Nina’s is an old mom and pop type place on the corner. It’s a little Italian restaurant on Fourth Street, small and right on the edge of the rough part of town, but it’s where we used to go on Fridays. They had five dollar pizzas and dollar drinks. It was cheap and a habit we got into.

It’s also where we were when it started. It has to be there for the start because that’s when I decided to be an idiot. Really, I just wanted to piss him off. I think that’s what kids do when they’re in love and hurt. They hurt back. I know better now, or at least, I like to pretend I do. But back then, I just wanted him to regret throwing away what we had. It was foolish and it’s why I think it was all my fault.

“I want to tell my parents,” I tell him again. I swear, he’s ignoring me and it’s pissing me off. He knows how important this is to me. It’s eating me alive.

We had sex. We’ve really been having sex regularly. Every time I see him. Every fight we get into. All I want to do is kiss him and then more.

Last night was my breaking point. I sneaked out and met Nathan at the corner store. He didn’t hesitate to buy the box of condoms, even with me standing right there. I held his one hand with both of mine and I tried to pretend it was okay, but it wasn’t.

Miss Andrews was at the register and she knows my mother by first name. I don’t want my parents to find out because of someone else. Instead of bringing it up last night, we fought about him buying the condoms and then used them in the back seat of his car.

Some backbone I have.

I have to admit, I like it though. I like people knowing. I like him having me whenever he wants. Wherever he wants. Even if that makes me dirty. But I don’t want people to think of me that way and definitely not my parents. I can’t have them finding out from someone else.

“Then tell them,” he answers me, but he doesn’t elaborate.

“Are you coming with me?” I ask him. I don’t want to do it alone. I’m practically terrified. I think they know though, but I’m not sure.

“Fuck, no,” Nathan says and looks back at me like I’m crazy.

“Well, I don’t want to do it alone.” I try not to raise my voice, but I do. It makes my heart beat faster thinking someone heard. I look over my shoulder from our booth in the corner but no one’s looking at us. The only other people in here are a few guys who just got off work at the steel mill, or maybe they’re on their break, I don’t know. But they’re all in the opposite booth and the one right next to it. Dirty boots and the thick jackets with Stanley’s Steel give away who they are.

“You don’t need me there,” Nathan says and then wipes off the pizza sauce from his hand with the thin napkin. He balls up the napkin as I answer, “I do. I want you there,” I try to put as much sincerity as I can into my tone.

“That’s not happening,” he tells me as though it’s final.

“Because you don’t want to and what I want doesn’t matter?” I ask him with nothing but venom.

“I can’t deal with this right now,” Nathan tells me, brushing me off. He makes me feel like I’m the crazy one.

“Is it that big of a deal to be by my side when I tell them?” I ask him desperately. Nathan looks at me for a moment like he’s considering what to say, but then he just looks out of the window as a car passes, completely distracted and not actually participating. That’s all I want, is it that unreasonable?

“So what?” I ask him, throwing my hands into the air and leaning back against the booth. The cheap vinyl squeaks and protests. I hate this little restaurant. The tables are cheap; the flooring is peeling.

“So, drop it.”

I flinch at his blunt response. I don’t like living like this, feeling as though I’m lying.

“They don’t even know we’re dating, let alone how serious it is,” I tell him as if it’s a confession. It really is, for me. I feel guilty and just want it off my chest.

“Is it really that serious?” he asks me like I’m being dramatic.

I sit there dumbfounded, falling back into my seat as my blood turns cold. I try to clear my throat, but it’s dry so I pick up the plastic cup of Coke and take a sip and then another, staring out of the large bay window and watching the cars drive by too. I ignore the pain in my chest and the way my eyes sting.

We’re over. I won’t give myself to someone who won’t do the same in return.

But I already have, and that’s the part that hurts the most. Young and dumb, puppy love. Whatever it’s called, it’s a brutal bitch.

* * *

It was a similar breakup like so many that we’d gone through. At the time, it felt like the worst thing imaginable. Like he’d taken my heart and torn it to shreds and didn’t give a damn about it.

So I stormed off. Determined to piss him off and get under his skin like he’d gotten under mine.

I went down Rodney Street, making sure to take the first few streets I’d normally walk on the way to my house. Just in case Nathan was watching. And then I went left, down his street. Into his territory.

I remember gritting my teeth and feeling so vindicated. He didn’t want to date me, fine. He wasn’t going to tell me what to do then.

I was in my boots and a flimsy sweater, not nearly warm enough for the weather and I cursed Nathan under my breath, not bothering to look where I was going or to notice how the people on the streets were disappearing, leaving the sidewalks vacant.

I looked up to see a street light flicker, the only one that was lit on that side of the street.

And then it happened. Chills cover my arms as I remember.

His hands were cold and rough as he pulled me just inside the alley. My heart slammed as I screamed out in surprise. His breath smelled like cigarettes. I tried to get away, I scrapped and screamed again, but I didn’t have to try hard.

It was over so quickly. That’s the part that’s so utterly shocking. It only took one motion, one swift pull and shove from Nathan. The man flew back as Nathan ripped him away, tearing his fingers from under my sweater, his dirty nails scratching my skin as he was torn away.

I can hear a cry, my shrill scream from the terror I hadn’t realized was over. And then a crack. The sound is so pure in my head. A skull crashing against the sharp corner of a dumpster.

Crack.

It silenced me. It made the chaos go still. Somehow, deep inside, I knew it was all over from that sound. As if it were deeply embedded in me to know that it’s the sound that comes with immediate death.

So many questions rushed me. I kept wondering if it was real. Did it really happen?

Nathan dragged me down the street as I barely managed to keep up with him. Dragging me by the arm and asking me over and over if I was okay. Physically, I was fine, emotionally I was shaken, but I couldn’t answer him.

Maybe I was in shock. I don’t know, but when we stopped in front of the liquor store I stumbled and tried to figure out why we were here.

“The cops are coming,” he told me.

My voice was caught in my throat. “Say something!” Nathan screamed as he shook me and although my memory is biased, I swear I saw fear.

“He’s dead?” The words somehow slipped out.

Nathan stared at me as the realization dawned on me.

“They’ll never know you had anything to do with it,” he told me and then he let go of my hand. He ran a hand down the side of my face and now I know he was saying goodbye, one last touch, but I didn’t understand it back then. I tried to hold his hand as he lowered it, but he pulled it away.

“You need to leave, Hally.”

I stared up at him, dumbfounded and unsteady.

But the man was dead, the cops were here and I was looking into the cold eyes of the boy I loved so much, I’d never felt more alone and guilty in my entire life.