Chapter Thirteen
Damien was reeling from the news. He had a sister. Not a half sister or a stepsister—a full sibling. He absently pressed a fist to his chest to ease the ache in his heart. It wasn’t physical pain, but a deep disturbance that had rocked him off his feet. Maybe it was the realization that his mother not only left him, but kept him away from his sister, as well. What made his sister so important that she chose to keep that child instead of Damien?
He hadn’t handled the news well. Perhaps he wasn’t that different from his old man after all. He’d raised his voice at Lindsey, frightened Maris to tears, and fled to the bar. He sat alone, brooding over Lindsey’s words. Of course, he was curious about his sister, but he wasn’t sure if the risks outweighed the reward. Could he handle the disappointment of meeting her, only to find she was just like his mother? It was better to leave things alone. He needed to focus on the new life he was building rather than mess with the past. Damien wouldn’t always be able to outrun it, but he could try to accept what was and move forward.
He rested his elbows against the worn pine bar top and rubbed his hands over his face. For the second time in a matter of weeks, he’d hurt Lindsey. Maybe he wasn’t cut out for a relationship after all. She was a good woman, and she deserved better than what he had to offer. At the moment, being a hermit who lived alone on a mountaintop seemed like a good option. Somewhere he couldn’t hurt anyone.
“Is it a bad sign that I’m running into you at another bar?” Jay stood next to him, grinning.
Damien didn’t want to deal with Jay’s sunny outlook when a personal black cloud was brewing over him. He lifted his bottle, took a long sip, and set it down.
“Might be for both of us.” He angled his head toward Jay.
“You don’t look like you want company,” Jay said. He settled on the barstool next to Damien anyway. “But that’s usually when someone needs a shoulder the most.”
Did he ever get upset? Mad at the cards he’d been dealt? Damien’s eyes wandered to Jay’s scarred face as he ordered a cola. He took a breath and closed his eyes for a moment. Jay had been through just as much as him. Damien was just lucky his scars were hidden under a shirt and in his heart.
Jay swiveled the stool toward Damien. “So, what brings you to this dive when you have a woman waiting at home?” Jay leaned back in the chair and crossed his arms loosely over his chest.
“She found something in my father’s junk. It complicates things.” He released a ragged breath and looked down at his beer.
“Ah. So, you killed the messenger.” Jay gave him an understanding nod and leaned forward to rest his elbows against the bar top.
“Yeah, I guess you could say that. My father would have done the same. Explode at my mother, run off to the bar to get loaded, only to be hauled back to the house by the police.”
“From where I’m sitting, it looks like you’re nursing a beer and thinking things through. Solitude can help us sort things out, you know. You sure don’t look like you’re going to get hauled away by the cops anytime soon.” Jay took a sip of his soda, and watched a pitcher step up to the mound on the ancient TV behind the bar.
Damien looked down at his solitary beer. His father would have been a six-pack deep by now, drinking to wipe away the day. Jay was right. Damien had needed a spot to clear his head. Maybe he needed to stop being so hard on himself. He spent so much time trying to push away any trace of his parents, he didn’t know who he really was. How could he start an important relationship or care for a child, when he wasn’t even sure of himself?
“What about you?” he asked, and Jay’s brown eyes broke from the TV to meet Damien’s. “Got a woman waiting at home?”
“If I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t be here.” A lone dimple popped in his cheek. “This isn’t a face made for romance.” He gestured to the right side of his head.
“You’re not looking at the right girls, then.” Jay’s face was a stamp of courage and a reminder of the price of war.
“Maybe you’re right, but for now work keeps me busy enough. Maybe the right one will come along someday.” Jay drained his soda and set down the empty glass.
Damien hoped one did. He’d only known Jay a short time, but he was a good person, one who would put everything into a relationship. It made him think of his own, and how he should get going so he could put things straight. Two elderly red-faced men got up from the bar and walked to the exit laughing heartily at something.
“Jay, you have sisters. What’s it like having siblings?” Damien drained the last of his beer and signaled to the bartender for another.
“Just about the best thing in the world. We’ve always been close. My parents live in town, too. It’s nice to have a support net, you know?” Jay said. A waiter whizzed by with a towering plate of cheesy nachos. The buzz of chattering patrons and the blurred undertones of the TV echoed around him.
“I don’t, really. My mom left when I was young. Dad didn’t hang around much.” For the second time in his life, Damien had told someone about his family dynamic. Was he going soft, or did he just need someone else to lean on? “Lindsey, she found a letter from my mom that said I have a sister out there.” Damien stared at the wall in front of him.
“And you’re not sure if you want to make contact because it could change things—maybe for the worst?” Jay’s eyes held compassion and it poured out to Damien, reaching the pit of his heart. He’d found family in Lindsey and Maris, and now he’d found a friend in Jay. Shouldn’t he just be grateful for the good people he had around him, instead of trying to shoe-horn one more into his life?
“That’s exactly it. And if I were to reach out, it would open up the possibility of contact from my mother. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be ready to face her.” Damien propped his elbows on the counter and looked at Jay.
