MICHELLE
David leads us across the farm at a slow enough pace for him and Claire to chat without having to shout over the wind. After a few minutes, we come to a stop in little wooded alcove surrounding a large pond. Willow trees arch over their reflections in the water, leaves dancing in the wind.
“When you mentioned a pond, I envisioned something small and covered in green goop and surrounded by weeds.” I sit back in my seat, rest my hands in my lap, and stare at the clear water surrounded by tall reeds. Peace settles over me.
"Look at that." Claire points across the pond. "It's the biggest bird I've ever seen!"
"That’s a heron, isn’t it?" I look to David as I kill the engine.
He nods. "Sure is." He helps Claire off the front of his four-wheeler and then climbs off himself. "There're a few of them nesting around here.”
“The universe can’t stop sending signs, can it?”
David frowns. “What do you mean?”
“My grandmother is obsessed with herons. She has them all over her condo. Pictures. Statues. Knick-knacks.” I undo the straps holding our picnic supplies in place on the back of the four-wheeler. “According to her, they represent an ability to progress and evolve. She says their long, thin legs prove you don't need massive pillars to remain stable, you just have to be able to stand on your own.”
The day she told me that, Claire was only a few days old and I was recovering at her house after a nasty fight with Russell. She gave me a necklace, a long, delicate chain with a heron on the pendant. She pressed it into my hands, explaining the meaning while her eyes begged me to read between the lines and understand what she was trying to tell me. I didn't back then, but I do now.
"Can I go play in the water?" Claire asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I turn to David. "How deep does it get?"
Tension tightens the space between his eyes and his gaze flicks to Claire. "It gets pretty deep, pretty fast," he says, his voice taught and shallow and not right at all. "But..." He lifts his eyebrows and holds up a finger, all the things I thought I saw and heard disappearing so quickly I must have imagined them. "There's this pretty little place right here where you can wade a little and throw rocks."
He throws a quick glance at me before leading my daughter over to a spot where the water brushes against a little sandy outcropping of land. He kicks off his shoes and waits for her to do the same, holding her hand as they wade a few steps into the clear water. She laughs when he picks up a rock and skips it across the pond, and I set out the blanket and the food we brought while he shows her how to do it by herself.
My time here at the farm with David and his family has been like a vacation from my life. Everything is so calm and ordered. Everything has a place and meaning. The Carmichaels work together to care for the animals and the crops, to supply local shops with fresh food, and to keep their family legacy growing. The work isn't easy, but they're happy to do it. I'm happy to do it. Even Claire seems better in the few weeks we've been here, her smile nearly constant and her sweet, tittering laughter coming easier and easier. I hadn't realized how turned off she's been until I've gotten to see her this alive.
When we show up at the studio each night, stepping out of this life and into our old one, the transition jars me and one look at her face tells me she struggles with the same thing. Our old life—our real life—it’s cold and dark and small and scary compared to the warmth and light of living here with David. I never want this to end and that’s a lot of pressure to put on a relationship this new.
"Those look like some mighty deep thoughts you're having." David smiles as he sits beside me. "Anything you want to talk about?"
"I was just watching the two of you together and realizing how happy we are here." I applaud myself for my honesty even as I fight the panicked thoughts skittering through my head, reminding me there's a reason I don't always say the things I think.
David leans back on his hands. "She's a good kid." He smiles towards her and then turns his gaze to me. There's something heavy behind his eyes again and it makes me hold my breath. "I didn't think I could be this happy with another person. Not after what I went through with my ex-wife."
This is only the second time he's mentioned her and I sit very still, afraid to move and scare this part of the story away. "You never really talk about her," I say quietly.
David stares out over the water. "With good reason.” He closes his eyes and lets out a breath before opening them again. ‘There's no use in dredging up that old stuff. It's over and done with and doesn't affect my day-to-day life at all anymore."
I wait for him to continue, but he doesn't. If I expect him to share himself with me, then I need to be willing to share myself with him. Even the hard parts. The stuff I don't like to admit.
"Did I ever tell you how I ended up married to a man like Russell?"
David sits up and brushes his hands on his shorts. "Nope. But I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been wondering."
I suck in my lips and take a breath. "It's not my best moment, that's for sure. In a world full of strong and empowered women, it only proves just how weak I am. But it sure has taught me a lot about…well…everything."
David shifts so he's facing me. "The best way to learn is through our bad decisions.”
"I remind myself of that all the time. The decisions that led to Russell are chock full of learning opportunities." I pick a piece of grass off the blanket. "I’ve mostly had to face truths about my own self-worth. Russell was a friend of a friend in high school.”
“He went to Brookside?”
“No.” I shake my head, my eyes trained on his. “His sister took ballet with me. He was one of those kids who saw the worst in everything and I always thought I could help him see the world for how amazing it really is. We lost touch when I started getting serious about my ballet training and then we reconnected when I came home after the injury."
I take a long breath and watch Claire as she crouches to play in the water, her blond hair glittering in the sun. "When we met up again, he was even worse than he was when we were young. So depressed and so upset, and when he asked me out on a date, I didn't have it in me to turn him down. I didn't want to be one more bad thing in his life, you know?"
