CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Beth
As soon as I’m dressed and walking to the bus stop in the morning I call my GP, I’d decided I needed an answer to the question that had kept me awake all night, was I pregnant with Nash’s baby?
I had attempted to bargain with the Universe all night, if I got an answer from the doctor that something else was going on and I wasn’t actually pregnant I would start taking better care of my body, less late nights out, less hooking up with guys I hardly knew, less alcohol, and definitely more exercise. I would even join a gym, eat better and cut back on coffee.
Plus, I would make more time to see my Mum and Dad, I hadn’t spent nearly as much time with them since David died as I should have been. I would make an effort to overlook their disappointment in me for the good of having a relationship with them.
“Good morning, City Medical, Linda speaking.”
“Hi Linda, this is Bethany Spencer, I ah, need an appointment with Doctor Sumner as soon as possible.”
“Oh yes, just a regular appointment?”
“It’s for a pregnancy test.”
“Right, well Mrs. Spencer, we can get you in later this afternoon if you like?”
She had referred to me as Mrs. And I didn’t correct her. Did single people not get pregnant these days?
“That is fine, thank you, Lidia.”
“Linda.” She corrected me, I knew I had called her by the wrong name, but so had she.
“Pardon?”
“My name is Linda, not Lidia.”
“Oh yes, right. Sorry. See you this afternoon.”
Checking the time, I now had six hours to over analysis everything about how my body was feeling, Google research the symptoms and plan the little celebration holiday in the Caribbean or somewhere else exotic when the results came back that I had some stage of infection and very glamorous bug invading my system that is causing my lack of appetite and will assist me with shedding another five kilos ready for a summer bikini body. That was my silver lining and I was clinging to it as if it were my only life raft.
Mid-way through the morning, Julia calls me into her office. “Darling, I’m concerned you’re not yourself, now I don’t like to pry into people’s personal lives, but is there something going on you wish to discuss?”
“Not that I can think so, everything is fine.” I do my best to offer her a reassuring smile.
“Right then, in that case, I will need your undivided attention, I will be out of the office for the best part of next week and will need you to handle things here.”
“Sure, no problem,” I reassure her, “but I do need to leave early today.” It was a statement more than it was a question. If she had a problem with that herself she would need to work on it, I was leaving at the end of lunch and it wasn’t open for discussion.
I shut down my computer and grab my bag, Julia was on the phone, so I do my best to wait patiently as she starts to wrap up the call.
“Yes, darling, Thursday is fine. I ‘m sure nothing disastrous will happen between now and then.” She pauses a moment, before carrying on her conversation again. “We will arrange that, yes.” Another pause, I was growing impatient, I needed to leave. “See you then. Goodbye, darling.”
Julia swings in her chair back to face me. “I just came to tell you I was leaving now.”
“Oh yes, see you Monday. Have a great weekend, darling.” Her pet name was doing nothing to help with the nausea that was plaguing my body.
I wave to her as I pivot and head for the elevator bank. If I called for a taxi now, it could be waiting for me outside by the time I got there.
My palms were getting sweaty whilst I was sitting in the uncomfortable chair in the waiting room of the doctor’s surgery.
Out the corner of my eye I saw a younger blonde girl sitting with a baby on her lap, the little girl was clapping her hands and sucking on her fist. I felt a butterfly twist in my stomach as I watched them, the younger girl was quite stunning, her hair was glossy, and tied back in a ponytail, whereas the child had a smattering of darker hair and rosy red cheeks. She looked older than Ella but other than that it was impossible for me to gauge.
“Bethany Spencer?”
“Yes.” I stand and follow the doctor back to the consultation room.
“So, what can we do for you today?”
“I need a pregnancy test.”
“What makes you think you are pregnant, do you have symptoms?” Her tone wasn’t accusing, more empathetic like I was a puzzle to solve.
“Yes, plus I have taken five home tests and only one of those came back negative.”
“Okay then, let’s just run a few more tests and be doubly sure.” Her smile is genuine, which oddly felt reassuring. “You will find the toilets down the hall to the left.” Doctor Sumnar offers the directions whilst retrieving the little container with the yellow lid. The walk down the hall was worse than any walk of shame ever in history. It was like I had every pair of eyes on me and they all knew what I was doing here.
The doctor’s tests take longer to return a result than those Gretna and I did, it was confirmed yet again that I was pregnant. I felt completely numb, unable to decide on how I should feel. The doctor’s voice was muted as she discussed options with me.
She has given me a list of things I need to do to prepare, but I am struggling to process a single thing on that list.
I need to speak to Gretna, it wasn’t so long ago she was in this very boat, the only difference was her and Matt both had an oar each. I could see mine drifting off toward the horizon.
