notice and hold all this against you. That’s not who I want to be, but it’s like I’m too far in and can’t help it.”
“You’re mad.” Kate seemed to be working the puzzle. “I get that.”
“How could I be mad? You’re doing something noble and wonderful. But I guess, at the same time, I wondered if what we had was enough to make you want to stay. It was stupid, and foolish, and self-motivated, but that’s what part of me hoped for. There. I said it.”
Kate’s gaze took on a removed, distant quality that she hadn’t seen from her in a while. “I don’t think I can be who you want me to be. I never intended for things to go this far.”
“I know,” Autumn nodded sadly, an uncomfortable lump in her throat. “Fairy tales aren’t real. I remember.”