David bobs his head. "I can believe that you would feel that way."
"So, I didn't want to go out with him but I did. And even though I wasn't attracted to him, I didn't turn him down when he made an advance." I smile weakly. "And then there was Claire."
"So you married him to do the right thing."
"I was kind of told I had to." I glance at him, preparing myself to tell this man the hardest, most painful of my truths. "When my family found out, they told me I had to marry him. You know, to be a good role model for the kids at the studio. I didn't love him. And I knew we weren't going to work out, but I did it anyway. I wasn't strong enough to stand up for myself, so I let everyone else make decisions for me. I dated him when I didn’t want to. I slept with him when I didn’t want to. I married him when I didn’t want to. All because I wanted to please everyone but myself." I run out of words and trail off, awaiting his judgment.
"Why did you divorce him?"
"Because I was tired of putting everyone before me. Because I was tired of being miserable. Because I wanted something better for Claire.” I stare at my hands. “Because I found myself thinking it would be easier to die than live another day.”
David wraps an arm around me. "Michelle..."
“I would never do it. Because Claire needs me. But my life wasn’t my own. I had nothing to look forward to but a long strain of days that were the same stretching on for the rest of forever. I had no joy. No point. No purpose other than surviving so I didn’t leave Claire alone to face this herself.”
“That’s no way to live.”
“No. It’s not. So I gathered all my courage and made a change, and have been clawing my way back out of that hole ever since.”
“Shit, Mish.” David leans back on his hands to see my face. “I’m so sorry you ever felt that way.”
"Believe it or not, I'm not sorry. At least not all the time." I lean my head against his shoulder. "I'm a better version of myself because of it."
He drops a kiss into my hairline and is quiet for a while, before he swallows hard and clears his throat. "When I met Becky, my ex-wife, she was in a hard situation like you are now. Not enough money, not enough support, doing what I assumed was her best to make ends meet." David lets out a long breath. "I was so wrong about that. She wasn’t doing her best, not by a long shot. That woman was nothing but chaos wrapped in drama and dipped in manipulation."
I wait for more but it doesn't come and we sit in silence while Claire splashes and laughs.
"Was it unnerving?" I ask after a while. "When you found out I didn't have any money, that my situation was so much like hers?"
David turns to me, takes my face in his hands, and looks me straight in the eyes. "Not even for one minute. By the time you were comfortable enough to share with me how much you were struggling financially, I already knew without a doubt that you were not like Becky in any way."
I smile. "Good."
David returns my smile. "Yeah. You're right. This is very good." And then he leans in to kiss me and I realize I couldn't agree more.
The afternoon passes quickly and the time comes for me to leave for work long before I'm ready. A weight settles on my shoulders as we pack up our blanket and Claire mopes around, dragging her feet. When she was an infant, Russell threw a fit about having to take care of her when I went to work. So, instead of making a fuss, I conceded and started taking her to work with me, following the path of least resistance instead of forcing him stand up and act like a rational adult. She’s come to work with me ever since that night. She's used to it, but that doesn't mean she likes it. And it doesn't mean I like it either. It's hard to do my job when I'm worried about my little girl, and it's hard to be a good mom when I'm trying to give my students the attention they deserve.
David takes one look at me and I swear that man can read my mind. "Why don't you let Claire stay here tonight?"
"I couldn't ask you to do that," I say as Claire clasps her hands together and starts bouncing up and down.
"Oh, Momma, please?" She looks so hopeful my resolve starts slipping.
David takes my hands. "I'm sure Mom would love some help picking strawberries.” He smiles down at Claire. "And then turning those strawberries into muffins. We can get her into bed at a decent hour and you only have to worry about being Michelle the Teacher, not Michelle the Momma, too."
I look from Claire to David and back again. "Please?" Claire mouths.
"You're sure?" I ask David. "It wouldn't be a burden?"
"A burden? Have you even met this kid? She's the easiest little monster I know." David grins at Claire who looks appalled.
"I am not a monster," she growls. "How many times do I have to keep telling you guys that?"
I watch as David teases her right back and my daughter dissolves into laughter, looking happier than I ever remember her being. It's a bittersweet feeling, looking at her and knowing that she's better than she's ever been and worrying that it might not be permanent. David and I are great, and living together is easy, but our relationship is still so young. We haven't had one fight yet, haven't had to overcome a single obstacle. This life here on his farm is borrowed. Claire and I are interlopers. I shouldn't let her get too comfortable.
There's that word again.
Should.
I am so tired of shoulds. So tired of trying to figure out what’s right when the target keeps moving. Where is the danger in letting her stay here at the farm with the Carmichaels? How much harm can there be in letting Claire understand what it means to truly be happy?
I don't know the answer. I don't know for sure what I should do. But I do know what my gut says.
I nod, another full body smile working its way across my face. I swear, if happiness is equivalent to light, then I must be glowing right now.
Claire squeals. "Is that a yes?" she asks, looking like I just told her she won a unicorn ride through Rainbow Town.
"That's a yes."
She launches herself into me, wrapping her little arms around my waist. "Oh Momma, thank you."
I pull her close and meet David's eyes over her head. "Thank you," I mouth and mean it with my whole heart.