“I get that. She left you, and you don’t owe her a damn thing. If you don’t think you’ll regret not reaching out to your sister, then don’t. But think on this. She might need to meet you a whole lot more than you do her.” Jay slapped him on the shoulder, squeezed. “Nothing’s ever easy, is it?”
Damien laughed. “Nope. Doesn’t seem that way.” Glass clinked against wood as the bartender set another frosty bottle in front of him. They watched the TV and relaxed for a few minutes in silence.
“And how about Lindsey? Will she let it go, or will she keep pushing you to find your sister?” Jay asked.
“I guess I’ll find out. She only wants what’s best for me—I know that. I should go apologize before I have to sleep under the stars.” Damien pulled out his wallet, and tossed some bills on the table.
“It’s a shame we’re wired to lash out at the ones we love most,” Jay said.
Damien wondered if he was that transparent. The warmth and attraction he’d held in his heart for Lindsey fueled him to help when her car had broken down. A smile brushed his lips when he thought of her hugely pregnant belly. It made it really hard to leave Chatham when his heart started to be dragged toward love, like a toy sailboat being sucked into a swirling funnel of water. He was constantly faced with a hard question that he had to reach deep down to answer. Damien wasn’t really ready to go there, afraid of what the response might be. What was best for Lindsey and Maris? He could stay, and things might be just grand, but what if eventually he changed like his father had? He didn’t want to be the root of someone else’s pain—especially the two people he cared for most.
“Let me drive you home, brother. I haven’t even had a drink yet.” Jay’s voice broke his thoughts.
He was fine to drive, but better safe than sorry. “All right. Let’s hit the road. I have groveling to do.”
Jay’s full-bodied laugh inspired a sense of comradery and friendship he hadn’t experienced since Johnny. Someday, he’d tell Jay about him. It was rare he actually wanted to open up to someone else, but lately there were a whole lot of feelings fighting for space in his heart—he just didn’t know what to let stick, or if the choice was out of his hands completely. The same heart he often thought of as two sizes too small, like his favorite Christmas tale, seemed to be growing three sizes a day. If the people he’d accepted into his life decided to leave, he’d be crushed with the velocity of an ant being hit by a transport truck.
They left the bar and got into Jay’s Jeep. Damien rattled off directions, then enjoyed the slap of salty sea-air against his skin as they drove, top down, toward the cottage.
“You know, you should come for dinner some night. Lindsey would love you and she makes a hell of a meatloaf.”
Jay glanced at him through the dark and Damien saw a shadow of a smile. For a moment, it was as if he was driving with the ghost of Johnny. When the temperature had dropped, and they rolled out their sleeping bags in the sand, Johnny would always smile through the dark, talking about the Big Mac he was going to have the second he touched U.S. soil.
“Offer accepted,” Jay said.
They pulled up to the cottage and Damien thanked Jay for the ride. The headlights of the Jeep flashed away, once he was inside. Lindsey was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of tea.
Damien hesitated. “I bumped into Jay, and he gave me a ride home.” He tucked his hands into his pockets and stood in the center of the kitchen. Fear squeezed at his heart when Lindsey just looked down into her steaming mug.
“Do you ever feel like we’re on the cusp of something really great, and then the past sneaks up to bite us in the ass?” she said.
He was aware of his heart thumping in his chest, as he looked at Lindsey, slumped over the table with defeat written across her face. He pulled a chair beside her and sat down.
“Linds, I’m still figuring myself out. The news was a bombshell to me. I needed air. I need to think it out. And there I go with the ‘I’ and ‘me.’ I’m still learning how to live with someone I care about, and I realize that means thinking of the ‘we’ and ‘us,’ before I run off with my tail tucked between my legs.” He stroked a hand down her soft hair.
“I got my own bombshell after you left.” Her voice was flat and tired. The squeeze that clutched his heart clamped.
“What is it, Lindsey? Are you okay, your parents?” She was silent for one breath, then two. The howl of wind and the rushing surf made a dramatic symphony from the open porch screen.
“Matthew wants to see Maris.” She looked up at him and her eyes shimmered with tears.
“Well, shit. After all this time?” Inside Damien’s head screamed. Her ex was coming back to see the baby and there could only be one reason for it. To win back Lindsey. He’d manipulated and convinced her to do things before. What if he persuaded her to move home? Or worse, what if Lindsey decided that because Maris was his child, they should be a family?
“He wasn’t here. Not for any of it. I cried myself to sleep night after night when I first left him. How would I raise the baby on my own? How would I get through the pain of labor without him by my side? Now I can’t stand the thought of seeing him, or of watching him hold the daughter that’s of his blood, but not of his heart.” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “Why do things always have to be so complicated? Why can’t we just…be?”
He wrapped his arms around her and held onto her tight, as if she might slip through his fingers at any moment. It wasn’t only him who had demons, it was her, too. How could they make a future together when they kept getting sucked into their past problems? He breathed in her beachy scent mingled with tears. Matthew had hurt her, but as of lately, he had, too. Maybe neither of them deserved her at all.