DAVID
Something’s wrong. Instead of taking time in the kitchen to wind down after work, Michelle comes upstairs seconds after dropping her keys on the table. She pushes open the bedroom door and peeks in, surprised to find me awake, reading in the faint light of the lamp on my bedside table.
“You’re awake.” She closes the door carefully and leans against it. The space between her eyes tightens.
“Couldn’t sleep.” I smile. “What’s wrong, darlin’? Did something happen at work?” I pull back the comforter and pat the bed beside me. She can lean her head against my chest while she unloads her troubles and I’ll wrap my arms around her and listen until she feels better.
Michelle grimaces. “I don’t think it happened at work.” She doesn’t move. Just stands there with her back against the door, staring at me from across the room.
“What is it?” I sit up a little taller. Michelle never keeps distance between us. The fact that she hasn’t crawled into bed and tucked herself up next to me sets my anxiety on edge.
She drops her head into her hands and rakes her fingers into her hair. When she looks up, tears brim in her eyes and terror draws harsh lines across her face. She licks her lips.
“I’m pregnant.”
She drops her hands to her sides and her features melt—terror blending into uncertainty. One tear wanders down her cheek and drips from her chin.
I blink. Then swallow. And then stare at the woman I love more than anything. She needs me to say something, but I don’t have all the words organized yet.
I love her. But I don’t know how I can survive having another child. The part of my heart that died with Maggie is still broken and charred. The sharp edges aren’t done making me bleed. The day they lowered her into the ground, I swore to myself never again.
Her shoulders slump and her eyes close. “I’m so sorry.” Her words are a whisper, heavy with defeat.
“I’m pretty sure it takes two of us to make a baby.” Despite the panicked conclusions in my head—she planned it, she’s using me to get out of debt, this is a trap, I can’t do this again, run, run, RUN!—Michelle deserves the effort it takes to keep a level head and calm voice.
She tries to take a step towards me but falters. “We’re not ready for this.”
“Why not?” I hold my hands out to her, inviting her to come to me.
“We’ve only been dating since April. My finances are a disaster.” She swallows and swipes at her eyes. “And things didn’t work out so well for either of us the last time something like this happened.” Her face falls and tears begin to flow in earnest.
I swing my legs off the side of the bed and cross the room in a few long strides. “Hey, now.” I take her in my arms, press her cheek to my chest. “Why the tears?” My heart thunders against my ribs. My mind catches on fire. Maggie. Pregnant. Death. Run. Run. RUN. The voice of my anxiety is a demon on my shoulder, whispering weakness in my ear. I focus on breathing and refuse to listen.
“I’m so scared.” Her body trembles against mine.
I cup her face with my hands and force her to look at me. “I am not Russell and you are not Becky, and that little baby in your belly?” A smile starts in my heart and brandishes a torch and pitchfork at the fear in my head. “We’re going to love the hell out of her.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Why would I be mad?”
“Because…” She pulls out of my arms and turns away from me, arms crossed over her stomach, shoulders rounded. “None of this is the way it’s supposed to happen. Because we did it wrong the first time and we’re doing it wrong this time, too. Because we’re caught in some crazy habit loop, making the same mistake over and over.”
“Do I feel like a mistake to you?” My words come from a place buried beneath the fear. A well of strength at the base of my soul.
Her gaze whips to mine. “No. You are the best thing to ever happen to me.”
“And Claire? Does she feel like a mistake to you?”
She clenches her eyes shut and freezes, her hands balled into fists. “That’s not fair. I love her from way down in here.” She opens her eyes and thumps a hand against her chest, just above her heart. “But the way she came into this world was a mistake. And she’s going to suffer the consequences of my bad decision for her entire life.”
“Or maybe, she’ll appreciate the light more because she’s seen the dark.” A truth I know all too well. “Maybe she’ll learn to seek out the people who make her smile because she knows what it means to hurt. Maybe she’ll dig her little roots down deep into the earth and grow stronger each year, because of the challenges she faces, not despite them.”
“I want that.” Michelle’s voice is raw, scraping up from underneath all the layers she’s built around herself. “I want her to blossom into a light, someone who leads people to better things and brings happiness those who are lucky enough to be around her instead of…” She trails off and shakes her head.
“She will be that. She’s not the kind of kid who pokes the bruises life gives her. The kind of kid who cries and complains over little things. Not Claire. She pulls herself up and stands taller when things get hard. Just like her mom.” I take her hands in mine.
Michelle blinks and drops her gaze to our hands. “I can’t afford a baby.”
“But I can.”
“I don’t want you to keep me because I got pregnant.” She looks up, sliding her hands from mine. “I want you to want me for me.”
“I do want you for you. Is this situation ideal? No. Does it change the way I feel about you? Not even a little.”
