I never dared to dream I could have her again. Not after I was so cold to her and distanced myself so completely. And now all I can see is her slowly slipping away from me after the way she acted in that meeting.

Our strides are in unison as we walk towards her dressing room, but I grab her hand in mine and keep moving, and she follows me. Just that acknowledgement is enough for me to wrap my arm around her waist, bringing her closer to me and holding her right where she belongs.

Next to me.

I had my reason for killing that piece of shit already in place. The dumb fuck tried to mug me and I didn’t mean to kill him. I’m pretty sure I’d still serve time, even as a youth, but she had nothing to do with it and I would never let her get caught up in the shit life I led.

It was the only way I saw her getting away from it. She had to get away from me.

I open the dressing room door in a swift moment and wait for Hally before I step in, closing the door and locking it immediately.

I need to hold her, comfort her, hear whatever she’s thinking. I tell myself that as I stare at the doorknob and prepare to turn around and face her.

I’m guilt-ridden all over again and I know the easy thing to do is just leave. But there’s no good that can come from that. Back then, it made sense to a stupid boy who was scared but didn’t want someone he loved to go down with him.

Times have changed and I need to make it right but I don’t know how. How could she ever forgive me?

“Is it just for the cameras?” Hally asks me. The chair to the desk rocks on its front legs as she pushes it slightly from the back. She doesn’t look me in the eyes as she clenches her jaw, waiting for an answer.

“What are you talking about?” I ask her out of pure shock. That’s not at all what I expected to come out of her mouth. I approach her slowly, but she squares her shoulders and looks back at me defensively.

“You said today, you’d do it to get them off your back,” she says again, not looking at me, and instead, looking at the door. My heartbeat picks up. It’s just like before. A massive fight over nothing and then she’ll run. I can feel it coming.

“Our back,” I tell her and finally she looks up at me but it’s with daggers.

“You said yours,” she says as her nostrils flare.

“I’m used to being alone,” I answer her. “It was a-” she cuts me off right before the word ‘mistake’.

“Is that what you want?”

“If I wanted to be alone, I would be,” I tell her with a deathly low voice and take a chance moving closer to her. She backs away slightly, like my touch would burn her so I stop short. Hating that she’s doing this.

“You know what I mean,” she says. “Do you want me or do you just want to fuck and smile for the cameras?” she says again and then adds, “you didn’t answer me.” She scoffs and then looks at the ceiling. “I guess that should tell me the answer right there. She’s trying to play it off like she’s foolish, but the pain causes her eyes to go glassy with tears.

How could she even question that? “I want you,” I tell her simply. Hoping she’ll drop the entire conversation and this agenda to end what’s between us.

“So you really want to be with me?” she asks me like she doesn’t believe me.

“Yes!” I yell louder than I should. If anyone is just outside the door, I know they can hear. I lower my voice. “Of course, I want you.” The words leave my lips and they’re the truest and purest I’ve ever spoken.

“Then why didn’t you say that. Why not just tell the truth?”

“What truth?” I ask her dumbfounded.

“Today!” she yells not caring in the least about anyone listening. “You could have told them we were together. You could have told them anything and instead, you just left me there… alone.”

“Where the hell are you getting this from?” I don’t understand why this is even a conversation between us. I can’t stand it. I ask the one question that matters. The one we should be discussing. “What are you afraid of, Hally?” I yell it out so loud it burns my throat, making it feel raw and dry.

“Of you,” she says so low, her shoulders hunching slightly as her composure crumbles.

My body’s still, in disbelief.

“Because you’re going to hurt me,” she says and slowly I regain my sense of control. I would never hurt her in any way. Ever. She has to know that. This is just bullshit she’s spewing to push me away.

“I would never-”

“You left me,” she whispers. “And it still hurts.”

“I didn’t ever want to hurt you,” I tell her. “You have to know that.”

“I don’t know that,” she tells me, her eyes brimming with sincerity. “I needed someone,” she whispers her choked words. “I still need someone.”

“I’m right here, you can tell me anything,” I say and my words are desperate. “Whatever you need to tell me, I’m here.”

Tears leak down her cheeks and she wipes them away angrily. Like she’s ashamed to have them show. “I don’t know what to say; I don’t know what I need.” Her head shakes chaotically and I pray she just gives me something that I can work with. A single thread to hold onto.

“Just tell me what’s on your mind.”

“What if it’s just too late?” she asks me, not quite a question and more of an accusation. One well-earned on my part.

“It’s not,” I tell her with complete sincerity. I can’t turn back time, but it can’t be too late. Every moment I have to live is a moment I can try to make it right. I just don’t know how.

“What happens after filming is over?” she asks me. “That’s a question,” she says like she has me cornered. I could play dumb and avoid the conversation, or bring up the fact that we’ll both be asked back next year so long as the ratings are what they should be. But I know what she’s referring to and I don’t have an answer for her.

“I don’t know, Hally.” I’m slow with my words, careful. My head is spinning and I don’t know what she wants to hear.

“I need something, Nathan.” My mouth hangs open a moment and then I slam it shut.

I almost ask her what she wants, I’d give it to her, whatever it is. But she doesn’t give me the chance.

“I loved you,” she says with pain as if it’s a sin to say the words.

Loved. As in past tense.

My blood goes cold and I wait for whatever she’s going to say next. How she’ll throw it in my face that I never loved her back. I know it’s coming. I’ll take it. I swallow the lump in my throat, staring back at her and waiting for the assault.

She can berate me, hate me, blame me, whatever she needs so long as she doesn’t leave.

As if she’s heard my thoughts, as if knowing what would hurt me most, she pulls herself together enough to look me in the eyes.

“I have to go,” Hally utters her words hurriedly, stepping around me and my first instinct is to cage her in. One palm against the wall and her chest to mine, I do it.

“Don’t,” I tell her, gritting my teeth and forcing the word out. She looks me in the eyes and moves under my arm. My body’s frozen in place. I can’t keep her here. I can’t hold her against her will.

“Don’t leave, Hally,” I tell her with as much strength as I can manage.

“I need time to think about it all. I just can’t-” she starts to say and then Hally pushes past me and as I try to grab her hand she rips herself away from me.

She doesn’t finish her thought; she doesn’t say goodbye. She just leaves me alone and it’s the worst feeling in the world.

It’s the feeling that I shouldn’t go after her.

The feeling that I never deserved her.

The feeling that she’s not going to come back.

“She will,” I mutter beneath my breath. She’s just scared. But she’ll come back. Or I’ll go get her. One way or the other, I’m not letting her get away from me again.