“Beth?”
“Hey, Grets.”
“Any news?”
“Yes, just waiting on the blood results which won’t be until Monday, but other than that it looks like you are going to be an aunty.” My throat feels thick as I fight back the tears, a solitary sob escaping without provocation.
“Where are you, honey? Ella and I will come and get you.”
“No, it is okay, I think I’m just going to head home and have a bath.” See if I can’t drown myself, I add silently. I didn’t want the demanding attention of a baby right then and would rather not need to see Ella, and I felt so selfish for thinking it.
“Okay, I will be around after Ella goes down to sleep. Won’t be taking no for answer, so I will see you then.”
She hangs up before I could argue with her, clever woman, she knew me far too well. And I loved the shit out of her for it.
There is a soft knock on the door later that evening, opening the door revealed Gretna, true to her word and she wasn’t empty handed, a tub of chocolate ice cream and a whole pack of Tim Tams.
“How are you feeling?” She asks as I follow her through to the kitchen.
“Just like one hot mess.”
“Oh, honey, have you thought about what you want to do? You don’t have to decide right now and I’m not trying to put you under any extra pressure.” She puts her hands up in front of her, kind of in a surrender gesture. “I just wondered if you knew all your options.”
“I can’t even consider getting rid of it, I’ll just have to make it work.”
“We will always be here to support you, and I am sure your parents will too. What about the father? Have you spoken to him?”
A wave of nausea washed over me, the idea of telling Nash seemed like a bad dream. “No, I haven’t. I don’t know if I can.” I throw myself back against the cushions on the couch, my hand covering my face in shame. Does that make me a bad person?”
“No, not at all. You haven’t had time to process this, just give it time.” She takes my other hand in hers, rubbing in small circles in a soothing gesture. “I don’t mean this to sound insensitive, but I have no idea how else to ask.”
“It’s Nash Gretna, you don’t need to ask.”
“Nash Gibson?”
“Yeah, how many other Nash’s do we know?”
“Wow, I did not see that coming, I thought you couldn’t stand him.”
“Well it would appear that statement is clearly untrue, well it was for at least one encounter anyway. I’d like to be able to get my own head around it first before I go telling anyone else. Doctor Sumnar has already made the appointment with the midwife. Seems like the blood results are merely a formality.”
“Right, well if you need me I will get Ella babysat and will come with you to that. There is no rush on telling Nash. Not right away anyway, it’s not like he’s here to see what is going on for himself anyway. Have you spoken to him since, well you know?”
“Yes, Grets.” It was time to come clean with her, explain it wasn’t just a one-night thing. “Do you want a cup of tea?”
“Okay, I’ll make the tea and then we will sit down and figure this out.” Tucking the ice cream away in the freezer, she fills the kettle for boiling.
With the kettle boiled Gretna makes quick work of making the tea. I wrap my hands around the china, trying to draw the warmth from the cup as some sort of comfort.
“So, the whole story.” Taking air deep into my lungs I try to compose myself before delving into the story of Nash and me. “You know Nash was here consulting and that we were out a couple of times together, not went out together, but were out together at a function and then a dinner, remember I told you?” I pause and she nods.
“Well after that Nash kissed me in the elevator and invited me back to his hotel suite, and I went, and I wasn’t going to stay, in fact, I walked out, but then I walked back in. We spent a night together there and here before he went back to London. We’ve chatted and texted each other while he’s been gone, well until last weekend when I was more than a bitch to him.” My words come out in a rush like I needed to get them all out or they were going to disappear forever.
“Well you can blame that all on hormones now.” She smiles at me. “What does this mean now, are you into him?”
“I don’t know Grets, sure I find him insanely attractive or otherwise I wouldn’t be in this situation.” I point to my stomach.
“I’m your friend but I’m also a mother now, so I’m conflicted with trying to be your friend and supportive of whatever you decide you are going to do, whether you tell Nash or not, and being Ella’s mother, she is a miracle and I can’t imagine life without her now.”
“The difference is you have Matt, I would no doubt be on my own.”
“You don’t know that, and I already said that we will be here for you, no matter what. Hell, Matt has had enough experience with midnight dashes to the supermarket for ridiculous cravings, I’m sure he could get on board with doing it again. Otherwise, I volunteer as tribute.” I laugh at her The Hunger Games reference.
By the time Gretna leaves I am exhausted and more than looking forward to a warm bed and a decent sleep.
Climbing in I lay staring at the ceiling for a while, I reach for my phone two or three times over the time I lay there, I know I need to tell Nash, it is the right thing to do after all, but what do I say to him? Hey, remember that time where we were screwing our brains out in the shower and we forgot to use a condom? Yeah, well surprise, you accidentally knocked me up.