I couldn’t do this. I didn’t want to do it.

I thought sleeping with her in Texas would get her out of my system. That once I had her while knowing it was her, I wouldn’t want her anymore. I’d never wanted any woman for more than a single night. Two nights in a row, falling asleep next to her. Both things I hadn’t done before. That should have been it.

But it wasn’t enough. From the moment I suggested she stay with me, I’d known I would have to face the truth of the matter sometime. I did want her to be safe and being on the roads right now definitely wasn’t safe, but my desires were far less unselfish than they should have been.

Now, she was asking me to tell her about the BDSM world because she might want to explore it. We were back in Atlanta, which should have meant we had returned to intern and supervisor, but that wasn’t the sort of things colleagues should discuss. And what I was thinking definitely wasn’t something that fit into the roles we were supposed to be filling.

Damn it all to hell.

I stood and pulled her to her feet. “If I’m going to teach you, it’ll be easier with visual aids.”

She gave me a strange look. “We’re not going to watch porn together, are we?”

I laughed. “No, Little Red, I’m going to take you to my playroom.”

The nickname slipped out. I wasn’t entirely sure where it had come from before, but she hadn’t protested it, and now it looked like it was going to stick.

“Your playroom.” The words were faint, and I could see trepidation on her face.

“Relax,” I said with a smile. “Visual aids only.”

Unless she wanted a more…hands-on approach. I wouldn’t be able to refuse her if she asked for practical applications.

I led her down the hall to the room across from my bedroom. My apartment wasn’t large, but the second bedroom was almost as big as the first, and over the years since I’d moved in, I’d filled it with all my favorite toys. I rarely ever brought women back here, which meant I hadn’t had the opportunity to use it much, but it wasn’t until now that I thought to ask why I’d spent the money when I didn’t have a regular sub.

Maybe it was time to change that.

I glanced at Addison as I opened the door, but she looked relaxed and curious. What would she do, I wondered, if I posed the question? She seemed open to the lifestyle, and I already knew we were sexually compatible. Hell, we were sexually explosive. And being with her was easy. If only we didn’t work together. But I was starting to think that perhaps the two of us could separate work from pleasure.

“Within the BDSM world, there are many different facets,” I explained. “Exhibitionists, voyeurs, sadists, masochists, dominants, submissives, and switches.”

“Switches?”

“Some people like to both dominate and sub.” When she gave me a look, I shook my head. “I like my control too much to sub.”

“Not surprising,” she said with a smile. “I like being in control, but there’s something appealing about not having to be the one making all the decisions. It lets me empty my head.”

I’d wondered if submitting all the time would be a problem for her, but apparently not.

I walked over to the wall where a variety of scarves and ropes and cuffs hung. “I like bondage. Controlling how much the sub can move.”

“I remember.” Her lips parted as her breathing increased. “The belt.”

“Restraining a sub makes it possible to push limits beyond what a sub might think they can handle. Seeing how long I can keep a sub on the edge without coming. Or the opposite, making a sub come so many times that the pleasure borders on pain.”

She swallowed hard, her tongue darting out to wet her bottom lip.

“I’m not into the typical forms of punishment,” I continued my explanation but took a step toward her rather than going over to the small dresser that held more of my toys. “I have a flogger, but that’s it, and I rarely do anything more than a mild spanking.”

She nodded. “I like that. I don’t think I’d want to be whipped or anything like that.” Her gaze dropped to my hands. “But a spanking…”

My jeans instantly became too tight.

“What else?” she asked softly.

“Also along the pain line, there’s various forms of sensation play. Ice, wax, feathers, and the like. Sometimes I use them, but I don’t generally go to the extreme with any of them.”

Addison took a step toward me, and I felt like the temperature went up ten degrees.

“Then you have some other toys. Dildos, butt plugs, anal beads, gag balls.” I listed off a few. “I don’t really use the gag too much, but the others are quite useful when it comes to orgasm denial, or other sorts of…torture. That’s where I like to push limits.”

Her pupils were wide, with only thin slivers of pale green encircling them.

“I also like to use them for double penetration. I would never deny a sub that unique sensation, but I don’t share.”

“That’s good,” she said. “I wouldn’t want to be shared.”

“Any man who even considered sharing you would have to be the dumbest man alive.” I cupped her cheek, my thumb brushing the side of her mouth.

I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go back to the way things had been. Not knowing that someone else would take my place. Another man would truly teach her about the aspects of BDSM that appealed to her. He would be her first in other ways. He would get to hear her beg for release or sob when the sensations became too overwhelming.

And all I would have would be memories.

I was grateful for them, but I couldn’t let them be the only ones I’d ever have.

I had to ask. I’d accept her decision, but if I didn’t ask, I’d regret it.

“Little Red,” I deliberately used the nickname, “I have a…proposition for you.”

She reached up and trailed her fingers along my jaw. “Yes?”

“I know that we agreed that when we got back home, things would return to the way they had been, but now, I’m rethinking that decision.” I dropped my hand from her face and caught her hand with mine. “Neither of us want something complicated, and I think we’re both logical, intelligent people. We can keep things from becoming emotional.”

“Just ask, Cai.”

I smiled, even though my heart was pounding in my chest. “Would you be interested in an exclusive but purely physical relationship?”

“Purely physical?” she repeated.

“Our work relationship and friendship would stay the same, but we’d add sex to the mix.”

“All right,” she said, a grin curving her mouth. “And you said exclusive?”

I nodded, telling myself not to get too hopeful. She hadn’t agreed yet. “Neither of us would become sexually involved with anyone else as long as we’re sleeping together, allowing us to continue being able to forgo condoms. If that’s something you’d want.”

“And what if we met someone else we’d like to have sex with?” Her words were matter-of-fact, and I hoped she was simply thinking through the possibilities. I didn’t like the thought that she could already want to find someone else.

“We would keep open communication,” I said. “When one of us wishes to end the arrangement, we tell the other, and that is that.”

She was quiet for a few minutes, and I wished I could hear what she was thinking. I’d put myself out there, asking her this, but if she agreed, it would be well worth it.

Finally, she nodded. “That would work for me.”

I leaned down and took her mouth in a hard, possessive kiss. She was mine. I didn’t know for how long, but I intended to make the most of every second we were together. I would leave my mark on her so deep that I would be the standard by which every other man would be measured.

No. I wouldn’t think of other men. She would only be with me. I had so much to teach her, and we would begin tonight. Until we parted ways, she was mine, and that was what mattered.

Mine.