Chapter 21
Ian
My hands twitched and body tensed as I held the paper that I’d found out to her.
It was a letter.
From Jean to my dad.
“My dad stole the technology.”
That was all there was to it.
“I feel betrayed,” I said, with a voice much fainter than I thought the anger brewing inside would have produced. “Your mom said she felt betrayed, but I’m not sure she felt anywhere near as betrayed as I do.”
I thought about what I had read in the letter.
She wrote how she’d lost all respect for him. She had written that he had tried to steal Michael’s ideas. Her letter said that she knew he was hurt by her breaking their engagement off, but assured him that it would be better in the long run, and that he would see it eventually.
But she wouldn’t forgive him for stealing something he and Michael had both worked so hard on, especially when he hadn’t given Michael any credit. She called him “low and vindictive”.
When I read it the first time, I felt cold. In disbelief. Lost; unsure of what exactly to feel.
The second time I read it I felt anger. I wanted to tell Kate everything it said. But in truth, I was a little too shaken to completely formulate the words. It was obvious that I was too shaken, actually. And not just because I felt cloudy, but because when I tried to tell her everything, she told me to slow down, clearly not understanding what in the hell I was actually saying.
I felt like all the dedication, blood, and sweat that I had put in since his death was just dust at this point. I felt like none of it mattered. I felt misguided. I felt like I didn’t know him at all.
“I just really don’t know what to do…” I told her. “I mean what did he hope to accomplish from all of this? What was his end game? What did he want?” I knew I was snapping. I couldn’t stop myself. I just hated that I was doing it in front of Kate.
But I couldn’t stop.
I was almost enraged past the point of settling down at that moment.
I walked away from her and flicked on a light behind me, and continued to pace back and forth. My steps were powerful with the heated agitation I felt.
“I mean, does this make any fucking sense to you, Kate?” I growled, as I glanced over my shoulder, still pacing. But then I realized something. I’d been acting insane.
“God, you should be running for the door,” I grumbled, as the realization fully set in.
I swiped my hands through my hair, nervously. “I’m so sorry…”
My breath felt heavy, and I knew that I was panting as I looked at her. I probably looked like a huge mess of a man. I hated the way I was acting. Especially in front of her.
The only thing that made it comforting was the fact that she was looking at me through glistening, apologetic eyes. I knew she wasn’t judging me.
I knew, that in fact, it was the opposite. She felt for me.
She felt sorry; and for once, I didn’t mind the pity.
“I would probably be the same way,” she said through a calm and soothing voice, clearly trying her very best to reassure me. “I don’t blame you at all.”
“I guess we have horrible taste in family…” I laughed.
Her feet were once planted firmly on the floor as she watched me pacing like a lunatic, but then she moved — right towards me.
My eyes caught hers and she opened her mouth, as if she wanted to speak, but she didn’t. She only looked at me through loving eyes as she closed in on me.
“I’m really glad you’re here,” I said, trying my best to take a couple of minutes away from my anger.
She didn’t even have to say it.
I could see it. All over her face.
She wasn’t leaving.
“Seeing you definitely helps defuse,” I breathed out, trying to calm myself down. She smiled, and when she did I realized that it was entire possible that if I gave it a little longer, her presence would blow my anger away completely. It’d be as frame as a candle flame.
“This is you defused?” she laughed.
I grinned. “I’m becoming more and more defused.”
“I’m glad that you’re showing me your emotions,” she whispered as soon as she got mere inches from me.
I cringed at the thought. I hated showing my emotions. It was unusual for me to have them, let alone to let anyone see them. The fact that she’d acknowledged that made me even more uncomfortable. I stiffened and looked away, feeling extra vulnerable.
“I shouldn’t be so angry around you, though,” I tried to push the vulnerability away.
“I want you to always be honest with me,” she said, soothingly, just before the soft tips of her fingers gently touched the bottom of my chin and pulled my head back to face her.
“Anger is an emotion. Don’t be afraid to show even that to me,” she said, and even though I felt vulnerable still, something in her eyes told me to feel good about what was happening. It was telling me that even with all the bullshit going on, to feel good about this.
Screw everything else. All the other shit. Just be happy with this.
“Anger isn’t my favorite emotion, but I want to know what you’re feeling. Every time…” She was reassuring and gentle; even more than she had already been.
I took hold of her arm, gently, and looked into her eyes. Immediately, I felt her searching mine. My body tightened like it was wrapped in chains, and those chains were binding me close, constricting me not to move away from her gaze. I didn’t fight them. I breathed, heavily, and continued to look at her.
Truth was, I didn’t want to move.
I didn’t want to fight it.
I wanted to look at her and never stop looking.
But I knew I had to. I knew we had to talk about it all; I knew we had too much shit to settle for me to just stare at her and pass the time in her eyes.
I pulled away gently so that I could sit for a minute on the arm of the sofa, and she followed closely behind. I huffed out a loud puff of air, and tried to calm myself.
“Just breathe,” she soothed, her hands finding their way to the back of my head, smoothing my hair down, causing small tingling sensations to roll over my scalp.
I closed my eyes, relishing in the feeling before I leaned in and turned my body toward her. My hands caught her face and held it firmly, yet gently so that I look at the most serene thing I had ever known.
I wanted to kiss her so bad I couldn’t stand it. I wanted her to kiss away all the pain. I nodded as I continued to stare at her into her gorgeous eyes. My hands left her face and I realized something almost terrifying. I missed touching her almost as soon as I had stopped.
That feeling of calm when my hands touched her skin had shot straight to my heart and distracted me away from every negative thought I’d had. At least for the moment. It was a distinct feeling that I had never felt before.
It was a feeling of comfort and safety. Something even more powerful, that I wasn’t sure I could ever explain with words. All I knew was that it was so powerful that I knew I had never quite experienced it before.