Her gaze bounces across my face, question after question forming only to be discarded before they make their way past her lips. “I can’t help but see this from your angle. Another pregnant woman without the resources to take care of herself or her kid…” She closes her eyes and shakes her head. “And I don’t know what it feels like to lose a child.” Her entire body slumps and her shoulders shake. “All I know is that if I were you, I’d be terrified right now.”
“To say it hurts to lose a child is like saying losing a limb is inconvenient. I barely survived Maggie’s death. I couldn’t survive something like that again.” I take her hands. “And knowing that Becky is in jail, that she is trading her life for Maggie’s, it does nothing to lessen my pain.”
“Then how are you so calm about this? How are you not panicking? How are you standing there, doing your best to make me feel better instead of telling me to pack my bags and get out?” She sags into my arms. “That’s my biggest fear. The one thought I couldn’t stop fiddling with the whole time I was at work. What if he doesn’t want me? What if this is the end? And the truth is...” She pulls away to make eye contact. “Knowing your past, I would understand if you walked away and didn’t look back.”
“When Maggie died, I swore I would never have another child. Having a kid means ripping out your heart and putting it in someone else’s body with the hope that they won’t trample it completely. When Maggie left this world, I believed she took my heart with her. How could I ever love anything again, with my heart buried beneath the earth? And then I met you.” I wipe her hair back off her face. “You showed me that I can love again. That I can love and miss Maggie and still have room to love both you and Claire, too. Love isn’t finite, it’s infinite. I didn’t think I could survive having another child, but knowing my baby is growing in your belly, I know I can’t survive without it. I shouldn’t be happy right now, but I’m ecstatic.”
Michelle’s gaze softens, her lips pulling up into a smile. Hope illuminates her eyes. “Even though the timing is all wrong?”
“Who dictates what constitutes good timing?” I place my hand on her stomach. “You and me? We were inevitable. This baby is just another way the universe is making its point known.” And in saying it, I know it’s true.
“I thought you didn’t believe in all that mystical crap.”
“I didn’t. But you’re changing my mind.” I take her wrist and pull her towards the bed. “Now lay down with me and let me show you how much I love you.”
I lower my lips to hers. Pull her shirt over her head. Trail kisses along her neck and shoulders before I strip her naked and step out of my sweatpants. I stretch out underneath her, grasp her hips while she lowers herself onto me, and then let her ride me until she climaxes, my gaze glued to hers until I come undone myself.
* * *
The rhythmic rise and fall of Michelle’s chest measures the passing of time. Her warm body, a perfect fit against mine, lulls me right to the edge of sleep over and over again, only for a thought to drag me back to consciousness. In an idealistic world, I love the idea of having a child with Michelle. But reality is a harsh place for idealism. My battle with anxiety is an everyday thing. It’s a constant struggle not to let the voice of doubt hold me back. Through hard work and routine, with my family rallied around me, I’m stronger now after Maggie’s death than I can ever remember being. All that being said, I thought I conquered sleepless nights a long time ago, but here we are again.
Michelle and I have never fought. Never disagreed. Up to this point, we’ve not once wanted something different than the other. Is that because we’re such a good match for each other or is that because she’s so good at putting her needs aside in favor of mine? Is it because we’re still in the throes of new love? What will happen when the luster of falling in love fades?
Will we implode? Will the perfection of our relationship be proven to be nothing more than a house of cards, supported by twigs and string too weak to hold everything together against even the faintest breeze? Or are we truly on the same path in life, facing the same direction, heading for the same destination?
Do I really want to build another relationship upside down and backwards? She said it herself, our timing is all wrong. She moved in with me sooner than she should have because of the break-in at her home. She is still pulling herself out of the wreckage caused by her marriage. And now, just a few months into our relationship, she’s pregnant? Do we even know each other well enough to know if we want to raise a child together?
I roll my eyes. What we want is irrelevant now. There’s a baby in her belly. My baby in her belly. Like it or not, right or wrong, we’re bound together for the rest of that child’s life. And right now, I love her. Each new day with her, each new experience, they continue to give me a new reason to love her more. The more I know her, the more I know she’s the one for me.
So why borrow trouble? Why worry about what might happen? When has the quavering voice of anxiety ever led me in the right direction? The future doesn’t exist yet but the now sure as hell does. I will do my best to provide for her, to make a family out of us, to build a strong future for us instead of worrying about one that might never come to pass.
Michelle squirms in her sleep, letting out a happy sound and curling up closer to my body. I smile as I draw her in, draping an arm around her stomach as if I’m hugging our child, too. She’s not Becky and I’m not Russell, and this isn’t our end because beneath all the questions and worries keeping me awake long past my bedtime is the absolute certainty that Michelle is perfect for me. And when I think of our child, a tiny little being with her face and my nose, it makes me want to be a better man. It makes me want to show her just how beautiful life is when you live it with the right people at your side.