CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Nash
It took everything I had to get back in the taxi, the night apart might do us both good, absence for the heart and all that, I just hoped that Beth wouldn’t hold it against me or sees it as abandonment or it wasn’t about to become a snowball of complete dick moves on my part. I know she wasn’t telling me the complete truth on how she slept, she was restless and I could tell she had something on her mind but without her telling me what was going on, there wasn’t a thing I could do to help her. She needed her rest, and it seemed all too obvious that my presence wasn’t helping.
Back at the hotel, I change into some running shorts and grab a towel, heading upstairs to the gym. I start the treadmill at half pace to warm up, before ramping up the speed to a constant run for as long as my body will allow.
By the time I finish my legs ache and my lungs burn. My body was exhausted but my mind hadn’t suffered the same treatment.
Back downstairs, I head directly for the shower, I pick up my phone to check while the water is coming to temperature. No missed calls. No text messages from Beth. A sinking feeling was settling in my stomach. Taking things into my own hands and to subdue the beast of doubt creeping in I message her.
Nash: Hi Sweetheart, what are you wearing?
I feel like I’m holding my breath waiting for Beth’s reply, her answering will give me the answer to whether she is pissed off about my leaving or not. I was more than aware that I have put myself in this situation, and for the life of me I couldn’t remember the logic behind it. I smile when my phone pings.
Beth: Just a smile. Such a shame you aren’t here.
Nash: Yes, I am definitely missing out. I’ll call you once I have finished in the shower. It may have to be a cold one now though. XX
Climbing into bed after the shower I open my emails on the laptop, the first one I open is the contract from Walter. It lays out the timeline of getting the Australian office open; my role would be regional manager with a substantial pay increase. I would be responsible for interviewing a new team of staff with the directors sitting in on the final round of interviews with input on who is employed. All relocation costs are covered by the firm while existing clients were to be maintained as well as developing the client base. I would be required to attend quarterly meetings in London for the first 12 months and as required for the remainder of the contract period.
So far everything seemed in line with what I would expect until I get to the last page. At the end of the term I would need to report on my sustainability in the company and if the projection is not where the partners and board expect it to be, ultimately I’m out if they can’t be convinced I’m doing a good enough job.
It doesn’t sit well, basically no matter how much I feel like I’m contributing; at the end of the day it is still the about dollar, whether it is red or if it is black and how black. Take emotion and the personal nature out of the business and you’re left with a bank balance.
Blowing out a breath I push the laptop away, suddenly the idea of the offer does not feel so secure or appealing. I have no doubt in my ability to keep and secure new clients, it’s just the leash they expect to have me on.
Agitated, I punch in Beth’s number, hoping by talking it over with her I might seek some clarity.
“Hi, stud.”
“Hi, sweetheart, how are you feeling?”
“Tired, sleepy, I miss you, Nash.”
“I miss you too.” I did, it felt like a piece of me was missing, I felt like I was ripping myself off by not taking this time and spending it with Beth.
“Then why did you leave?”
“I can’t remember now.” Her voice is all husky from sleep, just listening to her was making my dick hard. “Maybe I should come over.”
“It’s late. I have work in the morning, just come back tomorrow, yeah?”
“Yes, sweetheart. Listen, I wanted to talk to you about the contract.” I fill her in on what it entails and explain my doubts and she listens, asking me questions as we go,
“Are you worried that after it ends you will need to go back to London?” I can hear the concern in her voice.
“No, I’m not worried about that. I made a promise to you and our baby. Nothing is changing that.”
“Then what is the problem? Am I missing something?”
“No I guess not, I just don’t like the idea of them having all the control. Deciding on our future like that. I’ll email Walt back and get him to send it to the lawyers. They are going to expect me back when it is finalized to sign it off, Beth.”
“Okay, how long will that take?”
“How long until I need to go back or how long will I be gone for?”
“Both I guess.”
“I’m not sure, a couple of weeks I suppose. I am taking the rest of my leave before I go back and I plan on being here with you. But when I do go, will you come with me?”
“I ah, don’t know if I can. I’m going to need all my leave for when the baby comes.” I hated having this conversation over the phone, if I’d been there I’m certain of my abilities to convince her to come with me.
“Isn’t that what maternity leave is for?”
“Yeah it is, but it isn’t going to pay the rent while I’m not working and that is assuming I only need to take the regular amount of time off.”
“Sweetheart, do I need to remind you again that you aren’t on your own, it isn’t a burden to bear on your own.”
“The pregnancy isn’t a burden, Nash!” She was irritated, and now so was I, my ability to convey to her she wasn’t on her own was falling on deaf ears. I was at a loss on what I needed to do to convince her.
“I meant the financial burden, Beth, not the baby.”
“I’m sorry. I guess I am just feeling a bit restless and not listening properly.”
“It’s okay. You should get some sleep.” Feeling like I was failing was a new feeling, maybe I should have chosen a different way to show Beth she did need me, like I needed her, spending the time apart wasn’t the answer.
Gemma sent through the itinerary for the flight back to London at the end of the week, so we only had a few days left together before I needed to leave again.
“I was thinking we could go out for dinner tomorrow night? What do you think?” We were snuggling together on the sofa, Beth’s head was resting in my lap, my hand resting gently on her stomach as we watched the TV.
“What day we you thinking?” She turns her head enough to look up at me.
“Not sure, you got a hot date or something this week you can’t miss?”
“No, I have plans with Grets this week.”
“All week?”
“No, not all week.” She pushes up on her elbow to roll her eyes at me before settling back in my lap.
“What day do you have plans with Gretna then?”
“I don’t know.”
I take a deep breath, I know there is something up, and without asking her I could be guessing forever. “Beth, what’s going on? You’re being evasive and it seems to be on purpose.”
She sits back up, straightens and her eyes fixed on me with a stern look. “No, I am not.”
“No you’re right, you’re behaving like a brat. I only asked if you wanted to go out for dinner, and if you don’t, just say so, otherwise, tell me what is on your mind.” I refused to play mind games, we needed to get on the same page and I needed her to feel like she could trust me, with anything. “I had hoped we would see each other as much as possible before I left, but if you have other plans then, okay.”
“Nash, I am kind of trying to get used to you not being around again, I find it really hard when you don’t stay over on the nights you go back to the hotel. It is lonely in the bed by myself. I just figured if I started doing things on my own again I will survive you going back to London.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Did this put me back in arsehole category? Yeah, I’m pretty sure it did. “I‘m only going to be gone as long as I need to be. I’m coming back, so any thoughts of that I’m not you should get out of that beautiful head of yours right now. We’ve been over this.” I do my best to reassure her.
“I know. I guess maybe I’m just tired and over emotional. I’m sorry, I hate feeling like this.”
“It’s okay, I understand, but you need to realise that it’s frustrating that you still think I’m not in this 100%. I don’t know what else I can do to make you see it, Beth.” Impatiently, I run a hand through my hair and exhale quickly. “I’m here, I am not going anywhere. Please, just tell me what you need me to do for you to believe it.”
“I know you are trying, Nash,” She rests her hand on my cheek as her eyes fixed on mine. She looked defeated and it broke my heart. “I am too.”
“It feels like we’re at a stalemate here, Beth. I thought we were getting to a place where we could consider moving in together once the baby was here, so he or she had both parents under the same roof, to be raised by both of us.” Standing up I feel like I need to stretch my legs, to release some of the pent-up frustration that was beginning to take over my body.
The look of shock on Beth’s face made it apparent that she hadn’t even considered the idea.
“How many times do you need me to apologise, Nash?”
“Zero, I don’t want you to apologise, I just want you to relax and give us a chance. I want to know where we stand.” I was starting to feel we were swimming in circles, with dry land barely a speck on the horizon.
“I don’t want to live with you; it is too much for me to process right now. I need time to get my head around what is happening here.”
“You’re right, sweetheart, you need time to decide what you want to do with our baby. You tell me you miss me when I leave you and yet, here we are, you can’t consider living together. You better make up your mind quick because the baby is going to be here before we know it. I think it could be best if I stay the next couple of night at the hotel, give you some space to process what it is you want.” I clench my hands into fists, I was worried if I didn’t I would reach out for her, beg her to love me, and stay the night with her. I make my feet move, heading toward the door.
“Nash, wait.” My feet halt their retreat, maybe she was about to tell me what I needed to hear. “You will come back won’t you?”
“Yes, sweetheart, because I’ve already made up my mind on wanting this between us.”
I consider calling a taxi, deciding against it, the walk back to the hotel might do me good.